Stranger in the Mirror [Shades of Heaven] (Soul Change Novel) (36 page)

“What am I going to tell you about your mama, little man her?”

As she fought to keep the tears at bay, her deep breath betrayed her wakefulness.

Jesse swung around to face her. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

“I just woke up,” she said, swallowing hard. “Is he sleeping?”

“Yes.”

He came to the side of the bed, and she longed for him to take her hand. He didn’t. Instead those hands clenched the side of the table next to her bed.

“Did Lyle come in and talk to you this morning?”

“Yes. He said he was sorry he didn’t see it. He knew something wasn’t right with Carl, but he figured it was his way of mourning his son. I’ll have to testify at the trial.”

“So you’ll be back in town then?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

He leaned down, bowing his head for a moment. Expelling a long breath, he looked at her again. “He didn’t… hurt you, did he?”

“No, he didn’t hurt me. Or rape me. I was too ‘fat.’ Thank God for being pregnant,” she said, trying to smile. “Carl was the one who killed Marti, and attacked me, and raped Donna.” She told him how she’d put it together and ended up at Carl’s. “He was going to keep me there forever and raise Eli as his nephew. That was when he was sane. Well, sort of sane.”

The thought made her shiver and bury her head, trying not to cry as she did in front of Lyle earlier that morning. Jesse put his arms around her, and she melted into his touch. He held her for a few minutes. Finally, he moved away and steadied himself on the table.

“Marti, there’s something I need to ask you. You screamed that he couldn’t kill his own son, and he stopped.”

She nodded. “All I know is what he told me. He said he and Helen had an affair, and she got pregnant with you. I would have thought he was lying, but I’d found pictures of her in his bedroom.” She took a deep breath. “His mind was warped; he thought I was Helen, and he was going to pretend Eli was you.”

Jesse took her drink container and flung it into the corner, spraying water everywhere. She had never seen such betrayal in anyone’s eyes, not even Jamie’s. His body trembled as he struggled to stay in control. Thankfully she hadn’t caused it. She maneuvered to the side of the bed and reached out to touch him. He jerked away, putting his hand out as a shield.

“Don’t.” He looked out the window. “His blood. My blood.”

He stormed from the room, leaving her gripping the edge of the bed with all her strength. “You’re nothing like him, Jesse,” she called after him. “Blood or not!”

Jesse’s insides were imploding, drawing into a tight knot. He didn’t want to believe it. He would ask Helen, and if she said it was all an ugly lie, he’d believe her. His senses swirled around him, making him wonder about his own sanity. He had gone crazy worrying about Marti, and when he’d received that note, he believed she had left him at first. He shook his head, not wanting to relive those moments of pain. Almost losing her made him realize how much she meant to him.

Helen looked up as Jesse stormed into the house, his face drawn. Caty’s eyes widened as she flicked off the television.

Helen stood, her face taking on a panicked expression. “Is everything all right? Marti? The baby?”

“They’re fine. Caty, leave.” At her shocked look, he took a quick breath and added, “Please.”

She glanced at Helen, then slipped on some shoes and headed outside. A few moments later, her car started. Helen remained standing.

“Jesse, what is going on?”

He didn’t want to be standing there asking his mother this. But he had to. “Did you have an affair with Carl before I was born?”

Her face paled, giving him as much of an answer as her words. “How—”

“He told Marti. As a matter of fact, Ma, he’s still obsessed with you. Did you know that? He went fruit-loop and believed Marti was you.”

Her hand went to her mouth. “Oh, God.”

“How could you do that to Pa?”

“It was only once.”

“Once is enough.”

“Let me explain, Jesse. I know it was wrong, but—”

Rage and hurt warred inside him. He turned, and, before he dumped it on her, stormed out. The sky was clouded over, and he wished for rain, for lightning, and thunder.

“Jesse, come back! Let me explain.” She stood at the door. He couldn’t bear to look at her another second.

Marti couldn’t believe who she saw standing in the doorway of her room. Donna smiled tentatively, waiting for an invitation.

“My goodness, come in. You’re out of the house,” Marti said with a smile.

