Speed of Light (19 page)

Gus blanched. “You’ll die in your home, Faye.”

“No, I won’t. You’re burdened by me.”

“I’m devoted to you. There is no burden,” he fought.

“I disagree. This is killing you as much as it is me.”

“May I?” Delia gently inserted between the two.

Faye and Gus both nodded acceptance.

“It’s not about love or devotion. Faye’s body is deteriorating rapidly, and I’d like to ask her a question. I’d like you all to listen to her answer. Faye, are we able to fully control your pain and discomfort?”

“No. As much as Gus keeps track of the pills and shots, it’s no longer enough. And when I can’t sleep, he doesn’t either.”

“And the tightness in your chest. Is that bothering you?” Delia took notes, but I saw she already knew the answers.

“Yes, it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. The cough is adding to my pain.”

“The cancer is in your bones, your ribs, so when you cough, those bones react. You might cough and break your ribs.”

“But you said she could stay in her home with hospice help.” Gus stood and marched around the room, picking up music-related knickknacks and putting them down without seeing them.

“Help, yes, for you, but we’ve reached the place where we need to have her on an IV, soon a catheter. We need to monitor her constantly to keep her comfortable. The best way to do that is to admit her to the inpatient facility.”

“There’s a bed available, Gus,” Faye said quietly.

He bowed in front of her and clasped her hands. “I’ll try harder. You just have to tell me what to do.”

“I am.” Faye smoothed his hair. “You need to be with me, spend time with me, talk to me. Let them worry about my body while you worry about my heart and take care of it. Okay?” Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

Gus’s grief overflowed and he hung his head.

“I’ve already talked to Dolores and she doesn’t understand,” Faye said. “I need you to understand. I was going to tell you yesterday, but I didn’t want to ruin the track today. The freedom … That’s what I realized in that car. This body of mine has gotten creaky and stiff—it doesn’t react the way it used to—but inside I’m still the same girl I was when I chased after boys and swam in the lake for hours.” To us, she said, “You forget, because it’s so slow
and gradual, how much these bodies can fail. Until a moment like today, when the wind was in my face and stealing my laughter from my belly. I will be glad to leave this body behind. Death will be freedom.”

Gus cried silently, wiping tears from his cheeks in angry swipes of tissue.

“Would you like help packing?” I asked, bending low to her.

She shook her head. “Delia took care of that already. I don’t need much.”

I glanced around Faye’s house. She’d been parceling out her belongings since the diagnosis. But there was still an awful lot of stuff here. She needed none of it now. Sheet music and porcelain figurines, mingled with cases of instruments and old vinyl records, competed with stacks of books.

Faye held out her hands to Juliet and me. “But you can do something, Meridian, Juliet. Can you promise me you’ll be with me? You’ll carry me across?”

“Of course. We will. At least one of us will be with you,” I said.

Juliet nodded her head as well.

Faye’s eyes shadowed as she gazed at Gus, at the walls around her, as if seeing them for the last time.
Or the first time
.

“Why don’t we call it a night and let you and Gus have time?” Tony rose. “You’ll call when you’re settled and we’ll come.”

As we walked out, I tugged Juliet aside in the gardens,
mostly overgrown with weeds. “Are you okay?” She’d grown paler and stopped sneaking beignets.

She struggled for words. “It’s just so familiar. Sitting and waiting for someone to die.” Juliet’s voice broke and she flinched on each syllable.

I’m a bitch
.

“I didn’t think about that. I’m sorry.” Of course this was so much more her norm than mine.
How do I fix this?
“I can handle it alone. If that would help? You don’t have to be there. Everyone will understand.”

Juliet shivered and gave nothing away. “It’s fine. She’s been good to me. Why wouldn’t I be there? But it makes me think of”—she paused and swallowed—“all the people I’ve loved and said goodbye to.”

“Did you grow close to the dying at DG?” I asked carefully, hoping she’d share. Only Mini’s intervention near Juliet’s sixteenth birthday kept her from getting tangled in the dying’s energy. It was no wonder Juliet shielded herself from us.
Caring equals hurting in her world
.

