Suicide Note (20 page)
“I really miss you, Shane.” A small sob escaped her and my heart broke for her.
“I miss you, too. Can you do me a favor?”
“Yes,” she said with a sniffle.
“Go into Jake’s office and hand him the phone.”
“You’re done talking to me already?”
“No. I have to go soon but not just yet. I need to speak with Jake. Can you get him for me?”
“Sure.”
I waited as she made her way into Jake’s office. I heard her tell him I was on the phone.
“Shane?” Jake asked.
“Yeah, man. It’s me. I’m here. I made it. Look, I don’t have much time. I need you to do me a big favor.”
“Yeah, sure. Anything. What do you need?” he asked. I closed my eyes as I forced the words from my throat. I didn’t want anyone laying a single finger on Jenn, but I couldn’t let her cry in her office while feeling all alone.
“I need you to hug Jenn.”
“You want me to what?” he asked. I took a deep breath, not wanting to repeat myself.
“You heard me. She is crying and I can’t do anything to comfort her. I need you to be there for her.” There was another long pause before Jake responded.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll do it, man.”
“Thank you. Now give the phone back to my girl so I can tell her I love her.”
“Stay safe, Shane.”
“Always.” I couldn’t wait to hear her voice again and the two seconds it took for her to get back on the phone seemed to last an eternity.
“Hello?”
“Jenn, I have to go, sweetheart. I want you to know that what Jake does next I asked him to do. Please let him. You will feel better. I love you.”
“I love you too, Shane. Please be safe.”
I hung up the phone and ran a hand over my hair, wishing I could be the one to hold her in my arms when she is sad. I hated the thought of someone else comforting her, taking away the pain that I had caused.
We only had to get through six more months of this and we could be together, but those six months were going to test me in every way possible.
I slid my phone onto Jake’s desk after the line went dead, sobs racking through my body. Jake quickly closed the door to his office and stood in front of me with a nervous look on his face.
“What?” I asked as I looked at him through teary eyes.
“Shane asked me to do this,” he said as he awkwardly lurched forward and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I didn’t like the idea of anyone touching me. I didn’t want to be in the arms of Jake. I wanted Shane so desperately my entire body ached. I slowly raised my arms and looped them around his back as the tears continued to pour, the anger and the sadness finally finding a release.
“Shhh…” he said as he rubbed his hand over my back. “I know you wish Shane could hug you, and he will. He will come back to you.” I nodded into his shoulder, unable to speak. We stood that way, hugging in his office, in the middle of our busy workplace for at least ten minutes before I finally stopped crying. I felt drained and tired, but it was nice to be able to share my sadness with someone else.
“Thank you,” I mumbled as he grabbed a couple of tissues from his desk and held them out for me. I wiped my eyes but I knew, without looking in a mirror, that my face was puffy and pink.
“Take the day off. Go spend some time with May. She would like to have the company.”
“I can’t just leave.” I shook my head as I stared down at my shoes.
“Go. I can handle the reports. I know I haven’t always been easy on everyone here. I was so wrapped up in my own problems I didn’t stop to think about what anyone else might be going through.”
I nodded but didn’t know how to respond. I had always thought Jake was just a mean-spirited person. I had judged him unfairly. I was so preoccupied with my own heartache that I didn’t consider what he might have on his mind. We weren’t that different.
“Thank you, Jake.”
Jake reached out and rubbed over my shoulder with a sad smile.
“We’re family now. Family needs to look out for each other.”
I smiled and gave him a small hug before grabbing my phone and making my way to the elevators.
Now seemed like the perfect day for May and I to have a girl’s day out. A little pampering would make me feel better, and I knew she needed a break.
I pulled out my cell and dialed May as I started Shane’s car. The phone linked to the Bluetooth and I was able to talk to her over the sound system.
“Good news?” May asked. I couldn’t help but smile. It was nice to have someone care.
“I spoke to Shane. He is fine.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah, I think I am going to be okay. Listen, I have the rest of the day off. I was wondering if you wanted to go have that girl’s day.”
