Suicide Note (15 page)
“Are you going to stop by before you go?”
Her eyes were on me and I swallowed the lump in my throat before raising my gaze to hers and nodding. She hesitated before wrapping her arms around my neck and squeezing me tightly. I placed my hand lightly on her back as I blinked back tears.
“I’m going to miss you,” she whispered as her face buried in the crook of my neck. Her lips pressed softly against my throat, and I wrapped both my arms around her and hugged her, lifting her feet from the ground. Roxy brushed against my leg and I summoned all the strength I had inside of me to release my grip on Jenn and place her feet back on the ground. I forced a smile as I tucked her hair behind her ear.
“I should go.” I wanted to make her smile, make her laugh, but I didn’t have any idea what to say to her. I clipped Roxy’s leash back on to her collar and pushed open the gate, waiting for Jenn to walk through.
As we made our way to my car parked out front of her house, our pace slowed. I didn’t want to say good-bye.
We stopped in front of the car and turned to face each other. Jenn bent down and began petting Roxy as tears filled her eyes.
“You be good and keep an eye on Shane.” She slowly stood and I struggled not to wrap my fingers in her hair and kiss her the way I had imagined doing. “You can call me…if you want,” she said as she took a step back. I opened the passenger door and let Roxy jump in the car before closing it behind her.
“I
will
call you,” I replied as I stepped in front of her. She nodded as her eyes brimmed with tears. “Come here,” I whispered as I took her in my arms and held her. “I’ll call.” She nodded against my shoulder, and I slowly forced myself to let go of her.
I swallowed hard as I stepped around her and opened the driver-side door. I should have walked away the first time I saw Jenn on the bridge. She didn’t need me. I slipped inside the car and pulled the door closed before I could say anything else. I glanced at her one last time before pressing the button to start the car and pulling out into the street. My eyes immediately fell on my rearview mirror as I watched her step inside her apartment and disappear.
The drive back to Jake’s house had been the loneliest I had felt in a long time. You never truly understand what you are missing until you have it in your grasp and push it away.
“Where have you been? We expected you here last night,” May asked as soon as I walked through the front door.
“I stayed with Jenn.” I rubbed my hand over my eyes and bent down to let Roxy off her leash.
“Shane, we can’t have that dog here. Zack is allergic!” She grabbed hold of Roxy’s collar and took her out the back door into their fenced in yard.
“Shit. I’m sorry, May. I didn’t know.”
May folded her arms over her chest.
“You would have known if you picked up your phone every once and awhile.” She smirked.
“I don’t have anywhere to take her.” I sunk down onto the couch as I rubbed my hand over my forehead.
“Rough night?” she asked as she sat down next to me and patted me on the leg.
“No. Rough good-bye.” I laughed sardonically as I shook my head.
“I didn’t take you for the ‘love ’em and leave ’em’ type.”
“It wasn’t like that, May.”
“What was it like?” she asked as I lay back against the back of the couch with a sigh. “You can’t live your life with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake.”
“You ever wonder if I wouldn’t make it home?” I asked as I turned to look her in the eye.
“No, Shane. I knew you are good at what you do. You’re a fighter. That’s why I don’t understand why you are giving up.”
“Chelsea didn’t think I would make it back. Do you know what that feels like? The one person in the world who should have had my back just gave up and left me to die alone in the desert.”
“Chelsea wasn’t strong enough, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.”
“I’m not so sure anymore. I just walked away from someone I cared about because I couldn’t tell her the truth.”
“Why?”
“Because I was scared to lose her.”
“Looks like you lost her anyway. Why not put all your cards on the table. Let her decide what she can handle.”
I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees as I hung my head and thought about what May had said. She patted me on the back and stood from the couch.
“I’m going to make us some coffee and if you feel like talking more, I will be here to listen.”
“Thanks.”
I grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels on the television. It was equal parts news and reality television. I couldn’t stand either. Both were nothing but lies. Much like my life. So I couldn’t really complain. I wondered if she was sad I was gone. If she was at home wishing I would come back. I wanted to, more than anything, but I didn’t know if I could say good-bye to her again.
“Do you think I’m like my father?” I asked to May, who stopped what she was doing and turned to face me.
“I don’t know your father, Shane.”
“That makes two of us.”
She grabbed two mugs of coffee and came to join me on the couch.
“He was always so stressed out, and he hardly ever was around. I feel like I am setting myself up to repeat history.”
“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
I took a sip from my coffee and struggled to swallow the bitter brew.
“You think I should find my father?” I asked as I got up and made my way to the cupboard to find the sugar.
“I don’t think it would hurt to get the answers you have been looking for. Are you trying to make yourself sick?” she asked, eyeing the sugar I poured into my mug.
“Jenn has a sweet tooth.”
“Ahh…well, that explains why she likes you.” May gave me a wink.
I smiled as I took a sip of my coffee and stared down into the murky liquid.
“I’ll see what I can find out.”
She got up from the couch and put her mug on the table before disappearing back into the hallway.
“Please tell me he is not hiding in your closet,” I called after her.
“No. But he is probably on the Internet.” She reappeared with a laptop in hand.
“You’re serious about this.”
“You’re not? You have always been worried that you would never live up to this impossible man you think you need to be because of him.”
“Fine.” I set down my mug and took the laptop from her hands. “If he was too busy for his family, I’m sure he’s too busy to update his Facebook.” I sat down at the kitchen table and powered up her laptop. Her hand fell on my shoulder. I placed mine on top of hers. “Thank you.”
“That’s what family is for, Shane.”
I began my search in all of the obvious locations. I searched the news for Devin Tudor. Most of my memories of him involved weapons and a temper, so I figured that would be the best avenues. I scoured the records, looking for any clue as to who he was or where he had come from.
