Striker (45 page)

But that still didn’t stop her from caring about Ryan. And all she could do was hope that he’d listened to what she’d said and was trying to finally put his demons behind him. She wished that for him with all of her heart.

*

The official club Christmas party might have been a washout, as far as Ryan was concerned, anyway, but the lads still had their own “team night out” to look forward to, which was sure to be a hell of a lot more fun. No partners were invited, for starters. Not that that bothered Ryan anymore. He was back to being young, free and extremely single and he had every intention of using that to his advantage in any way he could later on when they hit some of the hottest, trendiest bars and clubs the city had to offer.

In the months leading up to Christmas the Red Star squad devised a system to raise money for this annual night out – a team tradition, Ryan had been told, although he’d been a part of much the same kind of thing at other clubs, too – by setting up a “fine” box. Players could be “fined” for anything from a yellow card on a match day to a story appearing about you in the press, but if it happened to you then you were required to stick a donation in the collection tin and all the proceeds would go towards a “bender of a night out”, as Gary put it. And that sounded good to Ryan. Especially as he’d had to stump up quite of cash in “fines” himself, lately.
 

‘I hear you and the rest of the squad are heading off into town later tonight,’ Jim said, approaching Ryan in the now-empty dressing room as he packed his kit away, ready to leave the training ground for the day.

Ryan looked at the man who’d taken Amber away from him, because that’s the way Ryan saw things. It was
that
black and white.

He said nothing to Jim, just turned his attention back to zipping up his kit-bag, slinging it up onto his shoulder as he made to leave.

Jim put an arm out in front of him, blocking his exit. ‘I was talking to you, Ryan. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t blank me.’

Ryan glared at his manager, feeling nothing but an anger he couldn’t extinguish. It was getting harder and harder for him to face this man every day, knowing how Amber felt about him. Knowing he was responsible for her not being in his life anymore. It was hard, and Ryan knew he needed to get out of there before the rational part of his brain relented and let his real feelings loose. ‘And I’d appreciate it if
you
didn’t interfere in my personal relationships.’

‘I didn’t interfere, Ryan. Amber and me – it’s something you could never understand. The connection we have, nobody can get past that. Least of all you.’

Ryan was so close to punching this guy, but Jim was too quick for him, grabbing his wrist before he had a chance to do something really stupid. ‘I wouldn’t recommend you do that, Ryan. Now, I’ve let the fact that you’ve been acting like a grade
A
asshole over the past few days go, but you need to know that if this carries on, then we’ll just have to find another way to make things work round here. Won’t we?’

Ryan narrowed his eyes as he looked at Jim. ‘What the hell’s
that
supposed to mean?’

Jim said nothing for a few seconds, finally letting go of Ryan’s wrist, taking a couple of steps back. ‘Well, if it looks as though we can’t work together as things are, we’ll have to explore some other options.’ He turned to leave the dressing room, but swung back round as he reached the door, looking at Ryan again. ‘And if I were you, I’d behave myself tonight. Let’s not give ourselves any extra ammunition. Okay?’

Ryan watched him leave, waiting until he’d been gone a good few seconds before turning and punching the wall hard, not feeling the sharp pain that shot through his knuckles as he leaned back against it, closing his eyes. Veiled threats aside, Ryan couldn’t really give a fuck about his career anymore. It meant nothing to him. The game he’d once loved now just felt like an empty, vacuous pastime that was there only to intersperse the nights of partying, the days of making his own kind of fun, all of which took his mind off the things he really wanted. The person he really needed.

‘You still here?’
Gary
asked, walking back into the dressing room. ‘Jesus Christ, Ryan. What the fuck have you done to your hand?’

Ryan held his hand out in front of him, looking at the raw, blood-speckled skin across his knuckles, but still feeling no pain. He couldn’t tell anyone about Amber and Jim. Not because he wanted to protect Jim, far from it. But he cared about Amber, and despite everything that had happened, he didn’t want to hurt her. So he’d keep his mouth shut, even though it was killing him.

‘We still on for tonight?’ Ryan asked, picking up his kit-bag again and sticking his injured hand in his jacket pocket.

‘Too frigging right we are!’
Gary
replied, grabbing the jacket he’d left behind. ‘It’s gonna be one hell of a wild night.’

‘Good,’ Ryan said, more determined than ever to forget all the shit that was going on in his life right now. ‘Because I’m just in the fucking mood.’

*

‘If you want to tell your dad before Christmas…’ Jim began as they walked along the sea front, the freezing cold December air more biting than bracing.

‘I don’t,’ Amber said, wanting so much to snuggle in against him to shield her from the cold, or to just slide her hand into his like a proper couple. That’s all she wanted to be – one half of a proper couple. She’d never had that with Ryan – she’d never had that at all, if she was honest. Thirty-seven-years-old and she’d never had a proper relationship. Her time with Ronnie didn’t really count because they hadn’t been together long enough for it to be considered a proper relationship – she’d been far too concerned about letting herself get too involved, as she had been for all those years since Jim Allen had first walked into her life. It might be nice to actually know what it felt like, for once. But not yet. Everyone knew she and Jim were friends, so to see them talking a walk together wouldn’t be unusual. But to see them holding hands or snuggling in would only cause the gossip grapevine to go into overdrive, and Amber couldn’t risk that. So they’d bide their time and take it slow. That was the way it had to be. For now. ‘Let’s get Christmas out of the way first, okay?’

They stopped to look out over the grey, choppy North Sea, the wind whipping up white-tipped waves that crashed loudly up onto the sand at
King
Edwards
Bay
.

‘I’m really surprised you never wanted to go back to The States,’ Amber said, finding it difficult to ignore the spark of electricity that shot through her as his arm quickly brushed against hers. ‘Did you never think about it? After your playing days were over?’

