Sweet Awakening (7 page)

How
could
she love Rainsborough, someone capable of such a gesture? How could she have turned her back on our friendship? Giles didn’t know what was worse, his desire for Clare, which could never be satisfied, or his sudden anger at her. She had betrayed her own affection and awakening passion for him. For desire
had
been between them, he was sure of it. He had just been so bloody careful with her. Instead, he should have swept her off her feet, the way Rainsborough had.

He picked the small jewel off the floor. It was scratched from the heel of his boot, but its purple depths still reminded him of Clare’s eyes. He scooped up the chain and walked out of the library and downstairs to the main hall. He thrust the broken chain and pendant at the footman stationed there, saying, “Here, get rid of this. I never want to see it again,” and walked straight out the door, leaving the servant gaping at the gold in his hand, wondering whether taking such a valuable piece to a pawnshop might constitute a technical obedience to his master’s order.

Clare sent a note to Sabrina the morning after the supper dance, asking her to call that afternoon. She did not have the courage to visit the Whittons yet and chance encountering Giles. But she knew she and Sabrina must talk, or she risked losing a treasured friendship.

When Sabrina arrived, Clare joined her in the drawing room and asked the butler to send in some lemonade and biscuits.

“Please sit down, Sabrina.”

“I can’t stay for very long, Clare, so don’t bother with refreshments,” her friend answered rather coolly.

“I am glad of them myself, Sabrina. You may do what you wish.”

Sabrina sat opposite Clare and without preamble said: “How could you do this to Giles, Clare? And after all you have been to one another these many years.”

Clare colored, but answered with a calmness that amazed her. But she was so sure of her heart, that it seemed easy to speak from it at last.

“Giles and I have been dear friends, Sabrina, just as you and I have been.”

“The friendships can hardly be compared, Clare! You know Giles has always loved you.”

“As I him. I think the two of us know our relationship at least as well as you do, Sabrina. Giles has never spoken or acted in any way other than a dear friend might. Of course, we both knew what our families expected. And I expected, for that matter. I told Giles that had I never met Justin, I am sure we would have settled down very happily together. But I
did
meet Justin, Sabrina.”

You really did make a muddle of things, Giles, thought Sabrina. “But you hardly know him, Clare. Surely to choose infatuation over a long-lasting friendship is foolish ...”

“It is love that is between us, not infatuation, Sabrina. I have never had anyone love me like this. Justin loves me, Clare Dysart, for myself. He may appear quite alarmingly handsome and sure of himself, but I know him. He not only loves me, he needs me. No one has ever needed me before,” said Clare, her voice shaking.

“Oh, Clare, I am sorry for going at you,” said Sabrina, getting up and sitting beside her friend on the sofa. “It is just that ...” She was going to say: I hate to see Giles heartbroken. But it wouldn’t be fair to expose her brother’s pain or make Clare feel worse than she already did. So she just continued: “... That I am very disappointed. I so wanted you for a sister.”

“Thank you for trying to understand, Sabrina. I have always felt that we were like sisters already. I hope my marriage won’t change that?”

Sabrina gave Clare a fierce hug. “Of course not, my dear.”

Just then, the butler knocked and entered with his tray. Sabrina went back to her chair, while he placed her lemonade on the table between them. His entrance gave both young women the opportunity to collect themselves. When he left, Sabrina lifted her glass and said: “Here is to your happiness, Clare. You deserve to be loved.”

“Thank you, Sabrina.” Clare was blushing as she accepted the toast.

“Now, when are you planning the wedding?”

“Very soon,” admitted Clare. “We are hoping to marry in late June or early July so that we will have most of the summer in Devon.” Clare hesitated. “I was hoping ...”

“Yes?”

“I was hoping that you would stand up with me, Sabrina.”

“I would be honored, Clare.”

They chatted then about wedding gowns, and what flowers would be available, and by the time Sabrina left, she was almost resigned to Clare’s choice. It had surprised her to hear the depth of Clare’s need to be loved and needed. And yet it shouldn’t have. After all, she knew what Clare’s childhood had been like: not desperately unhappy, of course, but lacking in those essential ingredients. The way Clare had described Rainsborough made Sabrina begin to understand what had drawn her to him and away from Giles. Clare had always needed Giles. From the beginning he had acted as her protector and champion.

