Stuck in the Middle With You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders (41 page)

AQ:
There’s so much she needs to know.

JFB:
But I’d much rather talk to you. Because you’re the Anna Quindlen that I know. So I was looking at that photograph of two young lovers in their twenties, and we’re both looking off into the
distance. I didn’t look at that photograph to think, Wow, I used to be a guy! Phew! How weird was that! I was looking at it thinking, Wow, she’s beautiful. And I’m still married to her. And the version of her that I’m married to I love even more than this beautiful young twenty-eight-year-old. There are a lot of long roads that we travel.

AQ:
That all of us travel.

DFB:
Right, that everyone travels.

AQ:
I wanted to ask you a question about your sons. Over the years, I’ve had friends split up, and I watch them over and over again thinking, It’s because we got divorced. He won’t talk to us because we got divorced. He’s acting out because we got divorced. He doesn’t have a steady girlfriend because we got divorced. And I wonder if you had to stop yourself from thinking that everything was about Jenny’s transition.

DFB:
I think it was harder for Jenny than it was for me.

JFB:
Oh my God, yeah.

DFB:
Sean went through a period in fourth grade when he didn’t want to get out of bed, and he didn’t want to go to school.…

JFB:
And the relief we felt when we discovered it was because he really just didn’t like his math teacher, rather than something terrible I had done.

DFB:
Or that he was afraid of what people were saying in school. Jenny worried a lot.

JFB:
I still worry. I think I’ll always worry.

AQ:
And what about the peer group? I mean, my kids have great friends, but from time to time, during their adolescence, I would think of them as the incubus in the house. Were there people who sowed discord?

DFB:
You know, so far, that has not been true.

JFB:
No, they think I’m cool. And not just me. In some ways, you’re cooler than I am, because you’re deranged enough to stay with me. They’d say, “Zach, you have the coolest parents.” And I think,
Yeah, he does
.

DFB:
Who says that?

JFB:
Bridget says that.

DFB:
Oh, well, Bridget.

[
AQ laughs
.]

JFB:
And Robbie says that. And Kit.

DFB:
I’m not sure if that’s true. But I think that they have had good friends. There was one parent ever, one parent ever, who ran into Jenny at a birthday party and said, “You really look like Jim. Are you his sister?” And Jenny had to take her aside and say, “I’m not Jim anymore, I’m Jenny.” And the woman said, “My child will never come to your house, you’re not allowed to invite him over, and I will be civil to you in public but I completely disagree with this and will not have my child exposed to it.” One kid. Out of everyone we went to school with. It wasn’t someone we wanted to be friends with anyway, they just happened to be in the same class. Other kids and parents and families have been only curious and supportive and welcoming.

JFB:
I think we’re protected—by “we” I mean not just the two of us but the whole family—because I’m so public and I’m so out. It’s not like the Boo Radley house, where people are afraid to knock on the door.

AQ:
I love the idea that Zach might start his college essay with—

DFB:
“Oprah asked me what my family was like.”

AQ:
Exactly.

DFB:
When Jenny told them that she was writing another memoir, Zach just said, “You know, Maddy, this time, could you use our real names?”

AQ:
They still call you Maddy?

JFB:
They do. Once in a while I’m introduced as the other mom. Rarely. I’m still Maddy, if only to differentiate me from Deedie. You know, I didn’t want to use
Mom
or
Mommy
early on, because I thought I was taking something away from Deedie. I’m not the one who was pregnant for nine months. I’m not the one who went through labor and had a cesarean.

DFB:
Two.

JFB:
And got mastitis. And had the epidural fall out. So, I felt like saying, “Oh yes, I’m a mother too, now!” was kind of cheeky.
Maddy
feels like that’s me.

AQ:
Are there any of your friends who just couldn’t make it through the transition?

DFB:
A couple.

JFB:
There are some friends we have who I know liked it better when we were husband and wife and are still not thrilled about the whole transgender thing. It’s very common for me, if I’m at a Colby event with friends that I’ve had for more than a dozen years, for people to use the wrong pronoun. Which, I admit, still drives me crazy. I’d like to say I know they don’t mean any harm by this, but after a dozen years … Deedie is much more forgiving than I am about this.

DFB:
Well, it’s not me.

AQ:
Deedie, I want to ask you what I think is a pretty hard question.
She’s Not There
is filled with a sense of what you’ve lost. At some point, you say, “This isn’t what I signed up for.” So it’s all these years later—what have you gotten out of this? Instead of loss, what did you gain?

