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“I don’t know. I was like, thirteen? I think I just assumed everyone looked at girls that way. Because girls are beautiful and pretty and why wouldn’t you want them? Took me a little while to realize that wasn’t the case and I had to hide it. But I never denied it to myself. I know who I am, Kyle.”

“Wow,” I said. “I had no idea.” She gave me a wry smile.

“It’s not something I want anyone to know. At least not now. I was going to head to college and be a completely different person in a different place.” She looked out the window at the ocean.

“I know what you mean,” I murmured. I’d thought the same thing. “I mean, I was going to wait until college to date guys. But now I’m not sure if I want to. Date guys.” My head started spinning again and my stomach growled. This had been one of the longest days ever and I was starving.

“Do you want to get something to eat?” I blurted out.

“Sure,” she said.

B
ecause we lived in a small ass town and there would have been questions if we went somewhere alone, and discussed the things we were going to discuss, we went back to my house. My parents were at work, so I didn’t have to worry.

It was a fine plan until I remembered that it wasn’t that clean and it was smaller than and not as nice as hers.

“Um, yeah. So . . . this is it,” I said, waving my arm around and cringing inwardly. I waited as Stella’s eyes swept the room and then she headed toward the kitchen. As if she’d lived here for years. I followed in her wake as she popped open the fridge and stuck her head in.

“What are you in the mood for?” I gaped at her back as she bent down and pawed through the crisper drawers.

“Um, my own food because this is my house?” I said and she straightened.

“Well, I’m in the mood for something smothered in cheese.” She slammed the fridge shut and opened the freezer.

“Aha!” she said, pulling something out. “This will do.”

It was a box of frozen spinach and artichoke dip.

“Do you have some chips or something . . .” she trailed off as she searched the counters and then grabbed a bag of tortilla chips.

I watched as she read the instructions on the box, set the oven to preheat, found a bowl to put the chips in and then handed me a soda.

“Um, thanks.”

“Sure,” she said with a little smile. I’d never seen her so . . . relaxed? No, that wasn’t the right word. Un-frozen? Warm. I’d never seen her this warm.

Even the way she moved was different. More like when she was cheering.

She hopped up on the counter and munched on a chip as the dip cooked in the oven.

“Make yourself at home,” I said and she pushed the bowl of chips toward me. I nudged over the little step I used in the kitchen to help me climb up onto the counter.

“So, am I the first girl you’ve ever had a crush on?” she asked and a chip crumb went down my windpipe and caused me to cough.

“Uh, I guess so? I’m not really sure.”

“You’re not. My first, I mean.” She sighed, as if at a good memory. “Shannon O’Shea. I was eleven and she was fourteen. God, she was so beautiful. I used to imagine just running up and kissing her on the cheek, and spent hours fantasizing about holding her hand. Then she got a boyfriend and went to high school. You never forget your first, though.”

I gaped at her.

“Are you drunk right now?” There was no way, but holy shit, she was telling me all kinds of things without me even prodding her.

“Haha, no. I’m just . . . I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this so it’s all kind of coming out at once. Sorry.” She shrugged one shoulder and grabbed another chip, smiling as she bit into it.

“Yeah, me neither. But I didn’t think I was ready? I don’t know. I’m still . . .” I trailed off.

“Hey,” she said, brushing a hand down my shoulder. It made me shiver inside. Just being near her was driving me crazy. I wanted to dramatically swipe the bowl of chips off the counter and tackle her and do a lot of other things that involved tongues and fingers and secret places.

The timer dinged and I nearly fell off the counter, but I needed to put some space between me and Stella.

I nearly reached for the little tub of hot dip without an oven mitt, but at the last second I remembered.

“It’s probably still too hot, so,” I said, fumbling as I set the dip on top of another oven mitt. “Um, do you want to maybe sit in the living room?”

I really had no idea how to handle this situation. I was flying without a safety net and I was freaking out. Stella seemed so comfortable and I wished I could be like her.

“Sure,” she said, pushing herself off the counter and grabbing the bowl of chips. “Lead the way.”

I
t was adorable how nervous she was. It was almost like a movie, how our hands collided as we both reached for a chip at the same time. Kyle blushed and yanked her hand back. So far, we’d been sitting in her living room eating steadily through the chips and dip and not talking.

I was fine with silence, but she was fidgeting and it was super distracting. Seeing Kyle flustered was fun.

“Do your parents know?” I asked and she froze. Her face went white. Okay, guess that hadn’t been the right question to ask. I wasn’t one to talk. I hadn’t told Dad or Gabe and had no intention of it for a long time.

“Uh, no.
I
didn’t even know. I still don’t really know. I think I need to figure things out before I tell them anything.” We were down to just chip crumbs in the bowl and I kept picking the smaller ones, leaving the bigger ones for her.

“That’s probably smart. You might wake up tomorrow and totally be straight.” I grinned at her and she gaped at me in surprise before smacking me on the shoulder.

“Brat.”

I shrugged.

“I’m just saying. I know this one time I hit my head a little too hard at practice and that night I dreamed about dicks. So many dicks. I was just surrounded by them. Mmmmm . . .” That really shocked her. But that was my goal.

She burst out laughing and it was totally worth it. Her face lit up and it was a whole other level of cute for her.

I was in serious trouble.

W
e lounged on the couch and flipped through the channels.

“There are never enough shows with lesbians,” I said.

“Aren’t there any? I never really noticed.” Oh, sweet gayby. I kept forgetting that she was so new to this. But maybe I could educate her. That would be fun. Potentially in a lot of ways.

