Stone, Rayna - Safe Haven (Mastering Holly Oaks 2) [Siren Publishing Classic] (4 page)

Chapter
Four

When Kelly got home, Troy was sitting on her front porch. Well, apparently her day wasn’t over yet. She was really hoping he was a slow reader. Maybe fell asleep halfway through. God, she did want to face this, but that didn’t mean it was easy. She’d had no idea what her next move would be if he turned her down. She just couldn’t imagine letting anyone else touch her, dominate her. Shit, maybe she’d moved too fast with this. He was going to go ballistic when he found out she couldn’t even let a guy touch her in a sexual manner. It’d be like trying to Dom a wild filly. Maybe he’d brought carrots with him? Shit, she was screwed.

“Hey, Troy. Want to come in?” She couldn’t help but be timid right now. Troy just nodded his head and stepped aside to let her open the door.

“We need to talk, Kelly.” He was making himself comfortable on her couch and patting the next seat for her to sit. She took the chair across from him and he huffed out a laugh. “Kelly, I need some more information than what was in those reports. I know it must have been a really traumatic experience, so I won’t go into the attack yet, but I need some history. I need to know what’s been going on since then.” Well, that made sense. She’d have been concerned about his ability to top her if he didn’t get some more facts about her. She nodded for him to continue.

“I also need to know what you expect from me. But this is going to be a two-way street, Kelly. I won’t begin this unless I get your agreement to some of my terms. We can negotiate scenes and how we want to proceed. I’ll do my best to ensure your needs are met, but I have needs of my own. If you aren’t willing to consider those, then this isn’t going to work.” She knew he’d have expectations. That was how a sexual D/s relationship was supposed to work. She was more than willing to see to his needs, provided she could physically get to the touching part.

She didn’t just want him to top her. It was imperative she be able to trust him enough to help her determine how far her submission went. She knew enough to know that anyone could
take
the control. She wanted to be able to
give
it. If she couldn’t do that, she had little hope of ever having a real relationship with him. God, she hoped he might want that someday. She was still too nervous to talk to him, so she just nodded again.
Jesus, words would be nice, Kel. Get your shit together.

“I don’t want a D/s agreement or contract. This will not begin and end at the club. If you want me to top you, it will be a part of a real relationship between us. I want honesty and commitment from you in and out of the bedroom.” Troy was staring at Kelly’s blank face. This would be where those words could be handy. He wanted all that
now
? When she still had so much shit to work through and he was hunting down a serial killer?

“Troy, I hadn’t really considered you would want a real relationship from me yet. It’s not that I’m not interested in you. Actually, the idea is really appealing to me. But you need to know that I haven’t let a man touch me since the attack. Well, not in any intimate way, at least. I’m still a virgin, for God’s sake. Flynn never had sex with me. He was waiting. I haven’t been able to even think about a sexual relationship until now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you what you need. In fact, I never dated anyone but Flynn. I don’t even know how to do that. What if I’m completely defective when it comes to emotional commitments, too? This could be a disaster.” There. Maybe now he’d understand that this might not be such an easy endeavor. She couldn’t even discuss it without sounding like a five-year-old. In fact, she was pretty sure she hadn’t felt this inadequate since she
was
five. God, this was embarrassing.

“I’m a successful businesswoman who is thirty-three years old and scared shitless of relationships. I started topping subs to get my confidence back and then used it as shield to avoid any attachments to men. I’m the emotional equivalent of a newborn, Troy. I really want to try this, but I understand if you aren’t interested in teaching me how to be a girlfriend right now. God, do you even call a woman in her thirties a girlfriend? See, I don’t even know the terminology!” Kelly could feel the heat of embarrassment and frustration overtaking her whole body. She was trying desperately to maintain some control over her emotions. She could negotiate deals and handle employees, but this wasn’t business and she knew she was woefully inexperienced in personal relationships. Kelly buried her face in her hands and prayed he just quietly got up and left. She needed to throw a tantrum over the ass she made of herself, and she needed privacy for that.