DFB:
You know, I go back to what we were saying when we first started talking. I get to be married to the person that I love. I get to have a family and a life that I find rewarding and exciting and fun. It is now ten, eleven, twelve years later, and I’m still here. I don’t have to be here. I want to do it. What we have built together, as our life and our marriage and our family, is really rewarding.

JFB:
But I will say—this is going to sound defensive; ready?—frequently people will say, in response to
She’s Not There
, “The person I really want to hear from is your wife. That’s the real story.” Or, “I get the sense in
She’s Not There
that we haven’t really heard the real story from Deedie.” Or, “Poor Deedie. She’s the real hero of the story.” And while I do think Deedie is a hero, there’s a way in which—this is the self-defensive part—I feel for Deedie to be defined as a hero implies that I must be—

DFB:
The villain? [
Laughs
]

JFB:
Well, yeah, and that anyone who would stay with me has to be seen as a martyr or an object of pity.

AQ:
I actually think that it suggests that she had to settle for less, at some level. And what I think she’s just said pretty eloquently is, “I got what I wanted.”

JFB:
She got what she didn’t know she wanted. Which is what happens to all of us.

AQ:
Right.

JFB:
But I guess I’ll put it differently. I will say, in spite of all the losses, in spite of being transgender, instead of all the other things I have to apologize for, on a good day, I’m a lot of fun.

[
AQ cracks up
.]

JFB:
I’m a pleasant person to be around. I make great pizza. I play the piano and I can sing. I think I’m a loving person, and that I bring that to people. And that our family is better for having me around, and Deedie’s life is better for having me in it. And with this narrative of, “Oh, the poor thing. I don’t envy her!”? I mean, jeez. What I want is for people to envy her. I want people to sob tears of misery that they’re not Deedie, that they can’t be married to me, because—

[
Deedie gives Jenny a look of exasperation and love
.]

JFB:
Oh, look at that face! Oh my God! All right.

Maybe not sob, but do you know what I’m saying?

[
Deedie gives Jenny another hard look
.]

JFB:
Should I shut up now?

[
Deedie nods. The three women laugh
.]

JFB:
Okay. I’m all done.

A
DONATION HAS
been made in the name of the interview subjects of this book to the PEN American Center, the global literary community protecting free expression and celebrating literature.
www.pen.org

O
THER ORGANIZATIONS AND NONPROFITS DEAR TO THE PARTICIPANTS IN THIS PROJECT INCLUDE:

• Little People of America. LPA is a national nonprofit organization that provides support and information to people of short stature and their families.
www.lpaonline.org

• Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. The institute provides leadership that improves adoption laws, policies, and practices through sound research, education, and advocacy.
www.adoptioninstitute.org
.

• ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network). The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization run by and for autistic people. ASAN’s supporters include autistic adults and youth, cross-disability advocates, and nonautistic family members, professionals, educators, and friends. ASAN was created to provide support and services to individuals on the autism spectrum while working to educate communities and improve public perceptions of autism.
autisticadvocacy.org

• National Center for Transgender Equality. Dedicated to advancing the equality of transgender people through advocacy, collaboration, and empowerment.
www.transequality.org

• GLAAD (the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation). For twenty-five years, GLAAD has worked with news, entertainment, and social media to bring culture-changing stories of LGBT people into millions of homes and workplaces every day.
www.glaad.org

• The Edward Albee Foundation. The Albee Foundation exists to serve writers, visual artists, and composers from all walks of life, by providing time and space in which to work without disturbance.
www.albeefoundation.org

• The Papillon Center, run by Dr. Christine McGinn, provides transgender care in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.
drchristinemcginn.com

F
OR INDIVIDUALS SEEKING RESOURCES FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE AND THEIR FAMILIES:

• In addition to the NCTE, readers might investigate
www.transparentday.org
, a group advocating for the celebration of the lives of parents and children without the stereotypes of gender.

• The Sylvia Rivera Law Project works to guarantee that all people are free to self-determine gender identity and expression, regardless of income or race, and without facing harassment, discrimination, or violence.
srlp.org

•
En\gender
is the blog run by writer Helen Boyd, author of two smart memoirs about transgender marriage,
My Husband Betty
and
She’s Not the Man I Married;
her site also contains a thoughtful community message board.
www.myhusbandbetty.com