Donna nodded, sitting primly on the chair next to Marti. “I’m ready, I think. It feels good to be out. And now I know I’m safe. The town is murmuring about your getting kidnapped and everything. It must have been terrifying.”

“Not as much as childbirth,” Marti kidded, not wanting to talk about the experience at Carl’s house.

“I saw the baby. He’s beautiful. Jesse must be so proud.”

“He is. Eli looks a lot like him.”

Marti was telling Donna about her daily routine at the hospital when she felt a presence at the door. Not Jesse. Helen stood there, looking even more hesitant than Donna. Her eyes were red and puffy.

Marti turned to Donna, but she was already on her feet, obviously taking note of the expressions on the other two women’s faces. “I don’t want to hog all your time, and my dad’s waiting out in the hall for me. Call me when you get out, and we’ll have lunch. At a restaurant,” she added triumphantly.

“Thank you for coming,” Marti said as Donna retreated.

Helen shut the door behind Donna and took a seat. Marti had never seen Helen less than composed, and even under the circumstances, it left her feeling unsteady.

“Marti, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I’m sorry that Carl…” She faltered, then continued. “Jesse came to see me a while ago. He didn’t give me a chance to explain anything to him. You—you’re a captive audience, so to speak. I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain it all to my son or whether he’ll even care to hear it, but for some reason, I feel I should explain it to you, because I feel as if I’ve let you down.”

Marti swallowed tears that were fighting to escape. “You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“I do. Remember when we talked about fidelity and making mistakes. I told you about the time after Billy was born and Bernie was racing all the time. Carl became a friend during those lonely months, and that’s all I wanted: a friend. But I made a mistake and let things get too far one night. We had sex, and that’s all it was. Once.

“After that, I told him we couldn’t be friends or anything else. I confessed to Bernie, and that wasn’t easy. But I didn’t deserve easy, and he didn’t deserve to be lied to. It was hard, so hard to tell him, and he hated me for a week. But he forgave me and started spending more time at home. Carl kept pestering me, watching me. But I never saw him alone again, and I thought he let that die a long time ago.”

Helen waited for some kind of reaction. Marti wasn’t sure how she felt. She who had made mistakes and hadn’t confessed them or learned from them. But there was something she had to know.

“Is Carl Jesse’s father?”

Helen’s eyes widened. “God, no. It was close to the time he and I, well, you know. I was worried. So the doctor conspired with me and told Carl there was some concern about some disease going around. He took Carl’s blood, and we ran the tests against Jesse’s. There was no way they’re related.” Her expression lit with worry. “He thinks Carl’s his father?”

Marti relayed the moments when Jesse rescued her from hell. As her words poured out, she felt a deep relief. And forgiveness.

Helen stood, wringing her hands. “I’ve got to talk to Jesse, but right now he won’t listen to me. It’s a horrible feeling to know your son hates you.”

“I don’t think he hates you. He’s just hurt and confused.”

Helen looked at Marti. “I did let you down, didn’t I?”

“I don’t know why, but I feel almost as hurt as Jesse probably does. You gave me such faith in myself not to make the same mistakes I’d made before. If someone like you can fall, how can I expect to stay on the path?”

Helen’s eyes glistened with tears. “Because you’re better than I am. No, don’t look so skeptical. I didn’t think it could happen to me. I was this perfect wife. You don’t have those delusions. You’re walking in with eyes wide open, ready to protect what means the most to you. Your past doesn’t disadvantage you. You already know what to look for and what you can lose, because you already lost it once.

“Now you have a second chance to grab at love and happiness. Maybe you both can learn from my mistake. He needs you, Marti. And if you’ll admit it, you need him.”

“I think… I could be true to someone like Jesse, but it doesn’t matter. I already told him, I can’t be a runner up in his life. And I can’t ask him to give up racing.”

Helen touched Marti’s hand, a soft smile on her face. “Whatever you decide, please don’t leave until you say goodbye. You’re like a daughter to me.”

Marti’s tears now flowed freely down her cheeks. “Thank you for explaining when you didn’t have to.”

