Spoiled Secrets (4 page)

              “I wish!  For real, what’s been going on?”

              “Wellllllll,” Keisha, dragged out that one word, that one word that held so much promise.  “We have a new student that enrolled right after your suspension.” She let that sentence sit there to hang and marinate for a few seconds.  The look on her face spoke volumes; she wanted me to pry the rest of the story out of her. 

              “And?”  I said exacerbated because she didn’t give any more information than that.

              “And, he’s mine!”  Emily piped up.

              “Girl, you are delusional!”  Keisha said this with a smile.  “Amber you should have seen it.  Miss. Beautiful bodacious Emily, comes swaying her sweet ass up to Chase.  Oh, I forgot to tell you, his name is Chase…Chase Mitchell.  So anyway, here comes Emily with her hoochie choochie come get me walk and stands by Chase’s locker to introduce herself.”

              “Shut up Keisha!  I’ll tell the fucking story myself, thank you very much.  Anyway, I introduced myself to him that’s all.  Period!  End of story!”  Keisha’s laugh was so unexpected I jumped because of the suddenness of the outburst. 

              “Girl, he looked at you and said hi as if you were an annoying mosquito and walked away. He hasn’t said shit to you since.”  Keisha extended her left arm and smacked it with her right hand as if she were swatting a fly. “Poof, you’re gone!”  Keisha said, continuing to laugh at Emily.

              “You know what Emily?  Every guy doesn’t want you.  Obviously, this Chase fella is one of them.”  I was trying to give my girl a little sisterly advice.

              “Ain’t that the truth!”  Keisha said adding her two cents.

              “Fuck all the advice from the peanut gallery.  I really don’t care to listen to any of this crap right now.  I’ve been thinking about this for a while.  I mean, how can any guy turn this down?”  She had the nerve to spin around for us. She begins to run her hands over her assets, her ass being the main asset she’s focusing on at this particular moment.

              “I’ve come to the conclusion that he must be gay.  Which means, Amber, I’ll graciously hand him over to you.” 

              My mouth gape open at that.  Number one, how can you give something away that’s not yours for the giving?  Number two, because this man is not interested in her
ASSETS
she automatically comes to the realization that, he is gay!  Number three, do I fucking have a gay magnet tattooed on my forehead?!

              “What the hell do you mean that you’re
giving him
to me because he’s gay?”

              “Amber, don’t take it the wrong way, but you’re like the spokesperson for, ‘
If you’re gay or bisexual and you need a listening ear call me at, 1-800-choose slits or dicks!’”

              “You know, that’s not fair!  I really don’t think helping one person by being a listening ear, hardly makes me a gay shrink!”

              “That so called,
one person,
was partially the cause of your three week suspension! And, before you start yelling about secrets, I haven’t mentioned a single word to anyone about Jason coming out of the closet to you.  I would like to give props when props are due.   That advice about not double dipping…girl, boy…boy, girl was great Dr. Wallace!”

              “You know what; I don’t have time for this shit today, Emily.  Make sure you keep your mouth shut about Jason.  I told him that I wouldn’t go running off at the mouth and I’ve kept that promise! Besides you and Keisha, no one else knows.”  I gave Emily a pointed look.

              “That queen should have known that you were going to tell me and Keisha!”  I closed my eyes and kept repeating,
breathe in and breathe out
. 

              “Emily, that
queen
is my friend.  Granted, he might not be a
best friend,
but he is my friend.  That
queen
as
you
refer to him, did know that I would probably tell you and Keisha his secret
and he gave me permission to tell you
.  He knew that you two would rather gouge out your left eye before betraying my trust.  That’s what he counted on and I counted on the same thing.”

              “Well, if it’s a choice between my gorgeous, left- fucking- eye and telling the whole fucking world that he prefers Adam rather than Eve, Let me be the first one to say, I’m keeping my goddamned eye!  Keisha on the other hand, can go around looking like a crazed bat, on summer’s eve’s crack, if she wants too with no goddamned left eye.  The choice is hers!  But, when it comes to my perfection and his sexual lie…I’m just saying, his secret is
not
safe with me!”

