Straight Boy: A Short Story (5 page)

But later that night, as he lay in his bed, Sage found his fingers slipping down to stroke his asshole. He massaged it and pushed a finger inside, the sensation going straight to his cock. Before long, he was finger-fucking himself, small, half-broken moans leaving his lips as he imagined Xavier’s heavy body on top of him as Xavier fucked him hard, harder, so good.

He came embarrassingly fast without even touching his cock, clenching around his fingers, and still
needing
so badly despite coming. Still starved.

“I hate you,” he whispered into the darkness.

I need you
.

* * *

Someone once said most people would rather deny a hard truth than face it.

Sage wasn’t in denial. At least he didn’t think he was in denial. He was honest enough with himself to admit that he couldn’t be completely straight after a year of taking it up the ass and…not hating it. He certainly couldn’t be completely straight after what happened in the park yesterday.

The problem was, Sage didn’t identify himself as gay, either. Men did nothing for him. Sage had even checked out the guys at work, but he didn’t feel even a glimmer of attraction to any of them, no matter how good-looking they were.

Hell, he had even bought some gay porn.

And gay porn was gross. And boring. At least that was the conclusion Sage came to after an hour of watching it.

Bored out of his mind, he leaned back against the pillow and watched the movie disinterestedly. On the screen, two men were fucking. It didn’t turn him on in the slightest. There was nothing arousing about watching a dick move in and out of someone’s hairy asshole.

Definitely not gay, then. Still straight.

But instead of making him feel relieved, the thought just made him uneasy and confused. He didn’t get it.

Sighing, Sage turned the TV off.

Closing his eyes, he thought of Laura. Her plush soft lips. Her silky skin. Her full breasts. The way she felt under him. Her wet, tight opening.

His dick remained soft.

Solid, heavy body pinning him down, strong hands pushing his thighs apart, firm lips kissing him, bruising him—

Sage opened his eyes, glanced at the bulge in his shorts and swore through his teeth. For fuck’s sake.

* * *

“All right, what’s going on?”

His girlfriend’s voice was very even. Controlled. Her lovely face was inscrutable as she stared at him from the doorway.

Reluctantly, Sage stepped aside, letting Laura enter his apartment. “I don’t know what you mean,” he said, awkwardly, unable to meet her eyes. His stomach churned. He’d never thought he’d be that guy.

Laura laughed. It was an empty, jarring sound. “I’m not stupid. You’ve been avoiding me for the past week. Ever since—ever since the sex.”

He grimaced. He’d already completely forgotten about their unsuccessful attempt to fix their sex life. “It’s not that.”

“Then what?” she snapped.

Sighing, Sage turned away, walked to the couch and flopped onto it. Stretching out on his back, he closed his eyes and ran a hand over his face.

“Don’t you dare ignore me!”

“I’m not ignoring you,” Sage murmured. “Just trying to man up and tell you the truth.”

A pause. “The truth?”

“Yeah. I didn’t tell you something.” Sage bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood. “You’ve probably heard the rumors—about things that happen in prison.” She inhaled sharply, but he continued before he could lose the nerve, “When I was in prison, I had sex with a man. I was his—his bitch. He fucked me whenever he wanted. He ordered me to do things. He used me. He basically owned me. And everyone knew.”

The minutes stretched on, the silence weighing heavily between them in a way that it had never had before.

At last, Laura spoke, but her reaction was different from what he had expected.

“You should have told me,” she said hoarsely. “I suspected something like that happened. You should have told me. It wasn’t your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of—”

“I liked it.”

His face was hot. He didn’t look at her. Couldn’t.

“What?” she whispered.

Bracing himself, Sage finally did look at her. “I liked it,” he repeated, holding her gaze. Strange, but now that he’d admitted it, it was easier. “It embarrassed me, it made me angry, it was humiliating as hell, but deep down, I liked it. I liked being his thing.”

Laura opened her mouth and closed it.

“I liked being fucked,” he heard himself say. He felt as though someone else had taken control of his mouth. Or maybe it was him. Maybe he wanted to shock her, to disgust her, to make her lash out at him. He deserved it.

She stared at him. “Why are you— why are you telling me this? Are you saying you’re gay now?”

Sage chuckled harshly, sat up, and ran a hand over his eyes. “No. Don’t think so. Guys do nothing for me. I even watched gay porn. Maybe it was just bad porn, but it didn’t turn me on at all. So I’m still straight. But…”

“But?”

He averted his gaze. There were still some things that were hard to admit to one’s girlfriend. But after what happened in the park, the problem was impossible to ignore. Sage’s lips twisted. “But I know I’ll end up under him if gets anywhere near me again.”

Silence.

The steady ticking of the clock on the wall was the only sound in the room.

“Are you— were you in love?”

Sage blinked. The question honestly startled him. Love? Xavier?

“Of course not,” he said with a snort. Then, for some reason, he remembered something Xavier had said in the park.
Baby
. Sage’s stomach did a flip-flop. “Of course not,” he repeated, with less certainty.

“Is he still in prison?” Laura asked.

“No.” Sage hesitated, choosing his words carefully. His stomach twisted into a tight knot that crawled up his throat and settled there. “I ran into him a few days ago.”

“And?”

Sage met her eyes and flushed.

Her breathing hitched. “Oh my god.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice clipped. “I never meant for it to happen. It’s just—when I saw him—when I saw him, I couldn’t stop it. I—I—”

“Shut up. Just shut up.” Laura glowered at him. “I waited a year for you—”

“I didn’t ask you to!”

“I waited a year for you,” she said again, her voice shaking a little. “But you— you— If you expect me to forgive you, fucking think again!”

