Stilettos & Stubble (13 page)

The kitchen was
beginning to fill up and the levels of noise and excitement were building.  I
spotted Vi and Lady sitting at the table, sharing a cigarette and a joke and I
smiled to myself.  Annie had been right - they needed their little bonding
sessions and if it meant we’d all get a bit of peace at work for a few weeks it
was worth it.

Just as I was
reaching across to grab an olive, I heard a huge ‘Woo-hoo’ and found myself
being grabbed by the waist and dragged through the rooms and corridors of the
flat in a raucous and clumsy conga.  Tittie and Annie were at the head and
Betty had me firmly by the hips and bum - enjoying the contact a little
too
much!

Deciding to throw
myself fully into the fun, I hoisted my dress up to thigh level and whooped and
hollered along with the rest of group as we snaked through the flat, mounting
tables, beds and chairs as we went. I caught a passing glimpse of myself in
their full-length hallway mirror and saw that I was flushed and dishevelled -
back to ‘Scruffy Old Perce’, despite my finery - and I couldn’t have given a
stuff.  I was enjoying myself.

That was until I
saw another reflection looking back at me with a smile.  It was ‘The Hulk.’

Chapter
Thirteen

The shambolic
conga finished in a heap on the dining room floor and I rushed to the loo to
assess the damage.  It was as bad as I expected - my hair was frizzy and my
dress was hanging off one shoulder, revealing a rather chunky bra strap.  To
top the ‘attractive’ ensemble off, my nose was a slick of grease and my cheeks were
scarlet.

Damn, damn and
damn. 
What was it with this guy turning up every
time I made a complete plonker of myself?  And what on earth was he doing at
Annie and Tittie’s party?  It was almost like he was the Grim Reaper, always
there to see my pratfall and waiting for me to die of embarrassment.

I shuddered at
the thought and rummaged through the plethora of make up in the bathroom
cabinet - one of the many bonuses of hanging around with my new showbiz buddies.
 I managed to remove the shine off my nose and the black streaks from under my
eyes.  After a manic hit of hairspray, my curls calmed down and complied with
my panicked instructions.  I took a huge breath and held it while saying to
myself, ‘Cool and calm, Percy.  Cool and calm.  Get a drink, chat to people and
be charming.  Ignore him and you’ll be fine.’

My affirmations
over, I gave myself one last nervous smile and headed for the kitchen.

*****

Any thoughts of
entering the kitchen for restorative Dutch courage were quickly shot down in flames
when I saw ‘The Hulk’s’ bulk obscuring the doorway.

As much as I
needed a drink, I refused to approach him and ask him to excuse me.  What a
totally stupid place to stand anyway.

Spotting Betty in
the corner of the sitting room with his own bottle of wine, I grabbed a glass from
the nearest table and headed over.

‘Fancy sharing a
glass with me Betty .., er … Dave?  What do you prefer when you’re off duty?’ I
asked.

He turned and
smiled.  ‘Well if it isn’t the horny Percy.  Call me Dave now - all man, I am.’ 
He filled my glass to the brim and sidled up to me.  ‘Looking pretty hot
tonight, if I may say so.  And those hips fitted rather nicely into my clutches
when we were doing the old conga.   I like a woman with a bit of meat on her.’

I glugged at my
wine and smiled nervously.  ‘You are
terrible,
Dave!  What does your
wife think of your flirting?  You’re a
nightmare
!’

He threw back his
head and laughed. ‘What does my
wife
think?  Stella doesn’t think of
anything
other than ovulation, temperatures and sperm counts.  Sex is strictly for attempts
at baby-making.  If I need to get it somewhere else when it’s “
not the right
time
”, it serves her right.’  He looked angry and sulky but I still
couldn’t feel any pity for him.  Any that I
did
feel was all for
Stella.  I couldn’t even contemplate marriage to a drag queen, let alone a
philandering one.

I helped myself
to some more of Dave’s wine and began to feel myself relax.  Until I heard him
say, ‘Oooh, looks like you might have another admirer heading your way.  HUGE
bloke alert!’

