Stilettos & Stubble (30 page)

‘Yeah, except
when someone’s telling you it’s your turn to buy a round,’ Lady threw over his
shoulder as he continued to study the lock.  ‘Selective hearing then, eh? 
Tight old git!’

Tittie glared at
Lady and then turned back to Luke with a huge smile.  ‘
So …
the little
bits that I
did
manage to hear - apart from all the lovely, gooey,
romantic stuff …’  He looked at me and beamed.  ‘… those
other
little
bits seemed to imply that you might be The Glove’s knight in tweed coat.  Am I
right?’

Luke finished his
drink and handed the glass out for more, pushing his luck to the limit.  Tittie
eagerly obliged and then sidled up to him.  ‘Hmm?  Did I hear
that
bit
right?’

Luke nodded. 
‘Yes, Tittie.  Your incredibly bionic hearing heard correctly.  I’d like to
come on board.  If Annie will have me, that is.’

‘Tittie jumped up
and down on the spot, clapping his hands and wobbling his fake bosoms.  ‘
Have
you? 
HAVE
you?  He’ll be biting your gorgeous little hand off.’  I
could see the slightest glint of moisture in his eyes.  ‘Oh my!  It’s just like
the ending to a Disney Christmas film, isn’t?  Generous benefactor comes
forward at the eleventh hour, joyous bells are ringing, all the pretty ladies
get dressed in their finery and the guy gets his gal.’  He stopped abruptly.
‘Ooops!  Silly old, presumptuous me.  I take it that
is
the way this all
works out?  You two
will
…?’  He flapped his hand about in place of
finding the right words.

Luke looked at me
and raised his eyebrows in question.  ‘What d’ya say, Perce?  Did the guy get
his girl?’

My kiss said it
all - and more - and the round of applause and cheers that came from the girls rivalled
anything I’d heard from an audience of hundreds.  I was the leading lady in the
cheesiest film of all time and we were heading towards a happy ending.

*****

Tittie gave me
the night off.

‘Good grief,
Percy.  We can’t have you working tonight.  You need to go home with ‘Yummy
Moneybags’ here and make up for lost time.’  He then leaned over and whispered
in my ear with a dirty laugh, ‘Give him one from me, will you?  You lucky cow!’

As we were
preparing to leave, Luke pulled on his hat and said,  ‘I don’t know what you
all have planned for Christmas but I’ve got quite a big house on Richmond Hill
- there’s enough room for you all to stay, if you like.  Christmas is a time
for friends, isn’t it?  And the more the merrier I say!’

We left the club
hand in hand with the excited babble of the girls ringing in our ears:

‘Richmond Hill?  Big property?’

‘Oooh, I’m
going to use my fake Louis Vuitton overnight bag.  Been dying to give it an
outing.’

‘I am so not
sharing a room with you, Lady, your wind does my head in!’

‘Vot vill my
Gordon say?  I must not have him over-excited.’

Suddenly
Christmas was looking a whole lot brighter.

Chapter
Thirty

Luke and I stayed
up all night talking.  Everything else he’d told me had been the truth - the
split with his father, the move to London.  All of that had driven him to
become the success he now was.

And
boy
,
was he a success!  Aside from his house in Richmond he owned three flats in London, a pile in Surrey, a villa in the South of France and a small property in the
States.  He treated his workers well - the ones who had done all the odd jobs
at the club!  (how dumb had
I
been?)  He gave regularly to charity and
drove a modest Audi because he loathed people who were flash with their cars.

Oh, and he
loved
me!  That was really the most important part.

Picnicking on a
take-away in front of Luke’s massive open fire, I sighed contentedly and shoved
yet another huge piece of naan bread in my mouth, dribbling chutney down my
chin.

‘Got your
appetite back then, I see, Perce?’  Luke teased.

‘Well, I figured
you want me to be real.  So I guess it’s only fair that you know I am a real
pig
!’

Luke snuffled
into my neck and said, ‘Good!  I like a woman who enjoys her food - none of
this chasing lettuce leaf crap.  And if we’re going to be cruising around the
world or jet-setting to foreign climes, I need a food buddy.  You just got
yourself the job!’

I sat bolt
upright and looked at him full on.  ‘I can’t afford to go off on travels like
tha
t! 
I have to work for my living and I haven’t spent the past few months of my life
transforming myself into the confident person I’ve become just to turn into a
kept woman.  I
couldn’t
expect you to pay for me.  That would make me as
bad as all the gold-diggers you detest.’

