Summoning Light (10 page)

"You could lead a group of us against the Shadows. Let the others flee."

"I will not break from the Circle. Without the authority of the Circle and the Code, we would fracture not into two factions, but into many. We would quickly descend into chaos, and the Shadows would have won. We must remain united."

Elric was right, of course. Solidarity, above all. It was the same answer he himself had given to Alwyn earlier. Yet Elric's assertion brought him no peace. Elric had paid too great a price. And Galen raced with the restless urge for revenge.

"How much are you willing to sacrifice to that end?"

"I have already given nearly everything I have."

"What about Galen?" Alwyn said. "He's trying like hell to remain loyal to you and your exalted Circle, and it's killing him."

Galen rocked back and forth, uncomfortable with the mention of his name.

"He has spoken to you?" Elric said.

"Of course not. He's barely speaking at all. I was shocked to see that he's in no better shape than he was a month ago. The poor boy's been sleepwalking through life like some kind of zombie since Isabelle was killed. Another bright idea of the Circle – sending two inexperienced initiates into danger."

"To answer your question, no, I will not give up Galen. I have given him over to the Circle once, and I will not do so again. He is the one thing I am not willing to sacrifice. He is another reason I must go to the hiding place."

"But he needs to fight. He needs justice for Isabelle."

Galen closed his eyes, though it did not matter. His fingers dug into the mattress.

"No. He is in shock. I believe he has had thoughts of suicide, as well as thoughts of mass destruction. He needs stability, not war. That is his path to recovery."

"Stability, in a confined place filled with mages? It sounds more like a powder keg."

"There is no further need for discussion. You have asked and I have answered. The Circle has made its decision. As for Galen, keep him out of your plans. He is mine."

Galen heard footsteps. Elric, he supposed, walking to the door.

Alwyn turned, and Elric's image flashed momentarily into view. He stood a few feet away, a severe figure in his high-collared black robe.

"Don't you think the time for secrecy is over?" Alwyn's question sounded more like a challenge. A long silence followed. Finally Alwyn continued. "The mages deserve to know the full situation. And I believe if the Circle told them, they would want to stay and fight."

"Kell allowed Elizar to learn the secrets of Wierden."

"Everyone is not Elizar."

Galen stiffened. What was this?

The Circle retained more secrets, he realized, and somehow Alwyn knew at least one of them. His heart pounded. What was it? A secret of power? Elizar had spoken of such secrets, and he had learned some of them when he had invaded Kell's place. Did the mages have more powers of which they were unaware, and did Alwyn believe those powers could be used to fight the Shadows?

If the Circle did hold such secrets, then it should reveal them before the mages went into hiding. It should have revealed them before it had forced so many to destroy their places of power. It should have revealed them before everything had gone wrong.

Secrecy was the way of the mages, necessary to manipulate others, to create illusions and deceptions, to perform acts that seemed magical. But their secrets should be kept from outsiders, not one another. Kell's secrets had already caused irreparable damage. What reason could the Circle possibly have for keeping secrets now?

He must find the truth. The secrets had to be uncovered.

That was just what Elizar had told him, a lifetime ago.

"The Circle will never agree to tell the mages," Elric said. "We have discussed it many times."

"I could tell them."

"You know the penalty."

"The Circle would do to me what Elizar did to Kell. You could tell them."

"The penalty is no different for me," Elric said.

"How can you keep this from them? Don't you think they have a right to know? And how could you have kept Galen in the dark all these years? How could you have seen him through initiation and all that's followed, and never said a single word to the boy?"

Agitating energy surged through Galen. What had Elric kept from him?

For a long moment the room was silent. Then Elric answered. "We do what we must. Perhaps once we are in the hiding place, the Circle will feel differently."

"Hiding from this war solves nothing. What if the Shadows are victorious? What then? Or worse, what if the Vorlons are victorious?"

"I can see no path by which the mages will survive this war. Not in any form that we would recognize. If that has not been clear to you, then I offer it as an additional bit of despair. Our time is ending."

