Summer of Secrets (5 page)

NINE

Rhi wished she could stop thinking about Brody as she walked home, kicking listlessly at the stones that littered the pavement. He wasn't interested. She could feel herself blushing every time she remembered that horribly awkward moment when she thought he had been about to kiss her. What had
possessed
her to make a move like that?

The closer she got to home, the worse she felt. It was past midday, and she hadn't called her mother to say where she was, or what she was doing. She'd turned off her phone deliberately when she had left Lila's that morning. It had felt like a kind of escape. But no matter how slowly she walked, home was getting closer with every step.

At the door, Rhi took a deep breath. Setting her guitar down on the pavement, she slid her key into the door and turned.

Her mother was standing in the hallway.

“Good of you to turn up, Rhi,” she said, resting her hands on her hips. “Where on earth have you been?”

Rhi didn't want to fight. She really didn't. “Sorry,” she said quietly. “I left you a note in the kitchen about the sleepover at Lila's.”

“Your friends should think more carefully about timing these sleepovers of theirs,” her mother said with annoyance. “Have they forgotten you all have exams tomorrow?”

“We're hardly going to forget,” said Rhi. She headed for the stairs.

“What about this morning?” said her mother, barring the way. “Don't tell me you only just woke up, Rhi. It's almost one o'clock in the afternoon. That's at least three hours' study time you've wasted!”

“I was writing songs with Brody,” Rhi said evenly. “I do it every weekend, Mum, you know that.”

“Songwriting with that boy,” snorted her mother. “There's no future in these dreams of yours, Rhi. Honestly, you get more like your father every day.”

Despite her best efforts to remain calm, Rhi could feel herself getting angry. “My singing isn't just a dream, Mum. It's what I want to do! Can't you for once just be happy for me?”

“I forbid you from seeing that boy until your exams are over,” said her mother furiously.

What?

“Mum, we have gigs!” Rhi protested in horror. “They're booked and everything. There's no way I'm letting Brody down now!”

“So you're happy letting me down instead, are you?” her mother demanded. “Happy letting
yourself
down in this way?”

Rhi had to resist the urge to argue back. She winced as she remembered how horrible she'd been to her mother the day before. She didn't want it to happen again.

“You have always taught me about responsibility, Mum,” she said in her calmest voice. “These gigs are my responsibility. People are counting on me to turn up and sing. I'm not letting Brody down.”

Her mother muttered under her breath, and passed her hands through her hair. “Fine,” she snapped, “you can do your gigs if you must. But there is to be no more all-day rehearsing at the weekends, do you hear me?”

“We never rehearse all day,” said Rhi, unable to stop herself from sounding sullen.

“Don't use that tone with me, young lady. I don't like your attitude. If you fail these exams, a full ban might be in order. Do you understand me?”

Rhi couldn't believe how unreasonable her mother was being. A full ban if she failed her exams? No seeing Brody at all? “You're punishing me for what I said yesterday, aren't you?” she blurted.

“That's a ridiculous thing to say,” her mother said at once. “I'm doing this because I care about your future, Rhi. Women need
careers
. They must be able to support themselves. I may be getting divorced, but at least I can take care of myself and don't have to rely on a man to do it for me. I don't want you to ruin your life over a boy, like I did with your father.”

Rhi bit her lip so hard she could taste blood. “Have you finished?” she said stiffly.

“For now. I take it you haven't had lunch? Go and make yourself a sandwich; there's some bread and ham in the kitchen. Then I want you to go upstairs and revise until I call you down for tea. Are we clear?”

Rhi stormed up the stairs, blood boiling through her veins. Slamming her bedroom door had never felt so satisfying. She glared at the notes still lying on her floor. Then she threw herself on the bed and screamed into her pillow. Rolling over, she stared in exhaustion at the ceiling. There was no way she would get any studying done feeling like this.

She pulled her phone from her pocket. Polly's name came up first. She waited for six rings before hanging up. Her heart was still racing with anger in her chest. Why did her mother have to be so awful?

Eve and Lila weren't picking up either. Rhi suddenly remembered the girls telling her that they all had plans with their significant others on Sunday afternoon. She dropped her phone on her bedside table with a groan, leapt to her feet and started pacing the room. She felt feverish and trapped, like a tiger in a cage.

Her foot brushed against something on the carpet. Rhi bent down and snatched up the crumpled ball of paper. She flattened it out and stared angrily at the words.

 

I'm sorry about everything… All I want is forgiveness…

This has to stop
, she thought.

