Step Up (4 page)

Tameka

A baseball
cap on my head and dark sunglasses on my eyes, I waddled through the mall in search of a shoe store. I was in desperate need of a new pair of sandals and some fresh air, which was why I allowed my friends to drag me out into public for the first time in months. The only place I'd been was my prenatal exercise classes that took place every Saturday morning, and everybody there was pregnant so there was no need in feeling out of place. Going to the mall was a different story, but my friends weren't taking no for an answer, and I had run out of excuses. “Now aren't you glad you got out of the house?” Indigo asked. “Being stuck up in there can't be healthy for you
or
the baby.”

“I agree,” Asia added. “You were depressing me.”

“What does it feel like? Being pregnant, I mean…” Jade asked.

“I don't know, like you're fat or something,” I said. “I'm miserable when it's hot outside, which seems to be every day now. I'm depressed a lot. I can't fit into any of my clothes anymore, and then I look at you heifers and you all have on sexy shorts and cute little tops and I wanna strangle you.”

“It's only temporary,” Tymia encouraged. “After you have the baby, you'll have your body back.”

“I don't even know my body anymore. It's like I don't know who I am anymore,” I said. “And it's sad that I have to go through this alone. Mommy goes to my exercise classes with me. And she'll probably go with me to my Lamaze classes when they start, since Vance is not here.”

“Lamaze?” Tymia said. “What's that?”

“They're childbirth classes,” Indigo answered for me.

“Teach you how to breathe,” I added.

“You don't know how to breathe?” Asia asked.

“Yes, silly, I'm talking about breathing during childbirth.” I laughed. “You learn a lot of things at these classes. Like how to handle the pain of childbirth, too.”

“Wow, pain…I don't know if I could handle the pain,” Jade said. “I can't stand to get a paper cut.”

“You?” Tymia said. “I can't even stand the sight of blood.”

“You also watch childbirth videos and you learn about breast-feeding.”

“Breast-feeding?” Indigo asked. “Are you going to breast-feed, Tameka?”

“Thinking about it,” I said. “Breast milk is healthier for the baby.”

“Won't it make your breasts sag like an old lady's?” Tymia asked.

“No. Who told you that?” I asked, not quite sure about it, even though I was pretending to be an authority on the subject. I hadn't really given much thought to the fact that my breasts might sag.

“It just seems like all that milk weighing your breasts down might make them sag. But I guess if the baby's sucking all the milk out of 'em, they might not sag so much,” Tymia said.

“I heard that breast-feeding really hurts,” Jade said.

“Can we change the subject?” I asked, and then stepped into the air-conditioned shoe store. With Vance's basketball jersey covering my swollen belly, and maternity shorts that crept up my backside, I went straight for a pair of leather sandals that had a clearance sign in front of them. I picked them up and observed the heel.

“Would you like to try them on?” the salesclerk asked.

“Yeah, let me see a size seven,” I said. Then remembering that my feet were swollen and I had been borrowing Mommy's shoes, I added, “Better bring me an eight.”

My friends started browsing through the store as I took a seat and waited for my shoes. Incognito behind my shades, I hadn't even seen Keisha Taylor from the dance team walk in. Wearing a tangerine-colored tank top and very short denim shorts, her fingers were intertwined with Chuck Brown's. Chuck was on the school's basketball team and had been her boyfriend since Christmastime. I hid my face as they walked past.

“Tameka, will you please tell this chick that Omarion is way finer than Bow Wow.” Tymia and Asia were arm in arm as they approached, having an argument about something ridiculous. Blowing my cover.

Keisha's head swung my way. She'd obviously recognized Tymia and Asia.

“Hey y'all, what's up?” she asked.

“Hey, Keisha, I thought you were going to San Diego for the summer,” Asia said.

I stood and walked away. Started browsing through the clearance rack, pretending to look at more shoes.

“Naw, plans changed a little bit,” Keisha said. “I gotta go to summer school instead.”

