Songbird (14 page)

Nine days later
I went into labour.  I started in the early hours of the morning and Mrs
Holland stayed with me throughout.  But by eleven o’clock that same morning, I
was ready to deliver the child.  After only ten minutes it slipped from me to
fill the room with a scream that would have delighted me in any other
circumstances.

“It’s
a girl, my dear,” said Mrs Holland.  “And she’s beautiful.”  I looked away and
tried ignoring the activity in the room.  The baby had been wrapped in a shawl
and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mrs Holland come to the side of the bed,
a tiny bundle held in her arms.  “Would you like to see her?  My lady and
gentleman have given their permission.”

“No
thank you, Mrs Holland,” I said tersely.  “I’m being paid not to see her.”

“Good
girl.  It’s better that way,” she said and left the room. 

I
stared blankly towards the window, weariness making my eyes heavy.

I was
awoken from a deep sleep by angry voices arguing outside the door.

“I
must speak with her.”

“No,
sir, I cannot let you pass.  Miss Pritchard needs to rest.  I’ll not have her
disturbed.”

“I’ll
only be a few minutes.  In God’s name, she’s given me a daughter.  The least I
can do is thank her.”

“I
said no, sir.”

“Damn
it, woman!  I need to see her.”

“No,
sir.  You have your child now.  You must let Miss Pritchard resume her life and
put this all behind her.”

There
followed silence and I knew that they had moved away from the door. 

“Karl,”
I whispered.  “Please don’t forget me.  I will never forget you, my darling.”

It was sad
saying goodbye to Mrs Holland at Waterloo Station.  We had been together for a
long time, but I had decided that we would not see each other again.  I wanted
to forget.  Our journey home had been uneventful and even the sea voyage on the
Ocean Spray had been trouble free.  On the train from Portsmouth, I had delved
into the pocket of my valise and taken out my wedding ring.  I slipped it on my
finger and glanced up to see Mrs Holland smiling at me.

“You’ve
done very well, my dear.  I shall follow your career at Covent Garden with
great interest.”

“Thank
you.  But it feels good to be Mrs Asquith again.”

She
nodded and carried on with her knitting.

I
hugged her for some time outside the station as the cab driver loaded my
luggage. 

“I
will be sorting out the money as soon as possible,” she whispered.  “But if
there’s any concern over it, do let me know.”

I
climbed into the cab and watched from the window, until the small, stout figure
dressed in black disappeared from view.

I
couldn’t contain my excitement when we turned into Laurel Close and pulled up
outside the house.  I knocked on the door, as I had not taken my key to France
with me.  Nan answered and gave a shriek as I threw myself into her arms. 
Amidst tears and laughter, we greeted each other, making so much noise that
Danny came running from the parlour to see what the commotion was about.  With
a cry of delight, I caught him in my arms and held him close to me, kissing his
cheeks and hands.  He clung to me and started talking rapidly.

“You
wait until he calms down,” laughed Nan.  “He’ll come out with all sorts.” 

My
child was no longer a baby, he had grown into a little boy while I had been
away.  I carried him over the threshold amazed at the tiny space that was our
hallway.  Good grief, I thought with a grimace, how have we managed to live in
such a small house?  After Chateau St Julienne it was like living in a
cupboard.  But then happiness swept over me.  I was home and that was all that
mattered. 

“Kettle’s
boiling,” said Nan.

We
went straight into the kitchen and Nan poured hot water into the teapot. 

“Lovely,”
I breathed.  “They don’t know how to make proper tea in France.”

“So,
the ladies academy wasn’t all you thought it would be?”

I
shook my head.  “It was still teaching music to young girls, who weren’t
interested,” I lied.

“What’s
your next plan?  Advertise for more pupils?”

“I
think I’ll go for the scholarship again and then take it from there.”

“Well,
your name’s down as I said in my letter.”  She gave me a sidelong glance.  “You
look pale and thinner.  I think that French academy has taken it out of you.”

I
smiled but didn’t answer.  Mrs Holland had advised me to carry on with the
pills and tonics she had first prescribed telling me that I would need to build
up my health and stamina again.  I would of course, but I had a hundred things
to do now that I was back in London and I couldn’t wait to get started.