“After a while, I tried not to. I tried not to care. To focus on the kids more than the elderly. But I had favorites. They taught me things.” She twisted her cuticles and snagged hangnails as she talked.

“Like what?” I liked this side of Juliet. Having a conversation with her. Talking about DG was something she rarely allowed.
Please keep talking. Please let me in!

“Well …” She paused and shook off the moment. My chance gone, she merely shrugged and said, “Silly things.”

“Oh, but—” I saw Tony walking toward us.
So close!

“Juliet, we need to go!” Tony called, oblivious that he’d offered her escape yet again. I wondered what would happen when Juliet could no longer run.
Will she crack? Will she become a force for herself? Will I be here to see that day?

I watched her rush away and leaned against the shed behind Faye’s gardens. At once, I was at the window beside a tall man with scars crisscrossing his arms and chest like railroad tracks.

Rags hung from his body, and the whites of his eyes were big in a face full of angles and bones. He gazed beyond. I saw a giraffe wander by, and the savannah flowed endlessly beyond the horizon. Somewhere a lion roared welcome.

He said something I didn’t understand; I pointed through the window. “Home—go on.”

I wondered if he was one of the escaped slaves who had gone through here on the Underground Railroad.
He’s been waiting for home, here in this garden, for a century and a half
.

I began to turn away when a voice called, “Meridian!”

“Howie?” Dressed in clean clothes that were the vibrant twins of his earlier outfit, he looked at me with eyes that were clear hazel and a face that was whole. I hadn’t seen him at the window since we’d buried him and prayed over him.

“You can see!” I yelled.

His handsome face was unblemished and younger.

“I’m free! Thank you. I’m heading home now. For real.” He leapt upon the back of an elephant and waved as they walked out of my sight.

“Meridian? Merry? Supergirl?” Tens bracketed my face and peered into my eyes. “Where’d you go?”

“Africa?” I smiled.

F
ara paced the outlines of the room. “You have to give it back to Rumi.”

“I know. How?” I shook my head. “And tell Ms. Asura what? She’ll come after all of them.”
And never tell me about my parents
.

“You cannot protect us all. You have to stop trying. You are not alone in this world.”

I knew Fara had more to say. I braced for it when a car honked below. “That’s Nelli,” I said.

Fara closed her mouth, then simply picked up her
hobo bag, slung it over her shoulder, and waited at the door for me. As I brushed past her, I smelled cumin, oregano, and candied lemon peels.

The statues all over Carmel’s Art and Design District were creepy on the best day. A policeman directed imaginary traffic. A dad helped a kid ride a bike. A street musician played silent sonatas with a very open, very fake violin case at his feet.
They watch me. Judging
. The same way Mistress could see and hear everything at DG. I was afraid to look at the statues directly in case they, too, could read my thoughts and report back.

It was silly.
Childish. Irrational
. As many times as I told myself they were fake, I couldn’t shake the feeling.
They are art. Doesn’t matter
.

“Change of plans,” Nelli greeted us. “Bales found another set of remains in a completely different area of town. Do you want to go with me, stay here, or sort papers without me? Meridian and Tens are meeting me there.”

Stay here
. I glanced at Fara, who gave me no clues as to what she wanted. “Your choice.” She shrugged.

“We’ll go with you,” I said.

Nelli nodded. “Do you feel okay? You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine.”
No, I can’t sleep and food appeals only intermittently. Someone is watching me all the time. I keep dreaming of Kirian calling for me. I don’t know if I’m going crazy or if he’s really trying to reach out
. “Fine,” I repeated, trying to force strength into my voice.

Nelli stayed silent as if she didn’t believe me and judged my lies.

“These bones belong to one of your missing?” Fara asked, touching my arm daintily as if to reassure me.

I inhaled.

“We don’t know. I think so. The file’s description matches a name Howie mentioned to Meridian. Hopefully one of you can pick up on something if the little girl’s soul is still around,” Nelli said.

“It’s a girl?” I asked.

“We don’t know yet. I just hate using impersonal pronouns to describe the unknown dead. Feels icky to me.” Nelli shuddered.

She’s too sensitive for this. She’s going to get hurt
.

