Sorrows of Adoration (60 page)

Eventually I regained
enough to breath to hoarsely say, “I had no intention of the sort.
I told you as much.”

“I know,” he said, his
voice full of concern. “I just …” He did not finish the
thought but simply sighed.

I realized I was
unclothed in his arms and expected to feel ashamed but realized I
did not. This good man had seen me at my lowest point of existence.
He knew my every fear and insecurity. I had, in truth, been naked
to him for a long time. This was merely the first time my flesh had
been as well.

I leaned back enough in
his arms to look at his face, expecting to see him showing signs of
shame at the fact that he was touching my bare skin below the
water. To my surprise, there was no shame in his eyes. He gazed at
me intensely, making my heart flutter for him. He pulled me back
towards him and kissed me softly.

When his lips left
mine, he looked at me again. “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he
whispered.

“And I shouldn’t want
you to continue, Jarik, but I do.” I was amazed to hear myself
whisper the words to him, yet they were true. I was deeply in love
with him, and knew myself to be a fool to continue denying it.

When he kissed me
again, he did so with passion, pressing his mouth firmly to mine
and moving his lips sensuously. Not only did my heart flutter, but
my entire body lit up in a fiery arousal. He kissed me for some
time, running his hands up and down my unclothed back and sides,
almost brushing the sides of my breasts as he moved.

Then he moved in the
water such that I was cradled in his arms. He stopped kissing me
and awkwardly stumbled up the bank and out of the water, carrying
my nude form in his arms. He walked a few steps from the shore and
sank slowly to his knees, still holding me.

With great tenderness,
he laid me down in the grass and then fell beside me and kissed me
again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and joyously held his head
to mine, fearful that he would realize the seriousness of what was
occurring and would stop.

Thankfully, he did not
stop. His lips and tongue continued to move wonderfully against my
own as the hand that wasn’t busy holding himself up caressed my
cheek. He ran his strong fingers gently through my wet hair and
then down my jaw line to my neck. Tenderly, he moved his fingertips
against the curves of my neck and shoulder, filling me with great
desire.

When he paused kissing
for a moment to look into my eyes, I lifted my head to put my lips
back to his. Slowly, I brushed the full part of my lower lip
against his upper one, moving it in sensual circles there.

“Oh, Aenna,” he moaned
softly, his breath hot on my chin. Desire overtook him then, and he
moved his lips down my chin and onto my neck. I could not help but
writhe lustily in the grass as he kissed and nibbled my throat, my
shoulders, and my face.

Overwhelmed with love
and desire, I whispered, “Make love with me, Jarik.”

He stopped kissing
abruptly and lifted his head to look at me. I had expected to see
his eyes full of longing and desire, but instead they were
sorrowful and somewhat panicked. “I can’t,” he blurted out.

I put my hand gently to
his cheek and said, “I love you, Jarik. Please.”

He shut his eyes
tightly and said, “I love you, my dearest Aenna. I have always
loved you, but I cannot do this to you.” He began to move away from
me, but I reached out with both arms and clung to his wet
shirt.

“No, Jarik, please.
You’re not doing anything that I don’t want you to do.”

“Aenna, forgive me, but
you are hurt and vulnerable. I cannot take advantage of you. It is
bad enough that I have done this much.”

“Jarik, don’t say
that,” I pleaded. “Please, Jarik, I need you. Do you have any idea
how long it has been since I’ve felt the least bit desirable?” He
opened his eyes questioningly, and I said, “Since before Raelik was
born. Jarik, I have not been touched like this since before I was
taken away.”

An incredulous look
swept over Jarik’s face. “Is he mad?” he asked angrily. “By the
Gods, Aenna, I don’t understand how he could resist you, when I
have spent every night since that day at the outpost dreaming of
being with you.” He kissed me softly, endearingly, and then
whispered into my ear, “It is a tragedy that a woman as beautiful
as yourself could ever imagine that you are undesirable.”

“Then show me how you
desire me, Jarik. I love you, and I need you to love me. Show me
that of which you say you have dreamed. Make love with me,
please.”

