Stress: How to De-Stress without Doing Less (15 page)

This kind of ‘reforming' of your beliefs is a very important step because these root beliefs often fuel the unhelpful thinking that can form the kindling for all those emotional bonfires. As well as stopping a belief from triggering so much emotion, you can stop it from forming kindling which can then burn into a bonfire. You might also become aware that some other things are linked to your own vulnerability to stress. So, as mentioned in Chapter 9, personality features are most risky if they become something you use in order to try to make up for a very rickety self-esteem – if you try to build your self-esteem on them. Someone who is a bit of a perfectionist will be all the more prone to starting to live life according to a rule that says ‘I must always achieve highly at everything I do'. For that person, failing to do well at something not only triggers emotion because it contradicts
the rule but also because it is the basis of their self-esteem. The threat of failure is a bit like someone taking an axe to the tree of their self-esteem and taking a great big chunk out of it – it's very risky. So, it makes sense that that person has developed a fear of failure, struggles to take criticism well, is prone to being over critical of themselves and so on. If we can deal with the root of the problem, which is the rule they live by but also the cause (their poor self-esteem), we will find that person suddenly has a lot less negative emotion in their life and, therefore, less emotional stress.

Of course, all of this takes time, so don't expect yourself to get it all figured out in a matter of days. In Chapter 10, I likened thinking styles to a dance that you have learned the steps to gradually throughout your life. You have been dancing it all that time, without realizing it. Changing those steps takes time. Changing the dance also can feel quite risky. The old dance wasn't great in terms of the outcome but you knew how the steps went and it felt safe and predictable. Once you start trying out new steps, you will find that that process in itself starts to trigger emotions such as anxiety because you don't know the outcome – you don't know how things will go or how people will react. At first, people might react badly as they are so used to you being the person they have known you to be. Give yourself time and be fair to yourself. This is not something to do in the middle of the most stressful period of your life! But if you can take some time to start to challenge things, you have the chance of releasing the potential within you as you escape from the limits that stress has placed upon you.

Now that we've looked at some simple dos and don'ts, and started to take some time to look at the thinking patterns that underlie our response to stress, it is time to move on and look at the big issue of relaxation. In many ways, this chapter is the most important of the whole book. It concerns something that is utterly essential for every human, something that we were designed to do but that many of us never do and often don't even know about. It is something that is utterly vital for children and teenagers to learn, but that very often the young people I work with have no idea how to do.

Relaxation is an essential part of the way that our stress system is designed to work. Remember in Chapter 3 how we looked at the natural ebb and flow pattern of stress, in which the spikes of stress then ebbed away, so that the baseline levels of stress remained low like water lapping at our feet? Relaxation is a way of spending time with no current stressors affecting us. It is a period of time when our sympathetic nervous system rests, and the parasympathetic can take the limelight and get on with the housekeeping jobs that it does, for a while not pushed into the background by the general stresses around us.

Relaxation is something that very often we need to learn, especially as life has become so much more vibrant, alive, ‘in your face' and 24/7. Simple things can bring home
to us how much more stimulating life has become even over the last few decades. Try watching an old video of a children's programme from 15 or 20 years ago. It is likely to be much quieter, much less vibrant and lively than children's television is now, quite often with longer periods of quiet when something is happening, but no one is talking and there is no music playing. These days, every space is filled with something to capture the child's attention. This means they are really well stimulated and learn a lot, but it also means that they risk losing their natural ability to relax and may need to learn or be taught
just
how important it is.

Effective relaxation

Relaxation needs to incorporate two things to be effective. Firstly, it needs to ‘switch off' our brain and help us to stop thinking about the things that are stressing us out, put out any emotional fires smouldering and damp down any kindling-style thoughts that are lurking in the background. Secondly, it needs to help us to relax physically, bringing down the levels of stress hormones, relaxing muscles that have been tensed ready for action and lowering our heart rate and blood pressure.

Most people's immediate reaction when I start talking about relaxation is quite defensive. ‘I'm not going to some relaxation class!' is often the next! Now, let me be clear: relaxation classes are fantastic and they are really good ways of relaxing. Many people love them (often, to be fair, these are people who would be good at relaxing anyway, or who have spent years learning how to relax successfully). However, for people who have perhaps never tried anything relaxing and live on a continuous adrenaline rush, they are like rushing
from ten to zero in one go and will often prove impossible. In fact, trying hard to relax in this way can be really stressful! Don't worry: there are many more ways to relax than just going to a class!