It seemed that she was following me around the store because within seconds she was on my heels.

“Is that you, Tameka Brown?” she asked. “Somebody told me you were pregnant.”

Could she have said it any louder? It was as if everyone in the store stopped what they were doing and looked my way. My sunglasses hadn't been very good at hiding my identity or my embarrassment.

“Yeah, it's me.”

“Wow, you're big,” she said reaching for my stomach. “How many months are you?”

“Thirteen weeks,” I answered reluctantly.

“How does that average in months?” she asked, not even realizing that she was all up in my business.

“You do the math,” I said and then walked out of the store, not caring that the blond salesclerk was standing there with my size-eight sandals.

I walked and walked, without any destination in mind. I just needed to get out of the store and away from Keisha. I needed some fresh air and headed for the doors of the mall. I rushed outside and plopped down on the nearest bench. Something inside of me wanted to cry. I wished I was at home where I was safe—safe from all the nosy people who would judge me because I had made a mistake. They would judge me because I chose to keep my baby instead of aborting it. Who gave them the right to think they were better than me?

My phone started buzzing. No doubt it was my friends wondering where I'd disappeared to. I just needed to be alone. It was too soon to be out in public, and I'd tried explaining that to Indigo. She just didn't understand my situation. She wasn't the one who was pregnant—too big to fit into any of her clothes. She wasn't the one on an emotional roller coaster every single day, wishing her boyfriend would at least call and check on her.

I hadn't heard from Vance in three days. I'd stopped
leaving messages because he obviously wasn't interested in returning any of them. He was busy; I knew that, but he had no idea what I was dealing with—carrying his baby and not having any support from him. This was just as much his responsibility as it was mine. Yet I was the only one dealing with the consequences of it.

My phone buzzed again. I stared at the screen as Indigo's name flashed across it. I answered.

“Let's go,” I said. “I'm ready to go home.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

“I'm outside,” I said. “Sitting on a stupid bench!”

I didn't mean to take it out on her—my anger, my hurt, my humiliation, but she just happened to be the one on the other end of the phone.

“We'll be right there,” she said and then hung up.

 

The ride home was quiet as Asia maneuvered her mother's Chevy Malibu down Jonesboro Road. It seemed like the longest ride ever as she pulled into my driveway.

“Thanks for the ride,” I said and opened my door.

“I'm gonna stay here,” Indigo said and hopped out the car, too. “Y'all go ahead. I'll have my daddy pick me up later.”

I didn't protest and didn't ask why she was staying. In a way, I was glad that Indigo decided to stay with me. I thought I wanted to be alone, but the truth was I needed the company. Needed to feel like my life was still just as normal as it always had been, as normal as my friends' lives. I needed to be that same old Tameka from the dance team, the one who could shake her booty better than the rest of them.

The two of us headed for my front porch and watched Asia put the car in reverse and pull out of the driveway. I opened the front door and we both stepped inside. After removing our shoes, we went upstairs to my room. I col
lapsed onto my bed. Indigo sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed my iPod.

“Sorry about the episode at the mall,” I said. “When I saw Keisha I just lost it.”

“It's okay. I understand,” Indigo said. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I'm just not ready for the world to see me like this—all fat and out of shape. It's so embarrassing, waddling around the mall like this,” I explained.

Indigo gave me a strange look. “You know you're going to have to get out there at some point, right?”

“I know. But I'm just not ready yet.”

“School starts in August, Tameka. What're you going to do then? You can't hide in your house forever.”

She had a point.

“I mean, it's not like you're the first teenage girl to get pregnant, Tameka. Everybody makes mistakes.”

I didn't have a response. Everything she was saying was right. In fact, I'd already played the same thoughts in my head a million times. It didn't make waddling through the mall any easier, though.

“Look, girl.” Indigo rubbed her palm against my stomach. “You have a baby growing in there. He or she needs you….”

