Surviving the Pain (A Baby Saved Me Series Book 1) (9 page)

“Damn, you are so beautiful. I miss you so much.”

Pulling back, Ember thought it best to ignore him. However, her son had no problem making things awkward.

“Grey, why don’t you stay the night anymore?”

Ember could feel her cheeks burning as she turned to busy herself. Holden did nothing to hide the fact that he was laughing at Hudson’s bluntness. Grey coughed a few times before she watched him kneel down in front of him.

“Buddy, I’d love nothing more than to be at your house,” he looked up at me as he said, “…forever.” Then he turned his attention back to her son. “But see, only people in love with each other stay over at each other’s house and your mom and I realized that we don’t love each other enough to do that. Do you understand?”

“Nope!” Everyone started laughing. Hudson’s face fell. “I want my daddy, though. Or can you be my daddy?” He asked Grey.

Tears burned her eyes. She mumbled something about needing something from her car and walked off. The whole journey to the car, she struggled with her breathing. Tears fell silently and fast down her cheeks. Nothing was easy anymore. Hell, nothing had been easy for a very long time. Yet here she was, trying to do the right thing by not making a decision for her son that wasn’t hers to make and it was killing her every moment.

“Ember? Are you okay?”

Turning, she found Aspen standing not far from her car where she’d slide down the side to the ground. The only thing she could manage between her sobs was the shake of her head. Her hand lay clasped around her throat, desperately trying to breathe. Ember wasn’t sure if this was a panic attack or if the pain in what his one simple sentence caused was suffocating her.

“Look at me Emmy,” Aspen’s rough rumble filled her ears.

Lifting her eyes to his, her blue eyes met his ice blue eyes. His eyes were the first things that Ember ever noticed about him. The color was so light that it almost looked like they were white with a light blue tint. They really stood out against his auburn mop of hair that sat on top of his head, with strands falling over his eyes sometimes.

Ember thought that Aspen cared about only one person, and he lost her when they were younger. His sister. Isa also lost a sibling when she was younger too. It was her twin brother. Because of this common thread, the two of them are closer to each other than the rest of them. They all understood too. No one could possibly understand a pain like that than a person who has gone through it. Without a doubt, it was likely a pain that never fully eased or went away.

“Good girl. Now, focus on my voice. Every three words I say, I want you to take a deep breath. Hold it for two words then let it out for three words. Can you do that for me?”

Somehow, Ember managed to nod her head. He smiled slowly before nodding his own head.

“So I took,” he paused to make sure she was following his instructions. When he saw that she was, he continued. “… this girl home last week. I let her know at the bar, you know the one that I’m a bouncer at part time? I told her that I’m not a relationship kind of guy and that if that’s what she was looking for, she was barking up the wrong tree. The damn girl told me she was looking for a release and nothing more. This chick shows up last night ranting about me flirting with a girl when I was with her. I about came unglued. E had to take charge because she was going completely postal. Even accused me of sleeping with you.” Aspen laughed. “Can you believe that? Sleeping with my sister,” he shook his head and laughed.

“Was that long ass, crazy story for my benefit only,” Ember asked as she laughed.

“Well, it is one way I can get you to listen to the stories of the crazy chicks I deal with on a daily basis.” His eyes twinkle with amusement and relief. “How are you?”

“I’m okay thank you.” Not interested in talking about it further, Ember stood from the ground. “Let’s get our kid on,” she grinned playfully.

Aspen stood with her. “Our kid on, huh? In that case, I’ll beat you there.” When Ember turned to start running, he grabbed her arm. “Wait.” He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “I’m glad you’re feeling better, but I’m here if you need me.” He smiled. “Go!” That was all the warning that Ember got before Aspen was off running.

“Uncle Pen!” Ember heard her son yell excitedly.

“You gotta wait buddy. I’m trying to beat your mama.”

“He cheated Hudson,” she fake whined behind Aspen.

Stopping dead in his tracks, he turns around and before she could stop, she collided into him, knocking him to the ground and falling with him in the process. Hudson’s laughter made them both smile. They both struggled to stand.

“I did not cheat. Just because you were too slow at the start gate means that you are just a sore loser, not making me a cheater.”

“You kissed me and talked to me before you took off running,” she countered.

“You kissed her?” Grey’s voice boomed loudly.

Before any of them knew what was happening, Grey punched Aspen, knocking him back a few steps. Hudson started crying and Ember wedged herself between the two battling men.

“You knock it off right now,” she yelled, shoving him. “Isa, will you watch Hudson a moment? I need to have a word with Grey.” Her voice was so deadly calm that Grey swallowed hard with nerves.

