Summoning Light (41 page)

Alwyn had left her to go to Thenothk, to save Galen and Blaylock. Whether he could have saved her if he'd stayed on Babylon 5, Galen did not know. But the loss would crush him.

It was, as Carvin had said, one death after another. The mages were doomed. Could they not see it?

The crowd around Elric began to disperse and return to their tasks. Among them Galen saw Herazade, Circe, Optima, Kane. They looked shaken. Many had not returned from Babylon 5, including Ing-Radi. They had lost another member of the Circle, and their greatest healer.

Optima found Fed, and he burst into animated talk, slipping an arm around her waist as they walked across the plateau.

Left to themselves, Blaylock and Elric spoke. Elric glanced toward Galen, listened to Blaylock, glanced again. Galen stood frozen in place. Was there any way he and Elric could return to the relationship they'd once had? How could Elric possibly justify all the lies he had told? And how could Galen possibly justify all those he had killed?

G'Leel approached him from the bunker. She wore a long black cloak she'd apparently borrowed from Alwyn. Each shoulder moved forward in turn. The gold of her skin seemed slightly pale, the white scar across her nose standing out, bright. Alwyn had brought her to the gathering place despite the directives of the Circle. He had said she was too ill to be abandoned, and she'd been resting since they'd arrived. She looked well now, though Galen knew much recuperation was necessary after a healing.

G'Leel stopped several feet away. She looked in his direction, not meeting his eyes, then looked away across the plateau. "What's going on?" she asked. She was still afraid of him, he realized.

"The group from Babylon 5 has returned."

"Is that Alwyn? What happened to him?"

"His former student. Carvin. She was with the group. She died. Many others did as well."

"I'm sorry," she said.

The numbers who had died were nothing compared to the numbers he had killed.

G'Leel took a step closer. "How's your leg?"

"Fine." He supposed it was almost healed. He barely noticed the pain anymore.

She took another step. "Got rid of the hair, I see." When he didn't respond, she shook her head slightly, as if impatient with herself. Then her red eyes at last met his. "I need to know what happened in the tunnels after I was shot. Alwyn doesn't know anything. I remember going into that white room after you. I saw those two you asked me about – Elizar and the Centauri."

Galen didn't want to go over it again, to think of all he had done. "You were shot by a Drazi in league with the Shadows. I killed her. I killed the Centauri. We escaped."

A smile flashed over her face. "Did anyone ever tell you you're a great storyteller?"

"If you want stories," Galen said, "ask any other mage here." He was being drawn again into anger. He must stop it. Across the plateau, Elric nodded at something Blaylock said, and again his gaze returned to Galen.

"Thank you for saving me," G'Leel said.

He had been concerned only with killing, not saving. "I did nothing. It was Blaylock and Alwyn who healed you."

"The one who killed Isabelle – he got away?"

Galen wasn't sure whether Elizar was alive or dead. But he would not claim Elizar's death until he was certain. He gave a single nod.

"Are you going to go back there? I need to get to that warehouse you told me about and stop them from shipping any more weapons to the Centauri."

"I destroyed the warehouse."

G'Leel hesitated. "Are you serious? When did you do that?"

"As we were leaving, I destroyed the City Center, the warehouse, the spaceport – a whole section of the city. I killed – whoever was there." How could he live with what he'd done?

Elric and Blaylock parted. Blaylock went to Alwyn. Elric came toward them. He looked even older and weaker than before. He held himself stiffly upright, trying to appear as he always had. Yet the erect posture and long, even strides were clearly a growing effort for him. Each movement seemed brittle, forced.

Galen had wanted to keep Elric safe, had offered to abandon his task if Elric abandoned his own. If only they both had. If only they'd fled to the hiding place. Everything would not have changed. Elric had warned him.
Someday, perhaps, you will not think of me so kindly. I hope, if that day comes, you will try to understand why I have done what I have done.

But Galen did not understand.

"I must speak with Elric privately," he said.

"Thank you for destroying the warehouse," G'Leel said. "I know you had more to think about than the good of the Narns. But maybe now the Centauri won't attack my people."