It could only
have been one person and I turned to face him, spilling my drink and treading
on his toe simultaneously.  Dave let out a huge snort behind me and I could
have kicked him with my size nines.  ‘The Hulk’ grimaced and hopped on one foot
for a second or two before smiling and offering his hand.  ‘Hi. I’m Luke and I
figured I owed you an apology for the way I spoke to you the other night.  It
wasn’t
your
fault your dad was in that state and I over-reacted - I’d
had a tough day.  Sorry.’

I shook his hand
and smiled back.  ‘Well then I shall apologise for flashing my knickers at you
the other night.  I don’t make a habit of it, you know.’

As much as I
never wanted to think about that awful incident again, I had to address it and
lay it to rest once and for all.

Luke smiled again
- a very nice smile, which changed his whole demeanour.  ‘Oh, don’t give it a
second thought.  I was off my head at the time so I don’t remember much, but
I’m perfectly used to women flashing their knickers at me.’

Tittie appeared
at that moment, filling glasses and joining in conversations.  ‘Ah well, what a
shame you were pissed, young man.  Our Percy was sporting her best diamond
studded G-string that night, weren’t you, Perce?  He looked at me and winked
and I smiled gratefully.  My Bridget knickers were a secret between us and he’d
made me sound like a sex kitten instead of a frump.

Tittie offered
his hand to Luke and said, ‘I’m one the ladies of the manor.  What brings you
here?’

‘Well I just
happened to be leaving ‘The Queen’s Head’ when that act that gets even straight
men hot under the collar told us all to head on over here for a party.’

‘Ah, yes.  The Luscious
Lubov!  More sex appeal in her little finger than the rest of us put together. 
I reckon it’s all to do with the mystery,’ Tittie added in a whisper.  ‘Well
that and the fact that she doesn’t have a mouth like a sewer on her, like the
rest of us.  Present company accepted of course, Perce!’  And he let out a
massive laugh followed by a drunken hiccup.  ‘Excuse
me
!’ he said and
proceeded to wiggle across the room, chatting with guests, continuing to top up
drinks and singing lines from musicals as he went.

I noticed Dave
had made a sly getaway and wondered if he felt uncomfortable in the company of
straight men - which, if my radar served me well, Luke clearly was.

‘How did you end
up working in a drag club then?’ Luke asked as he moved in just
ever so
slightly
closer.  ‘Quite an odd job for a young woman, isn’t it?’

I didn’t want to
go into all the details of my failed career path and disastrous job interviews
so I skimmed over and just said, ‘Oh, I bumped into Tittie’s partner Annie one
day and we just hit it off.  I’m a writer really.’

What?  Where
the fuck had that come from?  What a rancid can of worms I’d opened. Why did I
always do that when I was nervous?  Now I’d have to field a whole heap of
questions that I had no answers to. Bugger, bum and poo.

‘Wow!  A writer! 
What type of stuff do you write?  Are you published?’

And there they
were - the questions that I should have known would follow but stupidly hadn’t
thought through.  It was time to dig myself in even deeper.

‘Oh, just
romances really.  Light, fluffy stuff.  My agent’s in negotiations with a
publisher at the moment.’ I added a flippant little titter and hoped the
conversation would move swiftly on.

Why?  Why had
I done that?  I wasn’t a liar - I’d never been a liar. I was ashamed of myself
but the deed was done and there was no going back.

Eager to make sure
his line of questioning stopped at that, I sipped at my drink and asked, ‘What
about you?  What do you do for a living?’

There was the
slightest of pauses before he answered and I wondered if he’d cottoned on to my
lie and was playing me at my own game.  ‘Me?  Not a lot really.  Between jobs
at the moment.  It’s tough out there in the job market right now.’

Well for
someone who claimed to be unemployed, he certainly had cash to flash!  He’d
paid over two hundred quid to get his mates into The Glove and his clothes were
clearly more Armani than Primarni.  Rich mummy and daddy no doubt - I’d met his
type before.

And right on cue,
the Hooray Henrys he’d come with appeared at his side, loud and brash and
clearly bored.  The ring leader, in crisp chinos and fashionably creased linen
shirt, slapped his friend on the back and slurred, ‘Hey, Dude!  Let’s get outta
here.  No fitties, no point, Man!  Seb says there’s another party on over at
Chloe’s place.  Bound to get lucky there.’

