Starting Fires (37 page)

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to let him go. So I agreed.

Mr. Yudeski offered me a job. One of the women out on maternity leave decided to stay home with her baby. If I thought he would have allowed it, I would have hugged him. After my graduation, Lucas and I were able to be around each other on a regular basis without it being awkward. I could sit next to him without getting nervous. We could smile at one another without one of us looking away in pain. From time to time, we even held conversations about our day.

If he was at my house when I came home from work, I didn’t want to run to my room and hide. And often, I would sit with him while he and my roommates watched TV. If he stayed for dinner, I cooked for him and didn’t mind if he sat at the table next to me. For the most part, it felt like maybe we were starting to become actual friends. I don’t know what that meant for us in the future. Maybe it was too late for anything more to ever happen, but I was glad that at least he wasn’t becoming some vicious ex-lover that I would have to regret.

It had been a couple weeks, and I was finally making good on my promise to go to the bar and do his books. His car was waiting for me as I pulled in. Inside, he was sweeping the main bar area, and had a mop bucket off in the corner. All of the chairs were up on the tables. “Don’t you hire someone to do this for you?” I smiled at him.

“Yeah,” he said. “But they suck. I need to hire someone else. I left all the receipts and invoices on my desk for you. Let me know if you have any problems.”

If felt strange to settle into his chair after so long. How many times had he and I snuck back here, hell bent on extinguishing the flames burning inside us and becoming lost in each other? Too many times for me to even count. This is where he sat the first time he ever told me he missed me. In the back room, we shared our first kiss. On the stage in the bar was where I first heard his beautiful voice. Burns was as much a part of our relationship as we were. Every room held some sentimental meaning to me. I rubbed my face to end my train of thought and delved into the task.

By 4:30, I had finished. Everything was printing and I was standing, stretching my arms high overhead as I waited. Lucas popped his head in the door. “Finished up?”

“Yep,” I smiled and lowered my arms. “No problems. But you know, now that I have a degree, I can charge you double what I used to. Maybe even triple.”

“So free bar tab won’t cut it anymore? The amount of alcohol you would have to consume…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I laughed. “I still don’t mind doing it for free. You don’t have to pay me.
Or
give me free drinks.”

While he filed the paperwork, I went out to the bar to see if Kate was working. We weren’t really friends, and for the most part, I thought she was kind of a bitch, but now it was more in an endearing way. To my disappointment, it was Gwen behind the bar.

She huffed when she saw me, not even hiding her eye roll. “What are you doing here?” she asked.

“Uh. Lucas asked me to come do his books. What’s your problem?”

“Nothing,” she practically spat at me. Her scowl disappeared when Lucas walked into the bar, transforming into a smile. She asked if I wanted anything to drink. I took a Coke and watched her eye him as he walked around the room, making sure all was right before he opened the bar. It was obvious what her problem was, but if one of us was going to be spiteful, it should be me. I was certain that she had hooked up with Lucas after he and I had ended, not the other way around. “Hey Lukie are you working with me tonight? It’s been so long since we had a shift together,” she smiled at him, her voice going up an octave.
Lukie?
Gross.

“No,” he said, not looking at her. “I’ve got plans.” She pouted and busied herself with wiping down counters. Deciding that I wanted to leave, I went back to the office to grab my purse. As I was pulling it out from under his desk, I heard her heels clicking towards me.

“There’s no point to you coming here,” she told me from the doorway. “We don’t need you to do the books. Lucas has been letting my cousin do it, and it’s been working out fine. He just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Save him the trouble and tell him you can’t do it anymore.”

“Well, he asked me to come,” I said. “So your cousin must be doing a shitty job.”

Her eyes blazed and she was about to say more, but then Lucas was behind her. “What’s the problem, Gwen?”

“Oh, nothing,” she smiled back at him, flipping her hair. “I was just telling Marzy about-”

“Marlowe,” he corrected her. “And I heard you. If I want her to do the books, she will. And I
want
her to.” She hugged the doorframe as she pouted at him. “You can leave,” he said.