Luke was placing
tiny little kisses all over my neck and face.  He ended with one on the end of
my nose and then placed his forehead against mine, looking deep into my eyes. 
‘But as my wife, what’s mine is yours.  What d’ya say, Persephone Mortimer?’

*****

We were all
stuffed to bursting.  After a huge spread of delicate little canapés and
champagne, we moved on to present opening and more champagne.  Bogey
paddy-pawed his way through the wrapping paper, delighted to be reunited with
Luke and clearly over the moon with his new plush house.

After devouring a
massive turkey with all the trimmings, the queens did their own version of our
sovereign’s speech which had us all holding our sides in agony.

Flopping with
restorative brandies (and a Lubov-enforced mint tea for dad) we chatted happily
but lazily.  Annie had put on a Bing Crosby CD, singing the most popular carols
and talk turned to the club’s facelift.

‘I reckon if we
keep the club open until New Year’s Eve, we could start work then and be up and
running by spring.  What do you think, boss?’ Annie asked Luke.

Luke was playing
with my hair as I lay back on his chest.  ‘Will you
stop
calling me
boss?  I’m just giving you a little helping hand.  The club’s yours Annie. 
Once all the paperwork is done, you just get on and do what you do best.  I’m
just a very silent partner, OK?’

‘Yes, boss!’ 
Annie mock saluted and leaned back on Tittie, grabbing himself on the crotch as
he did so.  ‘I wish me knackers would start to feel normal again.  The thought
of squeezing back into a pair of fifty deniers makes my baby blues water.’

Lady chucked a
pillow at him, ‘Oh, perlease, Annie.  Too much information!  Will you kindly
keep your sick scrote stories to yourself.  I might part with those last couple
of brussel sprouts if you keep on.’

Annie snuggled
the pillow into his trouser area and sighed in pleasure.  ‘Oooh, that’s better. 
Cheers Lady!  Now, I believe we have a wedding to discuss.  I still cannot
believe
the size of that sparkler on your finger, Perce. Show us again.’

I lifted my hand
and waggled it around.  Annie and Tittie pretended to be blinded and Dad looked
at me with a grin.  Lubov took hold of my hand, turning it this way and that. 
‘Vot a beauty it is.  Vot a lucky girl.’

‘Your time will
come, my love,’ Dad told her.  ‘As soon as this divorce is through, we’re out
to get you a dazzler of your own.’  He then added quickly, ‘Mind you, I can’t
promise you one as big as that!  Not quite got
that
sort of cash to
flash.’

Lubov looked up
at him from her seated position on the floor.  ‘Votever I get, I be happy.  I
be vun happy Lubov.’

Vi hurled
something across the room at her, ‘There you go, Lube!  Have that until you get
the real thing.  It’s the plastic tat from my cracker.’  Dad took it and placed
it on her wedding finger affectionately and then kissed her hand.

Annie jumped up
and turned Bing off in his prime.  ‘Oh come on guys, we’re drowning in mush
here.  Keep your sickly bloomin’ romances to yourself and just give me plenty
of warning to get my hat sorted.  Let’s play a game!’

Several rounds of
manic charades later and we were all hungry again.  We went en masse to Luke’s
huge kitchen and began churning out sandwiches, factory style.

‘Better make a
few plates extra,’ I said, ‘Mia and her lot will be here soon and we mustn’t
forget Dave and Stella.  I wonder if she’s pregnant yet?’

‘Where are your
friends Tom and Diana, Perce?’ Dad asked.  ‘I would have liked to see them
again.

‘Oh, haven’t you
heard?  They’re off working in a soup kitchen somewhere in the City.  Diana
does it every Christmas, apparently.  And in the New Year they’re off to climb
some mountain somewhere for Diana’s favourite charity.  I think Tom’s finally
realised he got her all wrong.’

Annie carved
through the mountain of sandwiches I passed him and said, ‘Well, Perce, as you
so rightly said at the club that night, none of us are quite what we seem. 
None of us.’

I looked down at
my faded jeans, flat ballet pumps and red gingham shirt.  My hair was ruffled
from lying on Luke’s chest and the funky little red bow I’d added earlier in
the day was askew.  I was scruffy but happy.  ‘Well I think you might be wrong
there, Annie.  I’ve finally found who I am and I quite like me!  Plus, it’s far
less exhausting than trying to be something I’m not.’

