Straightjacket (6 page)

Anna couldn’t bear to be next to her for another second. She whipped her head around, searching for something—anything—that might help her escape from this moment. It was business as usual for everyone else in the common area. They’d all lost interest in the family drama playing out in the corner. All of them except one.

As Anna’s eyes met Caleb’s, her thoughts raced. Had he been listening this entire time? The surface of her cheeks started to burn, but she couldn’t stop it. Caleb was a witness to her humiliation. It was all so embarrassing—her being here, her parents, this argument. But most of all she was ashamed of herself. She was nothing more than a trained dog, too timid to go against her masters who held all the power over her.

Yet…what was it that he was doing? He had zeroed in on her parents with a glare full of nothing less than loathing. His hands formed two fists, and it looked like he was about to leap up out of his seat and charge across the room toward them. His cheeks were flushed a deep red. When he turned his attention to Anna, holding her gaze for a moment, the muscles in his face suddenly relaxed. He nodded his head once and offered her a slight smile.

She was stunned. He had just witnessed her weakness, but he didn’t turn his head away in disgust, thinking she was pathetic. He didn’t hate her for letting herself be manipulated. Maybe somehow he could understand. No one had ever known what her life was like, what it was
really
like. Everything had always been hidden. But Caleb knew her secret now—had chosen to know—and he didn’t blame her.

She felt like crying from the relief of being discovered. Maybe she wasn’t alone after all. But it was more than that. Strangely, something stirred inside of her at the sight of him, something that hadn’t been there before. She didn’t know what it was or where it came from, but she felt it so strongly that the only thing she wanted to do was run across the room and talk to him and make the feeling stronger.

“Anyway,” her mother said, trying to reclaim Anna’s attention, “you would not
believe
what happened with Joyce yesterday.” She was pretending that nothing had happened, as she tended to do. Her father had returned to the dull glow of the television.

“She’s having a dinner party this weekend that she felt she needed to mention to me even though we’re not invited.” She was speaking to both of them, but her father’s eyes were still fixed on the television. “She said she’s having all the doctors in Jack’s practice over.” She said the word
doctors
like she was cursing. “I told her I didn’t know why she couldn’t include us. It’s not like your father’s a factory worker or something. He’s a dentist, for God’s sake. She made it quite clear that we’re not in that social circle. I don’t know who she thinks she is. Just because you’re not a doctor we’re not good enough?” Her voice dripped with venom.

Her father breathed a low
hmm
.

“Well, aren’t you insulted?”

“Yeah, yeah. I don’t know who she thinks she is.” His face was deadpan as he spoke, and the words came out blandly. He peered back into the television.

“That’s it for her,” she continued. “I’m sick of this. I told her not to bother to call me again. They’re all a bunch of snobs.”

This didn’t surprise Anna. It wasn’t the first time one of her mother’s friendships had ended badly. She had a way of cutting people out of her life the second she thought they betrayed her. She could hold a grudge for years. She would expertly dispose of traitors, skillfully cutting them out of her life like a surgeon removing a tumor. Part of her wished that her mother would do it to her.

She continued to ramble on about random things that Anna couldn’t care less about. She didn’t mind that Anna didn’t respond and her husband only grunted an occasional
hmm
. After half an hour, the credits to the television program her father was engrossed in rolled by on the screen.

“Okay.” He sighed. “Let’s go.”

“Walter, please don’t be so rude,” her mother replied, yet stood up all the same. Anna followed suit. Her father flipped his index finger up, as if he were calling over a waiter, and Carlene came over immediately.

“This way,” Carlene said, ready to take them back down the hall.

“Just a minute.” Her mother leaned over to whisper in Anna’s ear. “Just so we’re all on the same page, I told everyone you went to visit your aunt in Maine for the summer before you head off to Wellesley.” She gave her a peck on the cheek. Her father was already on his way out of the room, right behind Carlene.

Anna trailed behind them. Her mother’s heels clicked against the floor as she headed down the hallway, trailing her husband by a couple of feet. A few moments later, the locks of the unit doors snapped open.

