Spoiled Secrets (9 page)

“Hey, let me explain an important fact about myself, Chase Mitchell.  I don’t need a protector.  If there is a battle to be fought I prefer to fight it myself.  I don’t let stupid comments like these assholes are spewing, get to me.  That fucker doesn’t know me.  Believe me, the only person that knows who I’ve been intimate with, is me.  And, I’m far from a
whore
!  So, his words don’t affect me.”  I was so proud of myself, I sounded all grownup. 

“
Babe
!” he growls and leans down to kiss my forehead.  “You amaze me…” he was cut off from whatever he was going to say by Mr. Asshole himself.

“Hey, Bro … I got a bet going on with my boys.  Have you hit that yet?  Did she at least make you wait twenty-four hour to tap that?”  He was chuckling his question with no obvious hesitation. 

What the HELL! Chase moved so fast.  The chuckling was replaced by a gurgling sound.  My eyes were trying to catch the extremely fast movement in front of me.  I saw fist flying, like startled birds taken flight.  Unfortunately, for the other guy the punches were landing precisely on its target…his face.  His opponent was dropped to the ground by a vicious knee punch.  Is there a thing as a knee punch?

Well, that’s what I’m going to call it because that’s the best I can come up with at the moment. 

Jesus….who moves like this? 
BEAUTIFUL!
DEADLY!
GRACEFULL!
WHAT A SIGHT TO SEE
! Let’s not forget,
FAST
!  This was controlled – wild - reckless movements, which I have only seen on television with MMA fighters.  While I was admiring this beautiful disaster in front of me, it dawned on me that Chase was holding this no named jerk in a chokehold.

“
Hommie, if you know what’s best for you, you’ll let up on Brian
!”  Was he talking about Brian, THE Brian Jacobs?  The Brian Jacobs, who is currently the prized quarterback of our football team?

“
Listen, if you know what’s best for you, you’ll fuck off because this has nothing to do with you
!” Chase responded.

I noticed that, Chase was not breathing hard from his tussle with Brian.  He maintained the hold around his adversary’s neck.  I did notice that he lessened the pressure of the neck hold.  The hold looked worse than it really was.

“Jeremy, if I were you I would butt out.”  Keisha said from the side.

I was shocked by the turn of events unfolding in front of me.  I completely lost my voice.  Hell, moments ago I was so engrossed with Chase Mitchell, that I did not recognize our own star quarterback or his sidekick, Jeremy Thompson.  I was so engrossed in Chase that until this actual moment, I didn’t realize that our little group had migrated to the,
Make-Out Hall
, which is located far enough away from the cafeteria that no one has stumbled across this brawl.

“FUCK OFF, YOU SLEAZY WHORE!”  Jeremy yells at Keisha while he simultaneously rushed towards Chase’s back to help his friend.

“SHIT…Chase!”  I yell a frantic warning.

One moment, Chase had Brian in a loose neck hold.  The next moment, the hold was released. Chase quickly got to his feet and Brian went on all fours, coughing and sputtering for air. Chase side stepped his attacker which caused Jeremy’s jab to sail pass his face.  Chase countered with a hook to the body. He followed that with a vicious knee punch, which promptly sent Jeremy to the floor gasping for breath alongside his friend.

“Chase, that’s enough!  Let’s go before someone comes by and sees all of this.”  I wave my hands at the two battered bodies.  “I told you before that I don’t need a man to fight my battles.  What’s a little name calling compared to you getting suspended or expelled for this shit?”

I let him hear the disapproval in my voice, but my eyes…my eyes were heated.  Yes, I’m guilty… who wouldn’t be a little turned on after bearing witness to something like this.  They write books all the time about men defending their woman’s honor.  This is what happens in all the fairytales that are read to little girls nightly.  A shiny knight comes along to save the princess and the story ends with a happily ever after. 

It’s nice and all, but completely unrealistic and unnecessary.  This is real life, bad things happen.  What if the tables were turned?  What if it was Chase on the ground gasping for breath?  A shiver ran through me. 
Oh my GOD, he could be hurt.  Is he hurt?