“You don’t have to ask me twice. The boys are in school and my house is semi-clean.”
“I’ll be right over.” I smiled as I hit
end call
on the touch screen.
“You have done enough.”
“This food will just go to waste if you don’t take it.” May pushed the casserole dish toward me. I rolled my eyes and picked up the container of leftovers.
“Not bad for my first turkey.” I had always loved to cook, but unfortunately, I was never any good at it. My mother didn’t like to spend time in the kitchen so as a child, we ate out a lot or microwaved something to eat.
“You will be a hit next Thanksgiving.” She laughed as we both turned to Jake, who was groaning and stretching out on the couch.
“I just hoped it lived up to his birthday tradition.” I motioned toward Jake flipping through the channels on the television.
“Are you kidding? Look at him.” May laughed and patted me on the arm. “I see a promotion in your future.” She winked, and we both laughed.
“I better get home. Don’t forget, Shane should be calling sometime tonight. He didn’t want to miss Jake’s birthday.”
“If he doesn’t slip into a food-induced coma, we will be up.”
“Have a good night,” I called out before making my way to the door to head home.
I loved spending time with May and her family. It made me feel like I was with Shane, even though he was still a million miles away. I wished I would be able to spend his birthday with him. It was coming up in only a few weeks. He insisted that he didn’t like his birthday and would sooner forget about it, but I couldn’t. Not that there were many options for celebrating with so much distance between us.
“Why do bad things happen to good people?” Gail sniffled as she rubbed a tissue under her nose.
“Everything happens for a reason.” I sighed as I reached out to rub my sister’s arm. She pulled back from my touch.
“There’s a reason we can’t have children?”
I had chosen the wrong words. I was up late waiting for Shane to call and I had worked to nearly seven o’clock at night. I rubbed my fingers over my forehead, hoping I could keep my patience for just a little while longer.
“Gail, what is with the sudden urge to have children? I have never heard you talk about wanting kids.” My sister was too selfish to share the attention with anyone, offspring included.
“Tracy is four months pregnant. All anyone talks about is the baby this and the baby that. It made me realize I was missing something.” I rolled my eyes. Gail was jealous of the attention her friend was getting. Everything really does happen for a reason.
“Have you thought of using a donor?”
“You’re kidding, right? Thomas would never want me to carry around some other man’s baby.”
“It would be
his
baby.”
My phone rang and I almost jumped out of my seat with excitement.
“That’s Shane. I can’t miss his call. It’s his birthday.”
Gail rolled her eyes and stood from the couch.
“I see who is more important to you,” she said before turning toward the door, her heels clacking loudly against the wood floor. When the door closed, I grabbed my cell phone and quickly answered it.
“Shane, happy birthday!”
“It’s just another day, Jenn. How are you?”
“My sister…” I groaned and sank back onto the couch.
“Enough said,” he laughed and I closed my eyes, imagining his smile. “Have I told you how proud I am that you got your license?”
“Yes, you have told me. Thank you. I wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for you. What do you want for your birthday? Anything you want. I’ll have it waiting for you when you get home.”
“Just you, sunshine. I miss you.”
“I miss you too. Did you get my package?”
“Yeah, thank you. You sent enough snacks to feed half an Army. I have been sharing with a lot of the guys.”
“Good. I wished the mail reached you sooner.”
“It’s a miracle we get anything at all around here.”
“Shane…” I swore I wasn’t going to ask him this while he was gone, but it was weighing heavily on me. I needed to know what would happen when all of this was over. I had a job here that I loved and his family was like my own, but I knew he would need to stay in North Carolina. He had a few years left on his contract and I had no idea if he planned to extend it. “What happens when you come home?” I could barely force the words out.
“I’m not sure what you’re asking, Jenn.”
“You have to stay in North Carolina and my life is here.” I picked at the fringe from my throw pillow.
“I thought I was your life.”
Wrong words! Wrong words again.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I get it. I have to go. I’ll call.”
