Stirred (19 page)

Sean’s shoulders slumped, as did the rest of him, down the side of my desk until his ass hit the floor. His elbows returned to his knees, his hands fisted like before, but this time, he buried his face against his arms, and his shoulders shook as he cried silently. After a minute, he swiped at his eyes and pulled himself together, but he stayed in that position on the floor, like he couldn’t bear to face me as he relayed the story.

“About five months in, right at the beginning of my first year in law school, Hayley started to get all…I don’t know…dark. Gloomy. Sad. I tried hard to be a good boyfriend and cheer her up. I took her waterskiing on Lake Sammamish, rappelling out in North Bend, I even arranged a ride with one of the Blue Angels when they were here for Seafair, not an easy task mind you. But nothing seemed to work. It was like she was dead inside, incapable of feeling anything at all.

“She stopped going to class, slept all the time. She became clingy and needy, something I tried to overlook, until it started to interfere with my studies. I explained that I couldn’t miss class just to lie in bed with her and watch old movies in the dark all day. But she didn’t get it. Or she just didn’t care. I started to back off when she became downright demanding. And when I didn’t show up to keep her company or comfort her, she’d go postal. Show up at my classes, burst in the door, screaming my name.

“By that point, it was clear she was completely unhinged. I realized there was something seriously wrong, like, not just a simple case of depression or whatever, but a fucking full-fledged breakdown. I contacted mental health services on campus, gave them the rundown, and asked them what I should do. They said it sounded like she was bipolar and on a seriously depressive dive. They advised me to bring her in, which I did, without telling her first where we were going.

“I knew that was a risk, so I was surprised how calmly she took it. She listened to what the counselor had to say, accepted their brochures and pamphlets, and even made a follow-up appointment before we left a couple hours later. Afterwards, I was relieved. She seemed to accept that she needed help and was willing to get it. But she was different—quiet, composed. I should’ve known then that something was up.”

With his head in his hands, he grabbed two fistfuls of hair and pulled as his forearms shook so hard, his veins bulged against his skin. I slipped down onto the floor in front of him, my hand raised and ready to smooth over his shoulder, but I was afraid to touch him. He seemed ready to explode. But just being closer seemed to calm him down. His shaking eased and his fists opened. Lifting his head, he scrubbed both hands down his face and looked straight at me. There was so much pain in his eyes, so much sorrow, and something else. Guilt. It seemed to hold him on the floor like a five-hundred-pound lead weight.

I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want him to feel like he had to continue. It was clearly a deeply personal experience, and he shouldn’t be made to feel like he had to share. But, at the same time, I felt like he wanted to, like that would help lighten the load, and maybe he’d be able to stand once he was free of the weight. So I just offered him a tight-lipped smile, letting him know I was there.

After a couple minutes, he took a huge breath and let it out slowly, then rested his head back against the side of my desk as he stared out the window at the unusually clear Seattle sky. He thunked his head against the desk a few times as he contemplated what to say. I just sat there, staring at him, waiting.

“After we left health services, Hayley grabbed my hand and rested her head against my shoulder as we walked through campus. I told her I’d drive her back to her apartment, but I had to go pick Robbie up at daycare and take him home. He was just shy of his second birthday at that point. Anyway, Hayley asked if she could tag along. Said she loved Robbie and thought seeing him would cheer her up. I didn’t see anything wrong with that, so I brought her with me.”

He let out another sigh, but this time, it quivered when he released it.

“I pulled up out front of his daycare and left the engine running. I told Hayley to stay in the car, that I was gonna run in, grab Robbie, and be right out. She was fine with that and turned the music up when I jumped out. I wasn’t gone more than four or five minutes, but when I came out, Hayley was gone, and the driver’s door was wide open. With Robbie in my arms, I called out her name and looked around, but I couldn’t find her.

“Robbie was tired and hungry and getting cranky, so I opened the backdoor and started to strap him into his car seat. But that fucking thing always gave me a hard time, and I struggled to latch it correctly. That’s when I felt the car jiggle and heard the door slam shut. I glanced up, and there was Hayley, behind the wheel. I told her I’d drive since she wasn’t insured on my car. But she didn’t even acknowledge me. She just faced front and slipped the car into to drive.