I quickly assessed Chase for damages.  My eyes darted from his chest, arms, hands, legs and finally his face.  The look that he returned was just as heated as mine.  Is that anger?  Is that confusion?  Could it be the beginning of love, staring back at me?  NOOOOO…that look is one hundred percent alpha, pissed off male glaring back at me.  I let out a deep breath that I didn’t know I was holding. There is no damage that my eyes can see.

“Shut – Up - Amber!  The guy just defended your lousy honor and you’re giving him the third degree!”  Emily shook her head.  “If
you
didn’t want
him
to ride in too save your stupid ass on this beautiful, spectacular, rumble in the goddamned jungle, of a day; well, too fucking bad!  As I recall, it wasn’t just your honor he was defending.”  She turns to Chase.

“You can defend me any day of the week lover boy!”  She turns back to me.  “Come on Amber, he’s already wiped the floor with these two dipshits!  He can’t take it back now, what’s done is done.  But, be my guest; keep on complaining and kicking a gift horse in the face.  Let me tell you this, if you don’t want to play the role of damsel in distress, I’ll gladly take your place.  ANYTIME…NIGHT…OR, DAY!  Keep that in mind the next time you open your ungrateful mouth.”

“Emily, you go too far sometimes!”  Keisha gaped at her and shook her head.

“What?  Amber knows I’m fucking around.  I don’t do seconds…I mean look at me.”  She twirls around in a circle so that we could get a good look at her body.  “With all of this goodness, does it look like I need someone’s trash, especially, sloppy seconds from my best friend? 
Ahh, Gross!
  I might talk a good game, but you both know I’m not that type of girl.”  Emily pointed in my direction. “By the way, I wasn’t calling your man trash so don’t look at me like that.  Grab He-Man, and let’s kick rocks before these guys get up for round two.”

Chase walks over to me and snakes his arm around my waist to bring me into the protection of his body.  I must admit, it is one thing thinking your protected and another,
knowing
that you are protected.  It’s a wonderful feeling.  In this moment I know that this man could…would, protect me from anyone that intended to cause me harm.  The question is… would I allow him to do it?  NO!  It’s tempting, but as I said before, I will fight my own battles.  I have a feeling that the battle I am facing, will turn out to be frightful.

Chapter 10

              The bell has rung and I scurry to my car to head home as fast as I can.  I was excited about the upcoming picnic.  To see Chase again and visit with Peanut, was such a tempting treat to dangle in front of me all day long.  It was hard to concentrate in any of my classes, my mind kept wondering to him.  Will he hold me?  Will he kiss me?  What are we going to talk about?  Is this official?  Are we a couple?   As quickly as the excitement and wondering questions came, my thoughts veered in a dangerous direction.  Darker questions started to creep into my blissfulness.  

              What am I going to do?  What if my dad finds out? How can I try something new when my life is in such turmoil?  If he finds out about what’s been going on, will he think I’m a slut?  Will he hate me? Will he think I am a willing party in this vile sickness, I call family and life?  How can I kiss him - taint him - with the depravity I call my life?  I can’t do this!  I can’t drag him into my warped life!  What if he finds out? 
OH MY GOD, what if he finds OUT?
  I have to stop this!  I can’t let him in!  I can’t love him!  WHY!  WHY! WHY!  I’m going to lose him!
NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!
  Please GOD, I can’t lose the only hope of something normal!
PLEASE!  PLEASE GOD, I NEED YOUR GUIDANCE!  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

              By the time I turned the corner onto my block, I was in full blown panic mode.  My body was on system overload.  I was shaking uncontrollably, each intake of breath was quick and shallow.  My driveway came into view and I quickly pulled into my spot.  I was afraid that I might pass out.  

              Slowly Breathe…..

              Slow Your Breathing…..

              Calm Down…..

              Breathe…..

              Deep and Slow……

              You got this, just BREATHE…..

              As I journey back to the here and now, I am finally able to get my self-induced panic attack under control. I lift my head and notice that my mother’s car is parked in the driveway. 
What?  What’s going on?  She’s never home! Mom’s home! 
I get a little excited knowing she’s home, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen her.
 