“Mama,”
said Danny and I looked down at him sitting on my knee.  “What colour are your
eyes?”

I
nearly fell off my chair in surprise.  “Brown, dearest.  What colour are
yours?”

“Blue,”
he said nonchalantly.

I
looked at Nan and she gave me a smug smile.  She had done a wonderful job.

Five days later
I went to the bank where I had made an appointment with the manager.  Twelve
hundred pounds had been deposited into my account within days of Mrs Holland
arriving back in England.  Again, I had to admire her efficiency and organising
abilities.  I couldn’t believe that it was all over, but as I watched the long,
thin face of the bank manager advising me about my money, shame swept through
me.  Was the money tainted?  I had sold a child!  But if I loved the father of
the child I had borne, didn’t that make it all right?  I tried to concentrate
on the advice given to me.

“Copper
is the best investment, Mrs Asquith,” said Mr Williams.  “These newfangled
telephone contraptions are going to become popular, mark my words.  And of
course, copper is needed for wiring the telegraph network.”

“Copper
then,” I nodded.  “What company do you suggest?”

“There’s
an excellent one just started up.  It’s in Montana, America, in a place called
Butte north-west of Yellowstone Park and it’s called,” he looked down at a piece
of paper on his desk, “the
Anaconda Mining Company
.  If the initial
reports are accurate it seems it’s in a rich copper veined area.  Owned by an
Irish immigrant by the name of Marcus Daly.  Shall we go for that one?”

“What
a strange name for a company,” I laughed.

Mr
Williams gave a hearty chuckle.  “Yes it is, but a nice little business from
what I’ve read.” 

I
thought rapidly, I had done my sums.  “Then let’s go for that one.”

“And
it’s to be five hundred pounds?” 

I
nodded. 

I had
decided to keep money in my account to build up interest and I needed some for
my fees and household expenses, but the rest I wanted to invest.  Daniel had
always said that investing money was the sensible thing to do.  Then you get a
share in the profits, he had told me.  And my darling had been a mineralogist
and somehow a copper company seemed the logical thing to invest in.  I knew
that Daniel would have been pleased.  I left the bank dancing on air.

It
seemed incredible to be attending the scholarship auditions again, but since my
name was on the list, I thought I might as well see it through.  How ironic it
would be, I thought, if I actually won a place this year.  I sat in the
impressive foyer with the red and white marble floor tiles and waited my turn. 
And when my name was called, I went into the theatre and faced the assessors
once again.

I
sang the old English folksong
Cherry Ripe
, putting every effort into my
performance and at the conclusion, the assessors smiled and told me that their
decision would be made the following morning.  I made my way home on the
omnibus as I had done so many times before, wincing at my choice of song and
wondered if the assessors’ smiles had stemmed from pleasure or derision at my
elementary choice.  But I had wanted to keep it simple and it was a song my
pupils used to sing for me.

I was
filled with trepidation when I followed the other applicants into the theatre
the following morning at ten minutes to ten o’clock.  Dear Lord, I thought in
alarm, if I win the scholarship then everything I’ve been through this last
year will have been for nothing.  Karl, Mrs Holland, Chateau St Julienne, the
baby, need not have happened.  I wondered if I should send the money back to
Karl, via Mrs Holland if I did win the scholarship.  That would appease my
conscience.

But
it wasn’t to be.  The three names the assessor read out didn’t include mine and
I was filled with hysterical relief.  It was only when I came back into the
foyer that I had the sudden urge to burst into laughter and I was forced to put
my hand over my mouth to stifle the giggles.  The other candidates looked at me
as though I was insane and I quickly ran up the staircase to the administration
office.  I had to sit and wait for ten minutes until a woman, who I would find
out later was a tutor, came to take me into a classroom.  She seated herself at
the piano and gave me some scales to sing and then asked me to sing any song I
wished.  I decided to repeat the one I had performed the day before since it
was a happy melody.  She raised her hand after the first verse.

“Very
good, Mrs Asquith.  I believe you will make an excellent student at this
academy.”  I felt pleased and yet rather subdued.  Now that I could pay my way,
I was acceptable.  “Are you married?”  Seeing my confusion, she explained,
“It’s the policy of the academy always to check that a married woman has the
permission of her husband before we admit her on a course.”

