Sucker for Love (24 page)

“I came as soon as you called,” she declared,
her voice shattering the steady
PleaseGodNo
that echoed over and over in my head.

“But I didn’t—”

“No, no, don’t apologize for dragging me away from your father. Sure, he’s this close to losing it completely and nuking our entire neighborhood with this homemade contraption he’s been building, but he’ll just have to blow himself up without me. As if a bomb is going to get rid of Viola. I keep telling him werewolves are like cockroaches, but the man is obsessed. I’ve got Remy keeping tabs on him for me, so I’m all yours. We think it’s lovely of you to invite us down to share this experience.”

“We?”

“Hi, Lil.” Mandy picked her way past the luggage and came up next to my mother. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“Inviting you?” Cut me some slack. We’re talking my worst nightmare here.

“To participate in your retreat,” my mother said. “I’ve always wanted to focus on my inner strengths. Of course, we
vamperes
have both inner and outer strength and I don’t really see the difference. But I’m always up for new challenges and experiences.”

A pod person. That was the only explanation. In addition to the multitude of Others out there, there were also little green body snatchers.

“I can’t wait to get started.” She rubbed her hands
together. “It’s going to be magnificent.” She slid an arm around Mandy’s shoulders.

Seriously.

“The three of us together”—she gave Mandy a squeeze—“setting goals and overcoming our weaknesses.” She released Mandy with an abruptness that sent her stumbling backward, and eyeballed me. “Speaking of which, you should really work on your attitude, dear. Maybe tone down the pickiness. Otherwise, you’ll never find a mate.”

Lose the
X-Files.
Jacqueline was definitely present and accounted for.

“When Evie filled us in on all the fun you were having,” my mother rushed on, “and how you wanted us to come down and join you on your little retreat, I called Mandy and had her take a few days off at the hospital.” She beamed. “And here we are.” Her glance traveled around the room. “You’re actually staying here?”

“I know it looks bad—” I started, but she cut me off.

“Where’s the mini-bar?”

“No mini-bar.” Abject horror lit her gaze and I couldn’t help myself. “No Jacuzzi. No turn-down service. No concierge. No complimentary bottle of AB—or a nice, comfy coffin with an extra-thick pad.” Those last two were only available at the Plaza, which was owned by Nina’s father and, therefore, catered to the undead. But hey, I might as well lay it on extra thick, right?

She visibly swallowed and I gave myself a mental high five. This was it. She’d turn and hightail it back to Connecticut.

Or, at the very least, a five star hotel in Austin.

“Oh, well. That simply means fewer distractions.” She cleared her throat. “We can devote our full attention to one another.”

Talk about a great big fat sack of
No.

“It’s not too bad,” Mandy offered. “You should have seen my dorm room back in college. Talk about pathetic.”

“I can only imagine,” my mother readily agreed.

“Besides,” Mandy went on, “the desk clerk was nice and they do have snacks in the lobby.”

“Wonderful.” My mother turned to Mandy. “Why don’t you run down and fetch me some Doritos and a few candy bars?”

“But Mother Marchette, you don’t actually eat Doritos and candy bars,” Mandy pointed out, and the vein in my mother’s right temple started to throb. “Do you?”

“Oh, you’d be surprised what I eat, dear. And please call me Jacqueline. All my friends do.”

“I don’t really feel comfortable doing that.” Mandy shook her head. “You’re my elder, after all.”

The vein swelled and threatened to explode. “How respectful of you,” Jacqueline finally said, her words tight and controlled. “But the snacks aren’t for me, dear. If you intend to conceive, you need to keep up your strength.”

“I doubt Doritos will do much by way of nutrition.” She seemed to think. “Then again, I am on vacation and I could certainly use a snack. They had dinner on the plane, but it was spaghetti and I’m allergic to tomatoes.”

“Such a tragedy,” my mother said, but I didn’t miss the gleam that lit her eyes. I had a bad feeling our
retreat
was now going to include tomato paste facials.