This is exactly what I needed to get me out of my slump.  I straighten and exit my car.

              My plan was to quickly freshen up and change clothes before meeting Chase and Peanut, for our picnic.  Having mom home is such a rare occasion that she trumps everything at this moment.  I wonder what’s going on.  I better let Chase know that I will be a little late for our date.  I first need to check on my mother, to make sure everything is okay before I head out.

              My Number (to Chase)
– Can’t wait for our date!

              “Mom?  Mom, where are you?”  I yell as I close the front door behind me.

              “Sweetheart, I’m in the kitchen!”

              (Bird chirping ringtone)

              Chase Number
– I’m the one who can’t wait.  Peanut is so excited about the picnic….Lol!!

              I walk into the kitchen with a smile on my face.  My focus isn’t on the steps that I’m taking guiding me to my mother’s location, my focus is glued to the screen of my cellphone.

              My Number (to Chase)
– Bad news, I’ll be one hour late for our date.

              I look up from my texting, mom starts laughing at me and shaking her head.

              “What?” 

              “Nothing!  It has been a long time since I’ve seen a smile on your face, sweetheart…I’ve missed your beautiful smile.  Matter of fact, I haven’t seen you for a while.”  A sad shadow creeps over her facial features.

              I walk over to the kitchen table where mom was now sitting, without a seconds thought I throw my arms around her neck.  She’s right, it’s been so long since I have actually seen her, since I’ve spent quality time with her.  Due to her schedule, my mother usually arrives home around two in the morning and leaves for work before I arrive from school.  During my suspension, she was out of town majority of the time.  It’s a rare treat for me to have her home.  Years….It’s been years….Mom mirrors my movement and hugs me back.

             
YEARS
….all of a sudden the repercussion of her continuous absence crushes me, I can’t let go of her.  I hang on for dear life. I can’t help it, I’ve missed her.  How is it that you can share a roof, share space, share a life with someone, but still feel as if the individual has been absent from your life forever?

              I have the urge to scream, “
Mommy please don’t go! Mommy, please don’t leave me again!  Mommy, please save me from the monsters that hides from you, but attack me in the end!”
  But, I don’t.  I am forbidden to speak of my fears.  I cannot voice my hurts.  Because, if I dare to upset his rule, to speak of his ill treatment of me, melee will ensue and there will be casualties. 

              I can only hold her close and pray that one day she will be able to forgive me for the things I have done.  Instead, I hug her tight and silently scream,
I’M
SORRY…I’M SO SORRY!
  I hold her tight silently praying for her understanding.  Praying, that she will realize I’m protecting her from the physical harm that he has said he would inflict on her, if I ever uttered one word of the horrors this shell of a house hides from her.  So, I continue to hold her tight because that’s all I can do!

              “Amber…honey, is something wrong?  You know you can always talk to me…you know that…right?”

              I don’t speak, I continue to hold her tight.  Tears of frustration escape the confines of their prison, at this moment I am just too weak and weary to halt their flow. 

              “Amber…darling, your frightening me!  What’s wrong?  Please tell me what’s wrong, what’s going on?”

              It’s on the tip of my tongue.  All I have to do is utter two simple words,
HELP ME!
  But, it’s never that simple.  Those two words are the hardest words to vocalize. It takes courage to utter those words.  It takes strength to utter those words.  Strength and Courage, two traits that does not describe the person I am.  But, soon….real soon, those words will escape from their gilded cage that has trapped them for so long.  Soon…real soon, those words will escape because I have seen my future and I will not give him up!  Soon, I will start to build my strength and I will gather some courage.  But not today, today I am who he has trained me to be….I will stand here in my depravity as his creation, his… weakling!  So, in the end I just say….

              “I’ve missed you!  I’ve really missed you mom!” 

              “Anything….anything Amber…..you can tell me anything, do you hear me?”  Mom, disentangles our limbs to grasps my chin while she vehemently pleads with me to tell her my problems.  But, in the end I chicken out.