I
felt offended and it showed.  “I’m a widow, ma’am,” I said hotly.  “But if my
husband were alive he would be more than pleased to give his permission.”

She
shrugged indifferently.  “I have to ask.  Please go and pay your fees to the
bursar.  His office is just down the corridor.  You can start at the beginning
of September with the other new students.”

I had
done it, but it felt different from what I had expected.  I really had changed
over the last year.  I had lost my impetuousness and fervour.  Was it because I
had loved two men who had been lost to me?  One to a terrible disaster and the
other because he was not mine to begin with.  Had my life been turned upside
down by the failings of the heart?  I felt cross with myself and as I travelled
home I decided that I must snap out of it.  I must concentrate on my dreams to
become an opera singer.  Wasn’t that what I had striven for?  Wasn’t that what
I wanted?

CHAPTER
FOURTEEN

“Y
ou
were successful?” Nan’s face turned almost white with shock.

“Don’t
sound so surprised.  You said third time lucky.”  I tried not to look her in
the eye, but gave my attention to Danny who wanted to clamber up on my knee.

“Well
done.  Goodness me, I’m surprised I must admit.  But I’m so pleased.”  She
kissed my cheek.  “So, when do you start?”

“At
the beginning of September with the other new students.”

“You’ll
have to work hard,” she warned.

“I
know that,” I laughed.  “And I’m ready to work hard.”

Gwilym
came for dinner and was equally surprised and yet delighted with my success. 
As I watched the faces of my family, I began to feel slightly sick.  I was
deceiving them and yet what else could I do?  I couldn’t tell them the truth. 
They would have been disgusted with me.

“I’ll
have finished my studies by Christmas,” said Gwilym, taking a gulp of the wine
he had brought with him.  “I’ll be a doctor with letters after my name.”

“What
do you intend doing then?” I asked.

“Not
sure yet.  I suppose I ought to stay on at St Bart’s but I’m going to see how
things go.”

As I
crawled into bed that night, I spent many hours tossing and turning.  I watched
Danny sleeping in his cot and felt so happy that I was with him again.  I had
missed him terribly.  My thoughts turned to the coming months.  There were two
long years ahead of me and I was looking forward to it and yet I felt
apprehensive.  I would work hard and I would achieve what I had set out to do. 
But suddenly I wondered if I had paid a heavy price for my ambition.  Too heavy
a price perhaps?  Was I strong enough to bear the consequences of my actions? 
For at the back of my mind, lingered a terrible thought that everything I had
done would come back to haunt me.

How can I
explain the next few months?  August was spent with my son, since I was
determined to give him as much of my time as possible.  He was growing into a
lovely little boy and we went to the park everyday, feeding the ducks and enjoying
the wonderful summer weather.  And when September arrived I travelled to The
Royal Academy of Music to start my studies.  I stood in front of the building
for five minutes before entering the doors as a student.  The very idea made me
gasp with excitement.

I
absorbed everything I learnt like a sponge absorbs water.  If the tutors had
asked me to cut off my small finger, I would have done it.  My dedication was
unrivalled, my enthusiasm admired by tutors and students alike.

By
the time Christmas arrived, I had put the events of that year to the back of my
mind, although I found it difficult to dismiss Karl from my memory.  I had to
force myself not to think of him, but memories surfaced at the most unexpected
times and it annoyed me because they caused me such pain.  With the start of
the festive season I believed I had been successful in blotting out his image. 
But I hadn’t reckoned on my brother and sister-in-law and their growing
concerns for me.  That Christmas, the third anniversary of the mining accident,
I was to find out that others could feel pain too.  And anger.  Terrible anger.

Christmas Day
began at six o’clock with Danny pulling me downstairs to open his gifts just as
he had done on his birthday. 

“We
have to wait for Uncle Gwilym.  He’ll be here soon,” I laughed, holding on
tightly to his hand.

“No!
No, don’t wait for Uncy Gwily,” he said impatiently.

“Yes,
Danny.  We must.”