He began kissing me
again. I slipped the tip of my tongue between his lips to entice
him. I wanted so badly to feel his weight upon me. I hungered to
hear him moan in pleasure as he moved in me. I was enthralled to
imagine him calling out my name in ecstasy.

Just as I thought my
fantasy would come true, he stopped kissing me again and said, “I
cannot do this. Aenna, my love, much as it means fighting every
spark of desire in my body and soul, I cannot make love with you.”
He laid himself beside me and pulled me into his arms. Kissing my
forehead, he said in obvious worry, “If you were to have a child
from our union, Aenna, everything would fall apart. Your current
troubles would seem as nothing compared to that which would arise
from such a scandal. It would be treasonous for each of us, and we
could rightly be hanged for it. I cannot put you at that risk, no
matter how much I wish to love you. Furthermore, as much as Kurit
has become a wretch of late, he is still my cousin and my King. I
cannot betray him.”

I shuddered in guilt at
the mention of betraying my Kurit. I closed my eyes and felt that I
was about to weep, both from Jarik’s denial and the knowledge that
I was, in fact, being unfaithful to my husband and my son’s father,
when suddenly Jarik pulled himself back from me.

“But yet I cannot leave
you feeling unwanted, Aenna, not when I have longed for so long to
be with you like this,” he whispered and then kissed me again. As
his mouth moved hungrily on mine, he pushed me to lie back again in
the grass. He lifted his head and said in a voice rich with love
and desire, “Though I cannot do as you ask and take pleasurable
advantage of you, I can and will give you the attention you
deserve.”

He fell again to
kissing my neck, this time more ravenously than before. I moaned
lustily as he moved his kisses and nibbles further down, soon
putting his face between my breasts. I closed my eyes in delight as
he swept his tongue over my nipples and ran his strong hands down
to my hips.

He continued kissing me
further down, tracing a slow line of kisses over my waist, stopping
just above my most private area. Then to my complete surprise, he
moved himself between my legs and put his mouth to me there.

“By the Temple, Jarik,
what are you doing?” I asked, starting to sit up. But his tongue
parted me and moved on that sensitive spot, filling my entire body
with such fiery pleasure that I collapsed back into the grass and
moaned in delight.

Never had I conceived
of such a thing. It seemed obscene, but try as I did to pull away
from him, it was all I could do to writhe in exquisite pleasure as
he continued to use his tongue and lips on me. I stopped fighting
it, both in my mind and with my body, and allowed him to bring me
to the height of ecstasy.

His skilled mouth, the
very obscenity of it, and the fact I had gone so long without a
man’s love combined to quickly fill me with a delicious fire. I
called out his name in rapture as my hands ripped great amounts of
grass from the ground on either side of me.

When he finished, he
rose and left me there, naked, eyes closed, fists full of lustily
torn dirt and grass. A moment later, I felt a softness around me,
and opened my eyes to see that he was wrapping my body in the
large, soft towel Leiset had left beside my clothes.

Jarik laid himself
beside me in the grass and pulled me into his arms. I nuzzled my
face against his shoulder, his shirt still wet from his plunge into
the lake.

“I love you,” he
whispered, kissing the top of my head.

“I want to please you
as well,” I said.

“Aenna, the memory of
you calling out my name in your delight will be more than
sufficient gratification for me in lonely nights to come. Much as I
long to make love with you now, I have told you, I cannot.”

“I wish that I could
split in two, and one of me could run off with you, Jarik, while
the other half could go back and be a proper Queen in Endren.”

He chuckled softly and
squeezed me tight. “Aenna, I have wished a thousand times of late
that I could take you in my arms and carry you off to another land
where I might love you and protect you from all harm and sorrows.
And I shall tell you this now: if Kurit cannot regain his
self-control, I will do just that. I won’t let him destroy you. I
cannot bear to watch him hurt you again, my love.” He kissed my
forehead several times and said, “If that should happen, if I
should have to take you away from him, then and only then will I
take pleasure in your love. To do so now would violate everything
that I am.”