The search turned up nothing. I moved on to social media. It is rare nowadays for anyone not to be online, no matter how old. I checked his name with various spellings, but the only names that popped up belonged to people much younger than my father would be.
“Any luck?” May asked as she opened the fridge.
“None. He’s like a ghost.” I ran my hands over my hair and stretched.
“You want a sandwich?”
“Sure.”
“You know, you’re not really on any of that stuff either.”
“So you’re saying I am like my father, right down to my lack of trust in Internet privacy?”
May laughed as she grabbed ingredients from the fridge and carried them to the counter.
“I’m saying…a lot of military men feel that way.”
I pushed back my chair and stood, staring at her back as I tried to absorb that information.
“You think he is military?” I asked.
“I’m just saying it makes sense. The guns, the never being around.”
I sat back down in my chair with a thud as I thought that over. I really was just like him.
“Think about it, Shane. Maybe your mother didn’t want him around because he was never there to begin with. Maybe this guy isn’t as bad as you thought he was.”
“Wasn’t as bad? May, I watched my mother die on the couch and that son of a bitch was nowhere to be found.”
“I know, Shane. What happened to your mother was unthinkable. She would have never taken any of that medication if she knew what it would do to her. But she didn’t know and neither did he. Your father had no reason to believe that your mother wouldn’t live a long and healthy life taking care of you.”
“How can you defend him?”
“I’m not.” May came and stood in front of me and placed her hands on my shoulders. “All I am saying is sometimes people are misunderstood. That is why honesty is so important.”
“Are we talking about Jenn now?”
I spun around in my seat and faced the computer. I typed in the web address for my AKO account and put in my personal information. If my father was in the military, I would be able to find him on here. Maybe. I put what information of his I had into the search field and waited for the results to populate. A million thoughts swam through my head and it took all of my courage not to close out the window and forget about him. I almost gave in as the results flooded the screen.
“What’s that?” May asked over my shoulder as she read over the screen.
I ran my hand over my jaw and blew out a deep breath.
“That’s my father.”
I pulled open the front door on the third knock and nearly fell over when my eyes landed on Shane’s.
“I thought you needed to spend time with Jake.”
“Plans changed,” he said with a small smile.
My eyes searched his as I stepped off to the side so he could enter, fidgeting with the sleeves of my shirt.
“Jake’s son is allergic to dogs. I was hoping I could keep Roxy here until I leave.”
“I didn’t think I would see you again.” I bent down to pet Roxy. “Of course she can stay here with me.”
“I couldn’t miss out on another adventure. What are we doing today?”
“How would you like to meet
my
family?” I asked, holding my breath, hoping he would say yes.
“Now?” he asked as he stood in front of me.
“My sister’s wedding rehearsal dinner is today. I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t want to go alone.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“Are you sure? It won’t be fun and I can’t promise that at some point someone won’t make me cry.” I smiled nervously.
Shane ran the pad of his thumb over my cheek.
“If anyone makes you cry, I will make
them
cry, okay?”
I laughed and wrapped my fingers around his.
“Thank you. I should get dressed.” I took a small step back and let his hand fall from mine. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling for Shane but after he left yesterday, I was scared to trust that he wouldn’t do it again.
“You look great.”
I made a face at him and laughed.
“I’m sure no one would agree with you, but thank you. I’m going to slip a dress on.”
I took a couple more steps back before turning around and making my way into my bedroom. I rummaged through my closet, tossing dresses on the floor as I struggled to find something that would look decent. I grabbed my favorite and hoped it would look dressy enough for the event.
“How’s this?” I asked as I opened the door to my room. I was standing in front of him in a pale yellow sundress with a white cardigan over it.
“You look like sunshine.” He smiled and stood slowly. Pink crept across my cheeks as I blushed.
“Why do you call me that?” I cocked my head to the side.
Shane stepped closer to me and grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers in mine. “Come on.”
We rode in silence as they made our way across town toward Bella’s, an Italian restaurant that would be catering Gail’s wedding. My knuckles blanched white as I gripped the steering wheel. I could feel Shane’s eyes on me.
“You’re a natural. You should have no trouble passing your driving test.”
I smiled and looked over at him.
“Don’t patronize me. You practically keep your hand on the door handle just in case you need to jump out.”
He laughed and shook his head.
“I’ve been in scarier situations.”
We pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant as my face went serious again. I put the car in park and turned to face him in my seat.
“If you want to leave at any time, just let me know. I completely understand if you can’t make it through the meal. I’m not sure I will.” My words ran together as I spoke so rapidly I was sure he couldn’t make sense of anything I said. He leaned over and wrapped his hand behind my neck and pulled my face to his as he pressed his forehead against mine. My hands fell on his chest as my eyes fluttered closed. Shane’s heart thudded wildly under my fingers. All worry and fear left me as I focused on Shane being so close to me and every ounce of my body begged he would kiss me, but his lips never touched mine.
“What are you doing?” I asked as I slowly opened my eyes. The side of his lips curved into a smile.
“I’m not going anywhere, sunshine. I said I would be here for you and I will be. Now, if
you
decide you don’t want to be here, we can leave. All you have to do is say the word and we will run out of those front doors and never look back.”
“A word. That’s perfect. We should have a secret word so we can make up an excuse to leave if it gets too hard.”
He laughed and kissed me softly on the cheek, his lips barely brushing against my skin, but it set me alive with fire under his touch.
“Sure. How about Lima. It’s part of the military phonetic alphabet.
L
for
leave
.”
“Fine. That’s good.
Leema
? Okay.” I put my hand on the door handle before glancing back at him. He just shook his head and laughed before getting out and making his way to my side of the car and pulling open my door. His hand found mine and he gave it a reassuring squeeze as he guided me to the front door of the restaurant.