Steeling My Haart (11 page)

        
“Emma,
please, let me explain…” he replied, the pain and regret clouding his face
instantly. He started to walk toward her and stopped as she cowered further
away from him, like a small, frightened child.

        
“There
is really no need, Bruce, just leave. I know I asked for it tonight and for
that I am very sorry. It’s my problem and I’ll deal. I’m sorry to have put you
in this position.” She sniffed as she rolled away from him and curled into a
tighter ball, grabbing a pillow from the bed and hugging it tightly.

        
“Emma,
you did nothing. It’s my fault. All that bullshit tonight on the text and it’s
ruined our evening and now I’ve gone and ruined everything. Stay, please. I’ll
pack and I’ll be gone by the morning. You won’t have to see me again if you
don’t want, but please I’m so sorry. I’ve led you on too and it’s unfair. Oh God,
this is all my fault. Fuck!” He shouted as he turned to leave the room.

        
Looking
up, Emma felt a little stunned. “I was the one who jumped all over you, Bruce,
so I should be the one to leave. Let me sleep this off and I’ll be on the first
flight out of here in the morning. You have been nothing but a gentleman today
and I’ve repaid your kindness with my appalling behavior.”

        
“Emma,
if only you understood… You are beautiful and are the most amazing person I
have ever met, but it was as much me as you, trust me. Fuck! I don’t know how
to say this or whether I should, but I guess now is as good a time as any… I’m
gay, Emma, and I’m very much in love with another man. I don’t know what point
I was trying to prove today, but certainly hurting you was not my intention at
all.
 
I don’t know what has come
over me.” He raked his hands through his hair again and turned towards the door
as he carried on verbalizing his thoughts. “You didn’t deserve that, and I
think I was possibly trying to prove a point to my father in my own mind. I
don’t know. Please, Emma, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for using you, for making you
believe I was interested in you, and most of all, for getting carried away just
then. I have no excuse, and being an asshole doesn’t make it all right. Lou
threatened to leave me by text tonight if I don’t come clean to my father, but
I think I’ve blown it all. Lou is packing now and leaving me until I can get my
shit sorted and now I’ve totally screwed up everything for you, too.”

        
Sobs
wracked his body as he leaned towards the wall beside the door and slid down,
collapsing to the floor in a crying heap. Emma jumped up from the bed and knelt
in front of him. She threw her arms around him, pulling him tight to her.
 
She rocked him gently like a baby, tears
streaming down her own face at her own stupidity and in sympathy with his
desperation.
 
“Shh, Bruce, it’s
going to be okay. I’ve got you,” she soothed and stroked his hair tenderly
whilst he took hold of her and wept uncontrollably, soaking her beautiful dress
with his tears.
 

        
Many
minutes passed as the two distraught figures sat on the floor of the hotel
suite that evening. Both of them dealing with their own demons and using each
other as a strange source of comfort after the unfortunate events that had led
to their individual meltdowns.

        
Making
a move to stand, he lifted Emma to her feet and quietly spoke, “Come with me, I
think we both need a drink and it’s confession time. I’ll tell you everything
and hope that you can forgive me for what I’m about to say to you.” Slipping her
trembling hand into his, she acknowledged him by giving him a shaky smile and
led him out to the huge couch overlooking the strip. It was late and they had
already consumed a lot of alcohol but they didn’t need to be at the conference
until late morning, but she sensed Bruce needed a friend and a shoulder to cry
on as much as she did that night.

        
Curling
up in the corner of the L-shaped couch and clutching onto an overfilled, throw
pillow, she watched Bruce pour two large brandies from the decanter on the
sideboard. He handed one of the full glasses to her and reached for a blanket
he found and draped it over them as he took a seat.

        
He
took a long drag of the dark liquid as he turned away from Emma, staring into
the distance out of the huge window in front of them. After clearing his throat,
he said, “I was at an all-boys boarding school, when I realized I wasn’t into
girls like the others. I was never bothered when the other boys used to share
stories of conquests and couldn’t care less when they tried to share their
stash of dirty magazines. Instead, I found myself as a hormonal teenager
struggling during our sports lessons. I probably don’t need to tell you, but as
the guys all grew older and their bodies changed and sports lessons, in
particular, became my worst nightmare. You can imagine what it could have been
like for me as a teenager with raging hormones and having to share locker rooms
with other teenage boys. It was nothing short of torture.” He paused to take
another long drink of the brandy and continued,

        
“I
had no one to turn to.
 
How could I
say anything to people at school? I would have been ridiculed, bullied, and
most certainly ostracized.
 
It took
all of my effort to just get through until I left for college. Anytime an
obstacle was put in my way, I had to simply put up and shut up.
 
That has always been my father’s motto,
and it still is today. There was no way then, and even now, that I could even
mention this to my parents.
 
My
mother is a pretentious society wife who enjoyed the status of being married to
my father, and well, you know my father…” He stood and started to pace the
floor, agitated.

        
“So,
I had to get through three painful years at school, each day becoming more
withdrawn and more of an outcast as I couldn’t join in the normal teenage boy
discussions. College was better.
 
I
was away from home, and in a place where being gay wasn’t taboo like it is
elsewhere, but I had to hide myself.
 