“She,”
I interrupted. I already knew the sex of the baby.

“She? For real?” she asked.

“Yeah, it's a girl.”

“Cool!” Indigo exclaimed. “Well,
she
needs you right now. She doesn't need for you to be ashamed of her. You decided that you wanted to keep your baby instead of getting an abortion, right?”

“Yep,” I said.

“So you gotta live with your decision. No matter what.”

Her hand was still on my stomach when the baby kicked.

“Did you feel that?” I smiled.

“Was that a kick?” Indigo asked. “That girl is tripping! Acting like she's a football player instead of a dancer.”

We both laughed. I was glad that Indi came home with me. I felt better with her being there—not so alone.

“Indi, will you go with me to my next exercise class?” I asked. “I love my mama to death, you know that. But she's not the best exercise partner. She's bossy.”

“Mel's bossy?”

“Yeah, she's getting carried away with this baby. Making sure I eat right and stuff. I can't even have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in peace. And you know that's my favorite candy. And I better not even think about drinking an orange soda. She goes ballistic!”

“She's just making sure the baby's healthy.”

“Yeah? Well she's driving me crazy,” I said. “Acting like she's the one giving birth.”

Indigo laughed and fell backward onto my bed next to me. We lay side by side, our eyes facing the ceiling. She grabbed my hand in hers; our fingers intertwined.

“Yep, I'll go to your exercise class with you. I'm here for you…whatever you need me to do.”

“Thanks. Right now, I just need a friend.”

We lay there in the middle of my bed, our eyes looking at the ceiling. We talked about everything under the sun—from our boyfriends, to dances that we did on the dance team, to fashion and how I can still look hot in maternity clothes. Getting through this time was going to be tough, but I felt better knowing that Indi had my back. Everything was going to be just fine.

Vance

Dressed
in a green polo shirt and a pair of denim shorts, I sprayed lots of cologne on my neck and chest. I rubbed my palm across my clean-shaven face and brushed my waves. I looked down at my green-and-white Jordans and knew that I looked good. I was just minutes away from my first frat party when my phone started ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket and gazed at the screen. Tameka. To answer it meant I'd have to explain why I hadn't called her since the day I arrived on campus. I'd have to explain that practices had me exhausted most days, and when I got some downtime she was the last person I wanted to talk to. All she ever wanted to talk about was the baby and her pregnancy and how she always felt bad. She always wanted to know where our relationship was headed, or if college was going to change things between us. She would kill my party mood.

I let it roll into voice mail. I promised myself that I'd call her after practice the next morning. The next morning would be Saturday, and after Saturday morning practice Jaylen and I had plans of cruising over to the mall just to check things out. There wouldn't be the stress of having to get to class and I could talk to Tameka in peace. She would have to wait
until then, I thought as I rubbed lotion on my ashy legs. Before I could finish, my phone rang again. Tameka. Again. My heart began to pound. Something must be wrong if she's calling back-to-back like that, I thought. I stared at the screen for a moment, debating on whether or not I wanted to kill my mood. A frat party was calling my name, and the girls who had invited Jaylen and me to the party would be waiting for the dances that we promised them.

“Yo, what's up?” I asked as I picked up the phone.

“What's up with you?” Tameka asked. “Why haven't I heard from you, Vance?”

“I just been busy. With practice and everything. I don't have a lot of time on my hands, Tameka,” I explained. “How you been doing, though?”

“Not good. This pregnancy thing is really hard for me, Vance. It's cramping my style. And then, I don't even hear from you anymore. It's like you just dropped off of the face of the earth when you went away to college,” she whined. “Vance, what's up? I thought you said you would be there for me.”

“I am here for you, Tameka. But I'm down here trying to play ball right now.”

“Did you forget about me? Did you forget about the baby?” she asked.

“No, I didn't forget about you or the baby. I think about you every day.”

