Stockings and Cellulite (23 page)

‘Well?’ Toby persisted.

‘Look Tobes, much as I appreciate your concern, it’s not as simple as that. For a kick off, Jamie hasn’t even asked me to go out with him.’

‘But what if he did?’ Liv piped up. ‘Would you Mum? Would you go out with him?’

‘Kids, can we just drop the subject please.’

The following morning Stevie turned up to collect the old double bed languishing in the garage.

‘Morning,’ he gave me a curt nod.

‘Hi. I’ll just get the garage key and – oh!’

I gasped with pain as Stevie grabbed my arm in a vice-like grip. He spun me round to face him.

‘Have you got a man in the house?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

He stalked over to Morag’s sports car and kicked an alloy wheel.

‘I presume this piece of turbo testosterone
shit
that’s been parked on your drive
all night
belongs to a
man.
’

I didn’t know whether to slap his face or burst out laughing. Just who the hell did he think he was? I’d suffered his constant infidelity, embarrassment amongst the neighbours, humiliation at our children’s school, and currently he was knocking about with a girl young enough to be his daughter. And here he was audaciously questioning my personal life! We stood glaring at each other. Suddenly Stevie raked a hand through his hair and apologised.

‘Sorry. I’m bang out of order.’

‘Too right.’

‘I can’t help being jealous.’

‘Oh grow up Stevie. The sports car is
oestrogen-
laced and belongs to a girlfriend who is such a man eater she should have Government Health Warnings stamped all over her. In fact I seriously advise you to collect the bed and scarper before she returns and pins you down upon it.’

Stevie instantly perked up, doubtless nothing to do with any potential man in the house but everything to do with being ravaged by a nymphomaniac.

Morag made an appearance late afternoon grinning like the proverbial Cheshire cat who’d found double cream instead of skimmed milk. Matt dropped her off and gave a brief toot and a cheery wave. Morag stood, girly and giggly, twiddling hair around one finger and issuing dinky little waves at the retreating car.

‘God he’s divine,’ she gushed. ‘Absolute knock out. Go and put the coffee on Cass and I’ll tell you all about it.’

I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to hear about Matt’s performance under the duvet but Morag was determined to take me through the whole event kiss by hungry kiss, quiver by feverish quiver.

‘I looked fabulous Cass.’ Modesty had never been a strong point of Morag’s. ‘Naked but for a pair of leather riding boots.’

I boggled into my coffee mug. ‘And, er, Matt? Was he in riding boots too?’

Surely it was only polite to ask.

‘In the buff and tied to the headboard.’

‘Right,’ I croaked.

‘I strutted about brandishing an enormous lunging whip and demanded to be called Miss Spanky.’

‘Goodness. And did he oblige?’

‘Oh yes,’ she purred, eyes glazing at the memory. ‘I’m going to wear rubber next time.’

‘Excellent,’ I muttered. ‘More coffee?’

‘I won’t actually Cass. I want to get home and have a nice hot soak and an early night. We didn’t do much sleeping last night,’ she winked.

I’d barely waved Morag off when Nell turned up on the doorstep.

‘Hello!’ I beamed. ‘You’ll never guess what – oh! What’s the matter?’

My neighbour looked dreadful. Dark circles shadowed her red rimmed eyes. She stumbled over the threshold and collapsed, sobbing, on my shoulder. Gently, I led her into the kitchen. Digging around in the fridge, I produced a bottle of wine.

‘Drink,’ I ordered.

Nell obediently glugged and, in halting gasps punctuated with stutters and shrieks, imparted the cause of her terrible distress.

‘I’m pregnant.’

‘But Nell, that’s marvellous – isn’t it? You always wanted a brother or sister for Dylan. What does Ben think?’

‘Ben has no idea.’

‘But why ever not? Why haven’t you told him?’

‘He’ll go ballistic Cass.’

‘Don’t be so silly. He’ll be over the moon.’

‘Take it from me. He won’t.’

‘This is ridiculous, I can’t believe I’m even hearing this.’

‘It’s an unplanned pregnancy Cass.’

‘So? Surely it’s no big deal. After all, it takes two to tango. This is as much Ben’s doing as yours. Why is having another baby such a problem?’

Nell fell silent and momentarily contemplated her fingernails.

‘What I’m about to tell you is highly confidential.’

I regarded my neighbour in horror. ‘You’re not about to tell me this baby is another man’s?’

She shook her head and gave me a watery grin. ‘No, of course not.’

