Sorrows of Adoration (62 page)

“I don’t like feeling
this way. I don’t like needing you so much, Jarik. I used to be
strong; as solid as the statue of me that stands in the
marketplace.”

“You’re not made of
stone, Aenna. Lean on me. I shall not let you fall.”

His sweet words touched
my heart. I could say nothing in return.

He kissed the top of my
head and said, “Let me take you back to your bed. I shall stay with
you, if you wish.”

I nodded against his
chest, fighting the urge to weep again. How I loathed my tears and
myself for shedding them.

Keeping one arm around
my shoulders, Jarik led me back to my bedchamber. He pulled back
the bed sheets, and I lay down. He laid himself beside me, slipping
a strong arm under my neck and the other around me as I curled my
arms against his chest. I moved my head forward against his
shoulder and felt my forehead brush his bearded chin. I closed my
eyes and let myself drift to sleep in his most beautiful
embrace.

When I awoke in the
morning, I did so alone. Jarik was nowhere to be seen. I did not
find him until after I had eaten a quick and small breakfast. I
only ate at all because Leiset kept nagging me about how terribly
thin I had become.

Jarik was outside with
Raelik, showing him how to hold a small wooden sword. My Champion
looked up at me briefly when I arrived but did not take his
attention away from my son long enough to directly acknowledge me.
He showed the boy how to properly stand, though Raelik was still
such a small child that he had trouble keeping his balance. I
feared he would become frustrated and upset, but Jarik was so
patient and encouraging that my boy showed no sign of such
unpleasant emotions.

Only when Raelik was
playing confidently and safely with his new toy did Jarik approach
me.

“Much as I adore seeing
you spending such thoughtful time with him, I very much dislike
seeing him with a weapon in his hand,” I said so only Jarik could
hear.

“We have already spoken
of this, Aenna. The boy needs to learn these things someday, and
right now he needs to feel like a man. And he’s perfectly safe—I
had Mikel make that dummy for him without any sharp points or
edges, and I personally ensured that it was sanded smoothly so he
won’t get splinters.”

“Thank you. I
appreciate your concern,” I said a little sadly. Raelik was not
swinging the wooden sword about at all, but rather practicing
standing ready with it as Jarik had shown him. His small face was
very serious with concentration.

“He is my kin, after
all,” said Jarik. “Though I’d care likewise for any child of yours,
even if you had not married Kurit.”

“What do you think
Kurit is doing right now?” I wondered aloud.

“I’d rather not
speculate. If I guess something unpleasant and am wrong, I will be
guilty of doubting my cousin and King. If I guess something
honourable and am wrong, I do him a service of trust he does not
deserve.”

I nodded. “I wish I
knew. Do you think that perhaps he needs me there?”

Jarik sighed and face
became dark. “Not half as much as I feel the need to keep you away
from him.”

“Then you do doubt
him.”

“No. And yes. I want to
believe that he will return to the man that we knew and respected
in years past. I’m simply not willing to risk your safety on
that.”

“We must return
eventually.”

“Yes. And I shall be
within close range of you at all times. Unless I sense improvement,
I shall be quite loathe to let him be alone with you.”

There was a short
silence as I debated asking him my next question. “Why did you
leave me to wake alone?”

He looked at me sadly
and then looked about to see if anyone was nearby and watching.
When he had satisfied himself that we were alone but for the small
boy who paid us no heed, he put his arms gently around me and
cupped my head against his chest. “It tore my heart to leave you
there, Aenna, but I could not risk Lyenta, Pirine, or even Leiset
finding me in your bed. I will not allow your name to be sullied by
rumour.”

Jarik ended the embrace
and again looked about us suspiciously. He had held me many times
before without concern for who saw it, and it was odd that now he
would worry about rumours. I thought that perhaps he was concerned
more so now that we had been intimate and thus could not honestly
deny an accusation of impropriety.

“Does that mean you
will not hold me again tonight?”

“Aenna, my main concern
is for your well-being. If that requires me to hold you through
part of the night, then I shall do so. But I also must be vigilant
and ensure that your good name is not slandered by idle
tongues.”

“Do you hold me only
because I need it, then?”