Kelly felt him scoop her up out of her chair and carry her over to the couch. She lowered her hands to peek at his face. Why was he smiling at her? He should be running for the hills. Once he had her settled in his lap, he folded her in his arms. Oh, God, it felt really nice. To be held. To feel his heat. She didn’t know how much she longed to feel human contact like this.

“Kelly, relationships aren’t rocket science. We just had more of a conversation than most couples can manage in months. It’s okay to be a bit vulnerable with me. I love how open you were. That’s all a relationship is, honey. Just talking about your fears and insecurities. You need to trust your partner to keep them safe. You can trust me that far, Kelly. I need to earn the rest, but if you can trust me enough to let me be strong for you, that’s our first step. I’m strong enough to handle you, Kelly. To be a reliable safe haven for you. You don’t have to be polished and in control all the time around me. I want my girlfriend to be human. That’s what you just showed me.

“We don’t have to worry about what anyone else does. We’ll take this relationship at our own pace. I’m not perfect, either. I’m a thirty-five-year-old man who needs a woman to be strong enough to handle my job and the stresses that come with it. I need her to shelter me sometimes, but I also need someone who will let me protect them, be strong for them, provide for their needs.”

Troy took a deep breath and cradled her face in his hands. “You’re an amazing woman, honey. You survived extreme physical and emotional abuse and found a way to shelter your heart with strength. Sometimes we need those walls, Kelly. We need to protect ourselves in order to heal. You were
not
hiding behind Mistress Kelly. You were healing and growing. Now you’re ready to lower those walls because deep down, you know you have the strength to risk it. You already are what I need and what I want. No more worries about your experience. This will be a new experience for both of us. We’ll make our own rules. And no more worries about sex. You’re already letting me touch you. I’ll go slowly. We’ll take all of this at our own pace, okay?”

Jesus, he was right. She had snuggled into him the more he talked. Her heart wasn’t racing anymore, and she actually believed him. She could be what he needed, too. He wouldn’t rush her, but he would guide her. She could let herself be vulnerable with him. She could also help ease
his
worries. She did have strength to offer. He would show her how to fly again, and he would catch her if she fell.

“Okay, Troy.” She gave him a brilliant smile. “We’ll try a relationship. But I don’t want you to treat me like a fragile flower, okay? I’ll tell you if something is too much or too fast for me. Deal?”

“You got it, baby. I want to take you to dinner tomorrow night. After that I’ll be working till Friday night. We’ll call each other and just talk, okay? Get to know each other this week. Then on Friday, I want to take you to the club. We’ll have a scene in one of the private rooms with a viewing window. I want you to bring the person you trust the most to keep watch. That way you know someone other than me is looking out for any signs of distress. I won’t push you too hard during your first scene, but I will push. You’ll be safe, honey. I’ll always keep you safe.” When she gave him her agreement, he pulled her closer and gently brushed his lips against hers. It was her first kiss in twelve years, and it was the most chaste, beautiful moment of her life.

Kelly must have fallen asleep in Troy’s arms. His rapid inhale and stiffening body had her waking up. “What’s wrong?” she mumbled groggily.

“There’s a massive dog staring at me. Do you have a massive dog? I didn’t see him until now, but he is definitely staring at me.” Kelly turned her head to see her black Lab Carson amble their way. Troy was frozen. He looked like he was afraid to move. Carson sniffed at his leg and then licked the shit out of his still-frozen hand. What the hell? That damn dog had never once licked her. When she looked at Troy, she noticed his face had gone a tad green and he looked horrified.

“It’s just my dog Carson. Are you allergic to dogs? Why do you have that look on your face?” Should she be getting Benadryl?

“I’m just not the biggest fan of dogs. Do you have any idea how many germs are on that dog’s tongue? Oh, God, does he have all his vaccinations? I think I should wash my hands. There are, like, a million different kinds of infectious bacteria in his mouth.” Holy shit, he was serious. He was afraid of dogs and a germaphobe. Her day just got so much better.

