Starless Nights (Hale Brothers Series Book 2) (41 page)

“Leila.” Her eyes return to mine and my heart breaks and melts at the same time. “Please don’t cry.”

She looks back at the candy in her lap and sniffs.

Trying to think of something that will make her happy or lighten the mood, I say the first thing that pops into my head. “Did you know that for most people, if you pinch the skin under your elbow as hard as you can, it won’t hurt?”

Her eyes flip my way and a small smile graces her lips. I made her smile.

“So what are you doing out here?” I ask her as I reach over and cover her hands with one of mine.

She looks up at me through her eyelashes and her eyes scan my face. There’s uncertainty in them but there’s determination too.

“Plotting out fifty different ways I plan on getting you back,” she says so matter-of-factly.

This makes me to chuckle. I honestly didn’t expect her to say that. “Oh yeah? So what have you got so far?”

She lets out a deep sigh but gives me a tiny smile. “For starters, I plan on sitting outside your door until you let me in. I don’t even care how long it takes.”

My smile grows a little bigger. “Kind of hard to do from here, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, which is why I just finished booking my flight back.” She pulls one of her hands out from under mine and flashes her phone at me. “It leaves tonight.”

“Is that so?” Angling my body a little more toward her so our knees are touching, I flip her other hand over and lace my fingers through it.

“Yes. Come tomorrow morning, you would have found me on your doorstep.” Her voice catches. She swallows, licks her bottom lip, and turns her head away to look out over the water.

“I would have been happy to see you,” I say quietly, watching her.

Her fingers squeeze mine and then another tear appears and rolls down her face.

“Lei, please
please
don’t cry.” I tug on her hand so her eyes come back to mine.

“I can’t help it. I’m just so sad,” she whispers out, dropping her head a little.

“I don’t want you to be sad anymore.” I run my thumb across the back of her hand. Her hands are so soft.

She turns to look at me. “Beau . . . you don’t understand, it’s all I can think about. The things that happened to you and the part that I played in it, I’m stuck right now and I can’t move past it. My heart hurts so much for what you went through. You are the one person in this world that I never want to hurt, and I hurt you in the most horrible way.”

More tears drop and with my free hand I reach up and wipe them away.

“But it doesn’t matter anymore and all of that happened a long time ago.” I scoot a little closer to her. The closer I can get, the better.

“Yes, it does.” She lets out a sigh. “It mattered a week ago when you asked me to leave and I have to live knowing that this is entirely my fault. I read the first part of your journal. All of the things that happened to you, how you were feeling, I wasn’t there for you . . .” She frowns and her chin quivers. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry for how I left things between us last week. I was angry and confused. I think that maybe the sum of all of my emotions from the last six years finally caught up to me, and it wasn’t one of my finer moments. I hurt you when I asked you to leave, and
I’m
sorry. I know this week hasn’t been easy on you. It hasn’t been easy on me either. I must have had a million different thoughts running around in my head, confusing me, but now all of that is gone and I’m certain about a few things.” I shift again and gather both of her hands in mine. I need to touch her and I need to hold on to her. “The thing is Lei, you didn’t know at the time and that’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for all of this, I don’t want that for either of us. We were both lied to and now it’s over. It’s in the past. The only thing that I ever wanted to know was why? Why you left me. And I finally have all the answers. I can’t live with what-if’s and I can’t have regrets . . . and neither can you. If I would’ve known then what these last six years were going to be like, but in the end, I would make it here, to this bench with you, I would make the same decisions every single time.”

She’s studying my face, searching for something, but I’m not sure what. Eventually she blinks and then swallows. “I hurt you,” her voice is so grief-stricken it makes my chest ache.

“Yes, and I hurt you.” She needs to know that she’s not alone in this.

“It’s not the same. I know deep down you deserve so much better, but . . . I can’t and,” her eyes lock on to mine, “I won’t let you go.”

Hearing her say that she’s not letting me go, I’m rewarded with a warmth that is soul deep. I’ve only ever wanted her to want me. This makes me so happy. I’m flying high.

“Yes, it is the same. And just so we are clear, you do deserve me and I’m not letting you go either.”

She inhales sharply and her eyes grow a little bigger.

Silence hangs between us. She’s watching me and I’m watching her. Her big blue eyes sparkle and then she leans into me and tucks her head in my neck. I wrap my arms around her and just hold her. I want to hold her forever.

“So, last year, after my dad went to jail, Mom thought it would be a good idea for her, Matt, and me to go to family counseling.” She pulls back to watch me talk. “This psychologist actually said a few things that stuck with me. She said that when children are abused emotionally, physically, or both, that a lot of the time they have relationship difficulties and trust issues. If you can’t trust your parents then who can you trust? And I think that maybe some of that slipped over into our relationship. For years, he told me that I wasn’t worth anything and no one would ever want me, including him; especially him. I’d always felt that I wasn’t good enough for you, so when you didn’t come after the fire,” I shrug my shoulders and let out a sigh, “I just gave into it.”

She takes her hand and runs it over the side of my face and down my arm. “I’m so sorry, Beau. I never should have listened to her. I have always thought that you are the best person in my whole world, and in general, I don’t think the world is good enough for you. You’re kind, generous, thoughtful, loyal, and so loving.” The sadness seeps back into her as she collects her thoughts. “I broke us and I’m afraid. You just mentioned trust, and once the trust in a relationship is broken, it can never be repaired.”

Leaning forward just a little and placing my elbows on my thighs, I look directly at her. I want to be eye to eye, not looking down at her. I need to see in those beautiful crystal clear eyes of hers.