With another quick
glance about, he put a gentle hand to my cheek. “Of course not,
Aenna. You know that I love you. I was enraptured last night as I
held you and watched you sleep.

“Did you not sleep
then?”

“Not until I left your
room, no.”

“Why ever not? I was in
no danger last night.”

He smiled and blushed
slightly and then said in a low voice, “If I tell you why, you
shall laugh at me.”

“Oh, Jarik, I’d never
do any such thing.”

“It’s ridiculously
silly. Boyish, even.” He blushed further, and I loved it. What an
adorable thing, to see the mightiest warrior reduced to a silly
blush! He averted his eyes from mine and pretended to concentrate
on Raelik.

I glanced at my son and
could tell from the child’s expression that he was beginning to
tire of his current play and would undoubtedly soon come seeking
other entertainment. I knew then that I only had a few moments to
drag this information out of Jarik before he would gladly accept
Raelik’s inevitable distraction.

“Tell me, please. I
promise I shall neither laugh nor mock you.”

He did not look at me
as he quietly said, “Your bruise is almost gone. We shall have to
return to Endren soon, and my time of being close to you shall end.
Well, it shall hopefully end, for that is the result if Kurit’s
sensibilities have returned to him. I love my cousin and I love
you, and I do very much wish to see you both happy again, even if
it does mean that I have no cause to take you away and make you my
wife.”

“You’re changing the
subject.”

Jarik glanced at me
briefly and chuckled. “Curse you for being so intelligent,” he
teased.

“And curse you for
being so obfuscating. Now tell me why you remained awake half the
night,” I insisted, though I smiled as I spoke.

He sighed and looked
away again. “Because, Gods be kind, I shall never again have the
opportunity to hold you as you sleep. I could not bear to waste a
single moment of that time on my own slumber. You were so beautiful
and at peace—I wanted to paint a portrait of you like that in my
mind, and so I just looked at you all night. Then when the first
light of dawn began to peek through the window, I slipped my arms
out from under you so as not to wake you. I remained in the room,
standing by your bed for a few moments to ensure that you were
still sleeping, and then I quietly left.”

I thought I might weep
silly, girlish tears of romantic joy at his words, but I managed to
hold them back. Just as I was about to take his face between my
hands and kiss him—not caring a whit who saw—Raelik came bounding
to us joyfully.

“Raelik!” said Jarik
loudly but in concern more than anger. “I do recall having told you
that you are not to run about with that sword.”

Raelik slowed his pace
immediately. He walked the remainder of the distance quite slowly
and carefully, looking to Jarik for approval.

“Much better, Your
Highness,” said Jarik respectfully, earning an enormous grin from
the boy as he stopped just in front of us. “You shall have to
always be very careful with that sword, or your mother will make me
take it from you. And it is a great shame for a warrior to be
stripped of his weapon.”

Raelik looked
sheepishly at me. I nodded at him seriously, though he was so
adorable that I had to prevent myself from scooping him up in
delight. Then my son bowed to me—he actually put his arm before his
waist and bowed to me in perfect respect and honour! It was the
most adorable sight I had ever seen, and I lost all resolve as a
result. I did bend and pick him up in my arms as he let the sword
fall to the ground. He seemed so heavy in my recently weakened
arms, but I held him tightly to me nonetheless.

“Oh, my sweet boy,
Mumma loves you so very much!” I said as I kissed the top of his
head. He looked up at me, planted a joyous kiss on my cheek, and
then favoured me with another big grin.

I heard Jarik laughing
merrily behind us. I glanced at him long enough to see him bend and
retrieve the wooden sword, and then we walked happily back to the
cottage for our midday meal.

* * *

I did not have to fetch
Jarik that night. He came to my room shortly after I had put out
the lamps. He asked me quietly first if I wanted his company again,
and of course I said yes. I lifted the sheets for him as he slipped
into bed beside me and once again wrapped his loving arms around
me.

I had been thinking
about what had occurred by the lake before he arrived and was quite
aroused. Though I had no intention of asking him again to make love
with me, I could not help but gently kiss his neck, as it was right
there before my face. When I brushed my lips softly along his
throat and put them around the masculine ridge therein, he moaned
and I felt the vibrations of it in my mouth.