              “Okay mom!  I’ll keep that in mind the next time I have a problem.  I’ve missed you, I promise that’s all.”  I try to wipe the tears from my face, but my mother beats me too it. 

              “What are you doing home at this time, it’s early?”  I try to lighten the mood with a switch in topics.

              (Bird chirping ringtone)

              I release our embrace and reach for my cell phone that I placed in my back pocket.

              Chase Number
– Is something wrong?

              I shake my head and smile.

             
My Number (to Chase)
– No, my mother is home, I haven’t seen her in a while.  I will not be standing you up today, I need time to find out why she is home so early.  I just need an hour…ok?

              Chase Number
– We can reschedule, Peanut will understand!  Spend all the time you need with your mother.

              My Number (to Chase)
– No!   I said, I will be there in an hour!  Thank you for being understanding. 

              Chase Number
– O.K., I will see you in an hour! 

              My Number (to Chase)
– O.K.

              Chase Number
– On my previous text I was really trying to be supportive, but I think an hour might be too long.   I will tough it out for you….only you, babe!

              My Number (to Chase)
– All I can say is, WOW!  I’ll be there in an hour!

              I look up from my speedy round of texting and mom smiles at me. 

              “Who’s putting that smile on your face?”

              “Nobody!”  I answered while chuckling.

              “Nobody?  Maybe I’m getting old because I was under the impression that when a girl smiles like that, it’s because she’s really interested in someone.  I know I haven’t been around a lot, but I would like to know who’s putting a smile on your beautiful face.”

              Mom states, as she tucks my hair behind my ear.  I remember her doing this small jester when I was much younger.  I give her another hug and try to change the subject from me, again.  I really need to know why she’s at home at this hour. 

              “Mooooooom!”  I drag out the word as if I were a spoiled five year old.  This made her laugh.   

              “Oh – My – GOD, Amber, act your age!”

              “
Who is
putting that smile on your face? I would love to know that.  Hell, I’m just as curious as your mother…” 

              The deep rumble of my dad’s voice vibrates through my back as he stands behind me. How did I not notice that he had entered the room? My heart trips, it actually missed a couple beats before it suddenly speeds to a rhythm that I know will have me passing out soon, if I don’t get it under control.  His voice alone renders me immobile.  My body as gone still, as if rigor mortis has set in. I know mom is sitting right in front of me and that I need to keep it together, for her sake…for her safety.

              I should be putting on my armor, my fake pretty portrait of me, of a girl that has no worries, of a girl who has it all, of a girl who is happy, but for some odd reason I can’t seem to get my mind around the fact that I’m scared shitless at this moment.  I can’t decipher the look she’s giving me, all I know is that I need to tread lightly.  I need to get it together!  My dad chuckles, bends forward, braces his hands on my shoulders, and attempts to place a gentle fatherly kiss on the top of my head.

              Without thinking my body reacts, I do something that has never been done before; I recoil from his touch.  It was a slight rebuff, but he notices and his grip tightens its hold.  I feel trapped, confined, exposed, enraged, scared and helpless!  What do I do?  What do I say?  I need to get it together and fast.  I keep repeating the same thing in my head, but my body will not correspond to the demands of my fragile mind.

              “
Wh…whhaa
…what did you say?” I stutter my question while standing there trapped in his hold.  The unexpected laughter that explodes from his chest is unnerving.

              “Do I make you nervous or something?  I walk in while you and your mom are talking about girly shit…smiles and what not.  I’m as curious as your mother.  Now tell us, who’s putting that smile on my baby girl’s face. 
It’s not like I’m going to hunt him down and kill him!
  Fuck Amber, lighten up!” 

              He pats my shoulder in a silent warning and proceeds to bend to place another kiss on my head.  I make no sudden movements, I stand in place and acknowledged his warning.  I stealthily glance at mom and notice
that look
again, the look of confusion. 
She mustn’t find out!
That’s the warning that I was given, a silent demand that I fix my fuck-up.  He moves from behind me and walks over to the refrigerator to grab a beer.