I exhaled noisily. ‘Well thank heavens for that.’

‘Nonetheless, it’s still private stuff. Ben’s a proud man – he’d die of embarrassment if he got wind that you knew – so Mum’s the word right?’

‘Of course.’

‘A few months ago Ben re-mortgaged to finance setting up business on his own. He truly thought it would be a get-rich-quick thing. Business started off promisingly – until the customer went bust. Meanwhile Ben has incurred costs that run into thousands of pounds,’ she pulled at her hair. ‘So I took the job at the school to help out financially. But how can I work with a new baby? And babies cost money Cass! Even second hand stuff is pricey. And what about all those sleepless nights again? For months on end? Maybe years? Dylan was
five
before he went all the way through the night.’ She looked exhausted just thinking about it. ‘I don’t think I can go through all that again.’

‘Oh Lord,’ I sucked in my breath, momentarily overwhelmed by both Nell’s revelation and her honest reaction about the impact of a newborn. Even taking the financial ramifications out of the equation, I could totally identify with the endless sleepless nights and never ending exhaustion. ‘Look Nell, this has come as an enormous shock to you and, for the moment, you just need to take a step back and calm down. Get used to the idea. In a few more weeks you’ll be thinking completely differently and the pair of you will be over the moon.’

‘Ben won’t be.’

‘Of course he will!’ I soothed.

‘I’m not going to tell him.’

‘Oh Nell, don’t be daft. The problem isn’t going to go away by you not telling Ben. You’re going to get big at some point. How are you going to pass it off?’

‘I won’t let myself get big.’ Her lip wobbled dangerously, ‘I’ll get rid of it.’

I stared at her, shocked. ‘Terminate? Nell I don’t think you could go through with such a thing. I know you too well. You’d never forgive yourself.’

‘Well that only leaves adoption and I definitely couldn’t do that. I’m fresh out of other solutions.’

‘Nell you simply
must
talk to Ben. Everything will be all right. You’ll see.’

‘Maybe. I’d better get back. Thanks for the shoulder.’

I closed the door after her pensively. Thank God I didn’t have her dilemma. My own life was difficult enough, but at least I was in the driving seat with no complications. One never knew what problems were hurtling around the next corner of life.

I bent down to tidy a pile of jumbled shoes and resolved to buy a shoe rack for the cupboard in the hallway. As I stooped and stacked, I couldn’t help thinking how good it would be if problems could be sorted like the pile of unruly shoes. Sighing I straightened up. I needed to throw myself into a new project. Something to take my mind off depressing problems. I stood back and surveyed the hall’s paintwork. Tatty. Like the entire house actually. I nodded decisively. Redecorating would be my next assignment.

‘But why white Mum?’ Livvy asked later.

‘Because I like it.’

‘But it’s not actually a colour,’ Toby protested.

‘White is clean,’ I nodded knowingly at Livvy, ‘and terribly contemporary.’

Bingo!
Contemporary
was a word Livvy adored. In her eyes the word could do no wrong conjuring up a picture of hip coolness. And anything
cool
was definitely
in
.

However, I had a suspicion that my overwhelming desire to paint everything white was psychological rather than fashionable. It represented wiping the slate clean. Starting again. And the urge to spill white silk into a virgin paint tray and roller it over every vertical surface ran so deep it was almost a physical craving.

The children chose their own colour schemes for their bedrooms. Livvy opted for the palest of pinks. Toby selected a combination of retro green and electric blue to be painted on alternating walls which promised to be eyeball stingingly hideous.

That night I lay awake fretting about Nell and her unwanted pregnancy, feeling more and more repulsed by the suggestion of a termination. It was unthinkable for Nell to end something that was only just beginning. Before I drifted off, I determined to try reasoning with my friend.

The following evening, while the twins were lost in The Simpsons, I stuck my head around the living room door.

‘Just popping over to Nell’s.’

No response.

‘I’ll be ten minutes.’

Silence.

‘Don’t answer the door to anybody. Livvy? Toby? Are you listening to me?’

Two grunted acknowledgements.

I stuffed my feet into a pair of trainers and crossed the grass strip between the two houses just as Ben’s car swung into the cul-de-sac. Damn. Nell opened her front door and stood silhouetted in the hall light as Ben’s car purred to a standstill.

‘Hi!’ I grinned at them both.

‘Well hello stranger,’ smiled Ben slamming the car door and slinging his jacket over one shoulder. ‘It’s not often
two
good looking women greet me at the end of a hard day’s work.’

