Sorrows of Adoration (55 page)

When he spoke those
words, the memory of what had occurred replayed instantly in my
mind. He said that he had lost control over me. Then his pointed
finger had closed into a fist, and he swung at my face, the back of
his hand landing on my right cheek. So heavy was the blow that it
had sent me spinning across the room. I recalled trying to catch
myself on a chair but instead had stumbled over it and fallen to
the floor, momentarily stunned into unconsciousness.

My husband had struck
me. The very hand that had once touched my cheek in gentle
adoration had now been used as a weapon upon that cheek. A rage
unlike I had ever known filled my mind.

Kurit was still
rambling with his sorrowful apologies. I glared at him, and he
stopped, removing his hand from my shoulder. He looked at me
through eyes red from tears and tried to touch my arm with some
kind of sorry affection. I moved myself out of reach and tried to
sit up, never ceasing my glare, though it did waver when I was hit
with vertigo from sitting up too quickly.

“I shall run and fetch
Tash,” Kurit said. “Be still, Aenna. I shall bring him at once.” He
began to rise, as did I. “No, Aenna, you mustn’t try to stand,” he
said. He came to my side and tried to touch me again.

In fury and disgust, I
moved myself away from him and managed to rise to my feet. I used
my anger to lend me strength as I had when returning to Endren from
my abduction. My head swam with dizziness, and my stomach lurched,
but I had found a wall on which to lean and was able to remain
still and continue to glare at my husband.

He stood helplessly
across the room from me, not knowing what to do, it seemed. Tears
of great regret rolled down his drunken cheeks, but they served
only to fan the flame of my fury. He held out his hands plaintively
and said, “I didn’t mean to strike you.”

It was such an absurd
statement; how could one put their fist to the face of someone they
supposedly loved and then claim that it had not been intended? His
adamant plea for my immediate forgiveness enraged me all the more.
Without a word, I stumbled to the door and out of the room.

“Aenna, please!” he
cried out behind me. I shut him out of my mind as I climbed the
stairs as quickly as I could.

He did not follow me. I
looked behind me when I reached my chamber door, and he was not
there. Still furious, I stormed into my rooms and called out loudly
to Leiset. She hurriedly came out of her room. Before she could
speak, I began issuing orders, keeping my head low so she would not
see the swelling I could feel growing on my face. “Pack yourself a
bag, Leiset. We’re going to the royal cottage. I’ll gather my own
things together. Move quickly, and once you have what you need
packed, go and summon the coachman. Tell him we’re leaving
immediately. And while you’re downstairs, arrange for guards to
ride with us. Actually, before you go downstairs, go please first
to Jarik’s room and tell him we’re going to the cottage, and that
he may join us if he wishes and if he can pack a bag quickly
enough. I’ll take care of fetching Raelik and Lyenta. Go, now,
Leiset. Move quickly.”

She did not move. She
stood there stunned, and in retrospect I do not blame her. “Aenna,
by the Temple, what is it? I don’t understand,” Leiset said.

I looked up at her
angrily, and she caught sight of the swelling on my right cheek. I
could feel it throbbing, and I imagined that it must already have
been quite red. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She rushed to
my side and said, “No, this can’t be what I suspect it to be. Oh,
Aenna—”

I held up my hand to
silence her. “There is no time for this now, Leiset. We are leaving
the palace tonight before anyone can see me. I won’t have this
kingdom fall apart because of rumour and accusation. Go now. Do as
I ask, please.”

Leiset nodded. “For how
long should I pack?”

My mind was operating
in a single line of thought and clinging to that line desperately.
I was unprepared for the question, having not thought that far
ahead, and felt my grasp on stability slip as a result. I shook my
head to regain control and bluntly answered, “I don’t know. A
month, perhaps. Perhaps longer.”

Leiset nodded again and
began to carry out my requests quickly. I went into my bedchamber
and started piling clothing on the bed. I did everything in a
deliberate, calculated fashion in order to prevent any anomaly from
shaking my tenuous grasp on sanity. I found my travel bags and
began carefully folding the clothes into them. Leiset entered at
some point and said that she was going to alert Jarik, the
coachman, and the guards.