He loosened his hold on
me to pull back and look at me in earnest. He caressed my cheek,
making me smile. We lay together, smiling quietly in love, for some
time.

Though the girlish,
romantic part of me yearned to let that perfect moment continue
indefinitely, my adult mind soon was forced to speak. “Leiset must
know at least something of what we have been doing. She quite
likely returned here, saw us, and left.”

Jarik nodded, still
caressing my cheek. “Hopefully she’ll have the sense to forget
whatever she saw.”

“Leiset is motivated by
a strong morality, Jarik, but she also knows and loves me. I have
no doubt that she will be discreet for my own sake. I trust
her.”

“Nonetheless, I suppose
we ought to return before anyone else conceives of a rumour.”

I nodded. He stood and
helped me to my feet. I held the towel around me as I walked to
where my clothes sat. It was perfectly ridiculous to conceal myself
from him, after all that had happened, but it seemed somehow
appropriate. As I dressed myself, I saw that he had his back
deliberately turned. He stood with his hands on his hips, idly
facing the other direction. Again, it was absurd, but I knew he was
showing me a clear indication of respect in spite of
everything.

I loved him all the
more for it.

When I was dressed, I
went to him and quietly put my arm in his. He smiled at me warmly
and then began slowly walking me up the path.

“I must confess, Aenna,
I have loved you since long before the troubles with Kurit
began.”

I nodded. “I know,
Jarik.”

“Have I been so
obvious?”

“I have seen your face
at times when you clearly longed for me. I saw how you fought for
me to be my Champion. I know you’ve been in love with me since
then.”

“Much earlier than
that, Aenna.”

I paused, and since my
arm was in his, he stopped as well. I looked at him seriously and
asked, “How long, then?”

“Since I picked you up
in my arms at the outpost.”

“But, Jarik,” I said in
disbelief, “you did not even know me!”

He nodded solemnly. “I
shall tell you of that later, when we have time to speak in
private.” We continued walking. “I have another confession, Aenna.
It’s not one I’m proud of, but I feel now that I must be honest
with you.”

“Tell me, Jarik. I will
not judge you.” I looked up at him as we walked, but his face
remained forward, as though he feared to look at my eyes.

“When I found you in
Mikilrun, before I went to tell Kurit that you were there,
I …” He sighed guiltily, so I moved my hand on his arm gently
to reassure him. “I had almost given up my search for you. It had
been several months, and too many times I had thought that I had
caught a glimpse of you, but it would always be some other woman. I
was finishing my circle full of sorrow and feelings of failure.

“Then I approached an
inn and saw a woman sweeping the step. She had very long red hair,
and of course my heart leapt. Then I told myself it could not be
you, for it had not been you all of those other times. Still, the
fact that this red-haired woman was so far south was enough to
prompt me to look more closely.

“I still had my
winter’s cloak in my packs. I put it on and pulled the hood over my
face and went inside to watch her. I sat at the opposite end of the
pub where another barmaid served me ale that I barely sipped and
did so only enough to avoid suspicion. The red-haired barmaid came
out of the kitchen, and I knew it was you. I was filled with such
joy that it was difficult not to leap up from my table.

“I watched you for
nearly an hour, Aenna. I just stared at you, loving you. I found
myself wondering if you had met another man and fallen in love in
the time that you had been gone. But you did not look like a happy
woman in love. You worked diligently, with the effort and
concentration of one who wishes to keep other thoughts away. You
looked sad, at times. You looked alone, though you were surrounded
by people.

“Aenna, my confession
is that I didn’t want to tell Kurit you were there. As you worked,
I watched you and envisioned myself rising from my table, pulling
back my hood, approaching you and taking you into my arms. I wanted
to tell you then and there that I loved you. I wanted to beg you to
marry me, and I would have carried you off myself. I would have
taken you far away and made a life for us. I don’t know how …
perhaps I would have hired myself out as a guard to some small lord
who would not recognize me. I didn’t have a sound plan in mind. I
just wanted to be with you.”

“Then why didn’t you?”
I asked, though I suspected the answer.