“Be back in a flash.” Mandy headed for the lobby.

Meanwhile, I was still trying to process the all-important fact that my mother was here. Now.

“Close your mouth, dear.” My mother waved a hand. “You’re liable to swallow one of these pesky flies.”

“There’s a bug zapper in the bathroom,” I heard myself say.

“Oh, joy.”

Here. Now.

“You need to feed, Lilliana. You’re much too pale.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked when I finally managed to find my voice.

“Protecting my son. The Yaz attempt at Crazy J’s backfired. I think someone is trying to sabotage me.”

“What a bitch.” I summoned my most shocked/ innocent expression. “So, um, what makes you think that?”

My mother gave me a knowing look. “Someone switched restaurants.”

“The traitor.”

“Mandy said it was Evie and Evie said it was you.”

Busted. “It was me. I switched the restaurants on purpose. But I did it for you, Ma. If Jack had found out, he would have been even more determined to have a human baby, just to spite you.”

“Your brother can be quite the rebel.”

“You need to come up with something more subtle. Why not just scare her into giving up the baby effort?”

“You mean like flash my fangs and threaten her?” She looked hopeful. “Maybe rip out someone’s throat right in front of her?”

“Just tell her how hard it is. Talk to her. Maybe she’ll change her mind on her own.”

She gave it a moment’s consideration and I thought she might actually agree with me. But then she shook her head. “I need a more direct approach.” She waved a hand. “What do you think about suffocation?”

“I’d go for something a little more inconspicuous.”

“Strangulation?”

“Too hands-on.”

“Bullet to the head?”

“Listen, Ma, I know you like a good kill as much as the rest of us vamps”—self excluded—“but Jack
would never forgive you. You know that. He’s in love with Mandy.” She narrowed her gaze. “Or at least he thinks he is.”

“You’re right,” she said after another contemplative moment. “I can’t very well shed Mindy’s blood and have him hate me for the rest of his afterlife.”

“It’s Mandy, Ma. Not Mindy.”

“What ever. I’ll just have to think of something else. At least I can rest easy for the next week. That fact alone makes all the smiles and horrid enthusiasm doable. They certainly can’t reproduce with a thousand miles between them. Not that your brother’s sperm isn’t up for a lengthy swim. He’s a Marchette, after all. But even Marchette sperm would have difficulty crossing several state lines.”

I’m as confident in my sexuality as the next modern vampire. I’ve burned my share of bras (a few off-the-rack babies I’d gotten on sale) and been to over a dozen Passion Parties and I’d even sat through the
9½ Weeks
DVD seven times in the hope of trying out a certain cherry scene with one hunkilicious bounty hunter. I was totally secure, and I certainly didn’t blush when it came to talking sex.

“Though your uncle Richard did manage to impregnate Aunt Denise while she was in Palm Springs and he was in Las Vegas on a business trip a few years ago. Apparently, they’d had intercourse before he’d left and the little buggers managed to survive
two solid weeks until Denise had another orgasm and released a viable egg.”

But
ewwwwww.

“How did you find me?” I blurted, eager to drop-kick the subject of my family’s super spoodge and distract myself from the ickiness creeping through me. My mom’s radar shifted past me and homed in on Nina.

I turned in time to see my friend shrug. “I might have left a message on Rob’s cell letting him know where to find me in case he realizes he’s crazy about me and feels the need to fly down this very second and declare his feelings. Obviously, he hasn’t made the revelation.” She teared up, which kept me from ripping her a new one.

My mother, on the other hand, wasn’t nearly as selfless.

“Rob has a message for you.” Jacqueline’s gaze collided with Nina’s. “He said to tell you that he’s giving you the apartment and picking up the rest of his things. He said he’ll be completely moved out by the time you get back.”

My hopes shot sky high. “He found a new place?”

“I wouldn’t call it new. It’s ancient. And extremely small. One bedroom. Minute living area. Microscopic kitchen.”

“That sounds like my apartment.”