Helen hugged her, then headed toward the bassinet. “Have to see the grandbaby,” she whispered to the sleeping infant. “Eli Bernard West.” She looked up toward the ceiling. “Do you see your grandson, my love? They named him after you. I wish you were here to hold him. And me.”

The evening breeze was humid and warm, but Marti wrapped Jesse’s robe around her as she walked down to the tiny lake in the hospital courtyard. His cologne drifted from the terry cloth. The ducks were sleeping, tucked away in their hiding places, the lake deserted. She sat down on one of the concrete benches that surrounded the lake. Lights glistened on the water that shimmered as tiny fish moved beneath the surface.

“The nurse said I might find you out here.”

Jesse’s voice washed over her like the breeze itself, comforting and familiar. She turned to find him standing in the shadows where the pathway started to circle around the lake. He was wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, and his hands were jammed into his front pockets. His hair wafted in the breeze, but she couldn’t see his eyes clearly from where he stood in the shadows.

“I needed to get away,” she said. “To think. I’m getting out of here tomorrow.”

“I know.”

He walked closer. She looked up at him, trying to keep her heart from hammering inside her. What she wanted to do was stand up and press herself against him, hoping his arms would encircle her and comfort her as she knew they could. But he was already lost to her, removed in a way she couldn’t define. He crouched down in front of her so that his face was even with hers.

“Are you all right?” she asked in almost a whisper.

He leaned forward then, putting his arms around her waist, and buried his face against her stomach. She leaned forward, resting her cheek on his head, rubbing his back.

“Carl isn’t your father,” she said.

He didn’t move for a few minutes, and she wondered if he’d heard her. Then he faced her again.

“I know. I talked to Ma a little while ago.”

She reached out and placed her palm against his cheek, and he put his own hand on top of hers. He was her Jesse again, warm and real.

Her
Jesse.

“Did you work things out with her then?”

“Yes.” He looked away for a second, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry I got so mad in front of you.”

She smiled faintly. “Well, I kept telling you to show your anger.”

“Yeah, you did. But you had the reason for my anger mixed up when Mark came down for that visit.”

“I did?”

“Uh hm.” He took both her hands in his. “I was mad at
you
, not at life’s unfairness.”

“Me?”

“More at myself, really. I was mad because I’d fallen so completely in love with you that even racing didn’t seem that important anymore. That scared me, because I’d already come so close to losing my dream.” He reached up and touched her cheek. “But I almost lost you, and that put everything into proper perspective.”

Her chin was trembling when he took her hands and pulled her to her feet. She said, “I figured you were going to marry Abbie. I remember you saying something about her visit answering some question for you.”

He smiled. “When I started falling in love with you, I kept denying it. I told myself I just wanted to have you stay because I wanted someone to help with the baby. When Abbie offered me that, I realized I wanted you to stay for a lot more than just raising our son. Still, it drove me crazy. And so did you.”

Her heart was in her throat. “Jesse, will you tell me again what your pa said about how you’d know if you truly loved someone?”

“Sorta a clenched gut, drop down to your knees, and die for her feeling, and you ain’t in love ‘til you feel it.” He said the words slowly, and his fingers tightened around hers.

Her stomach clenched inside at the intensity of his gaze. She nodded, a smile across her lips. “Yeah, that about sums it up. Your pa was a smart man.”

Jesse took her face in his hands. “Marti, I know I asked you to stay for the wrong reasons before. But now I want you to stay for the most important reason, the only one: I love you. This time I’m not asking you to stay, I’m telling you that you are staying. I’m not letting you go to California or Oklahoma or anywhere else. You are home, doll. Right here, forever. And you’re not going to be second to anything.”

“You’re not thinking of giving up racing, I hope.”

“No, but I realized I don’t need to succeed at racing to be successful. Being successful, making it, means having what’s most important to me.” He pulled her closer. “That would be you. And Eli.”

“Is that a proposal?”

“You can take it any way you want, as long as you take it. And me.”

Epilogue

Eli hobbled unsteadily down the beach, intrigued by every shell and bit of seaweed. Marti and Jesse walked hand in hand behind him. She relished the feel of his fingers intertwined with hers as much as the warm splash of the waves around her ankles.