“Bye,” Anna said dryly. Her parents disappeared through the double doors, and then she was alone again.

The strain of what just happened had taken its toll. Weak and tired, Anna forced herself back to the common room and sank deep into the upholstered chair in the corner. She didn’t know how to feel. Mostly she was numb; it was her mind’s way of protecting her after especially brutal interactions with her parents.

She spotted Caleb across the room. The urgency to go talk to him—to be near him—was the only thing that could find its way through the numbness. She scooted her way to the edge of the chair, ready to pop up and go to him.

But he wasn’t moving.

He was staring dumbly at the window, perfectly still with one arm suspended in the air. As she sunk back into the chair, the loneliness settled right in next to her.

Chapter Five

Caleb could see the window a few feet away and the suggestion of his arm resting easily in space, but he wasn’t really there. He’d detached himself from his body for now. Every now and then a figure would zoom by, moving too quickly for him to see who it was. He felt something next to him, its weight sinking into the couch, and he was vaguely aware of its warmth.

“Caleb?”

The voice was very clear inside of him. He knew right away that it belonged. He answered
yes
with his mind, and then he was standing in what seemed like an empty room. Instead of walls, he was surrounded by a dazzling light that extended out into infinity. The light should have blinded him, but he was able to stare straight into it without having to squint. Somehow he could make out millions of variations of color within it, and it all made sense. The air around him was warm and comforting, and it felt like home.

“How’s it going?” Samuel’s figure materialized right in front of him. He wore the same white polo shirt, the same patchwork madras pants, the same clean white golfing shoes that were as much a part of him as his smirk. This was this longest he’d ever been away from heaven; he’d almost forgotten Samuel’s voice. It didn’t sound like the voices that assaulted him in the hospital. It was strange to think of it as somehow restful. He had missed it.

“Oh, great. Everything’s fantastic.”

“Oh, come on now. I thought you had it covered, that you were prepared.”

“It’s different than the first couple of times. Those were practice runs. The real thing is…it’s just different. Anyway, where are we? Can’t we meet in the commons?”

“Nope.” Samuel pulled a golf club out from behind his back. He moved into his stance—knees bent and legs spread slightly with the club resting at an angle in front of him—and swung hard. He heard a swish as it sliced through the air. “You can’t come back,
really
come back, until you’ve done what you’re supposed to do. I guess you’d call this limbo. Your own little slice of heaven.”

“Huh. Wish I could see the studio, though, just for a second. I miss my stuff.”

“No.” Samuel assumed his stance again. “It would make things harder. You wouldn’t ever want to come back down. That’s why you’re here.” This time he swung the club even harder, and Caleb felt the vibrations in the air around him. “Anyway, I see you’re making some progress.”

“I’m not sure I’d call it progress. One minute she thinks I’m an artistic genius, and the next she looks at me like I’m a lunatic,” Caleb said glumly.

“Like I said, it’s not going to be easy.”

“I’m trying, I really am. It’s hard. There are so many…bad feelings. Bad things that get in the way. Things get to me, make me angry. It distracts me.”

“You just need to focus, filter out all the other stuff.”

That was easy enough for Samuel to say. He wasn’t there, living it.

“But she thinks I’m crazy.”

“Of course she does, dumbass. You’re in a psych ward. Just think of it as an added challenge.” He laughed as his club sliced through the air again.

“I’m glad you think this is funny.” Caleb was truly angry. He had never associated that with Samuel before. “Go back to your golf game and leave me alone.”

“Nope, I’m on a break right now. Besides, I’ve missed tormenting you.”

“Don’t worry—the people here are getting the job done.”

“Seriously, Caleb.” The brightness of his voice had vanished. “I know that this is shitty. But just try to focus on your job. I think you made a breakthrough when her parents were here.”

“You saw that?”

“I’m on top of it. Would I ever let you down?”

“Hmm,” Caleb grumbled.

“Just be careful.”

“Careful of what?”