Galen couldn't believe Elric had said that. He knew Elric had disagreed with the decision of the Circle, yet Elric had behaved as if retreating to a hiding place, while perhaps not the best solution, was a viable one. Galen had never seen his hopelessness.

Could it be that the situation truly was hopeless?

"I can't believe that," Alwyn said. "You're tired."

"I am more tired than I hope you ever know," Elric said. Then he added, "I will tell the Circle nothing of your plans."

The nearby sound of laughter distracted Galen, drawing him back to his small room. He sat on his cot, bent forward, rocking back and forth, his hands clenched around the edge of the mattress. His valise and staff lay on the floor beside him. Fed's bizarre, colorful wardrobe and half-assembled inventions surrounded him as if Fed's suitcase had exploded. The air reeked of cologne. The laughing came from outside the door. He heard Fed's voice.

"I didn't realize what a great idea this hiding away was. Once we get there, we're going to have plenty of time, and not much to do with it. Except have fun."

Some muffled sounds followed.

In Galen's mind's eye, Alwyn's cape billowed in a regular rhythm. He seemed to be walking down the hall. His conversation with Elric was over. Galen broke the connection.

"You're very good at that," a woman said, just outside the door. "Did I ever tell you that I had a hiding place of my own? I'd like to show it to you sometime."

"I'm free now," Fed said, and more muffled sounds followed. Galen realized they were kissing, their bodies rubbing against the door. "Want to take a spin on my flying platform of love?"

Galen stood.

Fed could go to the hiding place. Fed could be happy there. But how could Galen stand it?

He pulled open the door, and the two stumbled in, nearly falling on top of him. Fed's companion was Optima, one of the younger members of the Kinetic Grimlis. She pulled down her glowing purple shirt.

"Sorry," Galen said. He started out the door.

They both laughed. "Take your time," Fed said, "wherever you're going."

Galen closed the door behind him. He didn't know how long he could stand to be cooped up here, inside, with so many others. The utilitarian facility packed one tiny room beside the next, with only thin metal walls separating them. There was no privacy, no space.

Giggling sounded from the other side of the door. "I think we shocked him," Optima said.

Galen started down the narrow beige hall. Listening to Alwyn and Elric's conversation had not helped. He felt more unsettled than before, thoughts racing, energy churning, memories bleeding through. He crossed his arms over his chest, holding tightly to control. What was he going to do? Defy the Circle, defy Elric, abandon him in his time of need? Go to the home of the Shadows, find Elizar, and kill him?

That was what he wanted to do, but to do it, he would have to forswear the Circle and the Code. He would be no different from Elizar.

He had to see Elric. He had to know the secret of which Alwyn had spoken, the secret that might convince the mages to stay and fight.

Just as Galen reached the main passage, Herazade and Blaylock rushed by. Gowen followed a few feet behind.

"Gowen," Galen called.

Gowen continued down the hall. "I can't talk."

"What is it?"

"Another meeting of the Circle."

Galen went after him, fell into step beside him. "Will they change plans because of Kell?"

"That is what they must decide."

Galen had to talk to Elric before the meeting, before the Circle made any decision. He glanced back and found others following, anxious to learn whether their plans would be altered. He didn't see Elric. But if he followed Herazade and Blaylock, they would lead him to the rest of the Circle.

He tightened his arms across his chest, desperate to hold everything inside. Searching for something to quiet his mind, he fixed on Gowen.

Since the initiation, Gowen had apparently been scouring the hair not only from his scalp, cheeks, and chin, but from his entire body, as most of Blaylock's followers did, in imitation of their leader. Without eyebrows, Gowen's round face looked even rounder. Usually his expression conveyed a sense of serenity and sincerity, making Galen think of a monk. Yet now Gowen's cheeks were drawn up in dismay, his thick lips turned slightly upward. He turned to Galen.

"I only saw Kell for a moment," he said, "when we first entered. But I can't get the image out of my mind. How could Elizar do such a thing?"

