Star Fish (17 page)

– Twenty Nine –

Pisces:
A dramatic change to your lifestyle could be on the cards.

I woke up feeling as if I had been run over by a steamroller. My head was thumping and I could barely move my legs. I looked under the covers to check they were still attached to my body and gasped as between my knees were the biggest bruises I had ever seen.

There was no way I could go into work. What on earth was I going to say to Mr Parkinson? ‘Sorry Mr P but I got drunk and threw myself round a go-karting track last night and I cannot walk.’ I’d have to consult Anna. She was the world’s best liar when it came to sick time.

‘Morning, dear sister.’

‘You’re up early, Ames. How was your date?’

By the time I had finished telling her she was in absolute hysterics.

‘Glad I have the support of my sister when I lose the use of my limbs,’ I said, laughing.

‘Cool seeing Will again though, wasn’t it?’ She had really liked him when I went out with him all those years ago.

‘Yeah, it was good to see him. I still think he’s gorgeous, but he’s got a girlfriend and after the Kieran débâcle I’m not ever going to go down that road again.’

‘It seems as if he’s keen for you to contact him though.’

‘Yes, but you know what I’m like. I don’t think I could just have a polite chit-chat evening with him. I’d want to jump him!’

‘Amy, sometimes I don’t think we came out of the same pod, the things you come out with!’ Anna exclaimed in mock horror. ‘Anyway, back to your skive excuse. Go straight through to Mr P, firstly do the bit that you realise that you have had a lot of time off lately and you are really grateful for his support. Then say that you have woken up with the most horrendous period pain and feel that you need to stay in bed with a hot water bottle and will see him Monday. Men never question period pain.’

‘Good one, Anna, I shall do that. How are your bowels, by the way?’

‘I forgot to tell you – Sam got me this homeopathic pill and I seem to be cured. Shitted for England the first few days I took it but it seems to have sorted itself now.’

‘Lovely, glad I’m not eating my Coco-pops!’ I laughed. ‘See you soon.’

‘Yeah, seeya and good luck with Mr P!’

Before I rang work, I took a couple of painkillers and ran a hot bath to soothe my aching limbs. When I checked my mobile for messages, the text message sign was flashing. Two messages. The first one was from Brad.
GOOD RIDE
? The second was from Charlie.
HOPE YOU’RE NOT TOO SORE. CALL ME xx.

I sank into the bath and let out a sigh of relief as the pressure was taken off my aching limbs. Good old Anna, thinking of the period pain excuse. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it myself, must have been that bump on the head. It was then that an awful realisation overtook me. I sat bolt upright in the bath and squealed in pain and also fear.
My period had been due three days ago.

‘Stupid, stupid cow,’ I said out loud.

How could I have let this happen to me again? I felt my boobs to see if they were tender. They felt normal. I pushed my stomach in to see if it felt any different. It seemed the same size. I was never late.

I got out of the bath, regained my composure and phoned Mr Parkinson on his direct line, speaking the script my sister had prepared for me. It made me cringe telling the period pain lie, especially as I might not be suffering from the curse for the next nine months.

I got back into bed and for once instead of going in to my usual Piscean emotional state I began to think logically. I was thirty-three years old. I had my own house, a good job and fantastic friends and family. I would be quite capable of bringing up a child on my own. Nobody need ever know it was Kieran’s. I could say that it was a one-night stand. On the other hand I was an adult; I could make my own decisions. I could have an abortion and nobody would ever know about it. It was when I thought about this option that I did start to cry. I had lost one baby in traumatic circumstances; there was no way that I was going to lose this one too.

However, I was too terrified to go and get a test. At least not knowing for a little while would stop me having to make a decision. I didn’t feel strong enough to have to face the enormity of this situation just yet. In true Piscean non-confrontational fashion I said to Pen, ‘I’ll wait a week. I can face it in a week.’

Then I put on my smiley mask and put my best fin forward to carry on as normal.

Later that week, Charlie rang and insisted that he took me for Sunday lunch. I couldn’t face going on the bike again so said I’d meet him at The Lyndhurst Arms, which was just down the road from my house.

‘How are your legs?’ was the first thing he said as he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. I had worn a skirt especially so I could show off my bruises and get the sympathy I thought I deserved.

‘Bloody hell!’ he exclaimed.

I bruise very easily but even I was surprised at the size and depth in colour of these beauties.

‘Let me get you a drink to compensate for leading you into such danger.’

I know that I should have said that I wanted an orange juice; however the words,

‘Large glass of dry white wine, if that’s OK?’ came falling out of my mouth. My self-destruct key had been pressed and there was no stopping me. Charlie Boy matched me drink for drink.

‘Looks like the bike’s staying here for the night,’ he smirked a couple of hours later.

‘You do have a double bed don’t you?’

‘Of course I do,’ I leered back.