He hadn't done it for her, though, or for good. He had done it because he'd wanted to destroy, and the warehouse had been there.

Across the plateau, Alwyn climbed to his feet, dismissing some comment of Blaylock's with a sharp wave of his hand and yelling a retort in Blaylock's face. To Galen's surprise, G'Leel went toward them.

Then Elric stood before him. As much as Galen wanted to distance himself from Elric, to think of Elric as some horrible lying stranger, standing before him was the same man he had known all these years, his figure severe in the high-collared black robe that she had made for him. His thin lips were pressed together, grim. The three frown lines between his brows, though deeper than before, still indicated grave disappointment. Blaylock would have told him all Galen had done.

And yet somehow the expression was different, as if Elric were disappointed not with Galen, but with himself. Galen knew he would blame himself for the deaths of Carvin, Ing-Radi, and the others, even if he could have done nothing to prevent them. He had always taught Galen to take responsibility for his mistakes and failures, and on the rare occasions when Elric had failed or miscalculated, Galen had seen him do the same.

But what about taking responsibility for his lies? What about telling the truth? Galen's distant anger drew nearer.

They stood in silence, the wind whipping past them. Galen found himself unable to speak. How could Elric have kept this secret? How could Elric have lied to him, about the one thing that changed everything?

"I'm sorry I did not tell you," Elric said. "You should have heard the truth from me. And you should have heard it long ago."

Galen knew the Circle had sworn him to secrecy, but Elric would not use that as an excuse. That just made Galen angrier. A thousand bitter responses came to mind, but Galen uttered none of them, willing the wind to carry them away.

"I learned that truth when I was elected to the Circle nine years ago. It made me question many things. But ultimately I knew that I believed in the mages. I believed in our ability to create beauty and wonder, to gain knowledge, to do good. The origin of the tech did not change that."

Did they think they would never have to pay for what they took? Did they think themselves immune to the designs of the Shadows? How could they be, when they didn't have the least understanding of the tech?

Galen tried to still his mind, to think nothing, to feel nothing.

"The truth did, however, reveal the fragile base on which our order is built. And it explained many things. I realized that control and obedience to the Circle and the Code were even more important than I had known. I tried to teach you those things. But they were no substitute for the truth.

"If I had learned the truth before taking an apprentice, I don't believe I would ever have taken one. I was uncomfortable with the idea of training a student while withholding this secret. But I had already instructed you for two years. I had come to believe that you would be an exceptional mage."

Elric took a breath, straightened. "As my first act within the Circle, I argued that the source of the tech should be revealed. They refused. They believed the arrangement had worked successfully for a thousand years, and it might work for a thousand more. I submitted the proposal repeatedly, but was always defeated. In time I grew used to the secret. None of us ever thought the Shadows would return in our lifetimes.

"Now that the Shadows have returned, our time must be at an end. If the wisdom or folly of our existence is ever judged, it will be judged by the way we die. We must hold to the Circle and the Code, those elements that have allowed us to resist the purpose of the Shadows. We must not allow chaos to divide us."

Elric hesitated, as if expecting Galen to respond. An awkward silence fell between them. Galen willed himself to reveal nothing.

"I know it is difficult," Elric said. "I know that you would like to strike against the Shadows, and against Elizar and Razeel if they still live, but you must come with us to the hiding place. We must remain united."

So that was their concern. They wanted him with them. They wanted their weapon.

Again Elric hesitated. "We are not the dream of beauty and magic we have pretended to be. But still. We have accomplished much of value." Elric's voice had lost its resonance. He cleared his throat. "Please speak, Galen."

It felt as if the blockage in Elric's throat had suddenly transferred itself to Galen's. His anger caught there, and he found at last he must speak. "You told me that you would never lie to me," he said, and then the words were rushing out of him in a torrent. "You told me we stand for good, when instead we generate destruction. You told me we can spread light, but we are instruments of the Shadows. You told me you would make me a mage. And instead you have made me a monster.

"You have done nothing but lie to me. Only Elizar would tell me the truth. I feel nothing but disgust for the Circle, and pity for the mages."