“It started to roll forward, and I still hadn’t latched Robbie in, so I yelled for her to stop. But it was like she was in a trance or something. I panicked as the car sped up, and I tried to hang on, but I slipped out just as Hayley stomped on the gas. The car took off with the backdoor still open and Robbie loose in his seat. I limped after them, screaming for her to stop.
Please, God, stop!
But…she didn’t, and I couldn’t keep up. She weaved in and out of traffic. I could hear the engine racing, then a loud crash as she ran head-on into a telephone pole.”

With a gasp, I covered my mouth with my hands. “Oh my God, Sean. I’m so sorry. That’s so…God…that’s so horrible.”

He sat there staring out the window, no expression on his face. Just…nothing. Nothing at all. Completely detached. I suppose that was how he dealt with it. Anything more would be too real, too painful. Too much to bear.

“I limped all the way up the street,” he continued. “The car was smoking and hissing, the radiator spewing hot water everywhere. I smelled the gasoline before I actually saw it. People had started to gather around the car, some crying, others pointing, one or two on their cellphones, calling for help. As I approached, I screamed Robbie’s name, but he didn’t answer. When I finally reached the car, I looked in the back, but Robbie’s car seat was gone. I screamed, ‘No!’ and moved to the front. His seat was crumpled into the battered dash, wedged in between the front seats. I didn’t even look to see how Hayley was. Honestly, at that moment, I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting Robbie free.

“I tugged at the car seat as a few of the bystanders yelled at me, warning I might cause greater injury and to wait for the fire department. I said, ‘Can’t you smell the gas?’ and they all looked down under the car then backed away, afraid. I was terrified the car would blow up any second. There was smoke, so obviously there was fire smoldering somewhere.

“I didn’t have much time. I yelled for help, but everyone was too concerned about saving their own ass. So I jumped in the back and pulled Robbie’s car seat until it finally came free, and Robbie along with it. I scooted out backwards, away from the car, and five seconds later, flames shot out from under the hood. I slid Robbie as far away as I could and watched the fire jump from the engine into the front seat. That’s when I heard a scream and saw Hayley flailing around. But it was too late. The car was fully engulfed, and all anyone could do was stand there and listen to Hayley as she burned to death.”

I sat there for a moment, staring at Sean as he gazed out the window. An involuntary gush of air escaped my lungs. But there were no words. I was struck completely dumb. Dazed and bewildered. Sean had said he was responsible, that it was his fault Robbie would never walk again. He couldn’t be more wrong. He’d done everything right. There was no way to predict Hayley’s behavior, that she’d completely go off the deep end. But how do you adequately explain that to someone? He’d lived with the guilt for several years. It was a fact of life for him. God, I wished I could make him see how wrong that was, that it wasn’t his burden to bear.

“Sean—” I started, but was cut off when he raised his hand and waved it around, as if to dismiss whatever condolences I was about to offer.

“There’s nothing you can say that will change anything, Eden. Fact is, Robbie’s spinal cord was severed when I pulled his seat free and dragged him from the car. He was injured in the accident, yes, but I crippled him in my rush to free him. Part of me thinks I should’ve listened when those people told me to wait for the fire department, or better yet, focused on putting out the fire myself.”

I laid my hand on Sean’s foot. “But, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like it happened too fast, and Robbie would have burned to death along with Hayley. You absolutely did the right thing, Sean. Better he’s paralyzed than to have suffered such a horrendous death. You have to know that. Seriously.”

He nodded. Of course he knew that. Anyone would’ve done the exact same thing. And yet, there was no consoling him.

“I’ve often recounted my steps along the way, how I could’ve done something different with Hayley, so that she didn’t feel so abandoned and betrayed. Ultimately, that’s why this happened. She felt I deceived her when I took her to that clinic. That’s when everything changed. I saw it. And I knew something was different, that I’d altered the course somehow.”