Mac had included his email address at the bottom of the letter. She flipped open her laptop and pulled up her email. She had to make him go away.

Don't contact me again, Mac. It's too painful. Leave me alone.

Rhi

When she had sent it, Rhi rubbed her eyes and looked at Mac's pitiful letter again. Maybe she would forgive him one day, but not today. She was still too angry for forgiveness.

She had barely stood up from her desk when a reply landed in her inbox. She stared at it in surprise. She hadn't expected such a prompt response. Cautiously, she opened it.

 

I can't do that. I miss her. And I know you miss her too.

Rhi's eyes blurred with tears for what felt like the hundredth time today. Why was Mac doing this to her? Didn't he know how much she was hurting? She wiped the tears angrily from her cheeks and, despite herself, read the rest of the message.

Someday I'd like to tell you what
really
happened. I hope you'll let me do that.

Mac

Rhi stared at the words in confusion. They didn't make sense. What did Mac mean by “really happened”? Was there something about Ruth's death that she didn't know?

She slammed her laptop shut and rested her head on her desk. If Mac had wanted to pique her curiosity, he had succeeded. She hated him for it. Why had she emailed him at all?

The harder she tried not to think about Ruth, the more memories of her sister came pouring into her mind. Messing around at bathtime. Swingball in the garden. Holidays by the sea. Rhi couldn't prevent the images swirling through her mind. Ruth, smiling that maddening smile of hers, laughing and teasing and challenging.

“Don't swing too high!”

“I'll swing as high as I like.”

“Mum will get mad!”

“I don't care. I'm flying, Rhi. Fly with me.”

Rhi could feel a smile creeping across her face as she remembered Ruth flying on that swing. It felt strange to smile, but nice too.

She picked up her guitar and brushed the strings with her fingers. She needed to channel this emotion that she was feeling because it was the first good feeling she'd had in a while. There was no guilt, no terrible sadness. Hesitantly, she plucked out a little tune, hoping that it wouldn't vanish into thin air like her morning's attempt at music-making.

“Fly with me,” she began. “To the blue air beyond … I'm not far, I'm so near, I can see you so clear; you are safe, you are free, fly with me…”

Her fingers steadied on the strings as the music coursed through her. It felt as if Ruth was with her, encouraging her. Making her feel safe, just as the words and the music made her feel safe. She grabbed a pencil, scrawling the lyrics on the first piece of paper she could reach.
Fly with me…
She wanted to fly, she wanted it so badly… Ruth wouldn't let her fall.

“Stay with me, in a world full of light … keep the darkness at bay and take flight, I'm not far, I'm so near, I can see you so clear, as I hold out my arms, just to keep you from harm as you fly … fly with me…”

She rested her forehead on the neck of her guitar as the last chords died away. She felt better, as if Ruth was there with her again.

TEN

Rhi sat very still and watched the clock on the wall as it ticked endlessly towards midday. Heads were bent over desks all around her, the sound of scribbling pens filling the classroom. She stared at the page and a half of writing that she had put down on the paper in front of her. It wasn't enough. Her mother was right: she hadn't studied properly.

I don't need to wait for the result
, she thought.
I know I've failed.
But she couldn't seem to make herself care.

After the exam, Rhi stayed quiet as her friends gathered in a relieved circle outside the hall.

“That was a shocker,” Lila declared. “Even with all the work I put in with Josh, there's no way I've passed that.”

Eve smirked. “Something tells me there was more kissing than revision with you two,” she said.

“We did revise,” Lila insisted, half laughing. “But OK – there was kissing too.”

“Don't be so hard on yourself,” said Polly encouragingly. “You probably did better than you think.”

“I can't believe it's only Monday,” Eve sighed. “We have four more days of this.”

“Anyone want to come back to mine for a study session?” Polly offered. “Mum's back late tonight so we'll have the house to ourselves. I always revise better in company. Everyone has their notes for tomorrow's exams, right?”

It wasn't far to Polly's. Feeling relieved that she wouldn't have to go home yet, Rhi was happy to let Lila drag her out into the sunshine, and let the others chatter as she walked beside them. She wasn't in the mood for conversation.

“You're very quiet,” Lila remarked as they turned into Polly's road. “Did your exam go OK?”

“I guess,” Rhi found herself saying.

Lila squeezed her arm. “You'll be fine – you always work really hard. What have you got tomorrow?”

Rhi wasn't sure she knew. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she make herself care? “French and geography, I think,” she said.

Lila looked admiring. “I wish I was as cool about these exams as you. I have my timetable practically tattooed on my eyelids.”