Galen bit out the words. "But you need not fear. I will go with you. I have no choice. I am not fit to stay. Out here, I would destroy everything, happily. And there are too many innocents. If I go, at least I can destroy only mages."

He was trembling. He forced his lips closed, forced the flow of words to stop. The energy was stirring, quickening. He couldn't let it take hold. He squeezed his hands into fists, his nails digging into the raw skin of his palms.

Elric's mouth had fallen open as Galen spoke, and it hung now in a grimace. The lines between his eyebrows had vanished, leaving a horrible vulnerability. He stared at Galen for a long time, until Galen wanted to look away. But he did not. He had spoken the truth; let Elric live with it.

At last Elric gave a single nod. Then he walked stiffly away.

Galen forced his fists to open, his breathing to slow. He had said what he must say. Now let it be over. Elric was not his teacher. Elric was not his father. Elric was nothing to him. The Circle was nothing to him. The mages were nothing to him. He could retreat to that place deep inside himself, and no one could pull him back.

Galen realized Alwyn had been yelling for some time. His words carried on the wind. "You're all cowards! Hypocrites! She died for nothing!"

Blaylock was backing away, his hands raised in acquiescence. G'Leel stood between them. Some of the other mages had stopped their work to look on.

"We can fight them!" Alwyn yelled. "Galen proved it!"

Blaylock turned and started toward the bunker. With a fierce glance at a few mages loitering nearby, he drove them back into motion.

As Alwyn started after Blaylock, G'Leel grabbed him.

Alwyn's head transformed into the head of a golden dragon, with fierce red eyes and long, needle-sharp teeth. He let out a furious screech. G'Leel jumped back.

The illusion vanished, and Alwyn yelled out to the mages. "You're all going to die anyway! Our time is over! In three years you'll know the truth!"

Blaylock stopped, faced Alwyn. Though his arms remained at his sides, the threat was clear. Alwyn must stop talking, now. The air around Blaylock seemed to boil.

Alwyn returned Blaylock's hard stare, his jaw tight.

Standing at Alwyn's side, G'Leel spoke to him. After a time Alwyn nodded once, then a few seconds later, again. Finally he looked from Blaylock to her. Then he turned, and they walked away.

Blaylock resumed his journey to the bunker as if nothing had happened.

Galen realized with displeasure that Alwyn and G'Leel were coming toward him. He needed to regain his stillness, to send his anger away on the wind. He began visualizing the letters of the alphabet in his mind, one after the next. The cold was beginning to build inside of him. It was the chill of a fever, of heat held within.

"You'll stay with us, right, Galen?" Alwyn said. The bags beneath his eyes were wet with tears, his face clenched in anger. "After what the Shadows did – After all they've killed–" Alwyn jerked his head to one side. "Those cowards would turn tail and run. They don't care about anyone but themselves. They let her die, can you believe it? They just let her die."

He said it as if it were the first time such a thing had happened.

Alwyn clutched G'Leel's hand, raised it. "G'Leel is going to fight with us. You know the truth now. It's our responsibility to stop the Shadows. Or else we are no more than their cowardly allies. We can strike cleverly, swiftly, in and out before they know it. They'll never catch us."

Galen crossed his arms. "I cannot stay with you."

"There are a whole series of bases along the rim. With your power, we can wipe them out, one by one. And when the Shadows are weak enough, we can strike at their home, Z'ha'dum, and annihilate the whole–" Alwyn shook his head. "What?"

"I shall leave with the others."

Alwyn stared at him. "What is this, some kind of misplaced loyalty? You're just going to leave and let the Shadows get on about their business? What about Elizar? If he still lives, you simply wish him a happy life and fond farewell? I thought you cared about Isabelle. And about Carvin and all the rest. How can you let their deaths go unavenged? How can you go off and hide while the galaxy burns?"

"How is irrelevant. I will go."

Alwyn seized him by the shoulders and shook him. "Wake up, you damned zombie! Wake up!" Tears ran down Alwyn's face. "You're a coward, you know that? The worst of them all. You would run away when you're the one person with the power to end all this. The power to destroy the Shadows."