Survivor's Remorse: Brothers of Ink and Steel (10 page)

“How did your mom die?”

“Bee sting, believe it or not. She was allergic. She was out working in her flowers. Bee got her. Even though Dad got her the EpiPen, it wasn’t enough.”

Leo sat in shock. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Nothing to say. I was at the bar when it happened, getting ready to open. I was too young to work the bar, but I could waitress. Dad was just getting ready to leave when Mom came in and told him what had happened. He gave her the pen, and called 911, but he was giving her CPR when the ambulance arrived. There was nothing they could do – nothing anyone could do. For a long time I wondered if it might have been different had I been there. But eventually I came to realized it wouldn’t have mattered. ”

“My god, Jamie. I’m so sorry.”

Jamie smiled at him and patted him on the arm. “That was almost eight years ago. It’s okay. You learn to let go and accept what is.”

“Easier said than done, sometimes.”

“True. But it
can
be done.”

***

Jamie and Leo sat and talked quietly about whatever subject came up. She watched as Leo slowly relaxed, settling into her couch, his head back and eyes closed as they talked. She had made several gestures of encouragement… touching him, caressing his arm, holding his hand as he spoke of growing up in Montana and joining the Army, wanting him to take her to bed. But he didn’t seem to notice, the darkness once again clouding his eyes.

Finally he stopped talking, his breathing becoming slow and regular.
Poor Leo. So alone, even in a crowd of people,
she thought. She thought about waking him, but decided to let him sleep. He had told her of his problems sleeping, and if he could get a good night sleep here on her couch, then she would be glad for him to have it.

She gently rose from the couch and looked at his face. Such a handsome face, especially now, when he was at peace. She walked into her bedroom and returned with a light blanket that she carefully draped over his shoulders.

She kissed him softly on the lips as she touched his face. “Sleep well Leo,” she whispered. “May your dreams be pleasant.”

***

Jamie opened her eyes, unsure of what had awakened her. She looked at her bedside clock, its glowing number telling her it was almost four in the morning. She had been in bed just over two hours. She listened to the silence of the early morning, then she heard it again – a voice from the front of the house. She lay perfectly still, unsure she of what she was hearing until the voice came again, almost below the threshold of hearing.

She crawled out of bed and put on her robe. Maybe Leo had turned on the television. She hoped so because she could think of something a lot more entertaining to do this morning than to watch television, but the room was dark.

Leo spoke again but she couldn’t make out what he was saying, his words muddied and blurred in his sleep. She listened carefully until she could make out that he was talking to someone named Miller, and someone else named Hitch or Hitchens. She debated waking him, but didn’t. His dream seemed peaceful. As she watched, he moaned softly, in pain or pleasure.

“No!” he shouted, the word bright and clear in the silence, making her start. “No, no, no…” he murmured as his voice trailed away before he moaned again, twisting slowly under the blanket. “I tried,” he wept. “I tried… I’m so sorry. Please forgive me,” he said before his voice, once again, trailed away into whispers that she couldn’t understand. But he still twisted and moved under the blanket, panting and gasping.

“Leo!” Jamie whispered as she sat down beside him. “Leo, wake up! You’re having a nightmare.” She could just make out his face in the glow from the streetlight. It was twisted into the most profound agony imaginable. “Leo!” she hissed a bit louder as she touched his face and felt the wetness of his sweat, and perhaps tears.

His shriek at her touch as he lunged up and away from her made her cry out. He turned to look at her, his eyes wide and unfocused as he panted.

“Leo! Are you okay? You were having a nightmare,” she gasped as she tried to slow her own thudding heart.

She watched as he swam up out of the nightmare, his eyes finally focusing on her. His face twisted, and he reached for her, pulling her into an embrace so tight she feared her ribs would crack. As her arms went around him, he began to shudder and jerk and she heard him gasp as he was racked with sobs. 

“Shhh…” she purred as she rocked him, her hand on the back of his head, holding him to her shoulder. “It will be okay, Leo. It will be okay,” she murmured as her own tears began to fall.
So much pain...

***

Jamie started awake when Leo stirred, his head still in her lap. The sun was bright in the sky and she could just make out that the clock on the microwave had only three numbers glowing, so it was sometime before ten in the morning. Leo stirred again and then sat up, blinking rapidly, a confused look on his face.

“Good morning,” Jamie said brightly. She smiled as she watched him flush in embarrassment.

