Speed of Light (20 page)

A tiny girl, very young, was balanced at the counter, watching out the window. Her hair was the color of brown sugar. Her dress, once yellow but now threadbare, seemed more mashed potato than banana. She pressed her hands against her head as if trying to block out horrible sounds. I followed her gaze toward the window and wondered what I was doing wrong.
There is nothing beyond. A void. Empty. What’s going on?
Panic flared my pulse.

“Hello?” I said, but she didn’t turn toward me. I stepped closer, into her line of sight.

Her ears were melted with her hands covering them, stuck and joined like pieces in a macabre creation. Her eyes widened farther when she saw me. She began to shout, sounding as if she were underwater, but as hard as I tried, the sounds she made didn’t correspond to words or phrases.

She couldn’t pull her hands from her ears.
She can’t hear
.

“My name is Juliet. What happened?” When I spoke, she didn’t seem to hear me and became all the more frantic. Hopelessness engulfed me.
How do I help you? I can’t even do this right
.

Tears rolled out of the girl’s eyes and her expression radiated deep pain.
Is this how my mother feels? Does she scream silently too?

“Juliet, go back.” Meridian startled me. “I’ll get her through the window.”

Meridian had appeared at the window with me only once, the night of my birthday.

The scene changed from my kitchen to a white room with billowing curtains. But the window still didn’t reveal a scene beyond. “Why is that—”

“Go back. We’ll talk later,” she demanded.

I looked up, blinking, lying on my back, with a bright white light peering into my face.

“You said you weren’t a fainter.” Dr. Frank bathed my forehead in rubbing alcohol, which made my eyes water.

Sergio held my hand and made funny little circles with his thumb like he was tapping out Morse code.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized.
I’ve made a scene
.

Sergio and Fara assisted me to my feet. I leaned heavily on Fara.

“No problem. If it happens again, you may want to explore other careers.” Dr. Frank tried to make a joke that fell flat.

He has no idea
.

I glanced at Meridian, who looked as though she’d never left her body. Cuddled against Tens like a couple who couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

Nelli bustled back in. “I’m sorry. That was my boss. He wanted to be told immediately if these remains belonged to Aileen. Are you okay, Juliet? You worried us.”

“How long was I out?”

“Missed the whole thing.” Dr. Frank seemed to find me humorous. To Nelli he said, “Looks that way. We’ll know more when the tests come back,” he added with a nod.

“When you’re finished, I’ll take possession of her remains,” said Nelli.

“Can’t she be buried with this semester’s cadavers at the med school?” Sergio asked. “Isn’t that policy?” The interest in his question seemed overdone.

“No, a proper burial is the least I can do.” Nelli shot him down and shook Dr. Frank’s hand. “Thank you for calling me.”

Meridian moved like corn syrup in March. I felt like I
had lost a battle with a bulldozer.
Someday this gets easier. Yeah, right
.

Tens guarded the ladies’ locker room while Meridian, Fara, and Nelli pushed me down onto a bench until they declared me the right shade of living.

“Are you okay?” Nelli asked. “If I’d known you would have such a hard time, I never would have let you come with us.” Agitated, she blew her nose.

“It was weird, Nelli. She’s possibly Fenestra too. She has similar wounds to Howie’s and Roshana’s. Juliet wouldn’t know.” Meridian turned to me. “Did the bones glow for you? Did you see that?”

I nodded. “Was there really nothing at her window?”
Is that how my mother’s is? Can she only see the cornucopia of living colors when she appears at others’ windows?

“Yes, but I was able to get her across. I think that once her bones are laid to rest, it’ll fill in. That’s what ultimately made the difference for Howie. I think.” She frowned. “I’m not sure yet. I need to talk to Rumi about his prayer. He’s always saying words have power. Maybe he’s right.”

Whispering, I asked, “What about my mother? Will she never be able to go beyond without her—” I couldn’t make the word
bones
come out of my throat.