Polly's house was bright and sunny, the kitchen table big enough for the four of them to fit around comfortably with a plate of biscuits and four mismatched mugs of tea. It was so calm here, Rhi reflected, looking around at the bright paintings on the walls and the well-thumbed books on the shelves. Her own house felt like a war zone in comparison.

She took out her books and wondered where to start.

Lila groaned. “I hate French.”

“
Je déteste le français
,” Eve observed.

Lila looked a little panic-stricken. “What?”

“I hate French,” Eve replied.

Brightening, Lila said, “You too?”

“Eve said ‘I hate French' in French, Lila,” Rhi said, rousing herself. “She didn't actually mean she hated it.”

Lila threw her hands in the air. “See what I'm up against?” she said in despair. “How am I supposed to do an exam in this? It's a foreign language.”

“That's the point, I believe,” said Eve drily.

Rhi opened a book at random and stared at it. If she could just focus, maybe she could absorb the information. But her mind was too full of other things.

“Rhi, can I talk to you?”

Rhi glanced up at Polly, twirling her pencil absently between her fingers. The others had their heads down over their books. “Sure. What about?”

“Let's go outside,” Polly suggested.

Polly's garden was as bright and sunny as her kitchen, dotted with terracotta pots full of brightly coloured geraniums and daisies. Rhi felt the sun on her face as she sat down at the green garden table.

“What do you want to talk about?” she asked as Polly sat opposite her.

“I know what you're going through,” said Polly simply. “It will get better, Rhi. I promise it will. Mum and Dad used to yell at each other outside in our garden. They thought if they shut the kitchen door, somehow I wouldn't be able to hear them.”

Rhi gave a hollow laugh. “I wish my parents were as considerate.”

“Have you seen your dad since he moved out?”

“I see him at the Heartbeat.”

Rhi wasn't sure she wanted to talk about the Heartbeat all that much. It brought back the hot and miserable memory of her trying to kiss Brody and being rejected.

Polly's eyes glimmered with sympathetic tears. “Oh Rhi, I know this is awful. Any time you want to escape, you can come here, OK? It's really important to have a space where you can just
be
. I wish I'd had a space like that when I was going through it.”

Rhi felt a wash of relief at the thought. “Thanks,” she said gratefully. “I might take you up on that.”

Polly reached over the table and gripped Rhi by the hands. “You know it might get worse before it gets better. Divorce isn't simple, or straightforward. I wish it was. It'll get interesting when one of them starts dating too.”

“I thought you were trying to cheer me up!” Rhi said, with half a smile.

Polly looked anxious. “I am! The point I'm trying to make is that however bad it gets, it's important to remember that all the bad stuff will eventually pass and everything will get back to normal. It may be a different sort of normal, but it
will
be normal.”

Rhi nodded. “It's been coming for a while, if I'm honest,” she said. “They've been miserable for a long time. Dad told me he was thinking of leaving even before Ruth died.” She blinked back a sudden rush of tears that had formed in the backs of her eyes. “My parents seem to bring out the worst in each other,” she said sadly.

Polly nodded. “Mine did too.”

Rhi wished more than anything that she could have her family back again, when everyone was happy, when Ruth was alive and there was nothing to worry about.
Talk about wishing for the stars
, she thought. “There
were
good times,” she said, more to reassure herself than anything.

Polly smiled. “We had some really fun times when I was little. I like remembering us all around the kitchen table we had in our San Francisco apartment. The sun always seemed to shine. Dad used to make muffins. He was so proud of them, he made them at least once a week. They were always as hard as rocks but Mum and I pretended they were delicious.” She giggled. “We fed most of them to the pigeons that used to land on our window sill. They were the fattest pigeons on the block.”

“Mum and Dad used to have a water fights in the garden,” Rhi said, remembering. “They were like a couple of kids.”

“The key is to remember those good times without wishing you could have them back,” Polly said.

Rhi swallowed painfully. “I don't think I can do that yet,” she admitted.

Polly's voice was gentle. “Of course you can't, this has only just hit you. But you will be able to one day. I promise. You'll find your new normal, just like I have.”

Rhi realized she was feeling better. “Yes,” she said, feeling more confident. “You're right. It's just … getting to the new normal, isn't it?”

“Exactly. You'll all mess up for a while, and hurt each other, and shout and scream for a bit, and it'll suck,” said Polly. She smiled encouragingly. “But then things will settle down and a kind of calm will sneak up on you that you won't even notice for a while. And then – bang. New normal.”