“Don’t forget that you’re here to do a job. Once you’re done, you’ll come home. Don’t make things more complicated than they have to be.”

“What are you talking about? How am I making things more complicated?”

“You’re so obvious, Caleb.” He laughed. “You’ve got yourself a little crush on her. Fine, but don’t get too wrapped up.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snapped, surprised that his temper was flaring. “Stick to your golf game.”

Suddenly Caleb was staring at the window in the hospital. His arm felt heavy, and he couldn’t bear to hold it up for another second; it fell woodenly by his side onto the couch.

He was cold.

And lonely.

He must have come out of it under the two-hour mark. If he hadn’t, he would have found an IV stuck in his hand.

His back felt stiff and he twisted his entire trunk to the left. When he rotated to the right, he found Anna sitting next to him.

“Are you okay?” She sat a foot away from him, her fingertips white from gripping the ends of her sleeves. Her head was level while her eyes looked up to meet his.

“Um, yeah,” he answered, trying to regain control of his body. He could only imagine how foul his breath must smell. He swallowed hard, hoping it might do something to improve the likely stench. “What about you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I just thought…I saw your parents here before.”

“Yeah, you saw that, I know.”

He was still so stiff, and his body wanted him to leap up, do jumping jacks, run around the room, but he wouldn’t as long as she was next to him.

“Umm, what—what happens to you when you’re, you know, like that?”

He didn’t want to talk about himself; that wasn’t what he was here for. But it was a start, so he dug in. “It’s hard to put it into words. The official word for it is
catatonia
.”

“What does it feel like?” She was still so quiet, unsure. There was sympathy for him in her eyes, though. And those eyes—they were so blue and so pretty. He couldn’t stop staring into them. They managed to put him into a different kind of stupor.

“Well, uh…” He was the one struggling now. He needed to figure out how to describe it, and that in itself was hard enough without having to fight what those eyes were doing to him. He thought about how to answer, but it was like trying to tell a deaf person what a voice sounds like. “I know what’s happening around me for the most part. Like I could feel that there was someone sitting next to me.”

She broke eye contact with him and focused down on her hands, which were still gripping her sleeves.

He went on, trying to pick the right words. “At first I know what’s going on, but I’m not a part of it. Everything’s moving so fast all around me.” He was hesitant. “I know people who see me think I’m not moving, like I’m frozen, but I’m moving at my own speed. It doesn’t feel slow to me.”

“Are you lonely?”

“I’m lonely when I’m not like that.”

“But…wouldn’t it be the other way around?”

He took a breath and decided to let her in a little more, see if he could get anywhere—with the mission, of course.

“I’m not alone when I’m like that. I leave, and there’s someone there with me.” Her expression didn’t change as he explained it. She didn’t do anything. Was he scaring her?

“What do you mean? Where do you go? Who’s with you?”

“I go to a room. I meet a guy named Samuel.”

“And…who’s that?”

“He’s kind of like a guide.”

“Like, what kind of guide?”

He was proud of himself for focusing on the work and not the dark blue specks in her eyes. She was coming along with him; maybe he could lead her a little further and toward herself.

“When you first get to heaven, they give you a guide to teach you how things work. Samuel was mine.” Despite her barrage of questions, it was clear that she was growing uncomfortable. It looked like she had moved away from him a little when he hadn’t noticed. Despite the sudden urge to slide across the couch to make them close again, he managed to hold himself back.

“Then how come you’re still talking to him? You’re not in heaven anymore.”

“Because…” He swallowed hard, trying to push his mounting craving for her down deep where he couldn’t feel it. “He’s still helping me, in a way. I’m not in heaven because I was sent here to do something.”

“Do what?”

“I don’t know if I should tell you.” It was true; he wasn’t just trying to keep her interested. Maybe this was enough for now. Revealing too much too soon might push her away.

“No, tell me. I want to know.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, tell me.”

“It has to do with you.”

“With me?” Her voice was a little hostile. “What do you mean? What does it have to do with me?”