Meridian shook her head and said softly, “I don’t know. I think maybe that’s why Auntie can still find me at the window. She’s not been given a specific grave yet either.”

Oh, Mommy, I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to find you. Anything
.

After an hour of sorting papers in Nelli’s apartment, the names blurred. Fara watched me, her eyes jabbing into me like a meat thermometer. She opened her mouth, but each time I moved away before she spoke.
I know what you’re going to say
.

“Why don’t we give her a fake?”

“Who? What?” I shook my head.
Not what I thought you were going to say
.

“This book you have to give to the Nocti—we draw our own. Give Rumi his back,” Fara said.

“I don’t know what they’re looking for.”
I can’t trick Ms. Asura. I’m not smart enough for that
. “Rumi can’t know I took it. They’ll never forgive me.”

“Meridian talks to you, yes? And you stole her scarf.”

Shame washed over me in waves of nauseating heat.
I don’t know why I take things. Why I hide them. I can’t stop
.

I focused on the papers. Anything that might shed light on the truth, anything that might give me control. Miss Claudia and Paddy’s files were there. My first almost-grandparents who I loved and who died so quickly. Dozens of patients.
The closest people to grandparents I ever knew
.

And dozens of kid files too. Ones I’d seen come and go. Faces I remembered but whose names faded with time.

Kids I thought turned sixteen and went off to boarding schools, jobs. Like we were told.
Not death. Not service to the Nocti like Kirian. Not this hellish wounded in-between!
Frustration boiled up and spilled over.

Each piece of paper crumpling, rustling, was a thwack, a jibe.
Outsmart the Nocti? Fake a book? What are the potential ramifications? Who will Ms. Asura hurt instead of me?

My head ached.

Kirian’s file was there. He’d never gone anywhere.
Nowhere
. Those postcards were lies. The Eiffel Tower never soared over him. Venice never lapped itself into his heart. All lies.
Did he love me? Really?

I shut the bathroom door behind me and turned the faucet on full. I splashed water on my face but tasted the familiar metallic edge of blood. I’d bit my tongue again to keep from screaming.
To feel something other than anger. Fear. Frustration
.

Memories of Mistress beating me came rushing back.

Useless
.

Stupid
.

I let the towel fall to the floor, pressing my hands against my eyes.
Run! Run! Run!

“I can’t stay.” I fled past Fara and out Nelli’s door, deep into the woods along the estate. I imagined the sound of the creek gurgling in the distance, calling me. The trail merged ahead and I let my legs go.

Fara called, “Juliet! Juliet!”

Run. Run. Don’t stop
.

I left her there, running behind me, ducking between cars and through brush. Step after step. Mile after mile.

Push. Harder
.

I needed my creek. I needed the Wildcat.
I need water
. I ran until my foot’s ache became a full-fledged throb and the bandage rubbed against the wound. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, sticky like spun sugar. Sweat poured off of my face, between my shoulder blades, down my legs.

There it is
.

Not slowing, I waded into the cool creek water until I sat down against a log, only my shoulders and head visible above the rushing stream.

Little minnows darted and picked at my feet. A turtle raised its head out of the water like a periscope and dove back under. A catfish, with the mouth of a grand canyon, swallowed a tub full of water, then thrashed its tail at me. Above me the birds gathered.
Their lives go on, day after day, until they stop. None of these animals has the fear and self-loathing and rage eating them from the inside out
.

Rustling and footsteps should have put me on the defensive, but I didn’t care. I didn’t move.

“I brought you bread.” Fara held out a loaf of Wonder Bread by the top of the plastic sleeve.

When I didn’t move to take it, she swung it closer, letting it splash into the water near me. “For the animals. Yes? Ducks eat it?”

“You followed me all the way here?”
Am I that predictable? She must have driven because she’s not even sweating
.

