Straightening Ali (10 page)

“
That girl, Mafooz. I don’t think she likes me,” Haseena said. This was probably true of most of the women of the community, who mistakenly marked Haseena as a loose woman for being married to a white non-Muslim man. Ali wondered how they would feel if they knew that Haseena liked to drink vodka and Coke, too. Luckily, they never frequented the types of places that Haseena went to, being far too respectable to even think of going to straight bars and clubs, let alone the gay ones.

“
I don’t know. She’s probably jealous of you,” Ali said, trying to reassure her.

“
So why are you getting married?” Haseena asked, getting back to the point. “I thought you were clear about your sexuality. You’re one of the few people that I know who’s not confused,” she said, sounding amazed by Ali’s decision.

“
My family asked me to,” Ali said.

“
Your family asked you to, and you said yes?” Haseena asked in bewilderment. “But you’re definitely gay, aren’t you?”

“
I was, but I can’t be anymore,” Ali said. He’d resigned himself to this decision over the last couple of days.

“
Stop being silly, Ali. You know that being gay is not a matter of choice. You’re born that way. So what did they really say to make you agree to this wedding?” Haseena asked, knowing that there was more to Ali’s sudden decision than what he’d revealed so far.

“
I don’t want to talk about it,” Ali said, wanting to avoid reopening the fresh wounds he was trying to heal. Thinking about the way his family had treated him to get him to agree to the wedding still made him feel weak and nauseous.

“
What happened? Did they force you to agree?” Haseena asked, pressuring Ali for more information. She wanted him to open up and tell her everything, but the brave front he was putting up made him appear remote and distant. He seemed a shadow of his former self, his eyes sore and red from crying, and the dark circles around his eyes indicated that he hadn’t been sleeping.

Ali paused for a few seconds as if struggling for air. “Yes, they forced me to agree,” he cried finally, his voice hoarse as he burst into tears. Relieved that she was finally seeing some real emotion from him, Haseena pulled Ali into her arms hugging him tightly, as he began to cry uncontrollably.

“
It’ll be alright,” she said gently, stroking his hair.

“
I don’t know what to do,” he blubbered through the tears, gasping for breath asthmatically, as his body shook. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he repeated over and over again, as Haseena cradled him.

As the minutes ticked by, his tears slowly subsided and eventually turned into self-pitying whimpers, allowing Haseena a chance to speak. “You can leave, Ali. I can help you. I can find you somewhere to live. You can run away. You don’t have to go through with it.”

“
I have to,” Ali said. “It will kill my mother if I run away.”

“
It won’t kill her. Your mother’s been through worse things,” Haseena said. “Is that what they’ve told you? That you’ll kill her?”

“
Yes, but it’s true,” Ali admitted miserably. “She’s getting old and fragile. I have to try and make her happy.”

“
They’re just trying to emotionally blackmail you. You don’t have to do anything. Leave, Ali. Move out,” Haseena said, clearly worried for her young friend. She was unsure whether her words would make a difference, but she still had to try to make him see that there was a way out.

“
I can’t. I have to go ahead with it. If I don’t, I’ll hurt too many people,” Ali said unhappily. “I can’t let everyone down.”

“
Ali, I’ve been though this myself. I know it’s hard to make a break and leave, but you have to. Your family will survive this, but will you? You’ll hurt far fewer people if you leave now,” Haseena said, trying to persuade him to change his mind.

“
I can’t leave, Haseena, so let’s not talk about it! I just can’t do it,” Ali said, becoming tearful again.

“
Okay, I won’t if you don’t want me to,” Haseena said. “So what does your fiancée think about the marriage? Does she know that you’re gay?”

“
She doesn’t have a clue. None of her family does. I wanted to tell her when I met her, but I couldn’t. I don’t want to hurt her,” Ali said, remembering his meeting with Sajda.

“
That sounds all well and good, but how hurt do you think your fiancée will feel when she finds out that you’re gay?” Haseena asked.

“
She won’t find out. I’m cutting all ties with the past and moving on,” Ali said.

“
It’s not that easy. You’ll always be looking over your shoulder, always wondering if your past is going to catch up with you. Can you live like that?” Haseena asked.

“
I have to try, Haseena,” Ali said.

“
You won’t cope with being married, Ali. You’re not the type who could lead a double life. I’m really worried about you. What happens if you can’t deal with it? What will you do then? You look terrible now. What will you be like when you’re married? You have to leave,” Haseena urged desperately.

“
I’ll cope. I’m not expecting happiness, just stability,” Ali said.

“
I don’t think you will cope. This is a stupid idea,” Haseena said. “What if you end up doing something stupid?”

“
You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to kill myself, not that it will bother anyone in my family anyway. They’ll just say I had a mental breakdown, so that it won’t bring shame on them,” Ali said melancholically.

“
Oh, Ali,” Haseena said, hugging him again. He seemed so fragile and vulnerable. How was he ever going to cope? “Come to the living room. Let’s sit down and talk. My feet are killing me,” she said, taking off her apron and hanging it on a hook behind the door.

Ali followed her to the lounge. The mess in the room brought a smile to his face. It was what Haseena referred to as organized chaos. There were some old jazz records that Derek collected, piled high in one corner of the room, while her washing sat on the sofa waiting to be ironed, and a collection of old newspapers lay on the floor in another corner. Ali found some space next to the washing and sat down, while Haseena settled herself on the sofa opposite him.

“
I’m sorry. I was just being melodramatic,” Ali said trying to convince Haseena. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

“
I hope so, Ali. I really hope so. Right now, you have a choice, even if you don’t believe it. It’s your life,” Haseena said. “Getting married is still your decision, but there will be consequences if you make the wrong choice.”