Jim leaned over the railings, looking down at the small, sandy cove below that was almost deserted, bar a couple of dog walkers. But then, the weather was hardly conducive to a day out at the beach. ‘It was never an option, moving back there permanently. I went over for visits every now and again, but my heart was here, Amber.’ He looked at her, right into her eyes, and that urge to reach out and kiss him was so hard to resist. So hard that Amber had to turn away from him, focus on the clashing waves and the dogs barking at them then scampering away as they crashed loudly onto the sand. ‘This is my home now. I have a great career, a good life… but having
you
by my side is going to make everything complete. Do you hear me, Amber? You’re that missing piece of my own personal jigsaw puzzle; the part I need to finally make everything come together.’

She looked down at her glove-covered hands as they gripped the railings in front of her. ‘I’m scared of peoples’ reactions, Jim. When they find out about us.’ She looked at him again, taking in every line on his handsome face, that urge to kiss his mouth still one she was fighting with everything she had. ‘It could end up in such a mess, couldn’t it?’

He reached out to take her hand but she shook her head, causing him to pull it back, shoving it in his pocket. ‘This is crazy, Amber. All I want to do is hold your hand, act like any other normal couple…’

‘But we’re not any other normal couple, are we?’

‘We
can
be, baby. Look, why don’t we just bite the bullet, tell your dad, forget all this waiting. There’s no need for us to put ourselves through that. We’ve made our decision. So, let’s get it all out in the open now and start living our lives, honey. Don’t you want that?’

She started walking again, burying her own hands in the pockets of her warm and cosy winter coat as the sky began darkening above them, signalling the impending end of another day. Another confusing, head-wrecking day. ‘Of course I want it, Jim. It’s all I’ve wanted since I was sixteen-years-old.’

He gently touched her arm, making her stand still and look at him. ‘Then let’s go for a drink, sit down and talk about this. Okay?’

She smiled. He was right. What was the point in waiting? And maybe it would make Christmas that little bit less stressful if everyone finally knew the truth – or most of it, anyway. ‘Yeah. Okay. Why not?’

*

Ryan downed another Jagerbomb, slamming the glass down on the table as
Gary
shouted over at the barman to line up another round. He didn’t know how many he’d had, and he didn’t care. Just as long as they were doing the job he wanted them to do, he’d keep on drinking them.

Another night, another bar with thudding music, free drinks and too many women to choose from. Ryan was throwing himself into it with everything he had, knocking back the alcohol like there was no tomorrow and, as far as he was concerned, he couldn’t care less if there wasn’t. All he wanted to do was numb the pain and forget what he could have had. Forget that Amber was fucking his boss; Jim Allen was the one who got to touch her now. Jim Allen was the one who got to sleep beside her, kiss her mouth, lie between those incredible legs of hers and put himself inside her. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop torturing himself with images of the two of them together and the only way he could see to drown them out, to push them away, was to drink himself into some kind of oblivion before taking part in another mindless round of pointless fucks with women who had no idea how much pain he was in, because, when he closed his eyes it wasn’t them he was fucking – it was Amber. If he tried to pretend it was her then that pain lessened for just a few short minutes, and if the pretending didn’t work then he took it out on whomever happened to be underneath him, taking them so hard he made them cry out loud but it was the only way he knew how to make himself feel any better. Even if it was verging on the incredibly selfish. The girls didn’t seem to mind. No-one complained. Most of them took it as a sign to push back just as hard, digging their manicured nails into his back, screaming out loud like some pain-wracked banshee as they shoved their skinny hips up against his, but even the white-hot release the sex gave him wasn’t enough to make him pretend he could live with what had happened. He’d been stupid. He’d been an idiot. He’d been one selfish prick, but hey, she’d been no angel, either. He might have been sleeping around behind her back, but no woman he’d touched had meant a thing to him. They were all nothing but a release, an escape, a chance he hadn’t been strong enough to pass up because these girls gave it to him on a plate. Amber, however, had been fucking a man she’d been in love with for over twenty years. She had feelings for Jim, she had a past with that man, and that changed everything. Jesus, he needed another alcohol kick, and fast.

‘Hey, hey, take it easy, mate,’
Gary
said, watching as Ryan picked up two shots in quick succession, throwing them both down his throat at breakneck speed.

‘Why,
Gary
?
Why
should I take it easy? I’m having the time of my frigging life here, so don’t be a fucking killjoy and join that queue of people trying to tell me how to behave, okay? I’m sick of it.’

‘Just, slow down, alright? We’ve still got training in the morning…’

‘Fuck training. In fact, fuck it all, I’m done.’ He picked up another shot, smiling as a beautiful blonde girl sat down next to him. Leaning over towards her, he began kissing her long and hard, breaking away only to throw the shot down his neck. The pain was slowly numbing, his brain was beginning to say goodbye to all those things he didn’t want to think about; he was finally starting to feel calmer. As he’d worked out over the past few days, it took time. It took a few drinks, a couple of pretty girls; a line or two when no-one was looking, and then he was ready to carry on. Without all that, he wasn’t sure he could be bothered anymore.

*

‘Move in with me,’ Jim said, coming up behind Amber as she made them both a coffee back at his modest detached home in the little coastal village of Tynemouth.

She smiled, leaning back against him as his arms wrapped around her, his lips gently kissing her neck. She closed her eyes and gave in to his touch, enjoying the shivers running up and down her spine, the somersaults her stomach was turning. She could get used to this, but that was part of the problem. She’d gotten used to it before and then she’d been hurt. And she’d let that happen twice. But this time he wanted to go public, he wanted people to know about the two of them and that meant things were very different to before. This time he didn’t want the secrets, the lies – this time he wanted the world to know. And this time it was
her
who was holding back from making it public knowledge.