“Of course. Didn’t you want me to?” Without removing her boots or leather jacket, Fara waded out and sat down as if the middle of a rushing creek was a normal place to have a conversation.
She’s crazy
. “Don’t you Americans feed everything? Make everything into a pet?”

I laughed. “Maybe. Some.” I thought of the bedtime stories I’d told to the younger kids at DG. Two parents. A goldfish and a dog. Hugs and kisses galore.

“You have the kitty cat.” Fara’s hands drifted with the currents.

“Minerva? I don’t think I’d let her hear you call her a cat. She’s a goddess in a cat’s body.”

“I know. I know. She’s of the Creators, but still. A cat. We call that lunch.” Fara winked.

I thought she was teasing but my face must have betrayed horror because she smiled at me. “Kidding you.”

I tasted tomato soup and grilled cheese, cold cereal crushed into ice cream.
I need to cook off those last souls
. The little girl, Aileen. Simmering anger flared hot again.
Ms. Asura did this. Who will make her pay? For all the children? My mother? All the elderly? The pain? The lies?

Fara reached out. “You are upset?”

I didn’t answer.
Why isn’t everyone screaming with me?

“Ah, dumb question?” Fara tried again.

“No, not dumb. Yes, I am upset.”

“Tell me why? Please?” She waited.

“Because I can’t
do
anything to stop her. To keep from hurting everybody, I need to find this mysterious document Ms. Asura demands, and I need to do something
more than look at notes and papers collected over decades. I suck at reading. I HATE IT!” I shouted, startling ducks, which flew up and away.

Fara didn’t react. “What would you do?”

“About?” I splashed the water.

“Instead of this reading, what is this something you would do?”

“Find the Nocti and make them tell us what is going on.” I let passion flavor my voice jalapeño hot.

“And then what?”

“Then kill them. Dead.” I pointed an invisible gun and pretended to pull the trigger.

She shrugged. “And that makes you like them. Living in a haze of hate and retribution.”

“They deserve it!” I couldn’t believe she was defending them.
How can anyone forgive them?
“Just go away,” I pleaded. If she wasn’t on my side, she could leave.

“You want me to go, leave you here?” she asked.

I glanced up. I could tell her the truth, or lie to her. “Yes.”

“Okay. I leave if you promise to come back home soon?” She started to rise out of the water. Her heavy layers of fabric soaked up creek water and released it in a
whoosh
.

Thank you. Go
. “I promise.” I nodded.

“No.” She sat back down, sending water splashing into my eyes.

“What?” Shocked, I coughed up water I inhaled.

“I do not leave you. We will be friends.” She crossed her arms.

“If you want to be my friend, you’ll leave me alone.”

“No.”

“Then I’ll leave.” I rose.

“I’ll go too.”

I sat back down.
Are we three years old?
“Why?”

“Because you are not alone,” she declared.

“I’m not?”
Really?

“You never have been.”

“That’s bullshit.” I slapped the words.

“Maybe. Maybe you cannot see it now. Your eyes might not always see, but you have never been completely by yourself. And now your eyes can see me, see Meridian, see Tens, see Tony, see the world of your window that is bigger than this one can ever be. Until you feel this, I will follow you. Into your anger, your hate. Into your light. Wherever you go, I will go, and I will not leave you alone.”

The fight gone. I laid my head on my knees. “You sound like Nicole.”

“Tell me of her?” Fara asked.

“She was an angel. I didn’t know that; I hurt her feelings when I insisted angels don’t roam Earth.”

“She told you to believe? To have faith?”

I nodded, lifting my head.

“My baba, he used to say that all the good in the world is nothing when faced with self-doubt.” She smiled at me, flashing a dimple.

My teeth began to chatter, which made us laugh.

From the woods across the bank, a voice called out,
one I instantly recognized. “Can’t stay away, can you, Juliet? We’re in your blood.” Ms. Asura’s voice carried over the lazy water and kicked at my already frazzled reserves.