Star Fish (9 page)

‘To be sure,’ I hiccuped and then promptly fell backwards off my barstool in complete shock.

– Fifteen –

Pisces:
A familiar face in the crowd? Don’t be fooled by that old devil called love.

The next morning I woke up to my mobile ringing right next to my head. I had a terrible hangover but when I saw it was Christopher I thought I’d better talk to him, as I hadn’t been on a date for ages.

‘Morning!’ he greeted me.

‘You’re cheerful,’ I said resentfully.

‘Well, when you’re playing cupid to three hundred people you have to try,’ he said.

‘Now, Ms Anderson. Declan is keen to meet up with you and I thought you would see him before Carl and then you cancelled that and-’

‘Slow down, Mr Starr. Right – let’s get my love-life in some sort of order. Firstly, I would love to meet up with Declan. Secondly, I would like you to turn down Laurence for me. Categorically. His birthday flowers were lovely but I don’t think I could ever fancy him or even like him, unfortunately. Oh, and of course there’s the lovely Carl.’

‘Carl? I spoke to him yesterday and he said he was going to be in touch with you.’

‘Oh well, I’m sure he’ll call. So all you have to do is set up a date with Declan.’

‘Money for old rope, I say! Think I may have to set up my own dating agency before long!’

‘You are most definitely a one, Amy Anderson! I’ll get back to you as soon as I’ve got hold of Declan.’

‘OK, bye then.’

‘I need drugs!’ Katie shouted from the spare bedroom.

‘Drugs?’ I hoped Katie had not got mixed up in the drug scene in Lanzarote.

‘You know headache tablets – Resolve or anything to stop this woodpecker drilling in my head.’ I heard her yawn. ‘It’s nice to be back, Ames. Like the pad, it has a certain karma about it.’

Karma? Being near the volcanic mountains and the sea must have turned the usual matter-of-fact Katie a bit spiritual. How bizarre.

‘You ain’t seen nothing yet, Ms Cook. I have to introduce you to my frogs!’

‘Morning, Gloria.’

‘Morning, Jed’

‘Rain today, I reckon.’

‘Let’s hope not, Jed.’

Luckily he had never mentioned the stench of the pond again. With luck he was losing his sense of smell as well as his hearing!

Katie looked at me with a quizzical expression.

‘Don’t even ask,’ I warned her.

‘I won’t,’ she smirked. Luckily my friends took my eccentricities in their stride.

‘Just look at my little bubbas, bless them, sticking their little heads out of the water to get air.’

‘Amy, I think you’ve lost the plot. I’m also sure it’s the wrong time of year for frogs. Perhaps the stench keeps them warm!’ In fact, I don’t even think they are alive – they are just suspended dead in the sludge.’

Penelope came down the garden to investigate. Stuck his nose in the air, squeaked and went and pooped in a flowerbed.

‘Sure you still want to move in?’ I asked.

‘Yes, but only temporarily. Don’t reckon I can stick with this cold weather for long.’

‘Get away with you, it will start warming up in April.’

‘We’ll see,’ Katie replied throwing back her long mane of blonde, wavy hair. ‘I shall pop round my mum’s this afternoon and pick up my stuff. Oh, and Amy, your behaviour last night was very strange. Do you need to talk to me about anything?’

‘I do actually.’ I grimaced. ‘I think we should have a conference round Sam’s later.’

‘OK, I’ll see you there. Call you in a bit.’

My mobile was flashing up the voice message sign when we went back inside. It was Christopher again.

‘Good news. Declan wants to take you racing, he’s been invited to a meeting at Ascot, in a private box!’

The real Declan, at last! He had looked gorgeous in his picture and a day at the races would be such fun. I suddenly felt really excited.

I felt both hungover and apprehensive as I walked along the river path to Sam’s flat. I guessed the gang would probably be annoyed that I hadn’t confessed about false Declan in the first place.

Sam opened the door. I went through to the lounge and immediately flopped down on to one of his comfy red sofas. ‘Jesus, there must be at least thirty candles alight in here!’ I squealed.