With a huff, she walked off and he gave me a wide look. “I’m sorry,” he said, walking into the room. “I don’t know what her issue is.”

“Yes, you do,” I said.

He looked guilty for a second and then said. “Yeah, I do.”

“
Lukie?”
I smiled, making fun of him and trying to make this situation less uncomfortable.

He gave a light chuckle, but I could tell that he didn’t actually think it was funny. “It was just the one time, and we didn’t even have-”

“Stop,” I said. “I don’t want to know about it. It’s none of my business.”

“Right,” he said and smoothed his hands along his pants. “Before you go, there’s something I want to give you.”

He pulled open a drawer and handed me a picture frame. In it was the photo Lacey had taken at my graduation. “Aww,” I said. “Lucas, I love it.” Ian and Lacey were at one end, his arm wrapped around her shoulders and smooshing their faces together. They looked sweet and in love. Wally and Nicole were at the other end, his arm draped over her shoulders, his mouth open, mid word. Nicole had her hip jutted out with a radiant smile. Charles was crouching by her side, flexing his bicep. And Lucas and I were in the middle, his arm around my waist, and his jaw resting against the top of my head. Given everything that had just transpired, seeing it made my throat feel tight. “I need to go, but thank you,” I said as I walked out of his office. “It’s perfect,” I told him in lieu of goodbye.

He was smiling sadly as he propped against his desk. As I turned the corner to take the back exit, I heard him say, “So are you,” softly.

 

Chapter 31

T
he summer was
bringing happiness. Work was going well, and my friend was getting married. But there was still a void in me. I found myself looking forward to every Saturday at Burns. I even arrived early, hoping that Lucas and I would have time alone. Why? I don’t know. Because I never talked to him about us. I didn’t flirt with him or give him shy smiles. We rarely even spoke. And on some level, I knew that if
he
tried to talk to me about us, I would stop him. I didn’t know what I wanted, or what I was doing. I was being stubborn and only hurting myself.

In a few days, we were having a barbeque to celebrate Ian and Lacey’s upcoming nuptials. I knew that Mia would be there, so I invited Paul.

“You want me to go to a wedding shower for Lacey and Ian?” he asked. “I don’t even know them.”

“I know,” I said. “But… Mia will be there. I thought maybe you’d want to see her again.”

He raised his eyes to me, tapping his pen against his desk. This was his
I’m thinking deep thoughts
move. “Did she ask you to invite me?”

“No,” I said. “But I know she’d like to see you.”

He looked thoughtful. “How old is she?”

“21.”

“Marlowe, I’m 29.”

“So. Maybe she’ll be turning 22 soon. I’m not sure when her birthday is.”

“Yeah, and then maybe I’ll be 30. She’s too young for me.”

“Why? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. She’s an adult. What’s age matter anyway?”

He sighed. “Eight years is a big difference. Especially where she is. 21? Do you remember being 21? It was all bars and clubs. She has so much to figure out. There’s no point to even starting anything.”

“What happened to ‘
I just don’t want to be alone anymore
’?” I asked.

“I realized how stupid it is.”

“Alright. Fine.” I took a sticky note from his desk and jotted her number down. Yes, I memorized it for this exact encounter. “If you change your mind, give her a call.”

Even though he tried to hide it, I saw the wheels turning. He was thinking about it.

Nicole was flitting from room to room, putting white frilly decorations on everything. All of the clichés were hit. Wedding bells. Doves. Dual rings. Lacey couldn’t take it anymore. No matter where she told her to put something, Nicole came back with, “Don’t you think it looks better this way?”

After the fifth time, Lacey rolled her eyes and grabbed my arm. “Come on,” she whispered, and led me up to my room. When the door closed, she fell back on my bed with a thump. “She’s driving me crazy,” she said. “God, love her,” she laughed, “but I’m about to punch her in the face.”

“She’s really getting into this,” I said, sitting beside her.

“I know. And I’m glad. I’ve hardly had to do anything. But she’s sort of taken over.”

“Want me to tell her to stop?”