She smiled and dread rolled through me. “It’ll be just like when you were growing up. Of course, you
had your own suite and Rob had his and there was an entire castle between the two of you. And lots of tasteful furniture. And expensive rugs. And several servants.” She gave a shiver. “How you manage in that sardine can, without at least a foot masseuse, I’ll never know.”

My gaze narrowed. That was
my
sardine can.

She waved a hand and rushed on, “Nevertheless, it’ll be a wonderful chance for the two of you to reconnect. You can go hunting together. Perhaps scout out potential blood slaves.”

“Sounds fab.”
Not.

“You need a positive influence in your afterlife.”

“It’s Rob, Ma. Last New Year’s he got so shit-faced he tried to sink his teeth into the yard sculpture of Aphrodite.”

“So he’d had a few too many toasts? It was a holiday. ”

I arched an eyebrow. “And the time he tried to hump Dad’s life-sized cutout of Tiger Woods?”

“That was the fourth of July. And he thought it was Halle Berry.”

“He propositioned Grandma Jolie.”

“Groundhog Day. And my mother
is
a beautiful woman.”

“This is crazy.” I shook my head. “No. Uh-uh. Not happening. He’s not crashing at my place permanently.”

“Why ever not?”

“Because …” It was time he stopped being an
irresponsible jerk and started owning up to his responsibilities—namely the born female vampire who loved him and the baby that was on the way.

“I might want to prance around in nothing but my thong,” I blurted. What can I say? My ma scares the crap out of me. “I can’t very well get my naked on with Rob parked on my sofa.”

“So you wear a robe. It’s a small sacrifice to help a member of your family.”

“What am I supposed to do if I meet that perfect vampire and he wants to sleep over? Or move in? How will we all fit?”

“Don’t be silly, dear. All vampires are perfect.”

“You’re missing the point. Say I meet The One. I can’t spend eternity with someone if they don’t even fit in my apartment.”

She nailed me with a stare. “Have you met someone?”

This was it. My chance to come clean and tell her about Ty and the fact that I’d practically pledged my afterlife to him and he hadn’t so much as hinted at the L word.

“Not yet. But you never know. It could happen just like that. One minute I’m single and the next I’m happily attached and giving up half—er, make that a quarter of my closet space.”

What? I’ve got a lot of stuff.

“Rob can come and live at home if that happens,” my mother informed me. “In his old room.”

Sheesh. Now I’d never get him out of my place.

“Listen, Mom—” I started, only to be interrupted by the sound of metal clunking down the walkway outside.

Three heartbeats later, Elmer wheeled in what looked suspiciously like a mattress.

“Here you are, Mrs. Marchette. My last double roll-away.” He tapped the edge. “She’s a beaut, ain’t she?”

Reality hit me like a cheap shoe right between the eyes. “You’re really staying
here?”
I turned to my ma. “In this room?”

“Rodeo lasts through next week,” Elmer informed me. “This is the best I could do without a reservation.”

My recent kidnapping rolled through my head and hope fired to life. “But there’s a Holiday Inn on the interstate going toward Fredericksburg. Complete with mini-bar, down comforter—you name it. Really, Ma, you can’t possibly want to stay here.”

“Lookee here—” Elmer started, but I silenced him with a mental
Shut up now and I’ll do my best to hook you up with DoraLee at the nail salon.

His mouth snapped closed.

“Just look at this place,” I rushed on. “It’s totally beneath you. Tasteless. Cheap. You can’t be serious.”

She cast a look around and I didn’t miss the
You said it
in her gaze. To her credit, however, her smile didn’t falter. “Lilliana, it doesn’t matter where we stay. All that matters is that Millie’s here instead of
back home humping your brother.” My mother smiled. “It’ll be delightful.”

Delightful
meaning about as pleasant as having my skin peeled away inch by inch.

And I thought Esther had it rough?

I
spent the next five minutes stacking my mother’s luggage in every available corner while she, Nina and Mandy piled on the bed to talk about “girl stuff.”