Why did they keep asking him this? Elizar had done it to Kell the same way Galen would do it to Elizar, given the chance. Cut pathways down the arms as the victim screamed, pull back skin, carve through muscle, tendon, and blood vessels down to bone, and for maximum satisfaction, rip the tech out with bare, bloody hands.

Gowen awaited an answer.

"Some people delight in hurting others," Galen said.

"I can't understand that. And Elizar always seemed so devoted to the mages. I never knew him to be cruel – except perhaps with an insult. Now he seems as determined to destroy us as the Shadows are. Did Alwyn tell you that he and Carvin were attacked?"

"Yes."

"A number of others are missing. The Shadows seem to be targeting us."

Galen's mind suddenly jumped to what he had overheard.
We are the ones best equipped to defend,
Alwyn had said to Elric. And Elizar, in the last moment before the universe had changed forever, had told him that Isabelle must die because she knew the secret of listening to the Shadows. The Shadows were attacking them because the mages formed a threat. The mages did have some potential to fight the Shadows. So why wouldn't they?

Following Blaylock and Herazade, they turned down another passage, this one wider and higher. Two great metal doors on the right side of the passage swung open as they approached, and Blaylock and Herazade entered. Galen and Gowen stopped outside, and as the doors closed, Galen caught a glimpse of a plain dais at the far end of the large, empty room. Elric was not inside.

"That's where they had their religious services," Gowen said.

Galen looked back down the passage for Elric. The area was filling with mages.

"I never got a chance to talk to you after you returned to the convocation," Gowen said.

Galen searched desperately for Elric, for a way out of the conversation.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Gowen said.

What did Gowen know of it? How did he know Galen had suffered a loss? Galen had been sent on a task with another mage. The other mage had died. How did Gowen know what he felt about that death? He had said nothing, to anyone. He had told no one that he loved her, not even her. Did they all speak of him as Alwyn had? Did they note his silence? Did they call him a zombie? Didn't they have enough to concern themselves with?

"I'm sure you did all you could," Gowen said.

But he had not. That was the whole point, wasn't it? He had not used his spell of destruction to stop Elizar. And when she lay dying – he had not accepted Morden's offer to save her.

I wonder,
Morden had said,
whether you'll be able to live with that decision.

Galen saw Elric coming down the far end of the passage. "Excuse me," he said.

Again he tightened his arms across his chest, cold, though he still wore his coat. Inside, the memories were rising up, one by one, from where he had buried them. They slipped silently into his system, circulating through him like a fever. He could not face them again, not without losing all control.

He could not go on this way. He could not spend years in hiding like this. He could not hold it inside forever.

He had to find a way to end it.

C
HAPTER 5

After his conversation with Alwyn, Elric was barely able to find his way into an empty room before he was overwhelmed. He pressed his forehead against the cold metal of the wall, his hands to either side, and ran through one mind-focusing exercise after another, searching for some way to manage the pain.

Its source was the cavity of darkness in his skull, a place that had been connected to the chrysalis, and Soom, a place that had shriveled to ash. That emptiness pushed outward, like a tumor of desolation, pressing at the backs of his eyes, at his forehead. It throbbed, a phantom pain, the pain of what had been lost. It threatened to consume him.

During the journey to Selic 4, the discomfort had faded as he'd rested, never leaving him entirely, but allowing him to sleep for a short time. It had begun to gain intensity while he and the others of the Circle examined Kell's remains. And as he'd spoken to Alwyn, it had built into a startling, incredible pain.

At last, in its own time, it faded.

Elric did not know whether such attacks would continue, or whether they would grow more or less severe. But he was determined that no one would know of them. The mages had to have faith that their Circle was strong and capable if they were to follow. Those within the Circle needed to respect his power and authority if he was to have any influence. And Galen struggled enough without this additional burden.

When the pain finally passed, he was exhausted. His body was covered in sweat, and his legs quivered with the effort of standing.