Suicide Note (14 page)

“Sir, she is not here. Please leave before we are forced to call the police.”

I slammed my hand down on the counter as my eyes met both of the men’s. I knew I was acting crazy but I couldn’t calm myself down. I had hurt her and now she could be anywhere. If anything happened to her, it would be my fault.

“Fine.” I threw my hands up as I slammed open the door, causing it to bang off the wall behind it. My eyes scanned the different hotels around me. I had already been to three of them and was no closer to finding her than when I started. Had I been in country, I could have found what I was looking for with a few choice words and my weapon. That is how it works at war. That is what I am good at. I ran my hands over my hair and let out a deep breath. This wasn’t war, and I needed to keep myself under control if I wanted Jenn to talk to me once I did find her. There was no doubt in my mind that I
would
find her. This way just took longer.

I made my way to my car and checked on Roxy before pulling my phone from my pocket and dialing Jenn’s cell phone again. I cursed under my breath as the voicemail picked up.

“I am sorry but this isn’t safe. Please just call me back. I will drive you home and I won’t say a word to you if that’s what you want. I can’t leave you here.” I hung up the phone and kicked at the dirt around my feet.

My phone rang and I nearly jumped as I turned it over to look at the screen.

“What?” I snapped as I answered.

“So the trip is going well?” Jake laughed into the phone. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I struggled to keep my cool. I couldn’t tell Jake that not only did I not take his advice to stay away from his coworker, but I had somehow managed to piss her off and lose her in the process.

“It’s fine.” My phone beeped and I glanced at the screen. I had a message from Jenn.

Marriot room 213 – Jenn

“I have to go. I am getting a speeding ticket. I’ll call you later.” I hung up the phone before Jake could respond. I glanced around until I spotted the Marriot behind me. Hopping in the car, I pulled my seatbelt around me and made my way across the road to the parking lot. I pushed up the seat and let Roxy out so she could follow me inside as I tried to figure out what I was going to say to Jenn to make this right.

The ride up the elevator was the longest of my life. As the doors opened, I scanned the hallway to figure out which direction to go. I turned right and passed several doors before finding hers. I swallowed hard before I knocked, holding my breath. The door slowly opened and Jenn’s face appeared, swollen and red from crying.

I looked down as I slipped inside with Roxy and locked the door behind me. Jenn made her way over to the bed and sat down on the edge, refusing to make eye contact with me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t spend all this time with you because I thought you were going to hurt yourself. I told myself that, but it wasn’t true.” I sunk down on my knees in front of her. Her eyes lifted to meet mine. “I needed to be with you. I didn’t think I needed anyone, not after what I went through with Chelsea, but you changed everything.”

Jenn nodded slowly as she sniffled, and I wanted to wrap her in my arms, take away all the pain I had caused her, but I knew it was not going to be the last time. I hadn’t told her I was going back to Iraq and that was going to completely destroy anything we had together. I pushed to my feet and held out my hand for her.

“Come on. I’ll take you home.”

Jenn slipped her hand into mine and I pulled her to her feet. Her arms flew around my neck as she hugged me and I stood frozen, not sure what to do. The guilt was all-consuming. I slowly raised my arms and looped them around her back, holding her to my chest.

“I’m so sorry.” I was sorry for hurting her and for the inevitable pain to come. I should have walked the other way when I met her, but the letter had forced me to stay. I couldn’t walk away and have her blood on my hands. Now I just couldn’t walk away. Jenn was never the one who needed saving. It was me all this time. I was just too messed up to realize it.

“I’m sorry for running,” she whispered against my chest.

“It’s okay.” I stroked her hair as I pressed my lips against the top of her head. “You’re okay.” A million thoughts had raced through my head when I couldn’t find her. I didn’t know if someone had taken her or if she was hurt. I realized then how much I cared; how much I had been lying to myself about how important she was to me.

Jenn
March 21, 2010, 11:10 a.m.

We made the rest of the trip home barely saying a word to each other. I was thankful for the radio that broke the silence. I worried that Shane would be leaving soon. When I ran away to the hotel, I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to walk away from him. I knew I would have to get my license if I wanted to see him again. It was time to face my fears and stop running when things got difficult.