*****

Dad and Lubov
went for a little lie down at about seven - at least I
hope
that’s what
they did!  I was still struggling slightly with the idea of my father in the
throes of passion and I pushed it to the back of my mind.

Dave and Stella
arrived bearing gifts and wine and shortly afterwards Mia and James were
breathless on the doorstep with two over-excited kids.  ‘Let us in, let us in! 
We need adult company
immediately
!’  Mia cried.  ‘We’ve been inserting
batteries, constructing toys and playing ‘Old Maid’ since the crack of dawn.’ 
She threw her suede jacket over the banister and looked around.  ‘Oooh, nice
place Luke’s got, Perce!  Now wow me with scintillating conversation and ply me
with booze.  I want to party!’

We moved through
to the kitchen to give the new arrivals drinks and to do the introductions. 
Stella bent down to talk to Isla and Jo Jo and Dave looked over at me and shook
his head sadly.  I could only deduce from this that it had been another failed
month and my heart went out to him.

Within a flash, a
thought came to me.  What had Luke said?  ‘
What’s mine is yours
.’  I was
about to become a lady of means and it wasn’t as if I was asking for a new
handbag or a Tiffany necklace, was it?

I had to somehow
get Luke alone for a chat.  A very urgent chat.

*****

I don’t think any
of us had ever experienced a Christmas day like it.  We continued to scoff, we
guzzled champers, we danced, we sang and we exchanged flippant banter.

Stella was lovely
and threw herself into the spirit of things.  She took it in turns to dance
with Isla and Jo Jo and then she had a jive with Dave.

Dad and Lubov
reappeared, looking refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the evening. 
Lubov poured my father a small glass of red wine, saying it was good for his
heart and a special occasion so it was allowed.

‘But you drink
slowly, Gordon.  No more today.  OK?’

Dad tutted and
smiled, loving every minute of her cherishing and cosseting.  He looked like
the cat who’d got the cream he wasn’t allowed to have.

With everything
that was going on, it felt as if I’d never get the chance to sneak Luke away
for a few minutes.  I had to do this tonight.  I wanted to play Mother
Christmas and be the bearer of good tidings.  I needed to complete the perfect
Christmas.

I spotted Luke handing
Dave a vol au vent as he finished up a conversation with him. I had to seize
the moment while I could so I rushed over and grabbed his hand.  ‘Luke.  Can we
just have a quickie?’  The queens erupted into bawdy jeers and I raised my hand
to hush them.  ‘OK, OK!  I’ll rephrase that!  I would just like to have a quick
and quiet little word with my fiancé.  Anyone object?’

‘No, lovie!  You
do what you like with him,’ Ma shouted.  ‘It’s a free world and we promise not
to listen this time!’

Pulling Luke
through the door and into the hallway, I then guided him into the front drawing
room and slammed the door behind us.

‘Easy Tiger!’  He
said as he pulled me into him for a smooch.

I pushed him
away, gently but firmly.  ‘No, no! I really
did
want to talk.  It’s
quite important.’  I took a deep breath and then gulped.  ‘You know I love you
for you and not for your money, right?’

Luke nodded and
smoothed my hair behind my ear.  ‘Of course I do.’

‘And you know you
said that once we were married, we’d … well, we’d share everything?’

‘Yes.  I said
that.  I meant it.’

‘Well could we
possibly do that
before
we’re married?  I hate to mention it, but it’s
really quite important.  I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t.’

‘Perce,
will
you just get to the bloody point.  What is it you want?  A new car?  A
holiday?  A flat for your dad to live in?   Just tell me!  Then I can get on
and snog you - this is wasting time, you know.’

‘It’s Dave.  Well
Dave and Stella.  They need money for IVF and I thought it would be a lovely
idea if we could help them.’  I stopped and waited for his answer.  Would he
laugh in my face?  Tell me to stop being so ridiculous?  Had I pushed my luck?

‘Oh, you thought
it would be a lovely idea, did you, you big softie?’  He pulled me towards him
by the collar of my shirt, a gesture I found incredibly sexy.  ‘Well, I’m one
step ahead of you, Perce.  Dave has a folded cheque in his pocket as we speak. 
Now, shut up and kiss me.’