“Oh, Leila you didn’t break us and I do trust you. You know better than anyone that there are very few people I trust, but those that I do, it’s because they would never have the heart to lie to me. You didn’t lie to me. We both listened to people whose hearts were never in the right place. We should’ve known that. Excluding what my mom said to you and your letter, our problem over the last couple of years, was a fear of communication, not trust. I believe in you and not for one second would I ever hesitate sharing my deepest feelings and fears with you. In fact, I have. Even through all this mess, you were the one I wanted and you are the only one I’ve ever opened myself up to. Trust for me is someone who is honest, reliable, gracious, and good. You are all of these things to me.”

“Beau . . .” her eyes get watery and the tension in them eases slightly.

“Leila, I don’t want to feel broken anymore. You’ve always been the one to put me back together, but I should have been the one to put us back together. In the end, it all comes down to insecurities. You should have had more faith in me and I should have had more faith in you. After removing the heartbreak of that letter and the fear that you were leaving me, I should have known that something must have happened, and I should’ve tried harder to contact you. You were my best friend and I didn’t treat you like it. You deserved better.”

Letting out a sigh, that seems to push her forward, Leila lays her forehead against mine.

“I never should have listened to your mother,” she whispers, shaking her head. “Looking back, there’s no way you would have left without trying to say goodbye to me, and had you caught wind that I had been in a fire, I know you would have come for me. I made a mistake by shutting down and closing off the ‘you’ part of my life. If I had talked to anyone else, I would have known. You were my best friend and I didn’t treat you like it. You deserved better.”

My fingers tangle in her hair as I breathe her in. Her eyes have slipped shut and she’s chewing on her bottom lip.

For years, I wanted her to take responsibility in hurting me, but now that she has, I just want to take it all away. I don’t want her to feel guilty and sad. She said that she wants me, but I can tell that she’s still nervous I might walk away. Looking around and seeing that the beach is still completely empty, there’s only one thing that I can think of to show her exactly how much I trust her, and it’s time.

“I WANT TO show you something.” He looks at me hesitantly and then moves to the edge of the bench. Never breaking eye contact with me, he takes a deep breath and then reaches up over his head to his back, and pulls his T-shirt up and off. For just a split second I see the fear of rejection is his eyes, and then it is gone. Knowing how difficult this is for him, I refrain from showing him any kind of emotion.

I’m frozen watching him. I haven’t seen Beau without a shirt on in over six years, and even though he is wearing pants, to me right now, he is completely naked. His chest and stomach are pale in comparison to his arms and face. It’s easy to see that he never takes his shirt off. Gently, he takes my hand in his and places my palm flat over his heart. I can feel it pounding in his chest. It’s beating frantically and this causes me to move my eyes from his chest to his eyes. His eyes are wary but I can see he is certain that he wants to do this.

My hand trembles under his. His skin is warm and I can’t help but to lean into him again and lay my head on his shoulder. His free arm wraps around me to pull me closer and my other arm moves around him to hug him tighter.

My hand lands on his back and over part of the scar. He tenses and so do I. Neither one of us moves.

A breeze blows by, ruffling the hair on his forehead and the sea oats make a swooshing sound in the wind. Picking my head up, his eyes lock onto mine. He’s watching my reaction to the changes in his skin very closely. I raise my head a little higher and place my forehead against his. Slowly, I move my hand from his chest, under his arm, and around to his back.

Without even seeing the scars, I can feel how prominent they are. No wonder he is so self-conscious of them. Gently, with my hand flat, I rub up and down his back. Soothing him similarly like one would a child. My fingers slip in and over the contours of his skin. Some areas are smoother than others and my eyes drift shut as I take in the feel of finally having him, just him, in my arms.

“No one touches me.” His voice is quiet and shaky. “No one has touched me since the day they cleared me from rehabilitation.

“Do you want me to let go?”

“No Leila, I never want you to let me go.” He tilts his head and his lips brush and settle against mine. It is such a tender kiss from him that my heart squeezes.

Calmly and affectionately, I continue to slide my hands up and down his back. He’s shaking and his breathing is hard.

“I want to show you,” he says to me as he leans back.

“Only if you are sure. I don’t ever want to make you uncomfortable.”

He doesn’t say anything in return. He pulls my arms from around him and slowly turns around. I smother and swallow down a gasp that I want to let out. My eyes blur with tears and cautiously, I lift my hand and lay it on him.

His hands grip his thighs as I gently begin to trace the outline of the Summer Triangle. Yes, the scar is there, and it breaks my heart because I know it’s there because of me, but it’s not what has left me speechless. He’s tattooed our stars on his back.

“You need to understand,” he says. “When I see you, I see beautiful. I see calm. My heart smiles. No matter what we have been through, just the thought of you brings me peace. Yes, the scars are there and they are permanent, but Leila so are you. On bad days when I turn around and see what has become the ugliest part of me, I don’t see the scars, I see the stars. I see you instead. I had these stars tattooed on before you even moved back to the island. You are my North Star and with you I always feel grounded and like I am being lead home.”

I don’t know how to respond to what he just said to me and my mind has gone blank. He’s right, the scars are there but I don’t see them either, I only see the stars.

“They are beautiful,” I say to him, while running my fingers over them again. I desperately want to kiss each one, but I know that would cross the line with him today. He’s already taken such a monumental step toward me, I would hate to push him more out of his comfort zone that he already is.

He turns back around and wraps his hands around my head. “You are beautiful.”

“I’m sorry, Beau.” And I am. I’m so sorry for all that he has had to go through and for all that I missed out on. I wish that I had been there for him, just like these stars. A knot forms in my throat.