‘Well, I felt that we needed a calm environment for you to tell us about the trauma that was so obviously affecting your mood last night.’

H, Katie and Liv were sitting opposite me, in a row on beanbags. They looked like a jury. Anna was still so hungover; she apparently hadn’t made it out of bed. Bless Anna, she suffered as greatly with her hangovers as she did with her bowels. Thank goodness Brad wasn’t here. He was spending the day with Sean in Brighton.

‘Rosehip or raspberry, girls?’

‘Now if you were saying red or white, that would be more appropriate as it’s the weekend,’ Liv piped up. ‘After last night, I feel that hair of the dog is most definitely required.’

‘No, we need to have a clear head so that we can make a correct analysis of Ms Anderson’s case,’ he reproached her.

‘I’m not sure I want to tell you!’ I muttered guiltily.

Two glasses of red later (Sam was easy to bully) and I was feeling far more relaxed. I had managed to keep off the subject of Declan by discussing my birthday presents and how Katie wanted to redecorate my perfectly nice spare bedroom and paint it red. ‘It’s a grounding colour, Amy, please don’t question me,’ she interrupted.

‘I thought I’d slept with Sean,’ I suddenly announced.

‘You what?’ The gang shouted in unison.

‘What do you mean you THOUGHT you had!’ exclaimed Liv.

‘How can you not know? I know you can be reckless sometimes, Ames, but you have to explain this one,’ H scoffed.

I sat and told them the whole story of the hotel and me thinking I was with the real Declan. I apologised for not having confided in them before, but explained that I thought they would be worried about me. Throughout my confession there were gasps and the odd ‘Lucky Cow’ from Liv. I was quite worn out by the time I had blurted it all out but felt relieved that I had no secrets from them now.

‘What do I say to Brad?’ I finished up.

‘You have to tell him,’ Sam advised. ‘So that he can keep an eye on you at the wedding.’

‘You still think I should go then, knowing that his twin brother, who I shagged two weeks ago, is the one getting married?’

‘There is no doubt that you must go, Ames.’ put in the usually rational H. ‘False Declan has to see you. Imagine his face! There are too many rats who get away with murder in this world.’

‘The only thing is,’ I continued, ‘since it happened I can’t get him out of my mind.’

‘You’ll be fine,’ H soothed. ‘We will all be there to hold your hand. You have to realise what a bastard he is, then you can get on with your search for Mr Right.’

‘I actually agree.’ Sam said strongly. ‘And afterwards, you have to promise me you’ll see Carl again. He sounds lovely.’

‘I promise.’ Confession was definitely good for the soul. I felt so much happier.

‘How about you take Carl?’ Sam went on thoughtfully. ‘You know he’s already good at weddings and it will help to boost your morale.’

‘Fab idea! Sam, you are not just a pretty face,’ Liv said.

‘I don’t think I was even as nervous as this when I left to take my driving test,’ I wailed to H.

‘It’ll be fine, hon. We’ll all look after you.’

‘Yeah,’ promised Katie. ‘It’s going to be a real laugh, all of us at a posh hotel getting pissed at your ex-lover’s expense.’

‘Katie, that’s terrible. Don’t let Brad or especially Sean hear you speaking like that.’

It was still light as I walked the short distance home from Sam’s flat. I felt exhausted after my late night, but decided Brad needed enlightening on the whole sorry situation as soon as possible. I called him on his mobile and asked him to pop round that evening.

The never judgmental Brad took my confession well, although he thought it best not to tell Sean yet as they were in the early stages of their relationship and in his words,

‘I don’t want to put him off, thinking my best friend is a slapper!’

‘Not that his brother is a complete charlatan?’ I questioned.

Penelope actually excelled himself at this moment because he lifted his tail right in front of Brad and promptly let out one of his silent but deadly farts.

‘Well done, darling.’ I crooned and stroked him. ‘Your timing is perfect.’

‘You’re a bitch and your cat is a bastard, I’m going home.’ Brad snapped and stormed off, but then a few minutes later my phone beeped through a text message.