I had a few secret relationships there and it was when I really knew
what I wanted. I still had to be really careful because of my father, though.
He was, and still is, a very generous donor to the business foundation there
and he has friends in the right places. He could have crushed me if he ever
found out, just like he would now. I’m almost past caring now though and he
certainly doesn’t scare me like he did all of those years ago. I’m not the
scared little boy I once was and I certainly am not confused. Do you realize
you are the first woman I have ever kissed?” He stopped pacing long enough to
turn to her and as she was quietly nursing her brandy, listening to his story.

        
“I
don’t know whether to be honored at that or not,” she tried to joke.

        
“If
I wasn’t gay, Emma, I’d have swept you off your feet the moment I met you. Some
guy is going to be very happy the day you settle down with him, he truly is.
You are beautiful, and even though I’m not into women, I can see how absolutely
amazing you are,” he admitted.

        
Emma
blushed. “Thanks, but we all have our secrets, Bruce, and I am so touched that
you have shared this with me.”

        
“You
might not when you hear what I have to say.” He appeared to hang his head in
shame and inhaled deeply before continuing. “I planned this trip to be just the
two of us. I planned to seduce you, as best I can, to get my father off my
case. I feel like a king-sized asshole for that and I need to get this off my
chest. My father has expectations, as I mentioned to you earlier, and he has
dropped more than enough hints that he would love to see you and I get together
and marry. Because I take you to all of the trade functions, he thinks we
already have a secret thing going on and I feel ashamed in more than one sense
that I haven’t set him straight. You have been a useful excuse for me to sneak
around and meet Lou. I am so sorry, Emma, I truly am. I hope that you can
forgive me, and I will do everything that I can to set the record straight I
promise,” he admitted.

        
“Oh,
Bruce, I am sorry for everything that has happened tonight, but I am truly
touched that you have shared this all with me. Trust me when I say I’m here for
you, too. For the record, I’m pretty glad now that tonight happened and that
I’ve been able to be here for you. Don’t you worry about me, I’m a big girl and
I will get over this I promise.
 
But
you need to do something for me?” She smiled weakly as she looked up at him.

        
“Anything,
Emma, just name it.”

        
“Get
Lou back. He obviously means the world to you. I saw how defeated you were this
evening when you got that text. Don’t make the same mistake I did and let the
one thing you love the most in the world walk away and leave you broken.” She
said with a voice filled with emotion.
 
Her lips started quivering as another flood of big fat tears ran down
her already wet cheeks.

        
“Hey,
don’t cry for me.
 
And I wish it was
so easy, but I think I’ve burned all my bridges with Lou after tonight. God, I
don’t even know where he has gone, but I can’t do anything right now, being so
far away. His phone is off and the last message I got was pretty final.” The
sadness and regret in his voice broke Emma’s heart just a little bit more.

        
“You
have to do everything you can if you really truly love him, Bruce. I let the
best thing that is ever likely to happen to me walk away and I’ve regretted it
for the last eight years. Do whatever you can to keep him if you know he is the
one. Unless there is something more important to you than him, you have to
fight,” she almost shouted, then downing the rest of the brandy she stood a
little too quickly and tried to get to her bedroom, her cheeks now wet with the
constant stream of tears.

        
“Steady
there.” Bruce reluctantly slipped his arm around her waist and moved her back
to the couch as she stumbled. “You know I’m a great listener, too. I knew from
the moment we first met that you are shouldering a lot on those pretty
shoulders. I’m here if you want to talk.” The genuine concern on his face
blasted the walls that Emma had built to keep her emotions in and the
floodgates opened.

        
“He
was my life. He literally saved my life twice in one night, then made such
sweet love to me I almost broke. But the morning after, the bastard just up and
left me with nothing more than a letter. A fucking letter.” She paused and took
a deep breath just as Bruce across the couch to sit next to her and took her
hand in his, rubbing his thumb up and down across her knuckles in a soothing
motion, urging her to continue. “Do you remember the super-storm that hit
Oklahoma back in 2008? The one that killed many people and completely destroyed
much of Glen Springs?”

        
Bruce
nodded and said, “I remember that, it was a dreadful night and made the
national news. I was with Lou that night, we had only just started seeing each
other and I was sitting snuggled up to him on his bed. He was pretty moved by
the scenes we were watching on the television.”

        
“I
was right in the middle of it, with Charlie. And if it hadn’t been for him, I’d
be dead. He was my high school sweetheart and I loved him with all my heart. We
were so happy. I’d loved him right from the moment I saw him in the school
cafeteria. He was amazing, and you know when you meet someone and there is that
spark? Well, it felt like I was on fire when he looked at me that first
time.
 
Seriously, as if I broke out
in blazing flames all over my body with that one from him look across the
crowded room. That was the nickname I gave him, Blaze, because when he looked
at me that very first time it felt like my skin broke out in an inferno it was
that hot. I never got the chance to tell him that.
 
He used to ask me all the time why I
called him that.” She laughed a single bitter laugh.

        
“What
happened? Why did he leave you?” he asked.

        
“Well,
after that first meeting it was a few months before I saw him again. He was so
shy and often missed school. I later found out he was the sole caregiver for
his disabled mom.
 
His father had
left her pregnant and alone with Charlie. She and her brother Hank did the best
they could with Charlie, but she suffered badly with arthritis. Charlie was
juggling school and a handful of after school jobs he had to keep them afloat.
I occasionally heard random things about him from the gossip mill at school.
You know what high school can be like, right? Anyway, the more I heard about
him, the more I kind of fell for him. Then one day I literally bumped into him
in the hallway and I just blurted out that I’d like to go out with him and from
that moment we were inseparable.” She paused again to take another sip of the
refilled glass of brandy.