“Jamie! I’m so sorry about—”

“Hush now. Nothing to be sorry about. If I had minded you spending the night, I would have kicked your ass out.”

“But—”

“Shhh. Everything is okay. I was glad to be here for you.”

Leo looked at her a moment. “Thank you. I’m sorry I woke you up. And I’m sorry that you had to see that. I…”

“Leo… what happened to you? It’s obvious it was no accident.” She paused, but then continued. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, but I would like to know.”

Leo looked into Jamie’s eyes for a moment, then decided it was the least he could do. She deserved to know after last night. “I was Sergeant for Second Platoon, Charlie… never mind that… it isn’t important. Anyway, we were on a convoy escort duty and ran into an ambush.” He paused, but she waited, letting him go at his own pace. “It was bad. Real bad. We were pinned down, in the middle of nowhere, with no one to help us.”

When he didn’t seem to want to continue, she spoke. “You were injured?”

“Yeah.”

“Miller and Hitch?”

“Miller was a corporal, and maybe my best friend. First Sergeant Hitchens was the Platoon Sergeant. They were both KIA… killed in action.”

“But you survived, obviously.”

“Yeah. I was lucky. The cavalry arrived just in time.”

Again, Jamie could tell there was more to the story than Leo was telling. While that may have been traumatic, it didn’t explain everything. No… there was definitely more to the story than he was telling, but she didn’t want to press too hard. He had started to open up to her and she could be patient.

“It’s too damn early in the morning to drink a toast to the cavalry, but I’m glad they arrived when they did.”

“Yeah,” Leo said, but his tone of voice told Jamie he didn’t mean it.

“Get up. I’m going to shower while you are going to fix us lunch. Then you are going to take me for a ride on the back of your bike.”

“I am?” Leo asked with a lopsided grin.

“Yes. You are. You’re the boss… you’re allowed to play hookie. Then after that, you are coming back here and I’m fixing you that dinner I promised and you agreed to.”

“What about you. Don’t you have to work tonight?”

“I’m the boss. I’m allowed to play hookie,” she said with a grin, but then she turned serious. “If you want to, of course.”

“I’ll have to put gas in the bike,” he deadpanned, then smiled.

“Well, in that case, forget it,” she grinned back then stood. “Everything for sandwiches is in the fridge. Make mine a thick one. I didn’t realize it until just now, but I missed dinner.”

“Me, too. And breakfast. No wonder I’m starving,” Leo said as he stood.

She grinned at Leo then started to turn away to shower when he took her hand and pulled her gently back to him. He held her hand for a moment before he released it and tipped her chin up so he could taste her lips. The kiss was slow, soft and gentle, and she felt herself all but go weak in the knees.

As he pulled back he looked into her eyes. “Thank you again… for caring… and for being there.”

She smiled at him and touched the side of his face before rising to her tip-toes to kiss him fleetingly on the lips. As she lowered herself she said nothing, but smiled at him again before turning away, pulling her hand away in a slow caress. As she swished back to her bedroom to bathe, she hoped he would follow. But if he didn’t, there was no way in hell he was getting out of here tonight without making love to her.

CHAPTER TEN

“Where are we going?” Jamie yelled as Leo’s bike carved along the back road.

“Wherever the road takes us!”

She leaned in a little tighter, placing her chin on his shoulder. He hadn’t followed her to her shower, and she hadn’t joined him in his when they stopped at his house so he could bathe and change into clean clothes… even though he had pseudo-invited her by expressing regret she had already bathed.

But that was okay. The anticipation was a delicious pleasure she had been enjoying for the past two hours. As the big Harley V-Twin passed a pleasant tingle through her, she snuggled in closer still. She found it humorous that she had known Leo for nearly three years, and only in the last couple of months had she noticed him. Before he was just a good-looking guy who happened to be her favorite customer, but now she was hoping he would become more. As they prepared for the day, they had both checked in and made their excuses for missing work. This was their time and she was enjoying the hell out of it.

Leo felt Jamie squirm in a bit closer as her arms tightened down a little more. He had ridden a lot of women on his bike, but never had he enjoyed having one pressed against his back so much. He had always admired the way Jamie looked—and who wouldn’t—and then later her sharp wit, but the last few days, he had seen another side of her, a gentle, caring side. For reasons he couldn’t easily explain, when he was with her, even just enjoying a beer in her bar, the world didn’t seem so bleak, and the past so dark.

***

“To friends and lovers… may they forever be the same,” Leo said as he held his wine glass to Jamie.

