Star Fish (22 page)

‘Three what Amy?’ Liv was getting worried now. We pulled up at the go-kart track. It was in complete darkness apart from the sign announcing Will’s empire to the world.

‘Damn, the gates are locked,’ I muttered. ‘I’ll have to climb over.’

‘Amy, whatever are you thinking of? Look, do you think this is a very good id-’

I didn’t wait for her to finish. I leapt out of the car and, gaining a surge of energy from the anger that was oozing from my every pore, managed to scramble over the gates. I checked that no cars were coming, pulled the three lipsticks I had found earlier out of my pocket and began to write on the sign in large capital letters. When I had finished, I dashed back to the gates and Liv helped to hoist me back over them.

‘Quick, run!’ I shouted as I could hear a car coming round the corner. We jumped into the car and Liv started to laugh hysterically.

‘Oh my God! Oh I’d love to see his face when he arrives tomorrow.’

Glowing in front of us in multi-coloured lipstick were the words:

WW Go-Karts – Dare or be Square

A A

N N

K K

E E

R R

I was now shaking from head to foot with reaction as the adrenaline whooshed around my body. I started to cry again.

‘I hate him,’ I blurted out between sobs.

‘No, you don’t,’ Liv said softly. ‘You love him.’

‘What now?’ I said miserably.

‘You come back to mine, we have a large whisky and I put you to bed. Nothing seems as bad in the morning. We can decide how you tackle Will the Wanker then.’

Even after the large whisky and sleeping tablets Liv had urged me to take, I hardly slept a wink. When I eventually did drop off, I kept having a repeated dream of Will with the blonde girl. I was so, so hurt. I couldn’t understand how he could be so cruel, especially with our history of old. What sense did it make to see both of us? It wasn’t as if it was just a sordid affair he was having with me. He saw our future together; he wanted to marry me. He was the love of my life. I couldn’t see past him.

I began to cry into my pillow. How on earth would I deal with this? I knew I had to leave him, but at this moment in time I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

– Thirty Nine –

Pisces:
How right to distrust those whose motives you thought perfectly innocent. Confront the situation – it’s the only way.

When I woke up I didn’t initially feel angry, just very sad and hurt.

‘What are you going to do, babe?’ Liv asked gently, coming in and sitting next to me with a cup of tea.

‘Oh Liv, I’m hurting so badly. I want to be put in a time capsule for a year so I can just sleep and wake up and find that this has all just been a bad dream.’

‘Look, there may be a simple explanation.’

I knew she was trying to make me feel better. I wanted to scream and shout at him, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere. I would have to go and see him. Remain calm. I would get the facts and walk away with my head held high. I started to cry.

Kissing her goodbye, I went home, made myself look as good as I could under the circumstances and drove to the Go-Kart track. The sign had been cleaned off. I could hear Liv’s voice in my head.

‘On no account mention the sign. He could have more enemies than just you now, the way he’s been carrying on.’

I was shaking as I walked over to the office. I could see Will on the phone smiling and chatting away. His face lit up when he saw me.

‘Vince, give us a moment, mate.’

Vince ambled out of the door grumpily.

‘Shut it behind you,’ I ordered.

‘Amy?’ Will looked at me quizzically. ‘What’s the matter?’

I ignored his question and started my prepared conversation.

‘What does monogamy mean, my darling?’

He began to shuffle on his chair. ‘One woman, one man, isn’t it?’

‘Correct,’ I said. ‘And what do you think about monogamous relationships, Will?’

‘Amy, I’m not sure where you’re going with this?’

‘Answer me,’ I demanded, anger beginning to rise within me now.

‘Well,’ he faltered. ‘it’s the way it has to be, I guess.’

‘So why the fuck are you still seeing your ex then?’

I had so wanted to be calm but I then completely lost it and with my anger came floods of tears.

‘How could you have lied to me so badly? How dare you shag me as well as shagging her? And even worse, all those false promises. What planet are you on, Will?’

My tears of anger were being exchanged for tears of complete hurt.

‘I can’t tell you how stupid you have made me feel. I believed you. I loved you. I loved you with a passion so great I’d have done anything for you. You are my soul mate. My true love. How could you?’

Will put his hands through his hair in despair. ‘Amy, I am so sorry.’

His beautiful eyes began to fill with tears and for a brief moment I wanted to draw him to me to comfort him. Even though he had hurt me so badly I still loved him with every inch of my body and soul. In a way I had wanted him to deny it, explain that the blonde woman wasn’t his ex but a long-lost sister. As he continued, I could hear Liv’s voice again: ‘Let him do the talking, Ames. Find out everything. At least if you have the facts it will be easier to get your head round it and get over it without having unanswered questions keep popping up in your head.’

Will began to talk. ‘I can’t deny it. I do still love Tania.’ I gulped. ‘But,’ he reached out to hold my hand but I pulled it away, ‘-but not in a passionate way. I’ve been with her a long time, Ames. She’s my friend more than anything else. We haven’t actually had a physical relationship for the past six months – we’re more like mates really.’

