SOULLESS (Black Thorns, #2) (22 page)

But I can’t wait on this with Rox, or I’m gonna lose her, cuz right now she thinks I’m a man I ain’t.

I close the book and scrub my hand over my face.

I’m ‘bout to get up and go to her room—yeah, she didn’t wanna stay with me in mine—when someone knocks on my door.

“Yeah?” I call out.

It opens a second later and Rox slowly steps inside, looking awkward and uncomfortable.

“Hey,” she says, not looking me in the eye.

“Babe.”

She shifts her weight and then rambles, “Have you…uh…heard from my dad? He’s not texting me back and he’s usually—”

“He’s reaching out to his contacts, tryin’ to get a lead on Kent’s location. A bunch of ‘em live off the grid. That’s all. Probably just ain’t got no cell reception where he’s at. Everything’s fine,” I lie.

That’s the lie I told her when she’d asked where her dad was on our ride back up here to the clubhouse earlier. Luckily for me, she bought it.

“Yeah?” she asks, nervously. “You’re sure?”

“Yeah.”

She nods. “Okay. Thanks.”

I watch her hesitate for a second, like she wants to say something. But she don’t. She turns to go.

Fuck. “Wait!”

I gotta do this. Now.

She stops, her back to me. “Neil, I think we’ve already said—”

“I got something to show you.”

She turns back to me, cocking an eyebrow.

“Not that,” I tell her, knowing she just took that to a dirty place. That’s my girl.

“What? No, I didn’t—”

“Yeah, you did. Thought I meant my dick.” Just the thought of her thinking that is enough to wake it up, too. But I gotta focus here. I push it outta my mind and pat the space beside me on the bed. “Come here and sit with me.” I hold up the journal. “This is want I wanna show you.”

“A diary?” she asks, surprised. She makes her way over to me. “
You
write in a diary?”

“Hell, no. Ain’t a teenage girl, babe. Jesus. Just get your ass on this bed and I’ll show you.”

She nods and comes over to me. She sits her sweet ass on the bed beside me. “Okay. I’m here. Show me,” she says, all nervous, like I’m playing a trick on her, or something. Or, maybe, cuz she don’t trust herself with me.

I hand her the journal.

She takes it hesitantly, not sure what to make of it.

“No one knows ‘bout this,” I tell her.

“About what? What exactly is it?”

“Open it. Best if you see for yourself.”

I brace myself, cuz I ain’t sure how she’s gonna take it, seeing it all laid out on paper like that. But she needs to know. I gotta make her understand.

She’s gotta know the truth. The way things are right now, we’re at a crossroads. If I don’t show her everything I am, she’s gonna walk. If we’re gonna be together, she’s gotta know everything. It’s the only way, especially with a woman like her who don’t take no shit. Nothing less is gonna satisfy her.

“All these names,” she murmurs, flipping through the pages. “And dates?” She keeps looking and reading. “Wow, there are…what…hundreds here?”

My stomach clenches at her pointing that out—that it’s such a big fucking number. “Two hundred and fifty-two,” I tell her.

Her gaze snaps to mine.

“This last one:
Kent’s thugs
? These are the guys you killed at the house?”

I nod. “Dunno their names—yet. I’ll find out.”

“Why?” she asks, looking back at the journal. And then I see it in her eyes. She realizes. “Oh my God. These are…these are all the people you’ve killed?”

“Yeah, babe. Most of ‘em are Devil’s Mavericks—when me and the boys took ‘em all out that day. Weren’t all by my hand, but counts as mine and on me, cuz I ordered it, yeah? Then there’s the ones I
did
kill by my own hand. Broker. Skinner.”

“I—”

She stops suddenly and I look over her shoulder to see why. Oh shit.

She brings her hand to her face as tears spring to her eyes. “
Our baby
,” she says, reading the name just below Skinner’s. “That wasn’t your fault.”

“Was, babe.”

“No!” she cries. “It shouldn’t be in here!” She closes the book and throws it at me, before shooting off the bed, to her feet. “Take it off! Cross it out!”

I’m off the bed in the next second, wrapping her up in my arms tightly. “It’s okay, beautiful girl. Just let it out now. You need to.”

Finally, she actually does.

She breaks down in my arms.

Fuck. At last. She’s letting herself grieve. She’s been holding it in too damn long.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she says, once her sobs have faded. “I don’t want you thinking that.”

“Was my job to protect you both.”

She pulls outta my hold and looks up at me, shaking her head. “It was
Skinner
, Neil. Skinner and Trigger. Okay?”

I nod slowly. “I’ll try to start seeing it that way.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah. Just…gonna take time, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that.”

She wipes away her tears with her knuckles and draws in a breath, getting herself together. “You write down the names of your kills? I don’t understand. Why do you do that and why show me?”

I thought she’d get it right off the bat. But, I guess, I can’t really expect that.
She
ain’t a killer like me—and I’m glad ‘bout that—so how’d she get it?

“Guilt,” I tell her.

“What?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I feel it, Rox. Okay? When I kill, I feel it.”

“But the way you were talking earlier—”

“I lied. I couldn’t…get it out.” I start pacing then, not able to actually look at her as I try to explain this to her. “I don’t think I’m God, like Dealer does. Don’t think it’s my right to end someone’s life. Makes me sick to my stomach doing it, Rox.
But
, in my world, sometimes I ain’t got that choice. It’s one reason I wanted to leave the club, so I wouldn’t have to do stuff like this no more. With the club legit now, this kinda thing shoulda ended. But then I had that hit list, right?
That
was supposed to be the end of it.
I just wanted to walk, Rox. With
you
. And taking out all those fuckers was the only way to make that happen, cuz I couldn’t be with you knowing I was putting you in danger. And…now…fuck! I screwed up, babe. In that alley that day. Shoulda kept it all business. I shoulda sent Dealer on his own. Cuz now we’re already together, you’re pregnant and we’re in the thick of danger. You just had a hit on you.”