Gwilym
could only stay for Christmas luncheon, since he had volunteered to take the
afternoon duty at the hospital.  He was now a qualified doctor and had taken
the oath that he would follow for the rest of his medical life, but he hadn’t
made a decision about his future yet.  I prayed he would stay in London, I
couldn’t bear the thought of him moving away.

Danny
rushed to the door when the loud rat-tat finally came and I followed him.

“Just
in time,” I smiled, giving my brother a kiss and trying to peer at the gifts he
carried.  “We’re just going to start the vegetables.  The turkey is already in
the oven.” 

He
removed his coat and hung it on the peg.  “Turkey?  How extravagant.  I thought
it would be sausages with you not earning for the next few years.” 

I
don’t know if I imagined it but there seemed to be a hint of sarcasm in his
tone.

“The
butcher is very kind,” I said, ignoring his offhand manner.  He went into the
kitchen and through the half-open door I saw him give Nan the bottle of wine he
had brought and then they seemed to be in heated discussion.  “Come on, you
two,” I called.  “I can’t hold back your nephew any longer.”

They
came through into the parlour and although they were laughing they both seemed
strained.

“Yes,
let’s open our gifts,” said Gwilym, sitting on the floor next to me.

For
the next thirty minutes we opened the presents and to my delight, Nan’s eyes
nearly popped out of her head when she saw her new Singer sewing machine.

“It’s
so lovely,” she sighed.  “I hope I can understand the instructions.”

“I’m
sure you can,” I laughed.  I pointed at the box containing the complete works
of Jane Austen.  “I’ll enjoy reading these…again.”

Gwilym
chuckled.  “Well, I remembered all your books were sold when the house in
Cwmdare had to go.  And I know how you loved your books.”

“Yes,
that was sad, but necessary.  I couldn’t trek a cartload of literature to
London with me.” 

He
nodded.  “And you had to sell all your jewellery too, if I remember.”

“I
did, but I needed to get as much money together for my journey here and also to
help Nan pay the bills until I collected some music pupils together.”

“Why
have you given up teaching?”  We had stayed on the floor and he leaned back
against the couch, watching me through half-closed eyes.

“I’ll
just go and see how the turkey is coming along,” said Nan and I caught the
warning glance she sent in Gwilym’s direction.

“What
do you mean?” I asked, feeling uneasy.

“You
said that even when you become a student at the academy, you would still need
to teach to pay your way.  But you’ve not done that and I just wondered why.”

I
shrugged.  “I decided to concentrate entirely on my studies.  I didn’t want any
distraction.”

He
watched Danny for a moment, busy with his wooden fort and toy soldiers.  “How
are you paying your bills?” he asked quietly.

“Oh,
I’ve put money aside.” 

“Did
the ladies academy in France pay well?”

“It
was good money.”

“Enough
to pay your bills for the next two years?”

“Mmm. 
More or less,” I said, trying to sound casual.

“What
was the name of the headmistress?”

“Pardon?”

“The
name of headmistress at this ladies academy?”

I
blew out a long breath.  “Mademoiselle Paradis.  Jacqui Paradis.”  I forced a
laugh, relieved that I still remembered her name.

Nan
came in from the kitchen.  “I’ve done the vegetables.  So, we can eat between
twelve and one, if you wish.”

We
nodded together.

“Sounds
wonderful,” I said.

“Issy
likes her gifts,” said Gwilym dryly, pulling himself up onto the couch.  “But
I’m surprised with all the wonderful stuff she’s been receiving.”

I saw
Nan’s shocked expression and she gave the merest shake of her head.

“What’s
going on here?” I snapped.  “If you have anything to say, then come out with it
and stop this stupid little game you’re playing.”  I sprang to my feet and
glared at them.

Nan
turned away in embarrassment.  “Leave it Gwilym.  It’s Christmas Day for
goodness sake.”

Gwilym
stood also and the three of us faced each other.  “Perhaps we could go for a
walk?” he suggested quietly.

I
nodded and we went into the hallway and collected our coats.  Nan watched us,
frowning.

“All
right, Gwilym, out with it,” I said, as we followed the streets of Hammersmith,
our destination unknown.