“I think it’s really cute that you’re afraid of dogs and germs, Troy, but I’ll protect you. He won’t attack you. Actually, he’s supposed to be a trained watchdog, but since you’ve been here more than an hour and he didn’t even bark, I think he failed that particular course. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, and he’s definitely vaccinated. He doesn’t have fleas or any other parasites, but he probably does have a ton of bacteria. He’s a big fan of licking his own balls.” Troy promptly stood up and deposited Kelly back on the couch.

“Where’s the bathroom? That is disgusting…and I’m not afraid of dogs or germs. I’m just sensible.” Kelly pointed the way to the bathroom with a smirk on her face. Yup, this relationship stuff was going to be awesome.

Chapter
Five

“How about this one?” Kat was holding a pink baby-doll dress with apparent longing. Jesus, no way in hell was anyone getting her in pink or anything resembling baby clothes. She hadn’t worn soft or frilly in so long she felt a little ridiculous shopping in this section.

The past week had been amazing. Dinner was relaxed and fun. She didn’t know dating could be so enjoyable. Troy was funny and intelligent. He was interested in her spa and the business side of the club. She felt like she could tell him anything. He even opened up about his job and how difficult it could be to work violent crimes. She never really thought about how detectives could work the same case for years. On TV, even serial killers were caught within the hour and forensics always solved the crime. She was finding out that real life was nothing like that. He had been doggedly hunting his serial killer for over a year now. There were no guarantees he would ever find him even though he had a lead, and so far, there really weren’t any forensics to speak of. She couldn’t imagine how frustrating a job like that would be, but she knew already that she wanted to be the one he came to when he needed to let it overcome him. She wanted to hold him after a bad day and just let him find peace in her arms.

He told her how difficult finding a woman was for him. That they usually bugged out when they realized his job often came first. Vanilla relationships always lacked the emotional and physical bond that could be developed in their lifestyle, but on the other hand, he found that most submissives required more than he could give. He wasn’t a hard-core Dom, didn’t want to live the life 24/7. Kelly really liked that he wanted to limit their D/s interaction to their sex life. She felt a tremendous weight lift from her shoulders when he talked about how he admired her self-reliance and the work she did to train subs. He even suggested she keep up with her training. He understood how important it was to provide newcomers with an education about the lifestyle. And he trusted her. He wouldn’t be jealous of her training techniques, because she didn’t participate in sexual play.

They talked on the phone every night and she fell asleep with his voice in her head. He asked a lot about her feelings toward Flynn, what she liked about submitting to him, how she felt about his betrayal and abuse. She never even told James all the things she could tell Troy. And he seemed to understand. He didn’t make her feel like she should have known better, or that she should be ashamed. He’d seen abuse cases before, he knew how it could happen, and he didn’t judge her. He didn’t even express pity for her. She was grateful for that. She had struggled with her past for long enough. She wanted a man to see her, not feel pity for the girl she had been.

Tonight they were going to the club. It would be the first time she ever went into her own club as a submissive. She always wore very severe black leather corsets and tight skirts. She’d have her hair pulled into a low ponytail and pile on dramatic makeup. She even wore thigh-high, black stiletto boots to give her more height. Tonight, she needed a different look. She wanted to be softer, more vulnerable, more herself. She didn’t care about what was standard attire for subs or Dommes, she just wanted to show Troy that she was a woman. That this side of her was approachable, even desperate for his strength.

And she was. She could admit that she was desperate to let go of her ironclad control. She was desperate to let Troy take the reins for a while and remind her that it was okay to be a little needy with him. She didn’t worry if that made her weak. She knew that wasn’t it at all. She wasn’t a little girl under the influence of a man who had taken advantage of her. She was a strong woman, strong enough to know her own desires and go after them.