“I understand you wanting to protect me, Neil. And I also understand doing whatever it takes. That’s what I did to wipe everyone off your list. I destroyed my business in Brockford—everything I’d built—so we could be together. And it worked. All the leverage—the secrets and intel—had all those assholes on your list wiping each other out, turning on each other.
Without
you having to put a bullet in their heads. They’re gone now.”

“Except Kent.”

She comes to me and takes my hands, gripping ‘em tightly. “He’ll be the last.”

“What?”

“He’ll be the last name you ever add to your list.”

“You’re agreeing with me here?”

“I tried to stop him with that threat, but it failed. I agree with
this
one. Killing him is the only way to stop him. He’s made that clear. It will cripple his entire organization, because he heads everything. He doesn’t even have a second-in-command, because he’s too controlling and egotistical. So, taking him out will destroy the entire thing.”

I gesture to the journal. “That’s me, Rox. That’s what I’ve done. The kinda man I am.”

She shakes her head and smiles up at me, “No. You’re not my dad, Neil. Seeing this now, I know I was wrong about that. You
care
.”

“I do, babe. But, the thing is, I ain’t never gonna stop protecting you. You gotta understand that ‘bout me, cuz that ain’t gonna change. It’s how I’m always gonna be with you, with the boys, too. With our kid. Something threatens us and you better believe I’m gonna do everything in my power to stop it.” I pull away and cross to one of the bedside tables. “Thing you don’t seem to get, probably cuz you been on your own for so long before you met me, is that anyone’s gonna do that for the people they love. For family, babe.”

I open the top drawer and feel ‘round for the latch. I find it and access the false bottom as I tell her over my shoulder, “So, us being together’s always gonna be like that. I ain’t never gonna stop protecting you.” I pull out the thing I been keeping in there for the last few months. And then I turn back to her and hold it out to her on my palm. “Question is: can you accept that?”

She gasps as her eyes dart to my hand. “Oh my God! Is that—?”

“Yeah.”

“When did you—how did you—?”

“Bought it the day I started writing that hit list. The day I realized staying away from you weren’t an option. Need you, babe. My life don’t mean shit without
you
.”

I open the little black box and her eyes widen as she sees the diamond ring inside.

“Neil, I—”

“I want you, Rox. All of you. Forever. But I ain’t gonna change no more than I already have from having you in my life. Those issues we just talked ‘bout ain’t changeable. So, you gotta know that going into this. You accept this, then you gotta accept that. I’ll
always
protect what’s mine.”

She walks towards me in a daze, her eyes darting from me to the ring.

“I want you to be my wife, beautiful girl.”

When she don’t say nothing, my nerves get the best of me and I start rambling like a damn fool, “I’ll find us another home, cuz now mine’s all tainted and shit from that invasion. And you want me to leave the club like I promised last time, I—”

“I don’t want that.”

“What?”

She smiles then. “I told you; the club feels different now. Like a family. And that’s just what we need.” She rubs her belly and grins. “What our
baby
needs.”

“Really?”

She rolls her eyes. “I know you don’t want to leave the club anymore. You’ve seen it for what it really is now that you’re running things. You like it here now.
But
if I ever come here and see a bunch of club whores—”

“You ain’t gonna,” I cut in quickly.

She raises her eyebrows.

“Promise, babe.” I wink at her. “I’ll keep you away when that shit’s going down.”

Her eyes narrow at me.

I get it right away. “And I’ll keep away, too. No pussy parties.”

She laughs. “Okay.”

She reaches out and touches the ring. “Well?” she says, eyeing me.

“What?” I ask, not getting it.

“Aren’t you supposed to…you know…put it on me?”

I can’t believe it. Is she…is she saying…yes?

“You’re saying—”

“Yes!” she cries. “I want to marry you.”

Jesus Christ. I ain’t never felt this kind of joy in my life. Pure joy. Ecstasy, even. It’s taking me over and, as I pull the ring from the box, my hands are shaking like crazy with it. I dunno how I manage it, but I slide it on her ring finger.

She smiles down at it and then back at me, grinning like a little kid. So fucking cute.

In the next second, I’m grabbing her and driving her down on the bed with me. I straddle her quickly and smile down at her. “I love you, Rox.”

“I love
you
, Neil.”

“Soon-to-be Mrs. Barron.”

“You think I’m gonna take your name?”

And there’s that ball-busting attitude of hers. “Really? You’re gonna do that to me? Fight me on this?”

She laughs. “I’m screwing around. Roxana Barron sounds good to me.”

Little minx was messing with me.

“Screwing ‘round, huh? It’s like you’re
asking
me to punish you.”

Her eyes burn into mine, the heated desire there almost enough to choke me. “Yes,” she breathes.

I start unbuckling the belt of her sexy leather pants. “You want it slow? Or you want it dirty?”

She bites her lip coyly. My dick jerks at the sight. “Just because we’re getting married, don’t go all
vanilla
on me, Neil.”

That’s a challenge if I’ve ever fucking heard one. Hot damn.

I tug her pants off and push off her. “On your knees.”

She giggles excitedly and scrambles to do as I’ve ordered. God, the sight of her in those white lace panties has my dick standing to attention instantly.

“These are so fucking hot, babe.” I slap her ass and she gasps. “Ass in the air.”

She does it instantly and I rub my hands over her cheeks softly.