Star Fish (19 page)

– Thirty Three –

Pisces:
Shrug off your inhibitions and get involved in something exciting and different today. You never know what it may lead to.

Brad and I arrived at the Docklands TV studio bright and early on the Saturday morning. I’d never been to a TV studio before and it wasn’t even half as glamorous as I had imagined it to be. It was like a big warehouse, with loads of partitioned areas. Lots of stressed looking people were rushing around, dodging cabling that was strewn all over the floor.

I was terrified. The new show was entitled
Perfect Date
. Ryan had sent me a brief summary of the format a few days before. Basically, the studio was set up as a restaurant. There were to be three eligible bachelors, each one sat at a different table, and I had to ask them three simple questions. The one who gave me the answers I liked the most would be chosen by me as my dinner-date for that night.

This dinner would then be filmed and shown on the next show. If our date was a success then we, the lucky couple, would get an all expenses-paid weekend to a destination of our choice.

I could choose one question; the other two would be staged. The first I would see of the contestants would be when I sat down opposite them. Brad was beside himself with excitement.

‘Prinny, it’s going to be a doddle, sweetness. Just ooze sex and confidence. You’ll be fine,’ he assured me.

‘What if I forget the questions?’ I panicked.

Ryan appeared in the dressing-room doorway. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You’ll have an earpiece, which I’ll be on the other end of, so I will prompt you. Felix here will do your make-up and hair.’

Felix was six foot four – in fact he was the tallest and campest man I had ever met. He was wearing a red shirt with a pink cravat and had cropped white hair, which contrasted, dramatically with his ebony skin.

‘Ooh just look at you,’ he announced on seeing me. ‘Biggest bag of nerves I’ve seen in a while. Don’t worry, honey, once I’ve teased your roots and simmered down that shine you’ll be just fine.’ He then looked at Brad. ‘I could tease
you
later if you fancy it, sweetie.’

Brad looked terrified. ‘Just popping to the loo,’ he announced and almost ran out of the room.

The Floor Manager walked me through my positioning for the show. She was a slight Welsh girl called Ffion with a mop of unruly blonde curls. She was extremely friendly but I could sense she would take no nonsense from me, as when I started wailing again that I was worried I might sit at the wrong table, she responded with, ‘You can’t and you won’t.’

This had made me even more terrified.

The presenter of the show was called Dirk Douglas. He had so much fake tan on he looked orange. He was broad-shouldered, with a really slender waist and long legs,

and dressed immaculately in a designer black suit, with an orange shirt and matching orange tie. This made me snort as it just looked like a continuation of his neck. His eyes seemed to dart around his face at one hundred miles an hour.

‘Amy, darling, I’m Dirk. You can call me Dee but not on air. Now let’s have a little run-through, shall we.’

Liv, H, Anna and Sam had arrived and were already sitting in the audience on their own. Ryan had let them in early as he thought they might help to calm my nerves.

‘Go, Amy, go.’ shrieked Liv from the audience. Dirk turned, gave her a disdainful look and concentrated back on me.

Once I had chatted through what Dirk was going to ask me at the start of the show, Felix appeared. ‘Show time, honey. Let’s get you into something shimmery.’

When Felix had finished with me I have to say I felt a million dollars. He had put my hair up and little ringlets fell around my face. I was wearing a fitted black cocktail dress, covered in sequins, and black high-heeled sandals. In this outfit I could have walked down a red carpet to a film premiere and not felt out of place.

Brad came in to see me as Felix was spraying my hair into place.

‘Whoa Amy, you look amazing. Now, you go girl, you will be brilliant. I’m going off to sit with the others.’ He kissed me on the cheek and sped off.

The music announcing the start of the show blared out. Ffion waited with me until Dirk said, ‘So let’s meet the lady who’s going to fulfil one of these lucky chaps’ fantasies.’

Ffion then pushed me forward with the words. ‘Smile for the camera.’

I felt like a rabbit that had been caught in the headlights of a car.
Retain composure
, my inner voice said. I could hear the gang clapping and screaming in the audience.

Amazingly, I managed to get through the introduction without a hitch. However, I still cringed at the thought of anyone who knew me watching, and regretted Brad ever talking me into this.

Dirk led me to the first table and announced cheesily, ‘Amy, meet Colin, Colin meet Amy. Ask a question and test the reaction.’

