Summoning Light (9 page)

"We haven't the numbers or the technology to win," Circe said.

Alwyn dismissed her comment with an impatient wave of his hand. "I didn't say we must fight them to win. But we must fight them. If our Code is anything more than a convenient balm to our conscience, we must make a stand. Besides, the Shadows won't relent. They'll find us in our hiding place, cowering like cowards, and they'll destroy us. Better to go down fighting. And we may even surprise you; we may be able to do them more damage than you suspect."

Circe pursed her lips. "If that's how you feel, Alwyn, then why have you come here? Why aren't you out killing Shadows?"

"Because I still foolishly hope that the Circle may see the light and change their minds."

"That they 'may see the light'. You're a great man for talk, Alwyn. Superior in wisdom, superior in morals. Yet what of action? Your superiority truly shines in carousing and probe-spitting contests. Look at Galen. He of all of us has faced the Shadows, and fought them. And he leaves for the hiding place with Elric. He knows that if we fight, more of us will die."

Alwyn looked at Galen. "Each must decide for himself."

"That way lies chaos." Circe turned to Carvin. "And you, do you share your teacher's rash judgment?"

"He has told me the decision is my own, and I will not make it lightly."

"The decision," Circe said, "is the Circle's. They have made the only choice they could, the one best for us."

Alwyn shook his head. "Aren't you tired of always defending them, of always seeking to impress them, hoping that someday you will be one of them?"

Circe glanced behind her, as if afraid others might overhear. "You go too far, Alwyn. You always have." She turned and pushed her way into the crowd, her pointed hat marking her retreat.

"And she never goes far enough, unfortunately," Alwyn said. He turned to Galen. "Elric is my last chance of swaying the Circle. I've talked to the rest of them, but they don't give my opinion any weight. If Elric would argue to stay, perhaps he could convince one other, and the vote of the Circle would be tied. With the arrival of Elizar's ship, they must reevaluate their plan. Might Elric be swayed?"

Galen unbuttoned his coat. The undercurrent of energy from the tech had risen again to the level of discomfort, generating an agitating unrest.

At the last meeting of the Circle, Elric had voted to stay and fight, but the other three members of the Circle had voted to hide, and so Elric had bowed to the will of the majority. He had told Galen that the mages must remain united, above all.
We must support the Circle with all our energies, or it will not hold. And if it does not, the mages will fall to chaos, and the Shadows will have triumphed.
Elric had not wanted to leave Soom, to destroy his place of power. Yet he had done it. He had weakened himself, for the sake of solidarity.

"I think it may be too late," Galen said, "for any of them to change their decision now."

"I'll do my damnedest to convince him, in any case," Alwyn said. "But what of you, Galen? Is what Circe said true?"

Galen looked again down the crowded hall, wishing for the refuge of his room. Alwyn was forcing him to reconsider his decision, to relive the events that had brought him to it. He could not think of them, could not allow those memories to resurface. He had chosen to obey the Circle and the Code before. Just as Elric could not change, he could not change, could not admit that his earlier obedience had been unnecessary. How could he live, if he admitted that? "I have sworn myself to the Circle and the Code, and I will do what they direct."

"And if the Circle dictates one thing, and the Code another?"

"Then I will follow the Circle, for the first word of the Code is solidarity, and we must remain united." He said the words, but they brought him no peace. The possibility of staying and fighting, though he tried not to think of it, lingered in his mind, unsettling him, promising him the satisfaction he desired. The tech echoed his restlessness.

He knew he must go with the others, but it was no longer enough simply to know. He had to hear it confirmed, had to hear again the reasons.

Alwyn planned to make his argument to Elric. Elric would explain why the mages must leave.

Galen reached down with his right hand, which held his staff and breather, and picked up the valise. Meanwhile, with his left, he reached into his robe pocket, where he had a packet of probes, and dipped his index finger into the dust-sized grains.

"But–" Carvin said.

As Galen straightened, he saw on her face what she was about to say, and he didn't want to hear it. He spoke over her.

"What about Elizar?" she said.