“What should I tell
Jarik?” she asked tentatively.

Again, I was unprepared
for the question and had to force myself to concentrate on my one
clear intention of leaving the palace. “Just tell him that I’m
leaving on an urgent journey immediately, and since he will be
upset if I go anywhere without his protection, he may as well hurry
up and come along.”

A few minutes later,
Jarik came running into the bedchamber. I continued my packing,
which kept the injured side of my face away from his view.

“Aenna, what is it?
What’s this nonsense about leaving in the middle of the night?” he
asked.

“Just go and pack your
bag if you’re coming along,” I said without emotion.

Of course, he could not
accept such a reply. He came to me and put his hands on my
shoulders as he asked, “What has Kurit said to you now?” Turning me
towards him, he caught sight of my swollen cheek. His eyes widened
as Leiset’s had. “By the Temple, Aenna …” he whispered in
shock. He tried to pull me into an embrace, but I would not let
him.

“Jarik, not now. Go and
get your things if you’re coming with me,” I said, wriggling my
shoulders out of his hands. I turned back to the task of packing,
but from the corner of my eye I saw that he was no longer sad. His
face had grown dark with anger, and his fists were clenched at his
sides.

“Don’t just stand
there, Jarik. The coach will be leaving the courtyard very soon,
and if you’re not there, then believe me, I shall go without you.
Choose now whether it is more important to you to go and bludgeon
Kurit or to come with me. Quite frankly, I no longer care. But the
coach will leave with or without you.” I fastened my bags shut and
lifted them from the bed. As I tried to pass him, he took them from
my hands.

“Go and fetch your son,
then,” he said quietly. “I’ll carry these and collect my own things
together, then meet you in the courtyard in less than five
minutes.”

I nodded and let him
take my bags, as I did feel a little wobbly still from the
blow.

I hurried to the
nursery, afraid that Kurit would be in the corridor, but he wasn’t.
I picked Raelik up out of his bed, bundling him in a blanket as I
did so. I whispered to Lyenta that we were leaving the palace
immediately and that she should quickly gather together whatever
she and Raelik would need for perhaps a month’s stay at the
cottage.

“Don’t fuss over
anything,” I said. “Just do it quickly and bring the bags down to
the courtyard.”

Raelik stirred
momentarily in my arms but dropped back into sleep as I cuddled him
to me. I left the nursery, walking as swiftly as I could without
jostling my son awake. I found it difficult to go down the stairs,
as I had to support myself on the banister, leaving only one tired
and trembling arm to carry Raelik against me.

When I finally reached
the bottom, I saw light coming from Kurit’s open workroom door. I
looked in that direction and saw his silhouetted figure there,
watching me. I then turned away and walked through the Great Hall
as though I had not seen him.

It was not long before
we were all in the coach—Leiset beside me, Jarik across from me
beside Lyenta, and Raelik asleep in my lap. As the coach began to
move, Raelik sat up and blinked in wonder. He looked at me and
sleepily asked, “Mumma?”

“Hush, sweet boy,” I
said softly to him as I pulled him into a hug. “We’re just going on
a little adventure. We’re taking a trip to the cottage, and there
we shall play in the fields and I shall teach you to swim in the
lake. Would you like that, Raelik?”

He nodded, yawned, and
nuzzled his head into my shoulder. I cooed at him awhile longer
until he fell back asleep. No one else spoke a word, thankfully,
and I took to staring out the window at the darkness. I had
deliberately chosen the seat that put my right side towards the
window so the others would not have to continually avert their eyes
from what felt like an enormous lump on my face.

As we rode along, I
clung to my little boy, frequently kissing the top of his head.
About an hour into the journey, Leiset broke the awkward silence by
asking if I wanted her to take Raelik for a while.

“No,” I whispered. “I
could not bear to let go of him right now.”

Halfway to the cottage,
the coach paused at the rest station that had been built in the
aftermath of the unpleasant ride to the cottage on my wedding
night. I allowed Lyenta to take Raelik from me, knowing that he
would need to be taken to the outhouse. Leiset went with them,
leaving Jarik and me in the coach alone.

