Susanna's Christmas Wish (2 page)

Susanna washed the dishes and stared out the window at the snow. Soon the snow would be falling in earnest, the flakes floating past this very window. The joy and hope of Christmas would be in the air. The celebration of the Christ child in the manger would be coming. Was this feeling just an
Englisha
thing, like Herman claimed? He said her family had given in to worldly influences and his family had not.

Yet how could this be true? Her family didn’t celebrate Christmas like the
Englisha
did, with their Christmas trees and lots of store-bought presents.
Nee
, their celebration was simple. They began by gathering on Christmas morning for breakfast. In his deep voice,
Daett
would read the story of the Christ child’s birth. Then the day would be spent together visiting, eating candy and goodies galore, and letting the children race around the house. Maybe that was a little like the
Englisha
, but she would be willing to adjust something, like leaving early, if that helped Herman get used to her family’s ways.

But Herman had said no. No hesitation, right out, flat no.

And she had gotten angry. Even her cheeks flushed and her fingers tingled. She had stood up from the table to get a drink at the sink even though her glass was still full of water. His eyes had followed her as he seemed to be waiting for harsh words from her.

But she had not spoken them. She knew that Herman, being her husband, was in the right. And she knew what he would say further on the matter—that she knew
before
the wedding what his feelings were. He had made no secret of them. And there had been the talk with his
mamm
. Herman’s
mamm
had made two or three special trips to the Keim farm before the wedding to visit Susanna. From that first visit, it seemed as if his
mamm
was sizing her up as a daughter-in-law. Would she be good enough for her Herman? That was her purpose in that first visit. She must have passed the test because there had been the second visit. That’s when Mrs. Wagler told Susanna what Herman’s favorite dishes were and how important it was to honor their family traditions. That was when she mentioned their longstanding abhorrence of the celebration of Christmas that had somehow infiltrated the community. Those visits had been uncomfortable enough, but then only two days after the wedding Herman’s
mamm
had showed up to help her organize her kitchen. Hadn’t it occurred to her that if Susanna needed such help she would have asked her own
mamm?

Nee
, she couldn’t say she didn’t know how Herman and his family felt about Christmas, Susanna acknowledged. And now with their first Christmas together approaching, Susanna was realizing it would also be her first Christmas without the joy she had experienced at home.
Nee
, she would never get to be at
Mamm
and
Daett
’s for Christmas morning again.

Knowing about his objections beforehand wasn’t making it any easier, no matter how often she’d told herself it should be. She had thought maybe there was some sort of compromise possible. Surely there had to be. Susanna sighed. It was useless, really. She already knew that. Hermann was handsome and nice and calm, but he was “Amish stubborn.” That was just how it was. And she was his
frau
.

Well, she could imagine that Christmas was no big deal. Perhaps she was being silly about such a small matter. They would find something else to do on Christmas morning.

Susanna dried the plates and placed them in the cupboard above her. She would have to learn submission, that was the only answer. This was the first big test being placed before her by
Da Hah
, and she would have to pass somehow. Oh, if she only could. Who would have thought she would have trouble with being a
gut frau?
That had been the least of her expectations. A sloppy housekeeper, perhaps, or being unable to keep up with the sewing once she had a bunch of
kiener
. Those things had worried her, but letting her husband have his way about Christmas had not been on her list.

Susanna closed the cupboard door. She would learn this lesson by Christmas morning. She still had time. Thanksgiving was this week, and that left nearly a month until Christmas. Yes, that’s what she would do. She would set her whole heart to the task. This would be her gift of love to Herman. She would learn to keep her mouth shut, and even if she didn’t succeed right away, it would happen. She would apologize until it did happen. Surely by Christmas the task would be done. Herman would see on that morning how much progress she’d made in fitting herself into his family’s lifestyle.

By Christmas Day she would love him fully, with all of her heart. What better wish to aim for than to live in total harmony with your husband, she decided. And love would keep growing in her heart for him. Perhaps not exactly the love she used to feel for Matthew, but a better love. A higher love. One that would grow from suffering.

Hadn’t Matthew shown her how shallow their love used to be? He’d sure been able to cast it off as if it didn’t matter.

Running to the window again, Susanna peeked out. Herman was a dim figure now, almost lost from view in the distant field. He looked intent on his work, his head bent toward the ground as his plow turned up the black dirt. Susanna turned away. How like plowing her plan was. Turning her old life under like Herman was doing to the ground today. Preparing for the spring when things come alive again. She would do the same. Plow under her selfish desires to plant a future spiritual harvest. Here was the sign as to what she should do as plain as day and right before her eyes. How like
Da Hah
to show her so quickly that He liked her plan. He would surely be answering her wish soon.

T
wo hours later Susanna finished her kitchen chores. It was a few minutes before eleven o’clock, and Susanna made her way to the barn, hoping Herman wouldn’t notice.
Nee
, he was in the far corner of the field now and wouldn’t see her go. Not that he would object to her going to visit her sister. In fact, he already knew she was going. But if he saw her before she had Bruce hitched to the buggy, Herman might feel compelled to leave his horses and come in to give her a hand. Especially after their argument this morning.

She knew him well enough to have that figured out. Herman would want to show her that he held nothing against her even as he stood his ground. It was better that she harness Bruce on her own. Once he saw her on the road, Herman would remember she was going to Mary’s house for the day to help prepare for Thanksgiving.

Tonight she would make things up to Herman by putting a
gut
supper on the table. She had already made an overture by laying cold cuts out for his lunch. Maybe her kindness after their disagreement would cause him to consider a little about how she was feeling. It wouldn’t hurt him. And by Christmastime,
Da Hah
would have worked a
gut
miracle in her, and she would have moved a long way toward being a submissive wife.