‘Bullshit!’ I exclaimed.

‘I’m telling you the truth here, Ames. Please believe me.’

‘So why stay with her then?’ I questioned angrily. I couldn’t fathom any reason in this bizarre admission.

‘I guess because I’m a weak bastard and I’m scared of hurting her.’

‘Surely she knows there is a big problem if you are not sleeping together?’

He faltered again. ‘She thinks we can work it out. Thinks it’s just a phase we’re going through. Thinks it’s because I’m tired all the time, because of work. It’s not like we don’t get on. I’ve just fallen out of love with her. Please understand, Amy – please.’

I felt better that he hadn’t been sleeping with her, but maybe this was just another Will Wallingford lie.

‘And the rented flat?’

‘OK, I did look to rent a flat, but then thought there was no point as I would be leaving Tania soon anyway.’

‘See? You are a fucking liar,’ I screamed.

‘Please believe me on this though, Amy. I did mean everything I said to you. I love you. I want you. You are everything that has been missing from my relationship with Tania.’

‘A good shag you mean,’ I replied abrasively.

‘No, no. I do want to be with you, I’ve just got to time things right to avoid causing hurt to another human being who I do care about.’

‘Oh, how noble of you,’ I said sarcastically. ‘I think putting this poor girls life on hold why you shit on her behind her back is possibly the most hurtful thing you can do to anyone. Let her go, let her get on with life, surely – that is the kindest thing to do? But oh no, poor Will, how is he going to cope without Tania in his life? Poor fucking selfish Will. You may say you’re just friends with her, but it’s obvious from what you are saying that she still wants you.’

I took a deep breath.

‘If truth is beauty, Will Wallingford, then at this moment I am looking at the ugliest person I have ever met.’ I stood up and through gritted teeth told the biggest lie I had ever told in my life. ‘I never EVER want to see you again.’

‘Don’t do this to me, Amy. Don’t walk out on me. I love you so much.’

I turned and ran out of the door; tears were streaming down my face. Will ran after me and grabbed me by my shoulders.

‘I’ll leave her – I’ll tell her tonight. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again now. I let you go once – I’m damn sure I won’t do it again.’

I released myself from his grip.

‘Don’t waste your breath. Just leave me alone, Will. Just leave me alone.’

– Forty –

Pisces:
You’re always the care; let somebody else look after you for a change.

In protecting my own self-worth I had caused the biggest self-destruction I had ever experienced in my whole life. I had always thought the expression ‘a broken heart’ was a myth but the pain I was physically feeling inside made me think that one half of my heart had dropped into my stomach. My whole being was engulfed in the loss of one person. The effect of losing Will was so devastating that I had to take a week off work. I couldn’t eat – had no appetite. I could think of nothing else but Will. I missed him with my whole being. I kept breaking down in tears. I spent hours in bed. At least when I was under the safety net of my duvet I could try to sleep and forget about everything.

Nobody could console me. The gang would pop round in shifts and just hold me whilst I sobbed uncontrollably, hearing the same words from me over and over again.

‘I still love him.’

Brad was my rock as usual. ‘I know you love him, Amy. Look, you’ve always said to me that we should follow our heart, and if you do decide to forgive him then I won’t judge you, you know that.’

Will phoned repeatedly. I rejected his calls. He knocked on my door many times; I refused to open it. As much as I loved him, I realised that I could never trust him again, and I had to move forward with my life. I asked Brad to contact him for me.

‘Just tell him from me that the kindest thing he can do is leave me alone.’

– Forty One –

Pisces:
Your intuition will tell you how best to act today. Honesty is the best policy in affairs of the heart.

During that terrible week of heartbreak, Christopher had also kept contacting me, assuring me that I was a beautiful person and that I would find someone who really loved me honestly. He urged me to meet him for a drink.

‘It’ll do you good,’ he promised. ‘You can’t stay locked up at home for the rest of your life. I’ll be in your local at one o’clock on Sunday afternoon, so no pressure. If you feel like it then come in and join me.’

It was a relief to see kind, comfortable Christopher sitting at the bar of The Lyndhurst Arms. He gave me a hug when I walked in. ‘What are you drinking?’

‘Just a Diet Coke please, oh and a packet of crisps.’

My appetite was slowly returning. I had lost half a stone in two weeks.

‘Quail flavour?’ he joked.

‘I don’t think quail will ever pass my lips again,’ I smiled feebly.

‘There you go, it’s not so hard to smile, is it? You’re looking great, by the way.’

I knew I looked a complete minger, but his kind words did make me feel better.

We chatted about nothing in particular for a while. I noticed that Christopher was knocking back the lagers.

‘Are you OK?’ I enquired.

‘Fine, fine,’ he said breezily. Then: ‘Actually I’m not Amy. I’m drinking because I’m nervous.’

I frowned uncomprehendingly. ‘Nervous? About what?’