But she wasn’t kitten. There was absolutely no way she was wearing any of the shit Kat had picked out. Hell, if Kat wasn’t pregnant and just grabbing everything she could no longer fit into, she wouldn’t want to wear it either. But she had to tread carefully here because the bottom line was, Kat was
very
pregnant. And very pissed that she was essentially wearing a toga tonight. Christ, she was heading over to the sparkly clothes.

“Oooh, look at this, Kelly. Isn’t it just so pretty?” No, it was an abomination.

“Kat, it looks like someone got high and had a field day with a Bedazzler. Seriously? Can we just look for something feminine and any color other than pink?”
Please, no more pink
.

“Fine, little Miss Bitchy McBitcherson. You go look for something utterly boring and I’ll just waddle over to the muumuu section. When you’ve found something appropriately drab enough, send the crane over for me. We’ll go get our fucking hair done. Did you know that your hair changes when you’re pregnant? My beautiful curls are turning into corkscrews. And then, after I have this baby, I’ve been informed that all my hair will fall out! Isn’t that a lovely picture? So go ahead, don’t mind the mammoth that just wants to see
someone
get to wear something pretty.” Kat stomped away as best she could with her little waddle. Damn. It was like walking in a minefield lately. And she had a feeling she was getting way too much information about pregnancy. Most women seemed to keep some of the pregnancy horrors under wraps. Maybe it was their way of luring more unsuspecting females into their motherly ranks. Not Kat. She spilled every astonishing and grotesque detail.

Usually Kat was so easy to embarrass. The best part was that she often walked right into a ridiculous situation and left Kelly staring at her in openmouthed shock. Now, she didn’t even wait for Kelly to make a move. She just shot verbal bombs over the bow in advance. Kelly was so going to store up ammunition for when this child was born.

Two hours later, and after a rather disgusting conversation about something called a mucus plug, Kelly was staring at herself in her mirror, trying to calm her nerves. She’d chosen a champagne-colored slip with matching garters and stockings. She’d wear her delicate satin slippers and leave her hair down. Most of the people at the club already knew that she would be subbing tonight. She had ended all her commitments to other subs for the time being and most understood. She hadn’t told anyone about her past or her reasons for “switching,” just that she wanted to explore her needs. Kent, another Dom and friend of hers, knew the whole story, but outside of her friends, no one needed any more information.

They didn’t plan to spend the whole evening at the club. They were going to scene and come back to her place. She had no idea what her emotional response would be, but she didn’t want to air it out in front of everyone. She’d have rather stayed home tonight for this first foray into a more intimate relationship with Troy, but he had insisted that a more public venue would be safer for her. He felt she needed to know, if only subconsciously, that she had backup. She knew he was concerned that she would second-guess herself because she had misjudged Flynn, but Kelly was sure of Troy. Just the fact that he would allow another Dom to monitor them for her peace of mind meant the world to her.

Kelly checked in on the second floor of the club. This was where those in their community could gather and socialize. It was where all her friends were waiting for her, there if she needed them. She had asked James to watch in on their scene tonight. He knew the most about what she had been through and was a damn good Dom. He would know if Troy needed to slow down.

Looking at her friends at their usual table was a little unnerving. Everyone was sitting with goofy smiles on their faces, kind of like they were watching a child graduate from kindergarten. Maybe it was a bit odd to have your friends actually be proud that you’re taking a first step toward sexual liberation, but she supposed most things in their world were a little left of center. That was part of why she loved it.

Kelly stopped breathing as soon as she saw Troy. He was wearing a button-down silk shirt and suit pants. She couldn’t remember if she had ever seen him in anything but jeans. Damn. He was one edible man. And he had dressed up for her. She felt like a teenager going to prom. Again, another totally off-center thought considering what she was really doing. Prom had nothing on bondage and nipple clamps. As he approached the table, Kelly gracefully slid out of her chair and knelt at his feet. She spread her legs wide and arched her back as she laced her fingers at the back of her head, her elbows out and her eyes down. For some reason, it felt more natural to kneel for this man than it ever had for Flynn. Her only concern right now was if this position was pleasing to him. She wanted to show him she was ready to give him everything.

