Suicide Note (25 page)
“You weren’t supposed to come here.” I was in shock. Jenn was not the person I expected to see.
Jenn made a face at me and her lips quirked into a smile.
“I couldn’t stay away from you, Shane.”
I wrapped my arms around her waist and lifted her into my arms. Tears, happy tears, fell from my eyes as I held on to the only person in the world that could take away all of my hurting with a simple smile.
“If something would have happened to you.”
“It didn’t. We can’t live our lives in a protective bubble. Things are going to happen, sometimes bad things, but we shouldn’t let that decide how we live our lives. Don’t be mad at me.”
I sat her down on her feet and brushed the hair back from her face as I studied the curves I had memorized months before.
“You shouldn’t have come.” He shook his head and my heart clenched in my chest. He didn’t want me there. I wasn’t the face he was searching for in the sea of people.
“Who were you expecting?” I asked as my knees began to give way beneath me.
“Jenn, I need some closure form my past before I can move on with us.”
“Move on?” My hand fell to my belly as I covered it, protecting it. “It’s a little late for that.”
A man dressed in military uniform placed his hand on Shane’s shoulder, effectively ending our conversation.
I turned around as my head spun, fading into the crowd around us and disappearing. I couldn’t get out of their fast enough. My heart would explode if I had to stay another moment and witness his betrayal.
My cell phone rang in my purse and I pulled it out to see it was May. I turned the volume off and shoved it back into my bag. As I reached the car, I was practically hyperventilating.
I managed to make my way to the hotel room where Roxy was waiting for me. Roxy had gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life and I would have to say good-bye to her too. This wasn’t how I pictured his homecoming. I thought back to the phone call I had gotten from Chelsea. I knew he had talked to her. That was a fact. He wouldn’t open up to me. I couldn’t understand why he would want to share his feelings with someone who had crushed him just months before. Maybe taking Roxy was all just part of his plan to get her husband caught in the act of cheating. Maybe I was just a distraction.
I collapsed onto the bed and tangled myself in the covers as I cried.
I don’t know if minutes or hours passed. I passed out from exhaustion. The knocking at the door grew louder and I pulled a pillow over my head and hoped they would go away.
“Open the door, Jenn.”
I sat up on the edge of the bed and pushed my messy hair back from my face as I stared down at my belly.
“Let me explain.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
The lock on the door clicked and he pushed it open, a small grin on his face.
“I told them I had left the key to my room with my fiancé.”
I looked down at the large ring that wrapped around my finger.
“Can I explain?” he asked as another man stepped through the door. I nodded once as I ran my hand over Roxy’s back.
“This is Devin Tudor, my father.”
My eyes shot up and locked on to Shane’s before I glanced to the man that he said was his father. On second inspection, they had the same square jaw and intense eyes, but his were green. He must have gotten his blue eyes from his mother.
“Your father?”
Shane nodded as he took a tentative step closer.
“I thought…” I ran my hands over my face in embarrassment.
“Would you mind giving us a moment?” Shane turned to his father who nodded and stepped outside of the room, closing the door behind him.
“What did you think?” he asked, closing the space between us and towering over me as I sat on the edge of the bed.
“Why did you call Chelsea?” I tried my best to keep my voice from wavering.
“Chelsea?” He looked confused for a minute before something clicked in his memory.
“She had all of my belongings. I needed my class A uniform for Owens’s funeral.”
“Oh, God. I’m such an idiot.” I squeezed my eyes closed, hoping the hotel bed would swallow me whole. Shane’s fingers wrapped around my wrist and slowly pulled my hand from my face.
“How did you know I called Chelsea?” he asked as he sank down to eye level with me.
“She called May’s house. She said—”
“When?” He was flexing his jaw as he struggled to keep his composure.
“When Ryan died.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You were upset. I figured she just knew him and you felt more comfortable talking to her. I was scared. Are you mad at me?”