“What’s on your mind?” Shane asked as he pulled into a drive-through to get us something to eat.

“Thinking about getting my permit.”

“Not what I would have guessed.” He smirked and turned to place our orders into the intercom system.

“What would you like?”

I smiled as I looked over the menu.

“Bacon burger, tater tots, and a sweet tea.”

“Two bacon burgers, with tater tots, and two sweet teas.” He smiled back at me, revealing a deep dimple in his cheek. I thought back to my date with the man my parent’s had set me up with. He didn’t care what I liked or what made me happy. He was only concerned with his own agenda. Shane was nothing like him and I loved that about him.

We pulled around to the window to pay, and I wanted to say so many things to Shane. I wanted to thank him. If it weren’t for meeting him, I would have been long gone, giving up on who I was. Meeting him had changed everything. There was so much about him I didn’t know, so much sadness and hurt that sat below the surface.

“Thank you.” I smiled as I took the bag of food from his hand.

Shane
March 22, 2010, 10:00 a.m.

“I am so tired.” I yawned as Jenn stretched, arching her back like a cat. I followed her inside her apartment with Roxy at my side.

“I’m going to head over to Jake’s. Get some rest.” I rubbed my hand over my eyes trying to focus them.

“You can’t possibly drive after that trip. You can have the couch.” She made her way to the closet on the left side of the room and pulled it open, grabbing an old Christmas throw blanket from inside. She tossed it on the couch and yawned again as she slipped inside her room and grabbed a pillow from her bed.

“Here. You can use one of my pillows if you promise not to drool all over it.”

“I can’t promise Roxy won’t,” I laughed.

“The dog can sleep with me.” She giggled and patted her hand on her leg. Roxy ran to her and leapt onto her bed.

“Traitor!” I yelled after them as Jenn slowly pushed the door closed, leaving it open a crack. “Good night.” My eyes caught hers.

“Good night, Shane.” She turned off the light and slowly pulled off her pants, tossing them on the floor beside her bed. She crawled under the covers and rubbed her hand over Roxy’s head before slipping into sleep.

I pulled my T-shirt over my head and laid it over the coffee table. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but all I could think about was Jenn sleeping in the next room. Her pillow smelled of vanilla and it was driving me crazy. I knew I should leave but she had my dog. That was the best excuse I could come up with not to go. I knew if I called for Roxy, she would be at my side but I didn’t want to wake Jenn. We had a long trip and she needed her rest. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with her scent and closed my eyes, trying to think of anything but her.

I had never been scared of deployments or of war, but now I was scared to leave. I didn’t want to leave
her.
When I met her, I saw her as someone else who needed saving but she had saved me. She had given me hope when I had given up on everything in my life.

Shane
March 23, 2010, 6:29 a.m.

I groaned as I adjusted myself on the couch, a heavy pressure on my bare chest. I blinked as the daylight assaulted me and my fingers became tangled in a mass of hair. I held my breath as I lifted my head to look down. Jenn groaned and adjusted her leg over my waist. I smiled and rubbed over her head as I relaxed back onto the pillow.

“Too early,” she moaned.

“Shh…” I whispered as I inhaled, filling my lungs with her sweet scent, and tightened my arm around her waist. Laying there with my eyes wide open, I traced imaginary patterns with my fingers on her back. I prayed I could slow my heart rate so it didn’t wake her as it pounded against her cheek. I thought I had dreamed of her in my arms and struggled to stay asleep. Had I known she was really there, I would have woke up hours ago.

I should have woken her and gotten as far away from her as possible, but I was selfish. I wanted to hold on to this moment for as long as possible. As hard as I tried to cut off my emotions, it was nearly impossible to put up walls around Jenn. I didn’t want to keep her out. I wanted to build those walls around the two of us and protect her from the rest of the world.

“Thomas?” she mumbled.

I sighed as she stretched, arching her back into me. I quickly stilled my hand on her back as her eyes fluttered open. “Shane!” She sat up quickly, pushing her hair from her eyes. I smiled sadly as she unwrapped herself from me and stood up.