              “What?  Emily, shut the hell up!  GOD, you are so vain!”

              “Children…children stop all the bickering.  Can’t we all just get along!  Come on, the warning bell has already rung.  We better get to our classes.”  Keisha, always being the peace maker and the voice of reason, we fall in line and head to class. 

Dear GOD,

              I apologize for not writing you sooner than this, but my life has been hell for the past month.  The word around town is that you’re all seeing, so, you should already know that.  People say, when you die you either go to heaven or hell.  I think they’re wrong.  I believe that I’m living in hell now; there can’t possibly be any other place worse than this.

              I’m starting to believe that there is no heaven.  Is there even a GOD? Are you real? If you are real, I have a serious bone to pick with you.  From what I’ve read and what I have heard you’re supposed to be a loving, caring, and protective GOD. 

              Protecting – let me cross that word off the list because where were you GOD?  Where were you GOD when my father was having his way with me this past month?  I prayed! I actually prayed that you would reach down from your mighty perch in heaven and strike him down as he stood over my bed, contemplating his next fantasy.

              Caring – I’ll cross that word off the list as well.  If you cared so much for me, you would find a way to deliver me from this personal hellhole.

              Loving – Another word crossed off the list.  Gosh, you’re leaving me with nothing to work with here.  How could you give that sick fuck the ability to procreate?  If you loved me, you would not have granted me life as his daughter. 

              You know what, I BLAME YOU!!  I blame you for everything that’s going on with me.  How could you stand by and let this go on?  My moms’ favorite slogan, which I might add I’m tired of hearing, ‘GOD will never give you anything that you can’t handle.’

              I can’t handle this shit!  How much more do I have to endure before you step in and lift this heavy burden that I can no longer carry?  I’m sinking here!  I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, I’ve shouted, I’ve sank to my knees plenty of nights asking…praying, that you help me make it through this mess.  And, still I receive no answer from you.  NOTHING!

              What do you want from me?  What have I done to displease you, to deserve this?  Do you enjoy my pain?  Do you enjoy my misery?  Do you enjoy my helplessness?  I have to ask, do you even love me? 

You know what, FUCK YOU GOD, FUCK YOU!!

Chapter 5

              “What you writing?”

              I look up through a veil of tears to see the prettiest chocolate drop of a girl, standing in front of me.  Her skin was the color of the richest dark chocolate.  Her eyes are big, brown, and round.  Her hair was done up in four pigtails.  She looked like she was no more than four or five years old. 

              “A letter to GOD.” 

              “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to mess with you.  You can finish writing your letter.  GOD loves everybody, did you know that?  That’s what my mommy told me, she also told me that he is my friend and I can talk to him normally.  So, I don’t write letters, but I do talk to him sometimes.  Just the other day I said, ‘Hey big guy in the blue sky, how about giving me a puppy.’  He hasn’t answered me yet, but he will.”  She looks at me with a twinkle in her eyes.  “My momma and big brother say that I always mess with people’s private time.  Is this your private time?”

              She takes in a quick breath and continues to look at me.  I mean, she really looked at me. I got the impression that she was seeing a part of me that I was afraid to look too closely at.  It’s the oddest feeling, I feel as if she truly sees me.

              “What you crying for?  Did somebody hurt you?  I can tell my big brother, he can get whoever hurt you, he’ll make them pay?”  I wiped my face with the back of my hand, realizing for the first time that my emotions have escaped their prison unbeknownst to me.

              “I wish!”  I mumble to myself.

              “You wish what?  What’s your name?  Did you come to see Kinjy too, he’s my favorite?  My big brother brings me here every Friday after school.”  She took in another quick breath.  She’s taking in breaths as if it’s her personal ammunition.  And…here she goes again!  I had to smile, how could you not love this talkative little girl.

              “You know, my big brother loves me a lot.  He like, LOOOVES me a lot!  He says all the time;
Peanut, you’ve got my heart
. Hey, you never told me your name.  My name is Peanut.  I’m about to be five.  My mom says I act older than my age.”  I couldn’t hold in the laughter.