“Where did Bales find her, then?” Fara asked.

“They were cleaning up a demolished building downtown and digging a foundation for a new one. Found the remains, but I didn’t get information about it before she was moved to the labs. The coroner called me because the clothing scraps match a description of a missing child. She was taken from a foster family and disappeared. Her name was Aileen.”

“So where are we going?” I tried to focus on the information and not the memories that bombarded me.

“To the Indiana University Pathology Laboratory.”

“Will they let us in?” Fara asked.

“Probably not, so we’ll have to play it by ear. The medical examiner is a friend, though, and knows how important this case is to me. I’m more worried about residents and fellows hanging around, asking questions. I sent Sergio ahead to check it out and come up with a cover story.”

Tens, Meridian, and Sergio met us in the parking lot wearing scrubs the color of blue raspberry candy and lab coats smelling of sauerkraut. They had matching sets for Fara and me.
Goody
.

Meridian snapped gum and wore crazy neon sneakers. With her hair in pigtails and glitter on her eyelids, she was perfectly cast for the part of high school student. They even had spiral notebooks and pens to take notes. “Thanks so much for arranging a tour for us today. We’re Carmel High School Greyhounds, eager to learn all about pathology.”

“Have I mentioned lately how brilliant you are?” Nelli asked, laughing, as Fara and I ducked into Meridian’s van and slipped on the clothing. The van smelled of old coffee and cheap hot dogs.

I watched Fara finger her knives, one clasped along the outside of each thigh. “You can’t take weapons in,” I whispered. “We’ll get in trouble.”
I hope. What do I know?

She nodded and tucked them under the carpet.

“If you can’t handle this, you don’t have to go in,” Meridian said to me as we rejoined them.

Stop coddling me
. “No, I want to go.”

“Okay, sit down if you feel ill. I’ll try to handle as many dead as I can.”

Sometimes her superiority is too much
. We were surrounded by medical facilities and hospitals.
Plenty of dying going on
.

Her mouth snapped shut as Sergio brushed against me. “I’ll be right here if I can do anything, okay?” Sergio
patted my arm awkwardly like he wanted to hug me or hold my hand but didn’t know how to start. “I know stuff like this can be scary.”

I stepped away from him, nodding. “Thanks.”

I tried to appear confident and excited, like a high school student should be on this kind of tour. I followed Meridian and Fara’s lead, chatting loudly about the latest hot guy on the silver screen.
I have no idea who they’re talking about. But I know how to lie convincingly
.

Sergio never left my side, ready to steady me when we bumped into each other. His touch felt too familiar, too easy on my skin. Like leftover cold and crusty spaghetti sauce from a jar.
But he knows what it’s like to not have a family. Talk to him
.

“No, I have to take it with me,” Sergio explained to the guard, insisting he needed his computer.

“You have to,” the guard persisted.

He’s very attached to technology
.

“But it’s too valuable. I can’t—”

“Sergio, leave it. It’ll be fine,” Nelli assured him. She got us through security and signed us in. No one questioned us after she waved her hand and declared us the Future Doctors of America Club.

There can’t possibly be such a club, can there? I know so little about real life
. The thought broke waves of sadness over me.

“Here we are.” Nelli knocked and opened a door to the pathology department. “Frank, so nice to see you!”

Smelling like peppermint and rotting meat, Dr. Frank
introduced himself easily as if kids toured his office all the time.

“These are my friends. They’re doing an internship with me, investigating those cold cases.” Nelli named us all.

“You have strong stomachs? Any fainters among you?” he asked with a strange twinkle in his eye, as if he knew better than to take our word for anything.

We smiled and shrugged.

“Let’s go through here and I’ll fill you in on what we know so far.”

I followed with Nelli beside me, as we were closest. It didn’t occur to me that I might regret going first.

As he pulled open a drawer, light poured forth.
Uh-oh
. Immediately, I sat at the kitchen table. My window belonged to the photograph of a pricelessly appointed kitchen and dining area. In March, Meridian asked me to pick a location with a window to visualize. I’d seen this once in a magazine Kirian stole for me.
For me, the closest a soul can get to heaven is through the kitchen
.