‘I’m not quite sure how to say what I’m going to say next but I can’t keep it in any longer. The timing is shit I know but you have to hear me out. It’s time I came out of my cave.’

For some reason I laughed. ‘You Tarzan, me Jane and all that?’

‘If only,’ he replied.

I then realised exactly what he was about to say and I was very scared.

You know when we had dinner and I told you I had met a special person.’

‘Yes,’ I said, giving one slow, deliberate nod.

‘Well, that special person is...’ He paused for breath. ‘It’s you, Amy.’

My emotions were so mixed up at the moment that I thought I was going to cry.

Christopher went on. ‘From the minute you walked into the agency I knew you were special. You’ve got vibrancy about you, Amy. You are a joy to be with. You are funny, you are caring. You are also extremely sexy.’ He paused again. ‘It was agony setting you up on dates, and if I’m honest I did actually pick people I didn’t think you would get along with.’

‘Christopher!’

‘I felt so guilty when Declan fleeced you, and although I know that what has happened between you and Will wasn’t down to me, I can’t bear the way that he has destroyed your self-confidence.’

It all made sense now. His interest in how I got on with my dates. The dinner. The flowers. The constant phone calls.

‘I’ve got a cheque here for you – the agency fee back because I feel such a fraud.’

‘I don’t want your money,’ I said, suddenly feeling really sorry for him. ‘It’s been a fascinating few months and I’ve had a lot of fun along the way. At least it’s proved to me that star sign compatibility doesn’t always ring true.’ Visions of wicked Kieran the Scorpion Docherty suddenly flashed through my mind. I knew in a minute that I would have to address the matter in hand here but was delaying it as long as I could.

‘Another drink?’ I asked airily.

Christopher took my hand in his. Oh my God, I thought, and really wished that some wind would get trapped in my colon right now.

‘I know you’re still getting over Will but he’s gone now. You’re far too lovely to be treated so badly. How about we give it a go, Ames?’ he faltered. ‘This is me, plain old Christopher Starr. I know that I may never make your heart rush like Will, but what I can do is always be here for you. I will never cheat on you and my love for you will always be complete.’

I shut my eyes for a second to try and stop the tears that were welling behind them.

As if he gauged my thoughts he continued, ‘We can take it slowly, I promise. Nothing heavy, just me and you against the world.’

I pulled my hand away from his and brushed my hair back off my face. I wasn’t sure how I could turn him down without hurting this lovely human being. Sense and reason said that he would be everything I needed in a man. He was good-looking, and if I was honest with myself I could fancy him. More importantly he was kind, genuine and honest, and if I did give it a go, I could maybe grow to love him in time. However, this wasn’t enough. I couldn’t compromise and it wouldn’t be fair on him to do that anyway. He was right; he just didn’t have the Will ‘wow’ factor. He didn’t make my heart rush when I looked at him. He didn’t make me laugh just by a single expression. Yes, I fancied him, but I didn’t have that urge to jump on him wherever I was and have mad, bad sex. Thoughts of Will brought back the familiar empty ache in my stomach. I was still mind-blowingly in love with him despite everything that had happened.

‘Amy? Say something, anything,’ Christopher urged.

I took a deep breath and smiled falsely. ‘I still can’t believe you sabotaged my dates.’

‘Amy, stop being funny. You always do this to cover up your real feelings.’

He was right. When faced with a difficult situation I tried to laugh my way out of it. I owed it to Christopher to be honest.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said quietly. ‘It’s not that I don’t find you attractive, I do. I also like you a great deal. You are a genuine, kind person and you have always treated me with respect. It’s just…’

‘Just what?’ Christopher asked, knowing that he wouldn’t want to hear the rest.

‘I am still very much in love with Will and I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘But you’ll get over him, Amy, and then what?’

‘I don’t want you putting your life on hold for me,’ I continued. ‘I know you could make me very happy but…’ I faltered again. ‘Christopher I don’t know how to continue without hurting you.’

‘Just say it, Ames.’

‘I just don’t feel you would ever be “the one”.

Christopher gave me a watery smile.

‘I’m so, so sorry.’

He composed himself. ‘You’ll always be special to me, Amy,’ he said quietly. ‘If you’ve ever got a problem, I’ll be here for you.’ He stood up and I grabbed his hand.‘Don’t say that as if we’re never going to see each other again.’ I panicked.

‘If you don’t mind Amy, I will take a bit of time out from meeting up with you. Call it cold turkey if you like. We may be mates in time. I just need to sort my head out for now.’

We walked out to the car park. I gave him a huge hug and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Don’t you be a stranger for long, you. Do you want to wait at mine for a cab?’

‘No, I’m going to walk home. Could do with some fresh air.’

‘OK,’ I said, trying to keep things light.

He hugged me again. It felt lovely to be held so close by somebody who genuinely cared for me. He pulled away and looked into my eyes.

‘I love you, Miss Fish.’

I bit my lip and my already broken heart shifted and bled again.

‘I know you do.’