Herman’s horse greeted her with a loud whinny when she walked into the barn. Already Bruce knew her well, and he apparently liked her. No doubt in part because every time Herman had called for her at her parents’ place, she’d always taken the time to stroke his neck and talk to him while Herman tied him up by the barn.

“How you doing there, old man?” Susanna asked, opening the stall door to grab his halter. He bobbed his head as she ran her fingers through his mane.

“Herman put you in here for me, didn’t he?” Susan looked around for a moment. “Well, I’m sorry you had to stand all morning in a tight little stall when you could have been running around the pasture. But see, my husband is trying to be nice since we had a little tiff this morning. Do you think you can understand that?”

Bruce whinnied again as she led him outside the stall to throw on the harness. With the straps on tight, he followed her willingly to the buggy and swung under the shafts when she held them up.

Bruce was a well-behaved horse, just like his owner. Steady and always helpful, though he didn’t have much speed—except for short spurts downhill. But he could be counted on to get her somewhere in time and with little hassle.

“Get-up,” Susanna said once she was inside the buggy and had taken up the reins. She turned to take one last look toward the back field, as they drove out the lane. Herman had spotted her now, and he was craning his neck in her direction.

Susanna leaned out of the buggy to wave, and Herman’s hand came up in return. He was too far away for her to see if a smile crept across his face, but it would be there. She also knew that characteristic. He would get the message that she wasn’t going to throw another fit about this morning. He would understand she had to have time to work through her feelings. In that way, he also had her figured out, which was a nice, warm thought. Herman was a patient man. They would make a
gut
couple by the time all was said and done.

Susanna slapped the reins against Bruce’s back, urging him on. As they drew close to Bishop Jacob’s place, she saw a team of Belgians in the field. The bishop was also busy at fall plowing. She waved as she went past, and Bishop Jacob turned to wave back, his face breaking into a broad smile.

For Bishop Jacob to be behind the plow must mean his son-in-law must be behind on his own plowing, Susanna figured. The bishop only helped with the chores now that he’d turned his farm over to his youngest daughter’s husband. They’d been married a few years now.

What would Bishop Jacob think if he knew about her little argument with Herman this morning? He probably wouldn’t be smiling. But maybe he would understand that all young married couples have issues to work through. Most of those problems surely didn’t involve things like celebrating Christmas or having an ex-boyfriend who was in the
bann
though.

Bishop Jacob wouldn’t be holding Matthew against her, would he? He hadn’t mentioned it when she and Herman had gone to ask if he would marry them. But if Bishop Jacob knew she was thinking again of Matthew, he might have something to say about it. His face would no doubt fall in disappointment. His high hopes in the young couple he had married only a few weeks ago would be troubled.

She knew Bishop Jacob had high hopes because he’d said so when she and Herman had arrived that Saturday evening to announce their wedding plans.

“
Gut
evening,” Bishop Jacob had greeted them with a twinkle in his eye. This was obviously a routine he had seen many times before. “May I do anything for you?” he had asked, as if he didn’t have a clue.

Herman hadn’t missed a beat. Almost as if he had done this a hundred times before, he’d said, “May we have a few words with you inside?”

“Of course,” Bishop Jacob had said, opening the door wide.

Once they were all settled, Herman had wasted no time. “Susanna and I have agreed to wed. And we would like to be published in two weeks—if you have no objections.”

“Me? Have objections?” Bishop Jacob had laughed. “I’m expecting I’ll have no objections. After I’ve asked the few usual questions, of course. I’ve been observing your courtship, and I think both of you are making a very wise choice.”

Susanna had looked away from the bishop’s gaze that night. She still remembered how she’d felt though—all warm inside at his kind words. How
gut
it was to know she had been doing the right thing by dating Herman and agreeing to wed him. And she still felt that way. It was just that Herman and she were having a little trouble right now. But that would all be over soon, if
Da Hah
willed it. And surely He did.

Ahead of her, Mary’s house appeared, and Susanna pulled back on the reins. Bruce turned down the driveway like he knew exactly where she was going, coming to a stop at the hitching post beside the barn.

Susanna jumped down and unhitched. With a glance around, she stopped short, her hands on Bruce’s halter. Why was there an
Englisha
car parked behind the barn? Beside her, Bruce lunged forward, almost stepping on her as he came out of the shafts.

“Whoa, boy!” she muttered. “I wasn’t quite ready for that.”

Recovering, she led Bruce toward the barn. Mary would have an explanation once she arrived at the house. An
Englisha
car behind the barn would be hard to explain though. Any
Englisha
people who stopped in, whether they were buying produce from Mary’s garden or had business with her husband, Ernest, would park in plain sight.

“Howdy there,” Mary’s voice hollered from the front porch, jerking Susanna out of her thoughts.

“Hi,” Susanna called back. “I’m taking Bruce into the barn.”

“Do you need help?” Mary asked. “Ernest isn’t here right now.”

“Of course not!” Susanna hollered back with a laugh.

Now why would Mary ask such a thing? Mary knew she was perfectly capable of unharnessing a horse by herself. She must be in a teasing mood. But Mary wasn’t exactly a teaser. Well then, she must be in a
gut
mood with Thanksgiving coming up later this week. Getting ready for family gatherings always puts
my
family members in a
gut
mood, Susanna thought. She slid open the barn door. At least Herman hadn’t objected to Thanksgiving meals with her family. “If they aren’t too extravagant,” he’d said last year. And as long as no one ate too much. He had come to Thanksgiving last year and was apparently satisfied. Why else would he have agreed to their coming to Mary’s house this year, as well as her helping Mary prepare beforehand?