“No, no,” she sighed. “She loves this. It’s not that big of a deal to me. I just need to get away for a second.”

I wondered if she was nervous. In a little under two months, she would be a Mrs. not a Miss. “Are you scared?” I asked. “About getting married I mean.”

Wistfully, she looked towards the ceiling. “No.” On a heartfelt sigh, she moved into a sitting position. “I wish it didn’t have to be so fast, but I’m not scared. This is what I want.”

“Why
is
it happening so fast?”

“You know about Ian’s dad?”

“A little. I’ve heard Lucas and Charles talking about it before, but I don’t really know what’s happening with him.”

Her legs crossed under her. “He has lung cancer. It was in remission but returned. Ian’s afraid that he’s going to be gone soon. He wants him to be there for this, and so do I.”

That was heartbreakingly understandable. “Poor Ian,” I said.

“I know. We dated, Ian and I, a long time ago. We were only in high school. I knew his dad then. The difference is hard to see.” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “But I’m happy that he’ll get to be a part of this.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about you and Ian?” I asked. “I mean right from the get go that you two had a history.”

“Gosh,” she smiled. “We were just kids then, and I was a completely different person. We didn’t exactly end well, so I wasn’t sure how he would receive me being around again. But then he acted as if he didn’t even remember me. It was so embarrassing that I didn’t want to say anything.”

“What changed?”

“It was in New Orleans.” A bashful smile passed over her face. “The night we stayed there, he told me that he’d never gotten over me. Of course, I was shocked. But then some
things
happened.” Another red-faced smile. “We started doing what you and Lucas were. Hiding it.”

They were much more successful. Or maybe I was just blinded by my own issues to care about what she was doing. I was a shitty person.

“And after a while,” she continued, “something just changed. He was all I could think about and I would get so excited every time he was near me. It changed for him too. Around Valentine’s Day he told me that he loved me. That he was
in
love with me. And I realized that I was in love with him too.”

“I’m happy for you,” I smiled. “But can I ask you something?” She nodded. “How do you understand what he says? Half the time I can barely figure the words out.”

“He
is
quiet,” she laughed, “but I could hear his voice out of a thousand.” The love she felt was clear. It was in every smile, and every word. It shone out of her skin like a beacon, and made me painfully aware of the absence of it in my life.

We came downstairs after Nicole had finished decorating. Our house was covered in white. My table had a tower of cupcakes on it with a few presents scattered around them. My gift of ten purple plates was sitting off to the side. Ian and Lacey were going to be getting their own place and had already signed a lease on an apartment. Lucas would be all alone in his house now.

As I turned the corner into my kitchen, I saw him, propped against the island, his back to me. Maybe it was the atmosphere in the house or maybe it was hearing Lacey express her deep love of Ian, but when the contours of his back, the expanse of his shoulders, and the abandon of his messy hair all hit me, I audibly expelled all my breath. The sound drew his attention. Over his shoulder, he smiled.

I bit my lip and smiled back, moving to his side. “What did you get them?” I asked in a whisper, not wanting Lacey or Ian to hear.

He leaned towards me, putting his mouth right next to my ear. Slowly, he answered, “A new bedroom suite.” The deep huskiness of his tone, made my toes curl.

He didn’t move away, and I turned to
his
ear. “That makes my plates look pathetic.” His light chuckle gave me butterflies.

Neither one of us were moving, and the quiet conversation was done. There was no point to our faces being this close any longer. An overwhelming desire to reach out and hug him washed over me. Just a hug. Long and tight, feeling his arms encircle me. Instead, I took a step back, moving to sit on the counter across from him. We were still staring at one another. Would I stop him if he reached out and touched me? Or if he moved to stand in between my legs? I didn’t think so. But he didn’t do either. He ran a hand across his mouth then walked outside, away from me.

The cupcakes had been consumed, the presents had been opened, the barbeque had been eaten, and now the alcohol was flowing. It was strange to watch Ian and Lacey interact in public. Since they’d announced their romance, I’d hardly seen them.