Oh God, I was back to my serial shagger status. Where were my morals. I was with child and was already contemplating going to bed with another man. Charlie was certainly good-looking and his boyish charm and excitable ways were adorable. I hadn’t had sex on a Sunday afternoon for ages, and just the thought of it was making me feel like grasping my bruised knees to me in anticipation. Alcohol had yet again made me reckless. Again, I blame my alcoholic tendencies on being a fish. I had been reading one of my astrology books in bed the night before as I had worked out that my child was likely to be a Gemini. I skipped to the Pisces chapter and read,
Too many Piseans have a tendency to find relief in alcohol. It’s a dangerous vice as it lulls them pleasantly into a false sense of security.

Oh, how true this was this afternoon. As we walked Charlie’s bike back to my house and parked it safely in the front garden I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world.

As soon as the front door was closed he put his arms around me and started kissing me passionately. I drew away.

‘Wow, I forgive you for everything after that,’ I laughed.

‘You’ll forgive me for even more once you have a puff of this,’ he said pulling a huge joint out of his jacket pocket. I was actually quite shocked. I had let quite a sheltered life in the world of drugs. In fact, my only experience of smoking a joint was at Reading Festival ages and ages ago. Will had been the instigator of this. I remember giggling my head off for about ten minutes, then falling headlong into his lap, snoring, as a group of us sat round a campfire.

‘I don’t smoke,’ I said innocently. ‘This might make me want to start again.’

‘Oh come on Amy, the odd puff won’t hurt. In fact, it will make you feel really good.’

After choking on the initial drag I began to enjoy myself. It was quite wonderful to feel the rush of nicotine again, and I realised how much I had missed smoking. It was also quite wonderful to suddenly feel so mellow and that life was just so, so good.

‘Charles Collins, you have seen me in action on the Go-kart track: you are now going to see me in action on the stage.’ I stood up, joint in hand. ‘Please put your hands together for an Amy Anderson joke.’

Charlie clapped ferociously and I handed back to him the now nearly finished cause of my outlandishness.

‘OK, are you ready?’

‘Ready’ he replied seriously.

I then started giggling uncontrollably. ‘This is just such a funny joke.’

More uncontrollable giggling from both parties now. We finally both managed to stop laughing.

‘OK, quick, go go, tell it now,’ he urged.

‘OK, OK. Right, there are two turtles.’ I then proceeded to stick out my bottom lip as far as it would go. ‘This is the first turtle speaking.’ I tried to explain with my lip still sticking out, which made me sound like a dalek. More hysteria. ‘“When it rains,”’

I tried desperately not to laugh. ‘“Do you get water in your mouth?”’

I then changed into the second turtle and curved my top lip
over
the bottom one as far as it would go.

‘OK, this is the second turtle speaking now.’

With my lip still curved and my body bent, assuming the look of a turtle, I now sounded like Zippy from
Rainbow
as I delivered the punch line.

‘“No.”’

This was the only joke I ever remembered. H had told me it years ago and it still made me belly laugh. No one else ever seemed to find it that funny but in our current state Charlie and I did not stop laughing for at least ten minutes.

Once we had calmed down I put on some soft music and snuggled up to him on the sofa. He smelt really clean. I put my hand up his shirt and started to stroke his chest. His skin was really smooth. I love smooth-skinned men; hairy chests and backs are an instant turn – off to me.

‘I tell you what,’ Liv had once confessed on a girly night out, this guy I was seeing called Gary Simmons was so hairy everywhere – and I mean
everywhere
– I used to wake up after a night of passion and, no word of a lie, I used to cough up a fur ball!’

There was no chance of this with Charlie. Despite it being broad daylight I shut the curtains. I didn’t feel giggly now, just completely mellow.

‘Massage time, I reckon CC,’ I said to him seductively.

‘Yeah, baby,’ he mumbled.

I pulled off his shirt and trousers. He was firm in all the right places and I could see just how turned on he was. I felt slightly empowered being fully dressed and pleasuring him with my massage techniques. He moaned softly as I made sure that I didn’t miss any areas.

‘Now let me see, I think your friend down here wants kissing.’

By now I felt completely horny. Drunk, stoned and with George Michael playing in the background, the atmosphere was just right. I pulled down his Calvin Kleins (full approval on this front) and began to suck him gently at first. Then with a degree of urgency I used my tongue to increase his pleasure.

‘Wow!’ He exclaimed time and time again. I was enjoying giving this sexy beast pleasure. Then disaster struck. Just as I knew he was about to come, without warning my head started spinning like a waltzer at a fairground.

‘Shit – sorry,’ I shouted as I ran up the stairs two at a time and promptly threw up in the loo. Afterwards, I put the toilet lid down and sat slumped on it with my head towards the floor. I cannot remember ever feeling this out of control. I was almost incoherent when Charlie, now fully clothed, appeared in the doorway.