Think about the things that people you know do to relax. We're going to make a list, so you might like to have a go yourself before you carry on reading. Think about friends, colleagues, people in your family. What kinds of things do they do to relax? Take some time to write your list, then read on – we're going to look at the most common categories of the things people do find relaxing:

The first thing people often think of is taking a bath! Taking a bath is a great way to relax for various reasons. First of all, it involves lying still somewhere that is nice and warm and generally quiet (as long as you can lock the rest of the family out!). This means that it involves
doing something that is naturally physically relaxing
. The warmth relaxes muscles, the calm helps to switch off anxious thoughts and the clear boundary means that you are leaving work behind (even that mobile phone or BlackBerry will have to be left behind so that it doesn't get damaged by the steam!). Of course, there are other things that fit in this category. Stretching out on the sofa next to the fire with a good book or going to the cinema to relax and watch a film are also examples of activities that are naturally physically relaxing, although neither is quite as good as a lovely hot bath!

We've already mentioned some examples of the next category. These are things that
absorb and distract your mind
. Things such as reading, watching TV or films, even cooking a complex recipe help you to relax because they switch your mind on to something else. This kind of escapism can be really positive and can help you to find pockets of time
when you can have a respite from the thoughts linked with all the things you have to do. Some other examples would include things that take a lot of concentration and totally absorb your mind – perhaps practising a musical instrument or even knitting, sewing or doing embroidery. These can be very helpful, particularly if you struggle with anxiety or need to distract yourself from something that you are trying not to do. Distracting techniques are great because you can often combine them with something else – reading a book while in the bath, for example. Beware of the common pitfall though, because these often don't help to ‘switch off' your mind. In fact, because they involve such a lot of concentration, some distractions are quite hard work! If you are trying to relax at the end of the day, trying to settle down before going to sleep, for example, you will need to make sure that you are not doing something that actually keeps you rather alert. Avoid the temptation to sneak work in around the edges, perhaps reading books related to work (management textbooks in the bath are not relaxing!) or books that take a lot of effort to understand and require you to use lots of brain power. The best things to read are those that don't need your brain much! There will never be a better excuse to buy trashy novels and magazines or to reread those books you love but know have little educational value! I have a library of Agatha Christies which I love to read when life is proving stressful – but each to his or her own. Find what works for you!

The third category is
sports or exercise
. Now, let's be clear here. Sports and exercise are very important and can be part of good stress management. Sport helps you to be less reactive to stress. Keeping fit and active reduces blood pressure, keeps your heart healthy and improves emotional well-being – it's a kind of stress antidote. It can also be a
great way of getting rid of some of that physical tension. Remember how some emotions such as anger and frustration are very physical? Some sports are ideal if you have a whole day's worth of pent-up frustration because they give you the chance to ‘act out' that aggression somewhere appropriate. A good hard run, a game of squash or a hard swimming session can all be great therapy! So it's good to make sure you exercise regularly. However, be aware that in the short term, a workout, a game of football or a day out mountain biking can actually create stress spikes as your body responds to the demands placed on it. Exercise is not the most effective form of physically relaxation in the short term, but it does form a vital part of your long-term stress management strategy.

Something often suggested, by women more than men, are strategies that involve
seeking social support
. Talking things through, sharing with someone else and hearing about their stresses and sharing yours are great ways of relaxing and de-stressing. We make the mistake of thinking that talking is only helpful if something changes or if someone produces a solution. The truth is that we were all designed to use talking as a way of helping us process difficult things that we have been through. Let me explain this with an example. When I was younger I used to do a lot of babysitting. One day a little boy I was looking after had a traumatic experience. He followed me into a walk-in cupboard and as I was trying to get something from a high shelf, a jar fell off and smashed on the floor next to him. For a toddler, this was pretty scary! He was very upset and took a long time to calm down. What was interesting, though, was what happened over the next few days. He took every opportunity he had to tell anyone he saw exactly what had happened (as best he could with very stilted language!). At first, telling the story seemed to upset
him almost as much as it did when it happened, but bit by bit he seemed to be calmer when recounting it, and by the time he was telling a friend about it a couple of days later, he was even laughing and telling it as a funny story. This illustrates really well what our brain likes to do with something we have found hard. The process of talking about it gives us a chance to re-examine what happened. Other people's reactions also help us think about our own and how we might want to categorize the whole experience. Something about retelling and reliving what happened actually helps us to work out how to cope with it.