              This child never shuts up, it makes me wonder how her home life is.  I have to admit it’s sort of cute.  I bet there’s never a dull moment in her household. 

              “My name is Amber.  Did I hear you right, did you say your name is, Peanut?”

              This child is adorable and then she smiled.  I can see what her big brothers talking about because she has just stolen my heart.  Her smile was like sunshine on the cloudiest day.

              “Yeah, I mean yes.  My name is, Peanut.  Well, that’s what my family calls me.  My brother says not to say yeah, always say yes…it’s proper.”  I can tell she’s readying herself for another round of questions.  I better hop in and ask a few questions of my own before….

              “Amber, that’s a pretty name.  How old are you?  My big brother is eighteen years old.  People always ask my momma if she is crazy because she had a little baby and my big brother is so old.  But, I’m not a baby.  Momma says that I’m her miracle.”

              “Peanut…where is your big brother or your mom?  Do they let you talk to strangers and run around this big zoo by yourself?” 

              The little girl gave me a look that was way beyond what a four year old should even express.  I could tell she was thinking hard on her response.  The look was kind of unsettling.

              “I couldn’t wait on my big brother, he’s coming though.  He was right behind me, like, right back there when I started running.”  She points her thumb behind her back.  “I told him that I had to hurry.  It was important that I see Kinjy today!  I thought he was hurt.” 

              She quickly turn and run towards the railings that stands in front of Kinjy’s enclosure.  I’ve visited Kinjy on numerous occasions, due to this being my sanctuary away from my miserable life.  I try to visit at least once a week.  On every visit I have seen him pace his enclosure or he’s basking in the sun, this is his normal behavior.

              Never have I seen Kinjy give his undivided attention to anyone.  He is currently sitting on his hunches as if he were a dog and Peanut was his master.  As if, this mesmerizing child commanded him to heel and stay with just a simple look.  I could see Peanut’s little mouth moving as if she were actually having a secret conversation that she and Kinjy were only privy too.

              “I apologize if my sister made you uncomfortable in any way.” 

              I turn in the direction of the masculine voice.  O-M-G, the person that’s standing in front of me is drop-dead-gorgeous.  This had to be “
Big Brother
”, all six foot plus of him.  His skin was the color of smooth milk chocolate and he has big chocolate brown eyes, my favorite.  His hair was cut into a fade, his side burns were connected to a neatly trimmed beard.  He’s sporting a diamond stud in each ear.  His gear, WOW…he was rocking a white Adidas jumpsuit and white Adidas kicks.  All that white against the fine chocolate skin,
HEAVEN HELP ME, HE – IS - FINE!

              I think I stood a little too long gawking at him.  The corners of his mouth started to twitch and oh my GOD, I thought his sisters’ smile was sunshine on a cloudy day.  That smile…his smile…was the sun to my universe. 
WHO ARE YOU?

              “Are you okay?”  He asked me a little hastily.  How embarrassing!  Amber Wallace struck stupid by a guy.  This has never happened to me before.  I need to quickly get it together and save face.

              “Sorry, caught me in the middle of a thought.  Ummm, I was kind of day dreaming.  No…Ummm, not day dreaming, but thinking.”  Smooth Amber, the guy is going to think you’re some sort of ditzy space cadet.  “Hi, my name is Amber. I take it the little sister you’re speaking of is that pretty little thing over there, holding a conversation with a lion she just had to see today.”  I extended my arm offering my hand to shake, in a proper gesture of hello.  A look of amusement played on his face.  “To answer your question, Peanut did not make me uncomfortable at all.  She actually cheered up the pretty crappy day I was having.”

              “She has that…” 

              At just that moment the universe stood still as our hands clasped for the hand shake.  Whatever laws of attraction coursing through our veins was electrifying.  We both gasped at the exact same time as our hands connected. 

              “She…she…she has that effect on people.”  He said bemusedly.