“Sure, we’ll go play on the jungle gyms.”

“Yay!” Hudson cheered and took off.

Ember didn’t even utter a word. She just walked off toward the car. Far enough away from the guys overhearing and more importantly Hudson, who has already begun to wonder about his daddy or lack thereof.

Once she reached her car, she spun on Grey hitting him upside the head. “What the hell is wrong with you? You just punched one of your best friends.”

“Because he kissed my woman,” he growled.

“I’m not your woman!”

“Why not?” He almost screamed in her face.

“I explained this to you when we parted ways, Grey.”

He sighed, running a hand through is short hair. “Sage isn’t coming back, Ember. I could make you so happy. I promise.”

“This isn’t about Sage. I mean it kind of is, but not completely. This is about me. This is about my son. More importantly, this is about the feelings that I
don’t
have for you. I’m not yours, Grey. I haven’t been for a very long time. And I’m not sure I ever really was even the six months we were together. I was trying to be, don’t get me wrong, but I just couldn’t.”

“Just because you don’t love me doesn’t mean I can just shut mine off. In my eyes, deep in my heart, you’re mine.”

Reaching up, Ember tenderly touched his cheek. The minute their eyes met, he dropped his head. Sighing, she pushed forward with what she had to say to him, hopefully, to get him to understand.

“I’m not who you were meant to be with, Grey. If I were, then I’d love you just the same back. I love you but as a friend. Sage, he stole my heart when I was only thirteen years old. When he left, he took it with him. Don’t hang yourself up on me, when the girl of your dreams is out there waiting for you to notice her.”

Grey looked up just then, and his saddened face turned into a glare. Just as Ember was about to turn around to see what he was looking at, Grey grabbed her spun her back to him and kissed her. His tongue pushed into her mouth, and his soft moan filled her ears as Grey pushed her back against her car, pinning her between his mouth and her car. Quickly, she brought her knee up and nailed him in his junk. Jerking back he looked at Ember.

“What the hell?”

“I told you before!” she screamed. “We are
just
friends. Did you not listen to a word I just said?”

“I, uh, I’m sorry. I just wanted one last kiss to remember. You know the last day that we were together, I didn’t realize it would be our last. Here I thought my world was finally falling into place, and as I held you in my arms, completely sated, I thought it’d be like that forever. Was it just a goodbye fling? Give him a prize for waiting for six months?”

Ember moved away from him before she did something stupid, like punch him. “How dare you?”

“I’m sorry Ems. I…”

“Don’t call me Ems,” she snapped quickly. “That’s Sage’s name for me.
His
name for
me
. Do you hear me? Call me ‘Emmy’, ‘Ember’, you can even call me a slut, but don’t use that name with me.” Even Ember couldn’t miss the desperate plea in her own voice.

“I’m sorry. I completely forgot that… Oh God! When I first told you I loved you… I called you ‘Ems’. That’s why you cried, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. Please understand Grey. The way you think you feel about me is the way I
know
I feel about Sage. I’m not trying to toy with you. I’m trying to save you from the pain that I’m in and save the woman you’re meant to be with from it, too.”

He nodded his head for a while, not looking directly at her. “Yeah, I understand. We
are
friends. I’m sorry for losing my temper.”

“Don’t apologize to me. Aspen is the one that deserves that one.”

He laughed. “Yeah, but I’m sure a punch is about to be placed neatly on my face,” he laughed harder.

Shaking her head with a smirk, Ember turned and started back over to her son to enjoy the rest of the time everyone will be here.

One year and six months later…

Hudson was five years old. When did that happen? Honestly, Ember asked herself that question consistently over the past few birthdays. He was an incredible young man, just like his daddy was. After that day in the park, his asking about his father was almost a constant. When he was four years old, Ember pulled out all the pictures that she had of Sage and showed them to him. He’d asked if he was dead, which was a question she hadn’t seen coming, Ember had to tell him a little of what happened. Ever since then, it’s become his nightly routine to hear about his father, the man he prayed every night would come back to his life to love them both as they loved him.

It’s funny how a child could see the undying love an adult had for someone else, but many times adults couldn’t see that. Hell, there were times that even Ember herself didn’t see it. Or maybe it was the simple fact that it hurt less if she didn’t? She didn’t know, but regardless, Sage held her heart, and he’s not been back since their chance encounter. How could he have said he loved her, but then never show his face again? It didn’t make sense.

Today was two weeks from his birthday. They were on their way to the store with Gran and Gramps to help pick out the theme for his party. Ember’s parents took Hudson to look at the dinosaurs and ninja themes while she just wondered around lost in her thoughts. Just as she was rounding a corner, she ran face to chest into a guy. By the way, her body reacted, she was almost afraid to breathe.