“I’m not mad at you, sunshine.” He pressed his lips against mine and my body melted against him. He kissed me as if my breath was the only air he could breathe, leaving no doubt to whom he had been thinking about. He glanced down between us at my belly that stuck out from my T-shirt. The one curve that had changed. He dropped to my knees and placed a kiss on my stomach before wrapping his arms around my waist and hugging me again. My fingers ran through his hair as he clung to me. The world felt right again. All of my fear and anxiety about Shane coming home washed away as he held on to me.
“You ready?” I asked as I closed the trunk of the car.
“As I’ll ever be.” Jenn smirked and gave me a quick peck on the lips before getting into the passenger side of our car. I called for Roxy and held my seat forward for her to jump in before I did.
“You excited to see Jake and May?”
“It feels like it’s been years. I can’t wait.”
“You gonna tell them about your dad?” she asked as she pulled the seatbelt around her and clicked it into place. I shook my head as I pushed the start button and backed out of the hotel parking spot. I still couldn’t believe that I harbored so much anger for my father after all these years. My mother couldn’t handle the constant worrying of my father always being gone, so she told him to leave. He told me he had wanted to stay, that he loved her, loved us, but he had to respect her wishes. He and I had more in common than I had realized.
“Maybe save that for another day.” I put the car in drive and made my way out onto the main road. “It will be shocking enough to let them know we eloped.” He smiled as he looked down at the white gold band wrapped around his finger as he gripped the wheel.
“One crazy piece of news at a time. Got it.”
I leaned over and kissed my wife on the lips, brushing her hair back from her face.
“I love you so much.”
“I Love you, too.”
Jenn
November 15, 2010, Baby Shower
“Don’t be such a baby.” Shane teased me and I poked him in his ribs.
“I hate parties,” I wined.
“This isn’t a party. It’s a baby shower. May and Gail went through a lot of trouble to set this up.”
“Are you trying to guilt trip me? I asked as I folded my arms over my chest, resting them on my belly.
“Is it working?” He reached out and rubbed my stomach.
“Fine.”
Shane smiled and opened the door to May’s house. My mother and sister yelled surprise as they clapped. May came running from the hallway.
“I missed the surprise!” She came to meet me in the living room and gave me a hug.
“I hate surprises.”
“Not all surprises are bad,” May laughed.
“That is what I always tell her,” Shane chimed in. I turned around and glared at him as he put his hand on the door handle.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“This is for the ladies. I am meeting the guys over at Hannigan’s for a beer.” He winked at me before slipping out of the door quickly.
“All right.” May put her hands on my shoulders and guided me to the couch. “Let the fun begin.”
We played all sorts of ridiculous games as those who had kids shared their labor stories. By the time they were done, I was convinced there was no way I was giving birth. They made all of my favorite foods, and we talked about marriage and love and all of the things in between. I was thankful to have so many people who supported me and loved me. It takes a little longer for some of us to realize how lucky we were to have each other in our lives, but better late than never. I wondered if Shane would be able to develop a relationship with his father now that he knew the circumstances of him leaving.
As the night ended, I was more than ready to go back to my apartment and cuddle up with my husband. My lease was up in a few months, so we put an ad in the newspaper to find someone to rent it in the meantime. Our request was answered from someone I least expected. Gail had finally had enough of the long, lonely nights without her husband and filed for divorce. She would move in as soon as Shane and I left for North Carolina.
Shane
November 25, 2010, Thanksgiving Day
Listening to all of my family and friends tell each other what they were thankful for was something I would never take for granted. I knew how easy it was to lose everything.
“This turkey looks amazing, Jenn!” Jake reached out to grab a piece of skin from the turkey, and May slapped his hand away.
“I learned from the best.” Jenn smiled at May, who gave her a wink.
“I am a lucky man.” I laughed as I scooped mash potatoes onto my plate before passing it around the table.