Ian never stopped smiling, his hands always finding some way to touch her. The way they looked at each other… Most of the time, I couldn’t even watch them without feeling as if I was intruding on some private moment.

“It’s sweet, isn’t it?” I heard Lucas ask over my shoulder.

“It is,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me about them? Lacey said you knew.”

“Would you have told me?” he smiled. I quirked my lip, tilting my head to the side. “That’s what I thought.” Wally barged by, pushing him into me. I didn’t pull away when his arm touched mine, and neither did he. “I almost did a few times, though,” he continued. “I thought it might have been fun for us all to do something together. Plus, it felt silly that you both couldn’t be at our house at the same time.”

It was odd talking to him so casually about us in the past tense. Maybe we’d actually reached the friend zone and all the past was just that, the past. We were moving on. What would I do if he started seeing someone else? “I would have liked that, I think,” I said.
Please don’t start dating anyone else. I’m not ready for it.

I didn’t want him to see the sadness in my eyes, so I walked away, going up to my room. I sat on my bed, a pillow clutched around my stomach. I was so selfish. This was supposed to be a happy day, a day of celebration, but I couldn’t see past my own problems. And I knew that no matter how much I chastised myself, I wouldn’t be able to. The sparrow pendant was sitting on my nightstand. I held it up against the violin around my neck. I’d long since given in and started wearing it daily, but I missed feeling the sparrow there too.

When my phone vibrated in my pocket, I realized that I’d been wallowing in self-pity for thirty minutes. It was a text from Kate, looking for Lucas. She’d sought me out when she couldn’t reach him, thinking that we would be together. Something in my heart twisted. Did everyone still view us that way? I wondered if Charles texted him when he couldn’t get in touch with me.

He’s at my house,
I told her.
I’ll tell him to call you.

I found him, along with everyone else, in the kitchen. He and Wally were talking. Only his profile was in view, but his heartfelt laugh was still beautiful. “Lucas,” I said, stepping up to him.

“Yeah, baby,” he said, turning his smile to me. Realizing his word choice, his face looked only a little embarrassed, but then his eyes softened.

The word affected me.
Baby.
Such a simple thing that I’d heard him call me too many times to count, but my face still felt hot. “Kate texted me,” I said. “She’s looking for you.”

“I left my phone at home,” he said, stepping closer to me. “Do you mind if I use yours?”

Our necks were both craned to lessen the height difference, his down and mine up. His deep brown eyes were looking into mine—seeing much, I was sure. The only thing I was capable of thinking was how magnificent it felt to have him look at me like that. Right now, it felt as though I was the only thing that mattered to him. Just me. Everything else was cast aside as he gave me every part of himself. It was there, all I had to do was reach out and take it. Was it just as painful for him to stare into my eyes?

I felt his finger lightly trail down the back of my hand. He’d asked me something. What was it? “Oh, yes,” I said, laughing off my silence. “Here.” I handed him my phone and took a step back. To have some privacy he walked into the living room, though he didn’t have a reason to. Everyone was perfectly quiet.

“Hey, it’s Lucas,” I heard him say. “I’m using her phone… Because she’s with me… No… Stop it. I assume you need me for a reason.”

Across the room, Nicole was staring at me, her eyebrows drawn way up. I rolled my eyes and grabbed one of the remaining cupcakes.

“Soooooo…” Wally said. “That was interesting.”

“Shut up,” I muttered through a mouthful of food.

Conversation resumed but for the rest of the night, I felt on edge. Alcohol would have only made my feelings worse so I stayed away from it.

As I was walking up the stairs, calling it a night and going to bed, Lucas met me at the top landing. Awkwardly, we stopped and stared at one another. “I’m going to bed,” I said.

“Yeah, I’ll probably head home soon.” When he didn’t say more, I squeezed by him. I was a few feet away when he added, “Wally just told me about a concert he wants to go to in a couple of weeks. Wanna come with us?” There was no reason for me to think about it. I already knew my answer was yes, but I didn’t respond right away. “I’m driving. You can ride with me.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Okay,” he smiled.