My mind suddenly went completely blank. I jumped back in my seat as Ryan said in my ear, ‘Dog, Amy, dog.’

‘Oh yes,’ I said, and smiled falsely out at the audience.

Colin was a nerd. He had brown hair, flicked across his right eye, and was wearing a hideous black and white stripy shirt with huge collars.

‘Colin, hi. If you were a dog, what sort of dog would you be?’

‘I think I would have to be an Alsation, Amy. ‘Rough, tough and loyal.’ He then played up his part by adding. ‘You can share
my
kennel any time.’

I thought I was going to be sick. I paused again.

‘Second one, Amy – car, car!’ Ryan screeched in my ear.

‘Now then, Colin.’ I was beginning to feel a bit more confident now. I cocked my head to the side and asked, ‘What would you say is your favourite type of car and why?’

‘Oh, that’s easy. I like Ferraris. They’re fast, sleek and they turn the ladies’ heads.’

‘OK, thanks for that, and finally,’ I could almost hear Ryan quivering at the control desk as he waited for my own final unrehearsed question. ‘Finally Colin, what is your star sign?’

‘I’m a Scorpio.’

Dirk jumped over to the next table. ‘OK, move on Amy and remember...’ He looked out at the audience and said even more cheesily than before: ‘Ask those questions and test those reactions.’

I waited for Ryan to plant the next question in my ear as I had totally forgotten them all by now. ‘Farm animal, Amy, farm animal.’

Andy was sat opposite me. He too was a nerd. Where on earth had they picked these contestants from? I thought.

‘Andy, nice to meet you.’ I was beginning to play up my part now.

‘Get on with it, Amy.’ Ryan nagged from his post. I made a face as if to tell him to shut up. ‘If you were a farm animal, Adam, what animal would you be?’

‘Oh, that’s easy. I would have to be an elephant, as they never forget anything and I would hate to forget anything as beautiful as you.’

I started to laugh; the audience started to laugh. I thought Andy was going to cry. I then felt sorry for him and whispered, ‘I said a farm animal.’

But poor Andy was so flustered by then he couldn’t think of a single farm animal.

‘Just go the last question,’ shrieked Ryan in my ear, realising that Andy wasn’t the sharpest tack in the box.

‘Andy, it’s OK. I’m not an animal lover anyway.’

Everyone shrieked with laughter again.

‘Brilliant.’ Ryan laughed in my ear.

‘Finally, what’s
your
star sign?’

‘An easy one at last,’ Andy replied thankfully. ‘I’m a Jupiter.’

I was extremely relieved to get to the final contestant. His name was Nick and he was actually the best of a bad lot. He had a shaven head but the most piercing blue eyes and perfect teeth. The sea creature he would be was a dolphin, his favourite colour was blue and he was a Cancerian.’

Dirk seemed relieved that it was nearing the end of the show as well. He guided me back to the sofa where he had introduced me.

‘So, Amy, you’ve seen them, you’ve asked the questions and gauged the reactions, ha, ha ha. The audience are on the edge of their seats now, so just who is the lucky man who will be dining with you tonight?’

I looked out at the audience, who were calling out different names and caught Liv’s eye. She was mouthing ‘Nick’ to me. I was now beginning to enjoy myself.

‘Well, Dirk, they’re all pretty sexy, aren’t they, but it’s just got to be Nick.’

I had picked a Cancerian, when there was a Scorpio on offer. Poor Colin really was that atrocious. Mind you, we fish were also supposed to be compatible with crabs so I would remain open-minded on this one.

Rapturous applause followed. A beaming Nick came and sat next to me on the sofa. Dirk asked him, ‘So Nick, you lucky boy, what do you think of your date for this evening?’

‘She’s OK.’

Bloody OK? I thought. Not gorgeous, attractive, a complete babe but just, ‘She’s OK.’

We were then sent off holding hands, smiling and had, as rehearsed, to wave back at the audience, looking like we really wanted to be together.

As soon as we got out of camera shot Nick looked at me and said, ‘Thank God that’s over. Cheers for picking me.’

I was actually physically shaking; I didn’t realise quite what an ordeal it would be. Nick seemed quite nice but he
so
wasn’t someone I would usually go out with. I wasn’t really into bald.

Suddenly the gang appeared, they all jumped on me, congratulating me and laughing at what an idiot Andy had been. Liv whispered that I’d definitely made the right choice. Ryan also appeared and gave me a pat on the back.