“You’re different,” she said after a few minutes of silence. She wasn’t looking at me and had taken off her glasses to polish them on the hem of her t-shirt.

“What do you mean?” I asked, but I knew exactly what she meant. I wasn’t being a heinous bitch was what she meant.

“Well, you’re not . . . um . . .” She pushed her glasses up on her nose and waved her hands as if she was looking for the right word.

“A bitch?” I finished. Her face went a little red.

“I wouldn’t necessarily put it that way.” I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, you would. You and everyone else. I know what people say about me, Kyle. It doesn’t bother me.” Not even a little. It was so much better than the alternative.

“It doesn’t?” I shook my head. I expected that to be the end of the questioning, but it wasn’t.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t care what they think.” This was a lie, but she didn’t need to know. I wasn’t sure what this thing was between us, but it definitely wasn’t going anywhere. We weren’t going to hold hands and ride off into the gay sunset.

“Really?” She raised one eyebrow, calling my bluff. I gave her the same look.

“Really.”

She went to say something else, but then all the blood drained from her face.

“What time is it?”

“Um, four thirty,” I said, checking my phone that I’d set on the coffee table.

“Crap, my mom is going to be home any minute. I hate to do this to you, but you’ve got to go. My parents are insane and if you want to not be interrogated about every single detail of your life, I would leave now.” I knew her parents were a little obsessive and I definitely didn’t want to have a conversation with a mom about who I was and what I was doing here.

“Point taken,” I said, getting off the couch, grabbing the empty chip bowl and the disposable dip bowl and heading back to the kitchen.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Kyle said, trailing after me. I just shrugged again and turned to face her.

“Well. I guess I’ll see you in class.” It was an anticlimactic end to what had been a strange day.

“Yeah, see you in class.” I almost leaned in to kiss her, but she just stared at me in that cute-but-stunned way and I couldn’t do it.

“Okay then.” I pivoted on my heels and headed out the front door.

That was when I realized she’d been the one to drive us here.

****

I stood outside for a minute, wondering what to do, but there was no option but to go back inside, which was what I was preparing to do when the front door opened and she walked out.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot that you didn’t have your car here. I can drive you back.” I nodded and got in the passenger seat.

“I had fun today,” I said and then cringed. I sounded like an idiot.

“Me too,” Kyle said, turning the car on.

She drove in silence for a few minutes, her hands clamped on the steering wheel.

“So, what happens now?” Kyle said.

“What do you mean?” Once again, I knew exactly what she meant.

“I mean, with you and me. Not that there is a you and me. I don’t even know what the hell happened today other than we made out and I would really, really like to do it again.” Fuck, that made me want to tell her to pull over so I could yank her into the backseat.

“Are you saying that you want to come out, and then be my girlfriend?” I asked, not looking at her.

“Oh, no. We can’t do that.” No, we couldn’t.

“So there are two options. One, pretend this never happened and go back to hating each other, or two, we make out when no one else is around.” I hoped she would go for the second option, because it involved more kissing. I was in favor of any plan where I could kiss Kyle some more. That girl knew what she was doing and would have been totally wasted on boys.

“So, be like secret girlfriends?” I wanted to roll my eyes at that. It sounded stupid. Like a plot of a bad movie.

“No. We’d just be two girls who sometimes hang out and kiss. And potentially do other things. No pressure. But I don’t think we should like, be best friends or something.” I already had one of those and I didn’t need another one. Besides, I didn’t want to be Kyle’s friend. I wanted to kiss her until she couldn’t breathe. That wasn’t usually a friendship activity. Unless you were friends with benefits, but that wasn’t for me either.

“Okay, but what would we call it?” I sighed.

“Why do we have to call it anything?” I asked, turning to her. We were almost to the school.

“I guess we don’t have to.” No, we didn’t. We didn’t owe anyone anything.

“So how will this work?” She asked so many damn questions. I was going to have to kiss her more so she’d stop.

“No idea. We’ll figure it out. Just text or call or whatever. And don’t act any different at school. Promise.” That was very important. I didn’t want anyone catching on that things had changed between me and Kyle.

“Uh huh.” She still looked a little dazed. I had the feeling she was going to be up late tonight. So would I, but for different reasons. I was going to spend a lot of time thinking about kissing her and what that tongue of hers could do if it were applied to places other than my mouth.

She pulled into the parking lot and I realized that if I didn’t hurry, I was going to be late for cheer practice.

“I have to go. So I’ll see you around,” I said, my hand on the door.

“Yeah, okay,” she said, giving me a little jerky nod. I got out and closed the door, thanking the stars that there was no one around to see me get out of Kyle’s car.

W
hat a bizarre day. I couldn’t stop thinking about how things had changed in only a few hours. Just last night Stella had kissed me and today I was making out with her and now I was gay.

I mean, I’d sort of known? But kissing Stella and wanting her kind of cemented it. My parents were mad at dinner when I wasn’t as open about my day as I could have been so I escaped to my room and shut the door.

I just wanted some time to THINK. There was so much noise in my head and I couldn’t sort out any of it.

Yes, I liked Stella. But was it just her or other girls?

I knew the answer to that. Yes, it was other girls. No one specific (until now), just . . . girls. Their hair and the way they walked and not to mention the way their bodies were. Just perfectly shaped. It was everything about them. How had I been so blind to it?

That was what got me. How could I live eighteen years and not know? If I hadn’t known this about myself, what else didn’t I know? That was the scariest part.

And my parents. What would they say? What would they think? They’d struggled and pushed me to be the absolute best and to have a better life than they’d had. How would me being gay change that? Sure, marriage was legal all over the United States, but that wasn’t everything. There was so much more.