Before I could say anything, the line went dead. My emotions boiled over and I clutched the pillow on my couch and held it to my chest as I cried until exhaustion overtook me and I passed out.
I hung up the phone before she could end us. I knew I was being a coward, but I couldn’t let her say the words. It was only a matter of time before she realized that being with a soldier was too much.
“I know that look.” Owens shook his head as he shoved a Tootsie Roll in his mouth.
“I hate birthdays,” I said as I walked past him to go back to my bed. I could hear his boots on the old wooden floor as he followed behind me.
“What happened?”
“War happened. It’s what always happens.”
“Are you sure she is leaving you, man? The way you talk about her…she’s different.”
“She didn’t say the words.” I clenched my jaw, grinding my teeth together.
“What
did
she say?” Owens asked as he sat down on an old metal folding chair across from my bed.
“She wanted to know what happens after I get back.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad.”
“I have to stay at Bragg. She said her
life
is in Maine.”
“Did she say she was staying there?”
“No.” I shook my head as I rung my hands together.
“It sounds like she just wanted you to ask her to come with you.”
“I doubt that.”
“Tudor, you’re one hell of a soldier and I wouldn’t want to go to war with anyone else, but you suck when it comes to women.” Ryan rocked back on the back legs of his chair as he raised his eyebrows.
“You’re some kind of expert? You can’t keep a woman for more than a week.”
“But I still have a woman every week. You just need to change your perspective.” Ryan grinned as he popped another piece of chocolate in his mouth.
“I fucked up.” I hung my head in my hands wishing I could erase the last hour of my life.
“So explain it to her.” Ryan leaned forward so his chair was on all four feet again and rested his elbows on his knees. “If you want her to stay with you, ask her to. Women like to hear these things, not just assume them.”
“Why
are
you still single?” I asked, lifting my head to look at Owens with a smirk.
“It’s my porn addiction.” He smiled and stood up to leave the room. I shook my head and laughed as I lay back on my bed, my eyes falling on the photo booth pictures of Jenn and me that I taped on the bottom of the bunk above me.
I couldn’t let her go to sleep thinking that we weren’t okay. I pushed from the bed, groaning as I stretched my achy muscles. I made my way back to the phones so I could call her and tell her how much I loved her.
“Oh, God!” I doubled over the sink in my bathroom, afraid I couldn’t make it to the toilet just three feet away. My stomach muscles cramped as I dry heaved. I grabbed the blue hand towel that hung next to the sink and blotted my forehead that was now glistening with perspiration. Stumbling into the bedroom, I grabbed my cell phone from the nightstand and dialed my mother.
“Mom? I think I have food poisoning.”
“Is this an excuse to get out of shopping? I have been looking forward to this trip all week.”
I rolled my eyes as I lay down on my bed.
“This isn’t about you, Mom. I need you to bring me something. Soup, medicine…anything.”
“I guess we can reschedule for another time. I’ll bring you some soup from O’Grady’s. How does that sound?”
My stomach turned and I clutched it with my free hand.
“Not very appetizing,” I groaned as I rolled onto my side.
“I’ll call Dr. Callahan and see if he can make room to see you.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I clicked the button to end the call, but couldn’t move.
My memories scanned my food intake in the last few days as I tried to pinpoint the culprit. I held the phone over my face and called May.
“Dying…” I moaned as I rolled to my side.
“What is wrong with you?” May asked, her voice in a panic.
“Food poisoning.”
“I’ll be right there. I told Jake we shouldn’t have eaten at that Chinese restaurant. It didn’t look clean.”
I laughed as I let the phone fall from my fingers and squeezed my eyes closed. I wish Shane were here to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I could have really used his reassurance. One thing I was learning from dating a soldier was that you had to be strong for yourself. You couldn’t rely on others because you never knew when you would be alone. Unfortunately, I didn’t think I would be able to drive a car while doubled over in agonizing pain. That, and if I threw up in Shane’s car, he would probably freak out.