Jamie felt a rush of heat but tamped it down again. Leo had engaged her in a slow seduction all afternoon and evening. And he was good at it, so
very
good at it.

“To friends and lovers,” Jamie murmured and took a sip of her wine.

By the time they had returned home, she was wet with desire and wanted to take him straight to her bed, but he seemed unaffected. She had said she would cook him dinner, but he had insisted on helping. They had stopped at the market on the way home where he had purchased four large salmon filets that he seared while she prepared the vegetables. As they moved about the kitchen, he always seemed to need to reach past her, leaning in close while putting a steadying hand on her as he did, then removed the hand with a slow stroke. In short, he had been driving her mad.

“The salmon is superb,” she said after her first taste.

“Mom knows how to prepare fish. This is her recipe.”

“May I have it?”

“Sure. There’s nothing to it. I’ll write it down for you.”

They made small talk as they ate, and every time Jamie looked at Leo, he was looking at her, his gaze making her feel squirmy for all the right reasons.

After dinner he helped her clean. He had washed and loaded the dishwasher as he cooked, something she normally didn’t do, but she had followed his lead, so it took only a few minutes before the kitchen was ready for morning. The moment the dishwasher began to hiss, filling with water, Leo pulled her into a soft embrace. “Thank you. Thank you for dinner, for letting me stay last night... and for listening.”

“It was my pleasure, Leo.”

He hadn’t kissed her since this morning, but he took her lips now. The kiss was just as slow and soft as this morning, but deeper and with more meaning.

As their lips slowly parted, she looked into his eyes. “Would you like to stay tonight?”

“Yes…”

She smiled.
That’s good. Now I won’t have to tie him up and lock him in my bedroom
. “I’m glad.”

They had reserved their wine glasses and he added a healthy splash to each glass, picked them up, and walked into the living room. She wanted him
so
bad, but he seemed content to wait forever. She followed him to the living room where he handed over her glass before sitting down. She sat down with him and snuggled in close. They sat in companionable silence for a moment before he began to speak softly.

“We were on convoy escort duty… something we had done a hundred times before.”

A chill passed through her when she realized what he was telling her, but she sat silent and unmoving, waiting for him to continue.

“Kirkuk is only about four hours north of Baghdad, along well traveled roads. It should have been a milk run. But our number came up.”

“What happened?” she asked softly when he paused.

“We were a little north of Tuz Khumra when an IED, a bomb, took out the Lieutenant’s Humvee, causing it to block road The lead truck rammed it, trying to push it out of the way, but it was taken out with an RPG, a rocket propelled grenade. They also took out the last Humvee in the convoy, the one with First Sergeant Hitchens in it, to box us in. They were ripping us up with heavy machine gun fire. Those trucks weren’t armored and the drivers never stood a chance. Of the twenty drivers, only three managed to get out of their trucks before they were killed.”

“My God,” Jamie whispered.

“Yeah. Most of the rest of the platoon managed to get out of the transports before they were hit by RPGs, but now we were pinned down with nowhere, and no way, to run. We had called for help as soon as the attack started, but we had to hang on until it arrived. They had us rocked back on our heels and we couldn’t mount an effective defense. The Humvees were armored, and with the Lieutenant and First Sergeant out, I was senior NCO, so I ordered us to charge their lines to try and disrupt their offensive and give us time to set up some kind of coordinated defense. We didn’t make it. They took out three of the Hummers before we could disrupt their attack. Once we lost the ability to maneuver, it was just a matter of time.”

Leo paused and took a sip of his wine. “My Humvee was damaged but it ran long enough to get us most of the way back to the convoy. We bailed out and ran like hell to the other side of the trucks. Only Miller and I made it all the way. We, the platoon, tried to dig in, but they encircled us and had us in a cross fire. Once they had that, they began cut us to pieces.”

Leo paused, and took another sip of his wine. “I should have never ordered that attack. We could have used the Hummers to harry them until the Apaches arrived.”

Jamie was quiet for a time. “How many were killed?”

“Everyone,” he said with near infinite sorrow.

“Everyone?”

“Everyone but me. I should have died, too. I don’t know why, or how, I managed to survive. The screams of the men as they were cut apart… it was fucking awful, but there wasn’t anything I could do. I was pinned down, and there was nothing I could do!”

Jamie could feel the tears in her eyes from Leo’s story and the sadness and pain in his voice.