"I must find my room," Galen said. "It was a long journey, and I must rest."

"Yes, of course," Alwyn said, putting an arm across Galen's shoulders.

Galen brushed his index finger against Alwyn's cape, depositing several probes there.

"Get some rest," Alwyn said.

Galen put his head down and worked his way through the crowd. Others called to him – Muirne, Beel, Elektra, Tzakizak. They had shown him only minor interest in the past, but now they sought to find out what he'd seen on Elizar's ship. But it was more than that, Galen thought, as he nodded and moved on. They had left him alone after his return to the convocation, its final night a shock to them all. But they would leave him alone no longer. Somehow, now, they felt the need to speak to him, to extract from him the details of his ordeal, to include him in their deliberations. Though he tried not to meet their faces, some flashed past him, with smiles of forced cheer, or grim expressions of sympathy. Hands touched his back, his arms. He thought he heard the word, whispered, "Condolences." He pushed ahead, as if he did not hear, did not feel. He could not stop again.

He should not have put the probes on Alwyn. It was improper for one mage to secretly use his powers on another. And Alwyn would eventually discover the probes. But hopefully not until after Alwyn and Elric spoke.

The decision that he had made a month ago, and that the Circle had made, now seemed in doubt. Elizar and the Shadows knew where they gathered. Mages were missing or killed. Would it even be possible to hide when the Shadows pursued them so closely?

Galen broke free of the crowd and continued down the passage. In everything the mages said there were echoes of what Galen tried to bury. He had thought leaving Soom would help him drift further away from himself, just as leaving his home many years ago to live with Elric had helped him to forget. Yet things were only more difficult here. As Circe had said, he was the only one of them who had faced the Shadows and lived. When the mages looked at him, they thought of that, and of those who had faced the Shadows and died.

He was trapped here with those memories. And even once the mages reached the hiding place, it would be no different. The memories were everywhere. The pain was everywhere. There was no hiding from it. How could he continue to face it, day after day?

And how could he face, day after day, the fact that Elizar was out there, living his life?

Perhaps, if he heard Elric's response to Alwyn's argument, if he heard again the reasons they must go, it would put his thoughts to rest and calm the racing energy inside him.

He hoped that it would, for he could not remain this way.

"Must we speak now?" Elric said.

"It cannot wait," Alwyn replied.

The images from the probes Galen had planted on Alwyn weren't very revealing. The microscopic devices were caught in a fold of Alwyn's cape, and showed mainly a shifting curtain of black as Alwyn moved, with only occasional glimpses of the surroundings. At least Galen could hear their voices. He listened anxiously, relieved that Elric had finally emerged from the examination of Kell's remains, hoping at last for the confirmation he needed. The tech echoed his anxiety.

Apparently Elric followed Alwyn into a room where they could speak privately, for Alwyn continued. "We barely had a chance to talk after the Circle made its decision at the convocation. I know we disagree about almost everything. But I respect you, and I believe I know you. And I believe you must agree that the right thing for us to do is stay and fight the Shadows."

"I will save you the effort of convincing me, though I know you would enjoy the debate. I voted to stay and fight. The others disagreed."

"There's hope for you yet." Alwyn sounded surprised. "Must be my influence. All the better, then. You must convince just one of them to change votes. Then the Circle will be deadlocked, and they'll be forced to consider other alternatives."

"I cannot. But even if I could, I would not."

"We have a responsibility. You to Soom, and I to Regula 4 and its people. I know you don't want to leave your place undefended."

"Yet I have done so, for duty."

"Duty. Do you have a duty to be a fool, if the Circle orders foolishness?" The black folds of Alwyn's cape billowed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you've not made this decision lightly. But we have a responsibility that extends beyond our places of power, all of us to all the rest out there. We have power they do not. If we fail to use it for good, then what justification can we possibly claim for having it?"

"I made this argument to the Circle before. It did not sway them."