“I don’t expect you to forgive me,” Sage said tightly. “I have no right.”

“Damn right you don’t.” Her shoulders sagged. She shook her head. “That’s— That’s it. I’m done. We’re done.” She headed for the door.

“I’m sorry,” Sage said quietly when she put her hand on the doorknob.

“You should be,” she said and walked out.

* * *

“Laura left me.”

His therapist’s gaze was sharp and probing. Dr. Richardson said, “She did? Why?”

“I told her about Xavier.” Sage looked down at his hands. “About what happened in prison.”

“I see. I gather she didn’t take it well.”

Sage shook his head, his lips twisting. “She took it quite well, actually. Until I told her I ran into him a few days ago and—and couldn’t help myself.”

Silence.

“Do you feel guilty?” Dr. Richardson said at last.

Frowning, Sage looked up. “What do you think? Of course I feel guilty.”

She held his gaze. “Do you feel guilty for hurting her? Or do you feel guilty for still wanting him, despite feeling that you shouldn’t?”

Sage moistened his lips with his tongue. “I… I don’t know. Probably both.”

She cocked her head, regarding him thoughtfully. “Why do you feel you shouldn’t want him?”

“Because—because he’s a man.” Sage shook his head. “No, it’s not that. He messed me up. Messed everything up. I mean, I was normal before. I knew what I wanted from life. I had a girlfriend I loved, planned to marry her at some point, have kids—normal things, you know. But he fucked me up and now I want all the wrong things. Things I shouldn’t want.”

The look Dr. Richardson gave him could only be described as patient. “Sage,” she said softly. “There’s no such thing as normal. There is no definition of normal. Normal is subjective. You can’t—and shouldn’t—force yourself to want something ‘normal’ and stop wanting what you truly want. It’s a sure way to make your life miserable.”

Sage shook his head. “You don’t understand. It’s not like I’m homophobic or something. It’s not what bothers me the most.”

“Then what?”

Sage looked out the window. It was getting dark. He stared at the moon and said,

“When I saw him, it was like—like— I couldn’t think at all. It was frightening. It was unhealthy. I just wanted—needed it. Wanted him to use me and to—to…I couldn’t think.”
Just wanted to crawl under his skin and have him consume me.

“I don’t want this,” he whispered, clenching his fists. “I don’t.”

* * *

There was no logical reason for him to go through the park again. Yes, it was the shortest way home, but he rarely used it. There were other shortcuts. Safer.

Yet the next evening after his visit to the therapist, Sage found himself walking home through the park. He wasn’t hoping to run into Xavier again. He wasn’t. It just… There was no reason for him
not
to use this shortcut. If he had met Xavier here once, it didn’t mean he would run into him again. Maybe it had really been a chance encounter and Xavier hadn’t been stalking him. Maybe he would never see Xavier again.

The park was empty and eerily quiet. The sound of his footsteps seemed unnaturally loud. Creepy. Sage shoved his hands into his pockets and quickened his stride, looking around.

“Looking for someone?” A heavy hand landed on his shoulder and shoved him against the nearest tree.

Sage glared at Xavier. The lamppost’s light was poor and he could barely make out Xavier’s expression. “Not you.”

The corner of Xavier’s mouth curled up. “Could have fooled me.”

His grip on his shoulder was painful. Sage sucked a breath through his gritted teeth. “Are you stalking me?”

Chuckling, Xavier put the other hand over Sage’s head and leaned in. “Newsflash,” he murmured, his warm breath almost brushing Sage’s lips. “The world doesn’t revolve around you, Blue Eyes.”

“Oh yeah?” Sage said, grabbing a fistful of Xavier’s hair. “So it’s a coincidence, then? You just happened to take a walk here?”

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you,” Xavier said, his hand shifting from Sage’s shoulder to his throat and squeezing it lightly. Sage shivered. Xavier smiled. “If you must know, I actually work not far from here.”

Sage blinked. The idea of Xavier doing something as normal as working was strange. Hell, the fact that Xavier wasn’t an inmate anymore was strange. Sage still couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it. And it totally didn’t help that Xavier was so close—it was distracting. More distracting than it should have been.

Sage turned his head, so that Xavier’s breath brushed only his cheek, and said stiffly, “It doesn’t explain why you’re all over me. What happened a few days ago was a mistake. I’m not— I’m not like that.”

Xavier grazed his teeth along Sage’s jawline. Sage squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m sure you aren’t,” Xavier murmured, trailing his parted lips over his cheek, to his ear.

Sage clenched Xavier’s hair tighter in his fist. “I’m not.”

“You aren’t,” Xavier said into his ear before biting his earlobe and sucking it into his mouth. A small noise left Sage’s lips. He was shivering.

“Don’t,” he managed, trying to open his eyes, trying to make himself push Xavier away. His body didn’t obey.

Xavier’s hand slid down Sage’s bare arm, sending goosebumps all over his skin. His nose pressed against the side of Sage’s face. Nuzzled there. “You smell nice, Blue Eyes.”

You, too
. He nearly said it, because Xavier’s subtle, masculine scent was driving him crazy. He wanted—he
needed
—

Sage turned his head, blindly seeking Xavier’s lips. He wanted to be kissed. Wanted Xavier’s tongue in his mouth. In him.

But Xavier pulled away and straightened up.

Gasping, Sage opened his eyes and blinked, trying to make out that shadowed face in the dim light of the lamppost.

Xavier wasn’t looking at him. He was looking aside, his jaw clenched. Tension was coming off him in almost visible waves. Tension and anger.

Realizing his hand was still tangled in Xavier’s hair, Sage removed it.

Xavier flinched and looked back at him, dark eyes boring into him and making him hot all over.