“I don’t know how you do it, but every time I see you, you look even more beautiful than before,” came his deep, tender, husky voice as he ran his hands down her arms.

“Sage,” she breathed as her eyes met his.

“Where’s your man,” he tried to act nonchalantly, but it didn’t work.

“I’m – I’m not with anyone,” Ember replied confused.

“You’re not with Grey?”

“No,” she answered insulted. For whatever reason, it bothered her to think that he thought she could move on so easily. “We’re just friends.”

“Listen, Ems. I really need to talk to you. I know I don’t deserve your time…”

“No, I want to talk. At first, it hurt too bad to even see you, but I think for me to fully move on, this is what I need to do.”

“Really? Are you busy right now? We could go grab something to eat and talk.”

“Well, uh…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! Nothing’s wrong. Meet me outside. I need to let my friends know I’m bailing.”

“Oh, okay. Okay…” He sounded almost skeptical, but still turned and walked out of the door.

Immediately, she pulled out her phone and dialed her mom. When her mom answered, she failed to keep the sob in.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just… I just… I just ran into Sage.”

“Oh dear!” Kimberley exclaimed.

“Listen, he wants to talk. Do you mind if I go to lunch, hear him out? Will you be okay with Hudson?”

“Of course. This is a long overdue talk. Does he know about Hudson?”

Swallowing hard, Ember forced her words past the ball of fear in her throat. “No, I’m not sure I will tell him that yet.”

“Honey,” Kimberley tsked her through the phone. “He’s his father. He has a right to know.”

“I’m not getting into this right now. I’ll call you when I’m done. Love you.”

She hung up the phone and hurried out to the front of the store where she found Sage sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. Slowly, Ember walked up, studying him as she did so.

“Sage,” she whispered.

His head snapped up, and his relief filled eyes met hers. “I thought you weren’t going to come back out. I’m glad you did.”

“Um, where would you like to go to eat and talk? Do you want to just share a sub and go to the park so we don’t have prying eyes? Or, um, we can go back to my house, and I can make us something?”

Sage watched her intently for a while. A small smile formed on his kissable lips. “I can see how nervous you are about taking me to your home, but I do like the idea of a sub and the park if that’s okay with you.”

Nodding her agreement, they headed out in her car to the nearest
Subway
. The whole drive there, Ember thought she was going to faint. The same familiar scent filled her car and her senses. God, how she loved that smell. Even all these years later, it was still a comforting scent for her. Yes, it brought back so much pain sometimes, it still grounded her.

Once they had their sub ordered, she drove them to one of the less crowded parks and sat off away from all the playgrounds near a little pond. Ember busied herself with laying out a blanket that she pulled from her trunk. This whole time she was freaking out over if he noticed the car seat in the backseat. Or if he saw the toys all over the car? If he had, he’s not said anything yet.

“Ems?”

She stopped fussing with one of the frayed ends of the blanket and nervously met his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay,” he asked in such a tender voice that it caused tears to build in Ember’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, but the last time I saw you – not the one before this, but the start of my heartbreak – you killed a big piece of me. I’m not scared… I’m terrified.”

“When I last saw you,” he sighed. “… a big piece of me died too. Everything I said to you that day wasn’t real. None of it. It broke me even more as I remembered your face, your looks, your tears. It wasn’t true, though, Ems. Nothing that day was. I love you. I have from the moment I saw you. We planned our futures together. I was looking forward to making each of them come true.”

Setting her sub aside, she wrung her hands in her lap. “Why did you say it then? You killed me that day. After all the effort that my dad had gone through to find you for me, then the drive… It wasn’t just me you hurt that day.”

“I was mixed in with some bad people. Real bad people. See I’d went to apply for a position and somehow was pulled into this gang, and they looked for weaknesses in their members. They’d use those to get the person to toe the line appropriately. I didn’t want to risk you getting hurt. You were there, in that hell, and it was all I could do to save you.”

The sadness in his voice hit home with her. He truly was upset with how things had happened that day. But that left her with another question.

“Why couldn’t you have just moved in with me? Mom and Dad would have let you. You know they would have.”

He, too, sets his untouched sub aside and moves closer, grabbing Ember’s hands. Sage’s eyes bore into her own both heating her body and sending another bout of worry through it. There was no doubt that in the past five years, her feelings for him have not changed.

“I couldn’t. You know my parents. They hated me. They always have. When I was living there, I was an income. Yes, you heard me right, an income. When I left, they lost that. But I couldn’t handle their abuse any longer. If I’d stayed in town, we would never have had peace to just enjoy being us and being together.”