‘Well done, Amy, very amusing. No time to relax though. I’ll introduce you to the crew going with you to the restaurant and we’ll send you on your way.’

‘Hiya.’ Felix minced over to us. ‘I’m coming with you, sweeties.’ He then looked at Nick and said, ‘I can touch you both up in the toilets.’

Nick and I travelled alone in the taxi to the restaurant.

‘Look, Amy I’m sure you’re a really nice girl and everything, but I’m not looking for love, just a break. I’m an actor and hoped this show might be a foot in the door for something else.’

What a prat. I was so pleased that I didn’t fancy him.

‘Thanks for your honesty. Better to be knocked back before you’ve jumped the first hurdle rather than fall face first into the water jump.’ I replied, putting a brave face on this whole awful situation.

‘We’ll get some posh nosh anyway,’ he added. ‘And if we can bear each other after the meal, a free weekend away somewhere cool as well.’

At that precise moment I thought that if Nick were the last man on earth I wouldn’t even go to Bognor with him.

We were to dine at The Oxo Tower. On arrival, I was impressed at how
cool
this place was. We were seated in a corner, for ease of filming, but still had magnificent views of London, due to the restaurant’s trendy, elevated glass structure. Nick, however, was a very
un
cool person. After the starter I’d decided that it was going to be hard to make the best of a bad job. We said and did all the right things for the cameras but both knew that when we said goodbye after the show next Saturday, that would be the last we would ever see of each other.

– Thirty Four –

Pisces:
Make an effort to pamper yourself this week. A change is as good as a rest.

‘It was an experience anyway,’ Brad said encouragingly over lunch the following Sunday.

‘I guess so,’ I sighed.

‘At least now if anyone recognises you they’ll instantly know you’re single.’

‘Yes, thanks for that Brad,’ I said. ‘How did your meal go with Jon last night, by the way?’ I mentioned it casually, not wanting Brad to think it was any big deal. I knew that he was feeling a bit guilty going out with somebody else so soon after Sean.

‘It was really special, Amy. I like him a lot. He respects that I want to take things slowly and that makes me like him even more.’

‘Jon is a lovely guy. I’m really pleased for you, babe.’

I breezed into work on Monday, taking no notice of the jibes from colleagues about my disastrous date with Mr Cancer. Even Mr Parkinson had a word to say.

‘A crabby crab is not good enough for someone like you, young Amy.’

‘Thanks, Mr P.’

I was actually quite touched. Until he backed it up with, ‘Mind you it would be every man’s dream to be able to climb back into his shell and get away from a woman’s nagging.’

I think that every man must have a rising Cancer sign, as don’t they all do that anyway – retreat when the going gets tough? However, I was not going to be on a hate men mission. I was too partial to my entire bra collection to burn any of them, plus I didn’t think a pair of DMs would suit me. It was a Piscean’s prerogative to change her mind. I would now take control of my own destiny. I had swum right to the bottom of the ocean; I would now swim back up to the surface and the light again.

I decided a change of image was required for this new start. I also wanted to be

looking good for the pending school reunion disco that Anna had persuaded me to go to.

Despite my announcement at the dinner party, I would telephone Christopher and face a new date. The new self-aware, self-confident Amy Jane Anderson would be ready for anyone and anything.

I took an afternoon off, went to the hairdressers and had my hair dyed dark brown and cut into a trendy style. I had a manicure, pedicure and facial. And finally, an hour – long Swedish massage. I was broke by the end of it but I felt good and ready to face anything that the world had to throw at me. It was time to phone Starr & Sun.

‘Oh hi Cordelia, is Chris around?’

‘Amy dear, how lovely to hear from you. How are you?’

‘I’m fine thanks, Cordelia, I’m really fine.’

‘Amy, to what do we owe this pleasure?’ Chris’s voice was animated.

‘I’m ready for another’ I said dramatically.

Fate was however to play its trump card and the ‘another’ I was ready for was not quite the one that I’d predicted!

It hadn’t taken that much persuasion from Anna to get me to attend the school reunion disco.

‘It’ll get you back into the social swing with your new image,’ she had declared the previous Saturday over a cup of coffee at my place.

‘I’ll come with you, Ames. I would hate to walk in on my own if it was me,’ she said caringly. ‘I doubt if I’ll know many people as it’s a reunion for your year, so if you find that you’re having a good time and meeting lots of people you remember, then I’ll leave you to it. If not we can just get pissed together anyway.’