I continued kissing his
neck though he twice whispered that I should not. Finally, he
pulled back from me and said, “Do not tempt me, Aenna.”

I sighed and felt
immediately guilty. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It is unfair to do
this to you when I have every intention of returning to my
husband.”

“Do not mistake me—I
appreciate your affection. Very much so. I just don’t think that I
can continue to resist you.”

“I do not intend to ask
you to make love with me again, Jarik. I merely longed for your
lips.”

He caressed my cheek
and whispered, “Ah. Well, that much I can certainly handle.” Then
he leaned forward and pressed his mouth to mine. I parted my lips
to accept his adept tongue and thereafter became lost in time as we
kissed each other in hungry love.

When we reached a point
where the kissing had become so fervent that he clutched me to him
and our moans began to rise above whispers, he tore his lips away
from mine and buried his face in the pillow beneath my head. After
a moment, he raised himself up to look at me and breathlessly said,
“I cannot go on. My hands yearn to wander where they should not,
and my mind is filled with lust.”

“You won’t leave, will
you?”

He shook his head. “No.
I could not bear to go, but neither can my body bear to continue on
in this. Allow me please to just hold you, perhaps to speak for
some time until our fires burn out.”

I nodded and smiled,
sufficiently happy to snuggle more innocently into his embrace. He
gave me one more kiss, a sweet little one on my forehead, and said,
“I love you. I shall always love you, for I always have.”

“You promised you would
tell me how it could be that you loved me before you even truly
knew me.”

“That I did. Very well,
I shall tell you. But first you need to know that I was not always
the man you know me to be. Before we met, Aenna, I was a bit of a
scoundrel.”

“A scoundrel? You? I
cannot believe that!” I said incredulously, almost forgetting to
keep my voice low, lest we be heard and the entire house know that
we were together behind closed doors at such a late hour.

“Perhaps scoundrel is
too strong a word, for I never showed a lady any disrespect.” He
shifted, cleared his throat in obvious embarrassment, and then
said, “I just went to bed with several of them.”

“Several?”

“Several.”

“How many is several?”
I asked and then realized it was quite indecorous of me to ask.

Jarik gave me an odd
look—somewhere between a smile and reproach—and said simply,
“Several.”

“Ah. Sorry.”

He kissed my forehead
sweetly and continued. “The priests may tell us that the Gods have
no gender, but I cannot believe that. Some of them must be men, for
only men could conceive of such exquisite creatures as women and
not create an equivalent thing of beauty for those women to
enjoy.”

“Oh, I think you’re
being unfair,” I said. “I find men to be quite enticing. It is, in
fact, my misfortune to find two of your kind to be quite
alluring.”

“Ah, but my sweet Lady,
you are a woman of great sensuality. I do think that most of your
gender finds mine repugnant at best, and duly so. Regardless, the
fact remains that I find women to be marvellous creatures. All of
them, even the ones other men would find ugly. I have not yet
beheld a woman who was completely devoid of attractive
features—even vile and hateful women such as Sashken. Though of
course I have always loathed her and still now curse her spirit’s
name for her crimes, even she had physically attractive
qualities.”

“Such as?”

“Her mouth,” he said, a
little too quickly for my liking. “She had a thin and ugly face,
but upon it sat the sweetest little mouth. Perfectly full lips that
always seemed lusciously dark against her pale skin.” Jarik noticed
me rolling my eyes and whispered, “Do not be jealous, my love. I
never wished to kiss that mouth, for she was an awful person.
Furthermore, I cannot abide stupidity, and she certainly was no
great thinker. I am merely trying to explain to you that I had
always lived a life in worship of the female form and all the
treasures therein.

“I had no desire to
marry, though. I found love songs sung by bards to be silly, for
what a waste it seemed to swear to be only with one woman, when
there were so many others out there bearing gifts of exotic
pleasure. And so, I was quite careful to never seduce a woman
myself, lest she try to snare me into a marriage thereafter. I
simply made myself available in the presence of women and allowed
those who were desirous of my attentions to seduce me. Only once
did I make the mistake of bedding a virgin, though fortunately she
had no desire to wed a ‘brutish’ fellow as myself, or so she said.
And never did I have relations with a married or betrothed woman.
Until now, I suppose.” He looked at me guiltily.