              He was finally able to finish his sentence after releasing his hold on my hand.  At the moment our hands were unclasped the little person in question came bouncing over to us.  Can anyone say perfect timing?  Peanut looks at her brother then she looks at me.  She turns her head and looks at Kinjy, then back to her brother, and lastly she turns to me with a frown on her face.

              “Kinjy’s not hurt, but I thought…I felt in here that he was hurting.” 

              She placed her right hand over her heart.  At that moment her brother swiftly picked her up and held her tight in his arms.  She wound her little legs around his torso and draped her arms around his neck. 

              “It’s okay Peanut, I believe you.  I believe you!”  He whispered the words in her ear.  He starts to slowly sway his body from side to side, to give his little sister comfort. 

              “But Chase,” She said in a quiet whisper.  “It hurt so bad in here!” 

              She placed her tiny hand over her brother’s heart.  Through all of this I could not move.  I could not look away.  I could only stare.  I felt like I was intruding on the most intimate of moments between the two of them.  Should I interrupt?  Should I walk away? 

              I was mesmerized by the gentleness and comfort that he was showing his little sister.  He started to walk towards the bench that was located to the right of where we were standing.  This gave me the perfect opportunity to walk away, but I couldn’t.  As he walked, I followed.  As he sat, I sat.  As he leaned back on the bench to get comfortable, Peanut snuggled in closer into his chest.  His chest, his arms, the space in between his chin and neck were as if GOD himself reached down from heaven and custom fit Peanut into that space.  To prove that point, she snuggled into her safe space and he held her tight.

              His arms encircled her as if he was her protection from the world.  He continued to whisper his understanding, as well as chanting loving words into her ear.  I could not move.  I could not look away.  When was the last time someone ever protected me or comforted me?  When was the last time someone understood me… loved me?  When was the last time I was encircled by caring protective arms?

              Never!

              At that moment I grasped my chest.  A pain so sharp had me doubling over.  The pain of feeling so alone, adrift in a world where no one knows my agony. Tears, so many tears started to flow.  I stayed hunched over and shed my silent, painful, lonely tears.  Can anyone ever protect me?  Could they ever truly love me?  These are the questions that usually haunt me in the darkness.  These are the questions and emotions that I have locked away in my wishing chest and misplaced the key purposely, because why dream…I will never be free.

              “Chase, it’s not Kinjy hurting!  Let me down!” 

              I hear Peanut whispering to her brother.  Moments later, I feel Peanut standing on the side of me.  I’m too embarrassed to lift my head.  I’m embarrassed to show my tear streaked face.  A hand, his hand, suddenly, gently rest upon my back.  After a few seconds the owner of said hand starts to gently rub my back. 

              This small gesture of comfort from a person, a stranger, that doesn’t know me, that doesn’t want anything from me, but to comfort me in my time of need.  This single gesture released the storm of emotions raging inside of me.  There were no more silent tears, no more silent storms. 

              Peanut leans into me and whispers.  “GOD, he does love you Amber.” This statement was followed with a kiss on my temple.  I started to shake.  I felt as if my body was breaking into. 

              “Peanut, go see what Kinjy’s doing.”  I hear Chase telling his sister. 

              The comforting hand on my back continues to rub gently, the owner trying to give me what comfort he can.  He never whispered the comforting words as he did with his sister, but he stayed and that’s all that mattered.  This small act of kindness is more than anyone in my entire life has ever shown me.  But, the shame and embarrassment was too much to handle.

              Amber Wallace, crying in front of a total stranger.  Chase…Chase Mitchell the new kid…has just discovered that popular, beautiful Amber Wallace isn’t perfect at all.

             
SHE’S BROKEN!

              Before lifting my face and straightening my shoulders, before the reapplication of my perfect armor, I wipe my face with my shirt to remove the evidence of my broken shield.  I gather myself, my strength, my dignity and look him in the eyes and…

              “Sorry!”  I said in a rushed tone.  Then, I ran!  I ran away from the embarrassment of my broken shield that will hopefully never resurface again.