The reunion was taking place in the local Village Hall. This venue had evidently been chosen due to its proximity to the school, plus the fact it could accommodate comfortably the hundred or so expected ex-students.

I felt a flutter of nerves as we walked across to the makeshift bar. A glitter ball was spinning in the middle of the room. Red, blue and yellow lights were flashing and I was thrown back in time to our old school hall and the many discos that took place there. The familiar sound of the 1980s hit my ears. ‘Club Tropicana’ was blaring out. I had forgotten how much I had loved Wham. Thank goodness I didn’t know way back then that George Michael would never have serenaded me personally with ‘Careless Whisper’ – it would have ruined me for life.

‘Amy, great to see you. How are you doing?’ A short blonde girl came running over to me. She was dressed in a pink mini-skirt and a pink and white spotted, cut off T-shirt. It could have been another one of Cordelia’s sisters.

‘Hi,’ I said casually, not having any recollection of her whatsoever.

‘I didn’t realise it was fancy dress,’ I said biding time for my memory to kick in.

‘It’s not,’ the short girl replied, not offended in any way by this comment. It was

then the penny dropped. The freckles, the turned-up nose – it had to be Angela Addington. She had never been very bright although she compensated for it by being the school gossip.

Even way back then she had an appalling dress sense.

‘Angie,’ I said falsely. ‘You look great.’

‘So do you, Amy. Amazing what a bit of weight loss can do, isn’t it?’

Bitch! Angie continued. ‘So what have you been doing over the past decade and a half?’

It was then I realised what a bad move coming to a school reunion was. Did I really want everyone to know that I was still single at thirty-three? Did I really want to tell now complete strangers what I had or hadn’t been doing for the past however many years?

By the third, ‘So what have you been up to? Married? Kids?’ I retreated with Anna to a quiet corner with a bottle of wine.

It was at the exact moment when Michael (the music man) Matthews decided to play ‘Joanna’ by Kool and the Gang that I looked up and there he was. Will, all six-feet of him, with his trademark bright shirt, auburn hair, those beautiful eyes and now sporting a tan.

He was casually leaning against the bar, surrounded by three girls from my old class, laughing, flirting and gesturing wildly. ‘Joanna’ always reminded me of him. One of his mates used to go out with a Joanna and the four of us all used to sing it at the top of our voices as we went somewhere or other in Will’s battered old Mini.

I didn’t think he would be back from his travels so I was pleasantly surprised to see him.

He must have sensed me looking, or should I say staring, as his eyes moved from the girls he was with and he looked straight at me. He smirked, excused himself and wandered over.

‘Just popping to the loo.’ Anna shouted over the music.

‘Hey, Amy, love of my life, have you recovered yet? I have to say it was a bit of a shocker seeing you at the track. Didn’t really think it would be your scene.’

‘Full of surprises, me. I have to say I wasn’t surprised that you would own such a place. How was your holiday, by the way?’ I could have kicked myself then as I’d given away that I had phoned him, hopefully he was too drunk to notice.

‘Great, great, anyway I don’t want to talk about me, how’s Blondie?’

‘If you are referring to Charlie, then I don’t know how he is.’ God, I still fancied him. He had the most amazing smile – and those eyes! Even his freckles were endearing.

Anna returned clutching her stomach. ‘Ames, if you don’t mind I’m going to head off, not feeling too good. Will you be OK?’ She winked discreetly.

Will then interrupted. ‘Anna Anderson, you haven’t changed a bit either. Come here and give me a snog.’ He kissed her on the cheek. ‘Of course your dear sister will be OK. How could she not be in the capable hands of one Mr William Wallingford?’

‘That’s what worries me.’ Anna joked.

We saw my sister off and then Will jumped into the seat next to me.

‘It really is good to see you, you know, Ames. You look great, I like your new hair.’

‘Thanks. It’s weird seeing you again. It’s as if we’ve never been apart.’ I was completely flattered that he’d actually noticed my new hairstyle from the last time we met. But that was Will all over, charming to the core. He then looked at me with those eyes. If I’d been a ‘Funny Face’ ice-lolly I’d have melted all over the stick.

‘It took me six months to get over you running off you know, Ames.’

I didn’t dare confess that after leaving him and running off with Mohican Man I realised what a big mistake I had made.