"How can they be such colossal hypocrites?" Alwyn's voice rose, and Galen could imagine his jaw growing tight, as it did when he became impassioned. "We have access to the tech, and to the power it carries. We keep it to ourselves, claiming we don't want it abused. We say that with it we'll seek knowledge, create beauty and magic, and do good. Then along come the Shadows, determined to drive all of known space into a war that will kill billions, and all we think about is saving our own skins. It goes against everything we claim to be. It proves that we have no right to the tech at all. It– it's rank cowardice, that's what it is. How can those jackasses justify themselves?"

Galen's breath quickened. Alwyn was right. Surely there must be some way that they could convince the Circle. They must fight the Shadows. They must fight Elizar.

Elric's tone remained even. "Blaylock believes fighting would go against our holy destiny. Ing-Radi believes we should fight only if we have a chance of winning. Herazade does not know how to cope with a universe in which we are not the strongest, except by hiding."

"I accept Blaylock as a lost cause. But couldn't Ing-Radi or Herazade be turned?"

"I tried and failed."

"Why not try again?"

That was exactly what Galen found himself asking.

"Because we have begun down this road," Elric said, "and as much as I wish we had not, we no longer have the choice to turn back. We are too weakened to form an effective fighting force. And with the murder of Kell, the attack on you and Carvin, and the other mages missing, it is clear we are besieged. Thus far they have attacked only a few of us, to frighten and intimidate the rest. But now we have gathered ourselves in one place, a place the Shadows have discovered, a place that is undefended. They can destroy us easily, at any moment. We must be very clever if any of us are to survive. The only reason they have not yet destroyed us is because they still hope for our alliance."

"We could use that against them."

"Pretend to join them, as Kell sent Elizar to do? We dare not. And the truth is, some among us may already have joined the Shadows, and may only be pretending loyalty to us. That may be how Elizar learned our location."

"Then what good will it be to hide, if the Shadows will know our hiding place?"

"No one will know, save the Circle. And no one will be allowed to send communications outside the hiding place, save the Circle."

"The hiding place will be our prison, then."

"That is not–" Elric's voice broke off oddly in the middle of his sentence, as if he had lost his breath. "That is not what I said."

"I can't believe you're going to go along with this," Alwyn said. "You're going to leave all the beings in known space without defense against the Shadows."

"We are not the only defense."

"But we're the ones best equipped to defend. What purpose do we have, if not this?"

Galen didn't understand what Alwyn meant. Certainly the mages were powerful. But weren't the Vorlons even more powerful?

"I too thought it might be our destiny to fight the Shadows, perhaps even to defeat them. Yet the Circle finds it otherwise. And as powerful as we are, we have many vulnerabilities when it comes to the Shadows. They can see through our illusions. They can penetrate our shields. It's likely they can do even more. We don't know if Kell surrendered willingly to Elizar, or if he was overpowered."

"Kell was the most powerful of us. How could he be overpowered?"

"That is the–"

"Elric. What is it? Sit down." The folds of Alwyn's cape shifted as he moved. Galen struggled to catch a glimpse of Elric. He saw the flash of a chair, nothing more. "You aren't well," Alwyn said.

"You have not destroyed your place of power." Elric's words sounded as if they were forced through clenched teeth.

Galen grabbed the edge of the cot where he sat, staring anxiously at the tiny room strewn with Fed's possessions. Fear held him still. Elric was in pain. His condition was worsening. And they had no idea how serious it would become.

"Is that what this is?" Alwyn said. After a few moments, he continued, his tone subdued. "No. I won't abandon it. I had hoped the mages would change their minds and stay. But if I must, I'll stay alone. You could stay with me."

"I have made my decision." Elric's voice sounded stronger, the only remaining hint of pain a slight brittleness in his words. "I am no longer what I was. Over half of us are now so afflicted, including the oldest and most powerful."

If Elizar had not betrayed them, perhaps the Circle would not have decided to flee. Elric would not have had to destroy his place of power.

"Even weakened, we can still put up a fight. If we're to die, why not die fighting?"

"That would be my preference," Elric said. "But my personal wishes are irrelevant. It is my responsibility to hold the mages together, and that means following the will of the Circle."