He
glanced about him.  “I tried to ignore the gold fob watch you started wearing…”

“That
was from the mother of one of my pupils,” I said vehemently.  I was starting to
believe my own lies.

“All
right, but then you bought me the most expensive stethoscope on the market.”

“Don’t
you like it?  I’ll take it back if you wish.”

He
shook his head and then gestured towards a cast iron bench by a small grassy
area.  “Let’s sit down, shall we.”  We took our seats.  “No, Issy, I love my
stethoscope and I’ll use it for many years to come.  But I just wondered where
you found the money.”

“It’s
rather rude to ask that about a gift you’ve received.”

“I
know, but it worried me.”

“I
used my savings,” I said quietly.

“And
last Christmas when you treated us to the theatre and the dinner dance. 
I...we, since Nan feels the same way, were rather concerned.”

“I
don’t understand why.  I had the money so I spent it.”

“And
then we come to your little jaunt to France.”

I
felt my mouth drying and I licked my lips.  “It turned out to be the wrong
decision,” I said lamely.

He
studied me while an uncomfortable silence fell between us.

Finally
he spoke.  “I might as well tell you.  I’ve met this headmistress of yours.”

“Have
you?  When?”  I blinked in horror. 

His
voice was low and his hazel eyes grew darker.  I could almost feel his anger. 
“Nan doesn’t know this but I went to France last June and found myself in the
area of Rennes.  I decided, on the spur of the moment, to pay you a surprise
visit at the academy.  I met Mademoiselle Paradis and received the startling
news that she had never employed a music teacher by the name of Mrs Isabelle
Asquith, but she had been accepting letters on behalf of a certain lady with
that name.  Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

I
stared down at my gloved hands.  I would not cry I told myself firmly. 
Mademoiselle Jacqui Paradis had been very indiscreet, but there again, she
wouldn’t have known the reason why I needed my mail diverting. 

I
glanced up to see Gwilym staring at me with a look I had never seen before.  I
shook my head and shuddered.  “It’s got nothing to do with you,” I said.

He
ignored me.  “And then you arrive home in possession of some expensive items.”

“What
expensive items?”

“A
beautiful walnut jewellery box, a silver brooch and an exquisite gold and
diamond pendant.”

“Who
told you…?”  A lump came to my throat.  Nan must have told him, only she would
go into my bedroom.  “They were birthday presents.”

“Birthday
presents?  It makes me wonder who gave you them!”

“This
is not fair, Gwilym.” I jumped to my feet and he stood with me.  “I’m a grown
woman and I have the right to live my life as I feel fit and be entitled to my
privacy.  I’ll not be judged like this.”

He
put his hands on my shoulders.  “But the thing that really sticks in my craw,
Issy, is that you tell a barefaced lie about winning the scholarship to the
music academy.”

“But
I…I did.”

“Oh,
but you didn’t!”  His eyes seemed as black as coal.  “I treated a patient who
is studying at the academy and he informed me that of the three students that
were chosen last July, there was only one woman.  With fair hair and blue eyes
and only eighteen at that.”  I didn’t know how to answer him and stared down at
his boots in desperation.  His grip tightened on my shoulders.  “You have a
lover, haven’t you?  No doubt a married man who has made you his mistress and
he’s been supplying you with cash and buying you expensive gifts.  You went to
France to be with him and obviously he’s now paying your academy fees.  Who is
he?”

I
lifted my face and he could see everything in my expression.  What he had
surmised couldn’t have been further from the truth and yet how could I deny it
without incriminating myself?

“Yes,”
I whispered.  “I have a lover.  And he’s paying my academy fees.”  Nausea
washed over me.

His
hands dropped to his side, his expression contemptuous.  “You little fool! 
Haven’t you learnt anything about life?  He’ll use you and then when he tires
of you or finds someone else, he’ll discard you like a pair of old slippers.”

I
narrowed my eyes at him and spat out the bile that was churning inside my gut. 
“Perhaps I’m using him.  After all, it’s a way to get my academy fees paid.”

In
one quick movement, he raised his hand and slapped me across the face, sending
me reeling to one side.  When I regained my balance I could taste the
bitterness of blood on my lip.  His expression of utter loathing was dreadful
to see.