Nell threw me a questioning glance. I gave a meaningful look back. She frowned.

‘I was going to ask Nell if I could pinch a couple of tea bags,’ I smiled brightly.

‘Since when have you ever drunk tea?’ Ben looked amused.

‘Oh it’s not for me. It’s for the twins. They wanted to try it. But not to worry, I’ll go to Tesco. I need loads of other stuff anyway.’

‘Well there’s no need to rush off,’ said Ben. ‘Come in and have a coffee with us.’

‘That’s very kind but I won’t. I only wanted to say hello anyway. Haven’t seen you for ages Ben. So hello! And, er, goodbye.’

‘Cass?’ Ben called after me. ‘Are you okay? Not lonely or anything? You’re very welcome to come in. Have a drink and a pow-wow.’

‘Oh!’ I brightened perceptibly. ‘That would be-’

I caught sight of Nell standing behind Ben, an index finger making slicing motions across her throat. My eyes bulged a bit as I caught her drift.

‘-highly inconvenient I’m afraid.’

‘Really?’ Ben looked perplexed. ‘I was hoping you girls might indulge in some gossip and leave me free for a swift half at the local.’ He was already sliding back into his jacket and taking a tentative step down the driveway.

‘Excellent idea,’ I strode determinedly over to Nell. ‘See you later.’

‘What time do you want me back darling?’ Ben called to his wife.

‘As soon as possible,’ Nell replied through gritted teeth as she pulled me into the hallway and shut the door on her bemused husband. ‘What in God’s name are you playing at Cass?’

‘Have you talked to him yet?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I don’t want to. I can handle this on my own.’ She strode angrily into the kitchen and started banging things about, shaking oven chips into a tray and sloshing baked beans into a saucepan.

‘Nell please. Don’t do it,’ I begged.

‘Cass, I’m going through hell enough without you standing there pleading with me. I need to psyche myself into this operation, not have you talk me out of it.’

‘Nell, don’t do it. You will bitterly regret it.’

‘I don’t have a choice,’ she cried in exasperation.

‘How do you know you don’t have a choice until you’ve talked to Ben?’ I shouted. ‘This has everything to do with him too you know.’

‘IT’S MY BODY!’

‘Sure it is,’ I yelled back, ‘and you’re his wife and THAT’S HIS BABY!’

‘It’s not a baby,’ Nell growled.

‘No? What is it then?’

Nell gave me a stubborn look. ‘Nothing more than a rudimentary collection of cells.’

‘With a heart beat,’ I added.

She glared at me and then heaved a sigh. ‘Look, I know you mean well Cass and I’m grateful that you care.’

‘Of
course
I care,’ I cried.

‘But my mind is made up. I have no choice in the matter and I’m going to terminate.’

‘And how are you going to pay for it?’ I asked.

‘I’m going to get a bank loan.’

‘And keep that secret from Ben too.’

‘Yes. I will keep everything secret from Ben.
Every
thing.’

‘I don’t think so,’ said a voice.

Nell’s face went the colour of putty. I spun round to see Ben standing in the kitchen doorway.

‘I only came back to dump my briefcase and heard raised voices. I think I’ve got the gist of what you’ve both been yelling about. Now if you don’t mind Cass, I think Nell and I have some talking to do.’

Appalled, I quickly glanced back at Nell. She was staring past me, looking at Ben in wide-eyed horror. Suddenly her legs gave way. Slowly she slithered down the kitchen units until her bottom came to rest against the floor. Her hands fluttered up to her eyes and softly she began to weep.

‘Ben I-’

‘Thanks Cass, I’ll see to her. She’ll be fine.’ Ben’s tone was curt and dismissive. I nodded helplessly and stumbled out.

Over the next few days I didn’t see or hear anything from either Nell or Ben. There didn’t seem to be anybody at home when I knocked on the door. Telephone calls went straight to the answering machine and text messages were not responded to. I wondered where Dylan was. Staying with his grandparents? I felt dreadful that my attempt to privately reason with Nell had backfired so abysmally, that I’d been pivotal in Ben finding out in such a clumsy way. It filled me with both anguish and guilt. I wondered how my dear friend was, where she was and whether she’d already had the termination.

The weekend arrived. Moments after the twins’ departure to Stevie’s, I flung myself energetically into decorating. Hunkering down with my precious white paint, I tipped it extravagantly into a brand new paint tray. It rippled out like a flowing white ribbon. The smell shot up my nostrils and saturated the air.