“Finally it was just Miller and me. We were under a truck, shooting at anything that moved. I thought we were going to make it, but then they sent in another RPG. The shrapnel… it almost cut Steve’s leg off. We were exposed and...” Leo stopped as he struggled to gather himself. “And then he pushed his rifle to me. For the ammo. He told me to find cover, and then he started firing his service pistol. I left him, Jamie! I left him behind!”

“You couldn’t have stayed, Leo,” she said as she wiped at her eyes. “You would have been killed, too.”

“I tried to get to the next truck, to provide covering fire… but…”

“But you were shot. That’s why your lung is damaged.”

“Yes.”

“Then what happened?”

“I managed to drag myself under the truck, got behind the drive wheels, and then the Apaches and the Chinook showed up.”

“How long were you under attack?”

“Fifteen, twenty minutes they tell me. It felt like years.”

Jamie pulled Leo into her embrace. “There is nothing else you could have done, Leo. Nothing.”

“I couldn’t save them,” he gasped into her shoulder. “I tried, but I couldn’t save any of them.”

“Shhh, Leo… shhh,” she murmured, rocking him like she would a baby. “Thank you,” she said after a time.

“For what?” he asked, pulling back and looking into her eyes.

“For telling me this – for sharing your burden with me. I can’t imagine how terrible it must have been that day, but it could have been worse, still. You could have died with those men, but you didn’t. You’re alive to tell everyone of their heroism. You’re alive to remember their sacrifice and to see that they’re not forgotten.” She leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. “You’re alive, Leo. Don’t dishonor their memory by not living.”

Leo’s breathing hitched and he gasped. She could tell he was struggling to hold himself together, fighting to not be overwhelmed by his emotions. She pulled him in close again. “It’s okay to grieve, Leo, but don’t die inside. Please.” She paused as she struggled to remember what he had said that morning. “Second Platoon wouldn’t want that. You’re all that is left of them. Live for
them,
Leo. Don’t let them have died in vain.”  

“I don’t know how,” he said softly.

“One day at a time, Leo. You live one day at a time. You live for today.” She pulled back and kissed him softly. She wanted pull him from that dark past and twist and rip the pain from him. “Live for tonight,” she murmured as she touched his lips again. “Forget the past, if just for a little while.” She kissed him gently under his ear. “Please, Leo, if only for this one moment…
live
.”

A single sob escaped him and he gasped as he tried to hold himself together. But he couldn’t... and the pain and anguish came pouring from him. He held tightly to Jamie as he fought for control, control he couldn’t find.

He began to sob silently, her only indication of his pain the shaking of his shoulders and his quiet gasps for air. And she held him, held him tight, saying nothing, doing nothing, giving him her shoulder to cry on and what strength she could as she sobbed with him, sharing his pain, gladly taking some of his burden.

Then he was still, and she continued to hold him. She would hold him for as long as he wanted, until she grew gray with age if that is what it took. Finally he straightened, and looked into her eyes, his own eyes red from his tears. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I should go.”

“Stay,” she answered just as softly. “I would like it very much if you would stay with me tonight.”

He stared at her a moment. “I would like that, too,” he whispered. “For the first time in a long time, I feel alive.”

Jamie fought against her tears as she smiled, stood, and pulled Leo to his feet to lead him to her bedroom.

As they coasted to a stop beside her bed, they looked at each other, neither moving in the shadowy gloom, the lights from the rest of the house the only illumination. His hand came to her face and she tilted her head into it, allowing him to hold her. Earlier she was wound so tight she wanted to fuck like bunnies, but now, after learning of the pain Leo held inside, she was content to go slow and support him as he took the first tentative steps from the dark place of his memories.

He looked into Jamie’s beautiful face as she slowly nodded her head in his palm, her eyes closed, caressing her cheek with his hand. Her words had cut him deeply, puncturing some hidden reservoir of pain and allowing it to escape. He
did
want to live, to let go of his pain and guilt. The Army, and Lima 6, had tried to help him, to coach him into releasing his anguish, but their words were just words. But Jamie
knew
what it was like to lose someone unexpectedly and before their time. She knew and understood the pain he felt, and she had been able to let it go. She was so strong, so incredibly strong, and he needed her strength. Her strength and support made his burden seem lighter and her kindness acted as a balm on an aching wound.

When his other hand touched her face she looked up and met his lips. Their kiss was soft and gentle, almost loving in its tenderness. She moved to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him deeper into the kiss when he broke it off. “Are you sure about this?” he whispered, his lips only a hair’s breadth from her own, his breath warmth and seductive as he spoke.