“Rough night?” I asked as I sat up and ran my hands over my face.

“I had a bad dream. I’m sorry. I tried to wake you but you wouldn’t move. I thought if I just sat out here with you for a while I would feel better. I must have dozed off. I’m sorry.” She buried her face in her hands and shook her head. I stood and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into my chest. I hadn’t slept that well in years. No nightmares of war, of my ex or my mother. Just newly created memories with Jenn that all came crashing down around me when she said another man’s name.

“It’s all right. I don’t mind.” I rested my chin on her head as I squeezed my eyes closed. I tried to push the name
Thomas
from my mind, but I was dying inside. Did she wish she had woken up to him? Was he the one who had broken her heart and the cause of her bad dreams? Jenn’s fingers splayed out on my chest, running over my old wound. She took a step back and her gaze fell on the scar over my heart.

“I’ll make us some coffee.” I grabbed my T-shirt from the coffee table and pulled it over my head as I made my way into the kitchen. Jenn tugged on the hem of her own top, suddenly realizing she had never put her pants back on as she left her room in the middle of the night.

“Oh, God!” She ran into her bedroom and slammed the door closed, leaning back against it and banging her head softly against the wood. She opened her eyes to Roxy staring at her from her bed. A light tapping came from behind her head.

“Jenn?” I asked from the other side.

“Yeah?”

“If you want me to leave…”

“No! No…I just need to get dressed.”

I prepared the coffee as I waited for her to get dressed. For the first time in a long time, my dreams were better than reality and I wanted to slip back into sleep for as long as possible.

“That smells good.” Jenn smiled as she made her way into the kitchen. Roxy whined and headed for the front door. “I think she needs to go out.”

“A walk sounds nice.” I held out a mug of coffee for her.

“Thanks.” She closed her eyes as she breathed in the warmth through her nose. “I’m just gonna watch some television. Lock the door on your way out.”

“You aren’t going to come?” My heart sank.

“I just thought you meant alone.” She took a small sip of her coffee and smiled at the sweetness. I had added an extreme amount of sugar, just the way she liked it.

“That doesn’t sound nice at all.” I smirked as I took a sip from my coffee.

“Fine. But you have to hold the leash.”

“That’s a deal.” I winked at her and she smiled into her cup as she turned toward her room to find a heavy sweater. The weather this time of year was unpredictable at best but it always seemed chilly to me. My body was used to the dry heat of the desert.

I grabbed my coat and pulled it on as I watched Jenn do the same with a heavy cable-knit sweater.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon,” she said as we made our way down the stairs of her building and out the front door.

“Me either.” I pulled Roxy to the left and we began walking down the street.

“I was thinking I could visit. Maybe during a three-day weekend or something. Of course, I’ll need to get my license first.”

“We’ll see.” I hated myself for not confessing where I was really going right then and there. She needed to know. I was developing feelings for her and if she felt anything, it was going to crush her to find out I was going back to war.

“Well…I mean…if you want me to.” She tucked her hair behind her ear as she looked down at the sidewalk. I was a horrible bastard. She was walking next to me thinking I didn’t want to see her again and I still couldn’t find the words.

“Come on.” I stepped off the sidewalk to cross the street toward a park.

“I’m going to have to go back to Jake’s today. May and the kids have been begging me to spend more time over there.”

“Oh…okay,” she said as she stepped through the gate to the park. I closed it behind us and unhooked Roxy’s leash so she could run.

“It’s been great getting to know you the last few days.” I stared off at Roxy as I shoved my hands in my jean pockets.

“Yeah. It’s been an adventure.” She kicked at the dirt with the toe of her shoe. “You’re a good friend.”

There it was. The stinging pain in my heart I had become accustomed to before I met Jenn. I was her friend. That is what I wanted. I didn’t want her to worry about me. I nodded as I clenched my jaw trying to ignore the ache in my chest.

“Come on, Roxy!” I yelled across the empty park. Roxy stopped running and turned to look at us before slowly trotting back in our direction.