* * * *

Damn. Kelly was more beautiful tonight than Troy could have imagined. Gone were the clothes that covered every inch of her skin. Her hair was loose and flowing down her back. Usually she looked so severe, but tonight, she just looked open and soft. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but her barely there dress was not it. If he didn’t get his dick under control soon, he wouldn’t be able to focus on her needs. That was not acceptable. Tonight was for her. He would show her that she could lean on him, trust him to know what she needed and how to give her that and more. He needed to make her understand that he would cherish the gift of her submission. Troy took any level of power exchange seriously. He would not fail her or belittle what all of this meant for both of them.

She was kneeling so gracefully before him, offering herself to him. The feeling of pride he had for this woman astounded him. There was a moment of hushed silence in the room as everyone noticed such a strong woman submitting in such a practiced manner for him. He could understand. It was a stunning sight.

“Eyes on me, baby. I want you to know who you’re with at all times. I’m honored by your display. You’re so beautiful like this, but I don’t want to miss a moment of it. I will never ask you to lower your eyes for me. I want to know you’re right here with me, understand?” His voice was a little rougher than he expected, but the emotion he was feeling right now was overwhelming.

“Yes, Sir,” Kelly whispered.

“I need you to tell me what you want, Kelly. I will never assume with you.” He wouldn’t make her beg, but he wanted her to express her needs, to feel comfortable enough to ask him for what she wanted. He would never take her where she didn’t want to go.

“I want you, Sir. I want you to free me.” The look of longing in her eyes was almost his undoing. She was truly giving him access to her very soul. Those few simple words said everything. She trusted him to release her from her pain. She wanted to feel again. Her honesty almost brought him to his knees right along with her. He knew in that moment that he would always be
her
slave. They belonged together.

“Come with me, baby.” He held out his hand to her and nodded at James as he turned to go to the third floor. He wished it wasn’t necessary to have James be a part of this moment between them, but he would sacrifice anything to prove to her that her well-being was his paramount concern. Once they got to the room he had requested, he opened the viewing window and signaled for Kelly to stand under the overhead restraints.

Without a word, she held her hands out to him. He didn’t see an ounce of fear or trepidation in her eyes. She was breathing deeply and her body was relaxed. He gently bound her wrists with the padded leather cuffs he’d brought for her. As he checked the fit and began raising her arms over her head, he leaned close to smell her shampoo. God, everything about this woman was an aphrodisiac. She smelled like pears and spring air. Nuzzling her neck and breathing deeply, he was close enough to feel her sigh. “I’m going to restrain your arms tonight, baby. I’m going to learn your body, and I don’t want your mind to interfere with your pleasure. If any of your instincts are to shield yourself from me, the restraints will stop you. It may take time, honey, but I want your body and mind to learn that you never have to protect yourself from me. I will never hurt you.”

“I understand, Sir. I’m not afraid. I want this so much. Please touch me, Sir. Wipe his hands away from my body.” Kelly was so earnest in her request. Like she could still feel that bastard’s touch and knew Troy would replace the hurt with his love. He wanted to erase that man from her memory if he could. At the very least, he would make sure it was his caress she felt on her skin.

Before he clipped her wrists to the overhead system, he lifted her dress off her body in one smooth move. He had to take a second to breathe and shove down the impulse to take her now. She had the body of a goddess. She was toned and lithe from swimming, a testament to the strength of a woman’s body. At the same time, she was so soft and full of curves. Her hips would cradle him perfectly, and her breasts were full and lush. Her stomach had a small swell that made him think of how gorgeous she would look rounded with his baby. He had never viewed a woman in that way in his life. But with Kelly, he saw his future. He wanted to watch her grow with their child. He wanted them connected in that most primitive way.