‘I’m sure it didn’t take you long to fill my shoes,’ I smiled.

‘Obviously I made them form an orderly queue.’ He still smelt the same. That gorgeous warm, musky smell. Time seemed to fly by; nobody else in the room seemed to matter. It wasn’t until ‘Oops Upside Your Head’ boomed out that Will jumped up.

‘Come on, Ames, we’ve got to do this for old time’s sake.’

We hit the floor, Will wrapped his legs around me and I wrapped mine around Phil Jones from 3C. Then we were all swaying from side to side not forgetting one single move. It was just like being at a school disco. In fact, I hadn’t had so much fun for ages.

The song came to an end and we all jumped up laughing.

‘And now, folks, let’s see if we can all smooch like we did back in the good old days,’ Music Michael announced. ‘Smooch’ – it was a long time since I’d heard that word and even longer since I’d carried out the act itself.

Will looked right into my eyes. ‘Fancy a smooch, old bird?’

‘Rude not to, ex-lurver,’ I smiled.

I blame Randy Crawford for me falling in love all over again with Will Wallingford.

As on the first bar of ‘One Day I’ll Fly Away’ he held me gently at first and then kept moving his hands down to my bum and I kept moving them up, just like the old days. I wanted to kiss him there and then but sensing Angie Addington watching our every move and imagining the playground gossip the next day I resisted.

We walked outside together.

‘Need a lift?’ he offered.

‘Thought you were drinking?’

‘I’ve only had a couple, got an early start tomorrow.’

‘Yes, that would be cool, if you don’t mind thanks.’

Gone were the days of getting a ‘backie’ on his bike before he got his Mini.

‘Got the van tonight, I’m afraid.’

At that precise moment I wouldn’t have cared if the delicious Will Wallingford had still got his Chopper! I hopped in to the
W.W. Go-Karts – Dare or be Square
van and felt like a teenager again. We pulled up outside number 21. I wanted to try and be cool but it didn’t seem to matter as even after all this time I felt like I knew him so well.

‘Coffee?’ I enquired.

‘There is nothing I’d like more, babe, but I’ve got an early start tomorrow.’ I’d avoided the girlfriend question up until now but I just had to know.

‘Guess you’ve got to get home to your girlfriend as well?’ I said sheepishly.

The baggage warning signs were ringing on deaf ears again. All I wanted to do was grab him there and then and kiss him.

‘Actually we split up when we got back from holiday. Being together 24/7 made me realise that I fancied the single life again.’

Thank goodness relief didn’t express itself as a noise, as the sound of a red arrows fly past, would have come out of my mouth at that precise moment. Instead I just said,

‘Oh, right.’

‘Come here, sexy,’ Will urged. He leaned over to my side of the van, held my chin up, looked right into my eyes and gave me the most passionate, toe-curling kiss I had ever had in my life. We came up for air after about ten minutes.

‘Wow,’ Will gasped. ‘I’d forgotten just how sexy you were.’ He then looked at his watch. ‘Look, Ames, I really must go but give me your number this time. You’re not running away from me again.’

I dutifully gave him my mobile number.

‘See you later, Alligator.’ he shouted out of the window as he pulled off at breakneck speed.

The next morning I called a conference at Sam’s flat. Katie had now moved in. There seemed to be more candles alight than ever.

‘Thought we needed a good karma as it’s obviously ground-breaking relationship news,’ Katie laughed. It was so good to see her and Sam so happy. Anna had even made it.

‘Stomach all right now sis?’ I asked.

‘Yeah, fine thanks. Just popped another one of Sam’s wonder pills.’

Brad arrived with Jon. H had terrible morning sickness so had stayed at home. Liv was slumped in the corner wearing dark glasses.

‘Yes, yes, I’m here in body, Minger, left a lovely warm Jack in my bed so this had better be good.’

‘Good is too insignificant a word for this one, chaps,’ I announced. ‘I’ve found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.’

I then proceeded to tell them what a wonderful evening I’d had with Will at the reunion and how, just after one kiss, I knew that this felt right. I was so excited.

‘I never believed it before when people said they knew as soon as they met the right person as they got the “this is it” feeling, but now I’ve got it myself. I want to marry him. I love him!’

Sam sounded despairing. ‘Oh Amy, I’m so pleased for you if this
is
it, but do take care. I’m not sure after one kiss you can get us all buying hats.’

I was a bit disgruntled after this comment.