She chuckled, solemnly. “I haven’t had peace since you left. Your parents have been a cause of that.”

“What?” He both gasped and shouted.

“It’s nothing.” She brushed it off and tried to get back on track. Ember decided now would be the time to hit him with the question that sat at the forefront of her mind, all the time. “If you did love me, then why wait five years to come try to make amends? Why wait
years
after running into me to approach me again?”

“Can I ask you something?” After she had nodded her head, he continued. “Do I have a chance of making you fall in love with me again and deserve your love? Or has everything been lost by mistakes?”

Looking down, she twisted her fingers in her lap. She watched her fingers turn dark pink when she squeezed them tightly together. For the past year and six months, she’s thought about this over and over again. Even though she knew she could be making the biggest mistake of her life, she knew it would also be the same if she’d done the opposite.

Keeping her head down, she spoke softly. “You have always had my love, always deserved it. You are my one and only. There was never anyone else for me.”

He placed his fingers under her chin and tilted her head up to meet his gaze. “Do you really mean that?”

“Yes,” she breathed.

Before she could get another word out of her mouth, Sage leaned in and slowly and tenderly began to seduce her mouth with his. For just a single moment she wanted to forget, but then an image of her son popped into her mind, and she found herself pulling away from him.

“Wait. I have more to say, please.”

His breathing was a bit harsher than normal, but all things considered, she could relate. “Okay.”

“You have my love and always have,
but
I have to be able to trust you again. You broke your trust with me. I mean, I’m twenty, Sage, twenty. I’m not the fifteen-year-old girl you left behind. And you’re not the eighteen-year-old boy. We need to talk and become friends again.”

The discussion continued for a while. It was emotionally draining. Ember had not cried so much since he left. She’d also never seen him cry the way he was. She was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t even realized what she’d done before it was too late. Sage assumed he was here to make amends with her parents, by what he said as he climbed from the car. Honestly, he was there by accident.

Shit! What am I supposed to do here? I promised myself and Hudson that I’d tell him when I saw him, but what if…
, she started to think before a loud scream broke her from her thoughts.

“Daddy!” Hudson screamed and ran to Sage hugging him.

Sage looked up at me then with questions in his eyes. It was at that moment that she realized Hudson had just made the right decision for her. She needed to tell him. He needed to know. Ember just wasn’t sure
now
was the right time. Taking a deep breath, she met his gaze.

“Sage, meet your son Hudson. He’ll be five the day before your birthday.”

His eyes had narrowed at her accusatory before he lowered down to one knee, about eye level with his son.

“You know about me?”

“Yes,” he nodded his head enthusiastically. “Mommy and I look at your pictures and talk about you all the time before bed. Sometimes she cries because she misses you. Sometimes I do because I never got to meet you. Now I have.” Hudson grinned big.

Ember’s parents walked up then. Ember’s eyes wouldn’t leave Sage’s face. His eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, and his smile wobbled as he listened to his son ramble on and on. This time, as Hudson flung his arms around his father, Sage wrapped him in his arms and buried his face in the curve of his son’s neck. His body shook as the tears Ember knew were falling fell from his eyes.

Turning away she leaned on her parents for the support and strength she needed. Not a single person in the room was dry-eyed. Ember was scared to look too much into this moment, but her damn heart – that never listened to her to begin with – hoped that this was the start of having the life she’d thought she lost so many years ago back.

“Daddy, you’re coming to our house right?”

Quickly, Ember whirled around on a gasp. Sage’s head popped up and looked at her. The pleading in his eyes got to her. They now had each other. She couldn’t keep them from each other now. Not that she wanted to, but she just wasn’t sure where things were right now.

“Do you want Daddy to come for supper?”

Everett whispered in Ember’s ear how proud he was of her. She just barely heard it over Hudson’s hoots of excitement when Sage said he’d come over. Though butterflies built in her stomach for what would happen, she was glad that they both accepted each other. Well, at least it looked like it so far. Giving her parents a strong hug and a promise to call, they head out to her car.

“Come on little man. Let’s get in your seat,” she said as excitedly as she could manage.

“Do you mind if I do it,” Sage’s small unsure voice said from behind her.

Turning, she forced a smile and shrugged. “If you want to, it’s just making sure he’s buckled in properly. It’s not a huge deal…” she started to say, but Sage had already eagerly walked away and put her son in the backseat. It took a lot out of Ember to not walk up there and throw him out of the way so
she
could take care of
her
son. It was then, too, that the thought that he’s his son too hit her like a ton of bricks. Sage was back in her life. Right now, she’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.