So, don't underestimate the power of sharing your day with someone else. Did you know you were designed with a basic need for the company of other people? A study of the behaviour of the chimpanzees at Chester Zoo in the UK found that after a fight other chimps would sometimes offer consolation to the victim. These caring gestures would usually come from chimps who were friends of the victim and would take the form of stroking, hugs or just some kind of play. This had an obvious effect on reducing signs of stress and distress in the other chimp. Being without this kind of good social support can magnify the impact of stress. People who are handling a lot of things on their own are most at risk – single parents or those who are not married or living with anyone, for example. Particularly if you feel quite isolated, take some time out to look at your friendships. How many people do you have around you whom you can call on for support when you need it? Some people are really good at being a support to others but are not so good at asking for help themselves. Don't neglect this method of dealing with stress. Get together with friends for coffee or, if you cannot get out, call someone or join an internet forum. And remember,
if someone is talking things over with you, you don't have to feel under pressure to come up with some amazing solution or suggestion. The basis of counselling revolves around supporting and giving people space to talk about what they have been through without offering solutions or suggestions. It really is good just to share!

In a way, what this sharing offers us is some support in doing the next thing that can be a great way of de-stressing. This is all about
getting difficult thoughts, experiences and emotions out of our heads and changing our thinking
. Remember that some unhelpful patterns of thinking actually make emotions – and stress – worse. So often our reaction to something that happens can trigger stress when in reality things are not as bad as they seem. Ultimately, what CBT does is help us to learn to get rid of unhelpful thinking and replace it with things that help us respond more positively to stressful situations. Think about it: there are actually two ways to respond to anxiety. Let's say you are about to get married. Most people find they are pretty nervous, but it's a positive thing and that nervousness is tangled up with excitement. So, you respond to the anxiety by gritting your teeth, smiling and going on with what you were planning. This is very different to the kind of anxiety that is crippling, that makes you want to run and hide. The key, of course, is to do with how in control you feel, but your attitude to anxiety is also important. Very often it is the fear of fear that does a lot more damage than fear itself!

Friends can be very useful here too, helping us to think more positively, challenging our less rational fears and helping us to think things through. Also useful, of course, is more formal help such as CBT. But don't forget little things you can do to get rid of unhelpful or incessant thinking.
Little things can be very helpful, particularly if you have a lot of thoughts buzzing round your head. Something as simple as writing them down can help. Think about it: how many times have you gone to the supermarket with five or six things in your head that you must remember? As your brain detects how important they are, it sets them on a constantly circulating loop in your mind. This takes a lot of energy and is stressful (and you usually end up forgetting one anyway!), so why not just write them down? If you are lying awake thinking of things you need to do the next day, write them down. Then you will not have to remember them and your brain will not keep being lurched out of sleep as another thought pops to the surface. Sleep therapists often suggest keeping a notepad by your bed so that you can jot down thoughts that occur to you and do not have to try to hold them in your mind.

The final thing that can help us relax is
using things that aid relaxation.
This is all about making your surroundings more relaxing so that it is easier for you to relax. If you are trying to have a half-hour of relaxing, you'll find it pretty difficult if there are people walking through the room you are in, if it is very bright or noisy, if there are distractions around such as phones ringing. Certain things can make an environment more relaxing – some kinds of music, appropriate lighting, or using candles, for example; things such as aromatherapy oils genuinely help you to be more relaxed. These methods are things to use in conjunction with something else. So, why not light a candle or put some chill-out music on while you take that bath? It's about making it as easy as possible to relax. You could even book yourself in for a regular massage or even acupuncture, both of which aid relaxation.

So, these are the main categories of activities and things that can help people to relax. How many ideas did you get? Can you now think of any more things you might be able to try? These things are also great strategies for lifting your mood if you are feeling low or dealing with something such as anxiety. Remember, though, that it is about
learning
to relax, so the first time you try something you may not find it very relaxing. Take your time and try lots of different things from your list several times. You might find it helpful to note down what works and what doesn't work and why. Be creative – try different things and start to work out what is right for you. Everyone is different.