LUV YOU REALLY. WILL LOOK OUT 4 U ON SAT Bx

I replied with
SHIT OFF
just to show my appreciation and the fact that Amy and Brad were back to normal!’

H, Katie, Liv. Sam and myself got off the train at Paddington and headed to join the taxi queue outside the station. It was a chilly March evening and it had just started to rain. I wasn’t sure if I was shivering with cold or with fear, as I was within minutes of seeing false Declan again.

We swaggered into The Langdon Hotel and were impressed by its grandeur. Brad had been there the whole day. The rest of us strutted in our finery towards the Music Room, where the reception was taking place. Sadly, Anna had declined as her irritable bowel had kicked in while she was in the Garden Centre earlier and she was feeling too bloated to travel, bless her.

Carl was arriving at 9 p.m. as he said he had a meeting to attend first. I couldn’t think what sort of meeting he would go to on a Saturday night but didn’t question him, as I was so glad he was coming.

H had had terrible trouble dressing me for this forbidding encounter. I must have pulled every single item of clothing out of my wardrobe. She wouldn’t let me buy anything new as she said it would be ‘wasting money on bad rubbish!’ I eventually settled on the black dress, fake diamonds and kitten heels that I had graced The Holly in.

‘I feel sick. I should have had a drink before I arrived,’ I moaned, knowing full well that everyone had abstained on my behalf, as a drunk Amy Anderson on a mission was actually quite terrifying. ‘What do I say? What do I do when I see him?’ I was panicking now.

‘Sam, can you deal with her please,’ begged Katie.

Everyone sighed with relief, as they knew that the calm and sensitive Sam would soon put me at ease. First, he told me to stick out my tongue and put some Bach Flower Remedy on it. ‘Yum, that tastes like Brandy,’ I ran my tongue round my gums. He then made me shut my eyes and massaged my temples with his forefingers. He finished this fine healing performance by brushing my lips with his and that was it.

‘Sam Clark, you will make someone a wonderful husband one day, you know,’ I said dreamily.

‘Yeah, yeah, now get in there and behave, we’re late.’ I think he was actually blushing.

We entered the Music Room; there must have been at least 150 people in there. It was smoky, it was noisy and there was an Irish Band strumming out a ditty in the corner. People were dancing, yahooing, drinking and having fun. Sean was right, the Irish sure knew how to party. Brad saw me and came hurrying over.

‘Princess, you look beautiful – and just look at Sean. Isn’t he just
the
most gorgeous creature?’

Of course I thought he was gorgeous, he was the spitting image of the brother I had slept with! However I just sweetly replied, ‘Yes, Brad, he’s gorgeous.’

‘On a serious note, Princess, are you ready for this?’

‘As I’ll ever be.’ I didn’t want to look out for the false Declan; I couldn’t face it just yet. Liv was at the bar beckoning me over.

‘I’ve got you a Jameson’s – a large one, obviously!’

After two of the same I felt fine. I had kept facing into the bar and had met an assortment of people. Uncle Blarney had great delight in telling me that he’d always had a thing for the fuller-figured English girl. I found this quite amusing until I heard Auntie Blarney seethe that if he looked at my breasts again she would ‘feckin give him a fuller face!’

None of my clan had taken their eyes off me for one minute, for fear of an emotional eruption.

When Grandpa Ferret – well, that’s what it sounded like – asked if I ‘fancied being swung round by the oldest swinger in town’ how could I possibly resist? The band was having a break and ‘The Birdie Song’ was blaring out from the disco. H, Liv, Katie and Sam all held their breath as I squirmed my way through the crowd to the dance floor. Brad was too busy with his staged dance routine to care.

Grandpa Ferret was actually quite agile for an eighty-year-old.

‘I’m so proud to be sure of my handsome Kieran,’ he panted, twirling me around. We’ve been trying to marry the little eejit off for years.’

He then started to spin me round by both hands. The effects of the whiskey, combined with dizziness from one twirl after another, caused me to topple right off one of my kitten heels. The pain in my ankle was intense. I shut my eyes for what seemed like seconds and opened them to lots of worried faces looking down at me.