“I can't tell, Vance. You don't call…you don't text. I'm just down here doing this by myself and I feel so alone sometimes.”

“I'm sorry. I'll try and do better,” I told her. I had to keep her calm, it was the best way. “You forgive me?”

There was a long pause—as if she was contemplating the answer.

“Yeah, I forgive you.” Her voice was sweet again. Not nagging like it'd been earlier. She sounded like the Tameka
that I'd fallen for in high school. The one who would kiss me and turn my world upside down. The one who was carrying my baby in her belly. A baby that neither of us were ready for. I was facing a new lifestyle that included dirty diapers and formula, not frat parties like the one I was headed to.

“Yo, man, let's go!” Jaylen burst through the door wearing khaki shorts and my red Coogi shirt. A Budweiser in his hand, he yelled, “You ready to party or what, dog?”

I shook my head no, giving him a clue that he should shut up. I pointed at the phone and he got the hint and covered his mouth as if to say
I'm sorry.
But it was too late.

“So, you on your way to a party?” Tameka asked, attitude in her voice.

“Yeah, they having this little frat party tonight. Me and Jaylen are thinking about checking it out,” I admitted.

“So, you got time to make plans for a party, but you ain't got time to call and see how I'm doing?” she said. “So, you down there just kickin' it while I'm here pregnant, with swollen feet, can't even leave the house because I'm too ashamed that somebody might see me?”

“You got it all wrong. I'm not down here partying! This is my first party since I been here. Every day I'm at practice, and I don't even have time to grab a bite to eat before I collapse in my bed. I got summer classes and I barely have enough time to study,” I explained. “Tameka, why you trippin'?”

“I'm not trippin', Vance. I just thought that you would be there for me. You promised me, but I don't even hear from you. And the first time I talk to you in weeks and you're on your way to a party.”

“It's not that big of a deal. Some dudes on campus are trying to get me and Jaylen to join their fraternity, so we just checking things out,” I said.

Jaylen tapped his watch to let me know that we needed to go.

“I gotta go, baby.” I sighed. “But I promise I'll call you tomorrow after practice. And we can talk all day, okay?”

“You promise, Vance?” She was skeptical.

“I promise,” I said and then went one step further. “I'll even text you when I get back to my dorm later…just to say good-night.”

Jaylen shook his head no and made a motion like he was cutting his neck with a knife.

“Okay, baby. I'll be waiting to hear from you.” Her voice was sweet again. “Tell big-headed Jaylen I said what's up.”

“Okay, I'll tell him,” I said. “I'll talk to you later.”

I couldn't wait to hang up. Jaylen gave me a cockeyed look. “Why did you lie to that girl like that?”

“What?” I asked, playing dumb.

“You know good and well you ain't gon' text her when you get home tonight.”

“I am,” I said and headed for the door. “Tameka's my girl.”

“I guess you forgot about the little honey that's waiting for you at the party. The one with the light eyes and the plump booty…”

“Tameka's still my girl,” I insisted, trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to convince Jaylen.

The truth was I hadn't stopped thinking about Lexi since the moment I saw her. I couldn't get the smell of her cologne out of my mind, and her eyes and banging body didn't help much, either. She kept creeping into my dreams at night; uninvited, of course. But not unwanted. We exchanged numbers under the pretense that she would help me with calculus, but as the text messages started flying back and forth, they were about everything but calculus.

Lexi was from Jackson, Mississippi, and was attending
Grambling on a basketball scholarship, just like me. She was the only girl in a family of five brothers, which explained why she was somewhat of a tomboy. Her schedule was hectic like mine, but we still managed to find time to text and talk at least twenty times over the course of a day. Each day when her camp was over, she'd wait for me outside the gym and I'd walk her to her dorm. I told myself time and again, “She's just a friend.” There's no harm in walking a friend home from practice, and I actually had myself convinced of it until the day her lips touched mine for the first time. I wanted to stop it but I couldn't. Instead, I pulled her body closer to mine and actually wanted the moment to last forever.