“
I know it’s my choice, but I’ve made my decision. I have to stay and see it through. I don’t want to hurt my mother,” Ali said, picturing his mother’s distraught face if he left.

“
It’s only a week away. Have you thought about what you will do on the wedding night?” Haseena asked, knowing that Ali had never slept with a woman before.

“
I’m not sleeping with her straight away,” Ali said. “I’ll get to know her first, eventually we’ll fall in love, and then sex will follow naturally.”

“
You want to get to know her first? Well that’s a start, but I think you’re being really naïve to think it’s going to work out how you’re imagining it,” Haseena said. “It’s not just your wedding night. It’s hers too.”

“
I know, but I know she’ll want the same,” Ali said confidently. “Anyway, I’ve broken up with Steve. I know what this decision means. I’m committed to it, and I’ll make sure it works.”

“
Oh, Ali,” Haseena murmured in sympathy. “I was going to ask you about Steve. That’s one hell of a sacrifice to make. Giving up someone you love to marry someone you hardly know. I just hope it’s worth it.”

“
It will be. I know you say that I have a choice, but I can’t be philosophical about this. I don’t have a choice. It’s something that I have to do for my family. My happiness doesn’t fit into the equation, and I have to make these sacrifices,” Ali said despairingly.

“
I understand, Ali,” Haseena said. She wanted to do her best to support Ali, but she also wanted him to see what he was getting himself into. It seemed he was ignoring the reality of the situation. However, she didn’t want to say too much in case she pushed him away, and the last thing he needed now was to feel alienated and unable to speak to her.

“
My happiness does not matter anymore. It’s about my family’s happiness,” Ali continued, repeating what he’d said earlier.

“
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I’m here for you no matter what happens,” Haseena promised, trying her best to assure Ali of her continuing support. He needed to know she was there for him. He seemed so weak.

“
Thank you, Haseena, I’m lucky to have you as a friend,” Ali said, feeling overwhelmed by his friend’s words.

“
I have to go,” he said suddenly noticing the time on the mantelpiece clock. “I was only popping in quickly on the way to pick Ammi up from Soho Road.”

“
Well, a quick visit is better than no visit at all,” Haseena said sadly, knowing that Ali was making an excuse to leave as a way of escaping the bleak atmosphere the conversation had created. He’d probably had days of this already. “You’d better be off as you don’t want your mother to be left waiting too long. Not when she’s loaded down with all the wedding goodies that she’s probably bought.”

“
Yeah, I know,” Ali said grimacing.

“
We’ll need to arrange a good night out before your big day,” Haseena said. “A final goodbye to your favorite club, the Nightingale. What do you say?”

“
I’m not too sure. I don’t have many days left, Haseena,” Ali said, not wanting to let Haseena down, but worrying that it wasn’t probably appropriate to go to a gay club before his wedding.

“
Don’t worry. I’ll sort something out,” Haseena said with a wicked smile on her face.

“
She’s coming! She’s booked herself a plane ticket, and she’s on a flight to England!” Ali’s mother cried, rushing down the stairs at top speed.

“
Who’s coming?” Yasmin asked, startled by her mother’s disheveled appearance.

“
My mother, your naree,” she cried unhappily. “Her flight arrives in just under three hours. What am I going to do?” she cried pulling at her own hair. “Your Auntie Fazal just called from the airport to say that she’s waiting for the flight to arrive. Why did the kuthie not tell me that mother was coming?” Ali’s mother asked, cursing her sister in mir-pouri.

“
Yasmin, call Yunus at work, and tell him that he must drive us to the airport at once. You must get dressed and come with us, too,” she said to Ali who was sitting on the floor in front of the television watching a cartoon in his nightclothes. He’d not really done anything at all for the last couple of days. It was as if he’d fallen into a perpetual state of depression. “You’d better shave as well,” she added, without bothering to notice his forlorn and depressed state.

Ali got up without complaining. He’d been spending most of his time sleeping, watching television and keeping out of everyone else’s way. It was about time he did something even if it was with the family.

“
Start tidying the house up, Aneesa, I want to see it presentable by the time we get back,” Ali heard his mother instruct his younger sister. He heard Aneesa moan in objection, but he knew that his mother would make sure that Aneesa had the cleaning underway by the time she left.

Half an hour later, the whole family was gathered in the lounge, waiting to leave. “Have you put all the jewelry in the loft, Yasmin?” she asked her daughter.

“
Yes, I’ve put everything away. She won’t be able to get to it this time,” Yasmin said. Ali’s grandmother was a bit of kleptomaniac when it came to gold jewelry. The last time she’d visited, some of the jewelry had gone missing, and Ali’s mother had seen the same jewelry worn by relatives when she’d visited Pakistan. When confronted, his grandmother had denied all knowledge. Ali was quite proud of his grandmother, seeing her as a Pakistani Robin Hood who endeavored to distribute the wealth between family members.

Ali quietly joined Yasmin in the back seat of the car while his mother sat in the front with Yunus.

“
How dare she not tell me that she’s coming to England! Why does she tell Fazal everything that she is doing and not me? I’m her eldest daughter. I’m the one who sends her money every month. It’s my house that she’s living in, and it’s my land in Pakistan that feeds her,” Ali’s mother grumbled on the drive to Heathrow airport.

The journey took over three hours with all the congestion on the motorway. When they reached the arrivals terminal at the airport, the information boards showed that the PIA flight from Islamabad had been delayed by several hours.