‘I’m sho sorry,’ I slurred.

‘No worries, Amy. Manyana and all that.’

‘I feel so ill,’ I wailed. My head was whirling and I felt sick again. As quickly as I could, given my condition, stumbled off the toilet seat, pulled the lid up and proceeded to throw up again.

– Thirty –

Pisces:
A lucky escape today makes you reassess your whole life.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up on a cold, bright October Monday morning. I looked over to the other side of the bed, as the awful memory of the night before started coming back to me. Thankfully, it was only Penelope lying there. I had the worst hangover I’d ever experienced. My throat was sore from retching and I felt thoroughly distressed at how badly I had behaved.

I still had my shades on when I sat down at my desk. There was no way I could ring in sick again. Unfortunately, Sam had taken a day’s holiday and Liv was nowhere to be seen. I needed the pair of them more than anyone this morning.

I got myself a coffee and switched on my computer. I could barely sit upright I felt so terrible. I was supposed to be sourcing a venue today for a dinner for fifty people at a top West End hotel, but there was no way I could talk sense to anyone. I kept my head down, as I couldn’t point it any other way anyway and just pretended to be typing away. Good job Mr Parkinson was so short-sighted; even if he had looked over my shoulder he wouldn’t have noticed the pages of kdalfjjjjgja’kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkadgjapoeiadnm that I had typed.

Liv strolled in at ten. It was her turn to be flushed! She gave me one of her looks and sat down at her desk. Rules are that if you are late you don’t chat so as not to wind up Mr P further, instead you just get straight on to email.

Dear Minger

I don’t think I’ve ever seen you looking so rough. You OK?

By the way Jack is an absolute angel and he’s certainly not a good Catholic boy
!

What with the go-karting accident and being preoccupied with my own selfish problems, I hadn’t even wished Liv a good weekend with Jack. I never usually forgot something like that and felt really bad about it. She knew something was badly wrong when all I replied was.

Dear Liv

I’m in a bad way and it’s not just a hangover. Let’s meet in the caf for lunch at 12. Glad you had good w/e.

The Café just down the road from our office was myself and Liv’s legendary meeting place. Inhabited by builders and truckers by day and cockroaches by night, it was, despite its seedy appearance, a godsend for hangovers. I have never tasted a better fry-up or cheese baguette and chips anywhere in the world. Mrs Higgins approached our table. She was five foot nothing tall and her waist circumference was about the same. She had a constant smile on her face.

‘Afternoon, ladies. By the look of you, it’s cheese baguette and chips times two.’

‘Spot on Mrs H, thanks,’ replied Liv.

‘Can I have a fat Coke as well please?’ I added. ‘Oh Liv.’ I put my head into my hands.

‘What is it, babe? If you shagged the Lion it doesn’t matter. You said he was cute and it doesn’t make you a bad person.’

‘I wish it was that simple.’ I took a deep breath and paused. ‘Liv, this is serious. I think I’m pregnant.’

For the first time in a long time Liv was speechless. She got her thoughts together, put her arm on mine and said, ‘OK, we can sort this together. Surely not from last night, so I guess it was Dublin?’ I nodded. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before, you stupid cow?’

‘You know what I’m like. I thought if I didn’t face it then it would go away.’

‘How late are you?’

‘About a week.’

‘Right, as soon as we’ve eaten we will go and get a test and I will come round yours straight after work.’

After enduring the longest afternoon in the history of Jenkins Software, for the second time in my life I pulled open the foil wrapper of a pregnancy test. Liv waited outside the bathroom. I was terrified.

‘Have you done it yet?’ she called through the door.

I appeared looking ashen. ‘You hold it and look, Liv. I so know it’s going to be a blue line and I cannot face it.’

After an hour-long minute Liv looked down at the test, then looked at me. ‘There’s no line, nothing, nada. You’re OK, Ames.’

‘I hope I peed on it properly. These home tests are evidently extremely accurate but I’m still not convinced.’

An hour later, after getting an emergency appointment at the doctor’s I ran out to Liv’s car, this time smiling profusely.

‘I’m fine,’ I told her exultantly. ‘There’s no baby. With all the stress and the travelling to America and then Dublin and back in such a short time it’s affected my cycle, that’s all.’ I let out a huge sigh of relief.

‘Halle-bloody-lujah!’ Liv exclaimed. ‘I think we should go for a drink to celebrate.’

‘Actually Liv, do you mind if we don’t? I still feel like shit and I’m worried that I’m drinking too much at the moment.’

‘Ames, you’re scaring me now. Please don’t tell me you’ve become a vegetarian and will go to church every Sunday as well!’

‘Don’t be silly. I just think I should take a bit more control over where I want my life to go from now, that’s all.’

‘All right then, Ames, for starters promise me condoms all the way from now on. I don’t think I could go through a day like this again!’