I was invisible
to his crowd.  Perfect little blondes with snub noses and expensive extensions
were no doubt their main fodder and I didn’t even hit their radar.  Luke looked
a little embarrassed and put his wine glass down on the mantelpiece, preparing
to leave.  ‘It was nice to chat to you … Percy.  Great name by the way.’

‘Come
on,
Man!’ 
The friend was getting impatient.  Luke gave me an apologetic smile and a shrug
and was gone.

Suddenly the
party didn’t seem quite so much fun any more.

*****

Curled up at home
with a huge mug of hot chocolate, I was stroking Bogey’s ears and re-living the
night’s events.  I now knew ‘The Hulk’ was called Luke and I repeated the name
in my head. 
Luke, Luke, Luke. 
It suited him - a good solid name.  And
he seemed a nice guy really.  Maybe I’d misjudged him.  It was just a shame
about his friends.  I knew their ilk too well and avoided them like the plague
- users with no thoughts for anyone but themselves or their own gain.  Was Luke
like that too?  The thought saddened me and cast a black cloud over what had
otherwise been a pleasant evening.

A tiny tap on the
front door stopped my thoughts and I went to open it, thinking that Dad had
probably forgotten his key.  I’d been surprised when he hadn’t chosen to share
a cab home with me, preferring to stay on at the party and continue enjoying
himself.

Peering through
the spy hole in the door, I found that it wasn’t my dad but Tom.  Swaying
slightly and with a lopsided grin on his face.  Ah yes, he’d been on his date
with Dopey Diana and no doubt wanted to fill me in on the details.

I opened the door
with a smile.  ‘Welcome, oh Pissed One!  You survived, then.’

Tom came into my
flat a little unsteadily and flopped on the sofa, disturbing Bogey’s slumber.  My
cat gave one bat of his eyelids, a flick of his back leg and then left for the
bedroom.  He didn’t do date post mortems and it was his mission to claim the
lion’s share of the bed before Dad did.

‘Coffee?’  I
looked at Tom.  ‘I take it no more alcohol is required?’

He shook his head
and then held it.  The hangover was obviously kicking in early.  ‘Coffee, yes
please.  Black and lots of it.’

As I waited for
the kettle to boil and spooned instant coffee into two mugs, I called through
to the sitting room, ‘Take it you had a good night then?’

I could see him
nodding and yawning on the sofa and I took our drinks through and placed them
on the coffee table.

‘Oh I had a great
time, Perce.  Diana’s actually really good company once you get to know her. 
Did you know she does heaps of work for charity?’

I shook my head,
‘I had no idea!  I just thought she was all high maintenance and air-headed. 
She’s certainly never had a job in the whole time
I’ve
known her.’

‘No, that’s just
it, Perce.  She
doesn’t
work.  Rich parents, so she lunches and fundraises.’

‘Wow, so we need
to start calling her
Saint
Diana then, do we?  Little bit smitten are
we, Tom?’

Tom let out a
massive sigh and slurped at his coffee.  ‘She’s a really nice girl, Perce, and
her heart’s in the right place but … oh,
I
don’t know!’  He shook his
head and chewed the inside of his cheek thoughtfully.  ‘I just don’t see me
getting involved with someone who’s so into their looks and keeping up
appearances.  It would just be knackering.’

He looked to me
for the magic answer.  When I could think of none to offer he pressed with, ‘It
would
be, wouldn’t it Perce?  It would be a nightmare.’

He was obviously
torn.  He liked her but did he like her enough to put up with the fake tan, the
nails, the hair, the designer clothes?

‘Oh, Tom.  I don’t
know.  I’m certainly no expert on relationships, as you well know, but if you really
like her, surely you can see beyond all the glitz and glamour.’  I dunked a
chocolate HobNob into my coffee and tucked my feet under me.  ‘It’s the second
change in direction I’ve seen tonight.  Must be something in the air!’  I
wanted to talk about
my
evening too and I shifted the conversation in
the right direction, continuing with, ‘Remember ‘The Hulk’ I told you about?  I
met him at Annie and Tittie’s party tonight.  He’s called Luke and he
apologised for being rude to me.  He’s not as arrogant as I thought.’