“You won’t be if you don’t save some of those for me,” Jenn joked as she shot me a dirty look.
“Easy. We don’t want our son to be as big as this turkey,” I shot back.
Jenn reached her hand under the table and slipped her fingers between mine, giving them a gentle squeeze.
Jenn
November 27, 2010, Back to North Carolina
“It’s too soon!” May hugged me for the fourth time.
“We will be back for Christmas. It’s only a few days.” I laughed as I rubbed over my stomach. My son was kicking and it was incredibly uncomfortable.
“Little guy hurting you again?” Shane asked as he placed his hand over mine. I nodded and he rubbed small circles over my stomach until the baby stilled.
“You have a magical touch.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on the lips.
“So do you, Mrs. Tudor.”
I waited for Roxy to jump in the car before lowering myself in.
“I feel like a house.”
Shane laughed as he got in but quickly stopped when I glared at him.
“You are amazingly beautiful, Jenn.”
“I don’t know how many more times I can make this trip.” I adjusted myself in my seat, my hips already aching.
“A few more weeks and you will be done. I promise to make it as easy on you as possible.”
“Really?” I raised an eyebrow and ran my hand over his thigh. He adjusted in his seat and cleared his throat.
“This is going to be a long trip.”
“Did you sign out?” I asked as Shane walked in the front door.
“All set to go.” He leaned in to kiss me, his fingertips trailing along my jaw. “Are you sure you’re up for this?” he asked as he pulled me against him.
“It will be nice to see everyone. I’d like to have the baby with lots of family around.” My fingers spread over his chest.
“I’m not ready to go yet.” His fingers ran down my spine.
“I already packed.” I smiled, proud that I was able to get everything together while he was signing out for Christmas block leave.
“Just one thing left to do then,” he said as he picked me up and carried me into our bedroom.
He lowered me onto our bed, holding his body over mine as he slipped the strap of my tank top off my shoulder.
“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” He kissed my shoulder. I let my eyes flutter closed as I relished in his touched. He leaned back so he could pull his T-shirt over his head, tossing it beside our bed. I ran my fingers over his abs, tracing the lines with my fingertips. He shivered and his muscles tensed.
“Are you ticklish?” I asked, smiling widely.
“No,” he lied as he grabbed my hand and held it at the wrist above my head.
“I think you are.” I used my free hand to run over his ribs and he jerked on top of me. His eyes narrowed and he grabbed my other wrist and pushed it over my head as well. His breathing grew heavy, his mouth just over mine. I could feel how much he wanted me as he pressed against my thigh.
“I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”
I raised my hips, pushing against him. He let out a groan as he closed his eyes.
“You’re not going to hurt me, Shane. I promise.” I lifted my head from the pillow and pressed my lips against his, leaving them parted. His tongue gently licked over my bottom lip before he sucked it into his mouth. I moaned and rocked my hips again. His fingers released my wrists so he could undress me as I undid the zipper to his jeans. He pushed them down over his hips and lifted my skirt.
“Tell me if it is too much.” His words spilled into my mouth as we kissed again.
“I could never have too much from you.”
Jenn
December 18, 2010, Due Date
“Will you please stop staring at me like a turkey timer is gonna pop out?” I groaned as I took another bite of my Pop Tart.
“She’s right. Twenty bucks says this baby isn’t coming on his due date.” May smiled as she waved a twenty-dollar bill in the air.
“I’ll take that bet.” Gail rummaged through her purse for her wallet.
“All right. That’s enough. Everyone go home and we will call you when something happens.”
“This
is
my home,” Gail smirked.
“Well, it was my home first, so I have seniority.” I raised an eyebrow at her as I took another bite.
“I’ll sleep on the couch, but only because you’re pregnant. No funny stuff in my bed.” Gail pointed her finger at Shane, who held up his hands.
“That’s okay with me.” I pushed off the couch and stood, stretching my back as Gail laid down. “We made this baby right there on that couch.”