I shook my head. “No, Sean. It started and ended with her illness. I find it hard to believe that Hayley or anyone in her family didn’t know she was ill, that something wasn’t right. Bipolar affective disorder is not something that suddenly starts one day out of the blue, and there’s a strong hereditary component, up to eighty percent in most cases. There’s also a likelihood she knew of her illness and was under treatment, but, like many patients, was not compliant and refused to take her meds. It sounds like she experienced more mania than depression. Many sufferers often prefer to risk the lows just so they can experience the highs. What she did because of her illness is in no way your responsibility.”

He locked eyes with me. “I should’ve just taken her home after meeting with the counselor. Or I should’ve walked away when she first started to slide. I should’ve remained on task with school and not even gotten together with her in the first place. My involvement with Hayley led to Robbie’s paralysis. No matter at which point the origin lies, I’m always there. It’ll always be me.”

I sighed knowing I’d never be able to change his mind. So I took a different tack. “And what about Robbie?” I asked. “Does he blame you?”

Sean looked at me like I was crazy. “He’s barely four! Of course he doesn’t blame me. He doesn’t know any better.”

“Oh, so he doesn’t know what happened to him, why he’s in a wheelchair?”

Again, that look. “He’s a smart kid, Eden. He knows he’s different from everyone else. He’s asked why, and we told him the truth. Not all of it, of course; he’s too young. But he knows what happened in the accident.”

“And what does he say about that?”

With a shake of his head, Sean shrugged and turned his attention to his feet. “He says I saved him. That I’m Superman.” He snickered. “Shit, is he ever gonna be disappointed when he figures it all out.”

“Figures out what exactly?” I asked. “That a girl went crazy and he got caught in the middle, or that you saved him from dying the most agonizingly painful death imaginable?” I scooted closer and sat beside him, my back to the desk, as well. I nudged him with my shoulder. “I know Robbie. I’ve seen him five days a week for over a year now. He’s a happy, well-adjusted, little boy. He always has a smile on his face and a silly or kind word on his lips. He’s smart and capable, and never really gives his disability much thought. He doesn’t know any other way, Sean.

“For as long as he can remember, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t comprehend what you think he’s missing. He believes—no—he
knows
he’s just as good, if not better, than any other child out there. Thinking you’ve ruined Robbie diminishes him, detracts from every single one of his accomplishments, minimizes him to somehow
less than
—a victim, helpless, damaged and incomplete. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Robbie is the joy he is
because
of you, not despite you. He loves you, Sean. I could see that when you picked him up today. And you love him. That’s obvious, too. Don’t victimize him by thinking you’ve ruined his life. His life is good. He is blessed.”

Sean sat still for a moment, then nodded, albeit grudgingly, but I think he understood and agreed with my observations. He smiled slightly and tilted his head toward me. Our eyes found each other, and there was an unspoken truce of sorts.

“So now you know I’m a little fucked up. And here you are, making me see the light. How can you think we aren’t good together, Eden?”

I smiled at first. Then I chuckled. “You are tenacious, Sean Bennett.”

His eyes sparkled, and his smile grew wide. “Say that again.”

“Say what?” I asked.

“My name. I love it when you say my name, even when you’re angry. Maybe even
especially
when you’re angry,” he said and leaned over, as if he meant to kiss me.

But I pulled back. “Slow down, you. I think—if we’re gonna explore whatever
this
is between us—that we need to move slowly. Get to know each other a little first.”

He looked downright offended with his mouth ajar and his brow pulled low. “I’d say, all things considered, you know me pretty damn well.”

“Well, Sean Bennett,” I started and grinned when he nearly purred in satisfaction. “I’m a bit old-fash—”

“No way,” he argued. “You’re the furthest thing from old. You’re the sexiest, most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen, of any age.” He continued to smile, but it changed from playful to seductive, that light in his eyes glowing brighter than I’d ever seen before.

I just sat there and stared into those warm depths, feeling like I was swimming in an ocean of delicious, melted dark chocolate. It was comforting and alluring at the same time, and I was suddenly worried I would never be able to get enough, let alone tire of him and move on.

“Okay,” he finally relented. “We’ll do this your way.” He shifted onto his knees and faced me. “Eden, would you please go out on a date with me?”