As I lay in my twin bed that night, I was confused. I already had a girl. Tameka. In fact, I had a family. Tameka was carrying my baby and she was relying on me to be there for her. But I was too busy falling in love with someone else and I didn't know how to stop it. But I knew I had to. I had responsibilities. For two days, I avoided Lexi. When practice was over, I ducked into the locker room and didn't surface until I was sure she'd gone on without me. I needed to stay away from her. She caused things inside of me to be topsy-turvy. She caused me to feel things that I'd never felt before, and the inner struggle had my head messed up.

“Are you avoiding me?” she finally asked one day, cornering me after practice.

“Nah,” I lied. “What makes you think that?”

“Well, I haven't heard from you in like two days…no phone calls…no text messages,” she said, those beautiful eyes peering at me as if they could see into my soul. “I'm not sweating you or anything. I was just curious.”

“Nah, I just been busy,” I said and then changed the subject. “Where you headed?”

“To the cafeteria for some grub.” She smiled that beautiful smile. “You coming?”

“Yeah, I'm coming,” I said and started strolling beside her.

“I'll race you.” Lexi started jogging slowly backward.

“You can't beat me, so don't even waste your time,” I boasted.

“Come on then, let's see what you got,” she taunted. She was competitive and I loved that about her. She wasn't soft like most girls.

“I don't wanna embarrass you,” I said. I wanted to grab her right then and hold her in my arms.

“You don't wanna embarrass yourself.” She laughed.

That did it. My male ego kicked in and I started running. Lexi started running, too, and almost caught me. But I was too quick for her. Bent over in front of the cafeteria, trying to catch my breath, I waited for her to show up.

“What took you so long?” I asked her.

“You cheated, Vance. You took off running before anybody said ready, set
or
go.”

“No excuses, girl. I beat you fair and square.”

“No you didn't,” she insisted.

“Yes, I did,” I wrapped my arm around Lexi's neck. I had to touch her, needed to be close to her. I put her in a headlock.

“I'm falling for you, V,” she said, lifting her head, her eyes gazing into mine.

Why did she have to go there? Why did she have to verbalize what I was feeling for her, too? Didn't she know that my life was already complicated? Too complicated for conversations like this. Too complicated for strange feelings to be running through me like a freight train. Too complicated for her to be in my dreams every night.

“Come on, girl, let's go see what's on this menu,” I said, avoiding her comment. Nobody needed to be falling for
anybody, in my opinion. Especially since one of us had a girlfriend and a baby on the way. I had to constantly remind myself of that fact.

“It's probably burgers today,” Lexi stated, not even flinching at the fact that I had avoided her comment. She went on as if nothing was ever said.

In my heart I wanted to say, “I'm falling for you, too, Lexi girl.” But I knew better. Life was complicated enough, and who needed the hassle?

That was days ago. Tonight as I got dressed for the party, I couldn't wait to see her face.

 

Jaylen and I stepped into the party as Flo Rida's voice filled the room. People were all over the dance floor. Jaylen immediately started bouncing to the music. He smoothly made his way over to a light brown girl who was holding a bottle of beer in her hand, whispered something in her ear and instantly they were on the dance floor together. I moved to the music while I scanned the room, in search of that familiar face that belonged to Lexi. When skinny arms wrapped themselves around me from behind, I knew I'd found her.

“Who you looking for?” she asked.

I turned to face her. “You.” I smiled and planted a kiss on her plump lips.

“Wanna dance?” she asked, and then pulled me onto the dance floor without waiting for an answer.

While moving to the beat of Flo Rida, I lived in the moment. There was no place I'd rather have been than where I was at that moment. Feeling that way seemed right, but everything in me told me it was wrong. As I watched Lexi shake her sexy body in front of me, everything became shades of gray. I didn't know the difference between right and wrong anymore.