“Are you going to go
outside as well?” he asked.

Without looking at him,
I shook my head. He moved from his bench to sit beside me and tried
to take my hand. I pulled it away from him, knowing that if I
looked at him or touched him, the pain of what had happened would
become real to me. I did not wish to break down when I would still
have to spend another two hours in this coach with my son.

He tried again to touch
me in comfort, so I said, “Not now, Jarik. Not yet.”

He removed his hand and
whispered sadly, “I understand.” Then he left me alone in the
coach, and I let my mind go numb, just as it had when I was locked
in the box under the cart, courtesy of my abductors.

When they came back to
the coach, Raelik was awake and chattering excitedly. He scrambled
into my lap and told me in his sweet little child’s voice that
Lyenta had let him pat the horses. I wrapped my arms around him and
feigned interest in an appropriate, motherly way, asking him about
it and letting him babble to me. Soon I said, “Raelik dear, I’m
sure you’ll have all sorts of wonderful adventures starting
tomorrow at the cottage. Why don’t you sleep now in Mumma’s lap so
you can play all day long tomorrow?” I kissed his forehead and
snuggled him against me, loving him entirely. He spoke to me a
short time longer and then eventually fell asleep in my arms.

We all sat in an
awkward, tired silence for the remainder of the trip. When we
arrived, Mikel awaited us at the door.

“Majesty, your
messenger arrived an hour ago to say you were coming,” he said
nervously, no doubt wondering why we would be arriving so
unexpectedly and in the middle of the night. “Pirine is just
finishing putting fresh sheets on the beds. Forgive us, Majesty.
Had we known you were coming we would have been better
prepared—”

I held up a hand to
quiet him, my other arm carrying my sleeping son. “Don’t fret about
it,” I whispered. “It was urgent that we come tonight. Whatever you
see or hear while I am here is to be considered extremely private
and not to be discussed with anyone.” My mind was still on its
directed track of emotionless activity as I passed Mikel and
entered the cottage.

“Of course, Majesty,” I
heard him say behind me.

I carried Raelik
swiftly upstairs to the makeshift nursery. Pirine saw that the
child was sleeping and kept thankfully quiet as I put Raelik in the
small bed. He did not wake, even as I kissed his sweet forehead
goodnight and left him and Lyenta in the room together.

I went to the corridor
to find Jarik, Leiset, and Pirine standing there. They watched me,
unsure what to do next. “Make yourselves comfortable in whatever
rooms you wish,” I said quietly as I walked past them to the master
bedchamber. “We shall remain here until my face no longer bears a
mark. If anyone should ask, this is merely an unscheduled vacation
because I have felt fatigued lately.”

As I reached the
bedchamber door, I realized that I had also reached the end of my
clear and linear plan. I had known what I wanted to happen and what
I would ensure did happen until that last instruction. Having
completed that, I was plunged into a frightening lack of knowledge
or direction. My fury at Kurit had fuelled me to that point, but
misery quickly came to replace the anger.

The thought of
something else to tell those still standing in the corridor
fluttered briefly in my mind, but by the time I had opened my
mouth, I couldn’t remember what I had wanted to say. I became
confused and disoriented, and then I was hit by such a wave of
anguish I could barely manage to turn the doorknob and enter the
bedchamber.

Only two small lanterns
were lit in the room, providing enough light to move about but not
so much as to banish the darkness. Because of this, the room was
eerie and made me shudder. The sight of the bed where Kurit had
first made love with me broke my heart, and I wondered what madness
had possessed me to come here and suffer these memories. I put my
hands to my face to stifle a sob, for I was still beside the door
and did not wish to be heard in my weakness.

Unable to bear the
thought of touching the bed where Kurit had loved me, I went
instead to the small couch at the other end of the room and sat
with my head in my hands. I wept quietly, hoping no one would enter
to see how wretchedly pitiful I had become. For that was what I
imagined myself—a pitiable child, broken-hearted that her bard-song
romance was truly over. Kurit had become some other man, some
terrible, brutish dog who seemingly held no love for me. I ached
miserably as I longed for the man I had known. I thought of his old
roguish grin and wept all the more for missing it.