But how would Clare ever have known how much Giles loved and needed her? The pattern in their relationship had been set early on, and both had become used to it. Clearly, they all, particularly Giles, had taken too much about Clare for granted. She could only hope that Giles would someday find someone else. And before Lucy Kirkman got her claws into him!

* * * *

At a cost known only to himself, Giles was successful in presenting himself as an old friend and not a heartbroken suitor, and the gossip died down after a short time. But the effort was occasionally almost too much for him, especially the evenings like tonight when Rainsborough and Clare, having danced every waltz together, disappeared onto a balcony for what seemed like hours. He was very glad, therefore, to hear the Honorable Andrew More announced as a late arrival.

“Andrew!” he exclaimed when his old friend approached him. “Why have we not had the pleasure of seeing you earlier this Season?”

“The law is a demanding mistress, Giles,” responded Andrew. “Although perhaps a demanding one is easier than an unfaithful one?” he added with sympathetic irony.

Had it been anyone else, Giles would have been furious at the insult to Clare. But he had known Andrew since their first year away at school, and he knew that it was only affection that was behind the animosity.

“Hardly unfaithful and most certainly not to be categorized as a mistress, Andrew,” warning him by his serious tone that Andrew had gone almost too far.

“I apologize, Giles. I shouldn’t have said that. But my God, man, your betrothal has been expected for years. And I know you have loved Clare for that long.”

“And you’ve never understood it.”

Andrew flushed with embarrassment. “I have never said anything of the sort, Giles.”

Giles grinned. “No, you haven’t had to. It is only that I have never glimpsed anything beyond polite friendliness between you and Clare whenever you’ve visited us at Whitton.”

“I am drawn to a more spirited sort of woman, Giles.” He hesitated. “I must confess that I am surprised that Clare chose Rainsborough over you. She always seemed so shy and insecure to me. Your steadiness seemed just what she needed.”

“Evidently he sparked something in her that I did not,” Giles said bitterly.

“Setting your feelings aside, do you like him?” asked Andrew curiously as he watched Rainsborough lead Clare back onto the dance floor.

“I have tried to be objective, Andrew. I want Clare to be happy and to all appearances, Rainsborough seems to be the man who makes her so. But he always hovers over her so protectively. And does not like it one bit when I ask for the occasional dance. Though why he thinks it is a pleasure rather than a torment for me, I am sure I don’t know. But I have to continue the ‘good friend’ to keep the gossips quiet.”

“You are a very attractive man, Giles, in your own right, and before he came along, Clare seemed to be yours. I can understand his insecurity.”

Giles sighed. “I suppose you are right, Andrew. And there is no way I can be rational about this anyway.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Andrew asked very casually: “Is Sabrina here tonight?”

“Yes, she is in the garden with young Bewley.”

Andrew raised his eyebrows. “Bewley? Are we to wish your sister happy this year?”

Giles laughed. “Not at all, Andrew. Bewley is suffering from an intense case of calf-love for the Honorable Susan Maxwell, and sought Sabrina’s aid in arousing the young lady’s jealousy. As far as I know, Sabrina’s heart is still free.”

Andrew laughed and immediately changed the subject. But when Sabrina returned, he unobtrusively joined the group of friends who surrounded her and obtained a waltz for later in the evening.

* * * *

When Andrew came to claim his dance, Sabrina felt the familiar thrill of attraction that had plagued her ever since he had spent a fortnight one summer at Whitton five years ago. He was the first man, and indeed, he seemed the last who affected her so. But he had never shown the least sign of interest, and so she had kept her feelings to herself, hoping they were only temporary and that someone else would eventually come along and claim her heart.

“I was happy that you had a dance free for me, Sabrina,” said Andrew. She felt herself grow warm with pleasure and wondered if Andrew did feel an attraction to her after all. But she only answered calmly that she, too, was glad of the opportunity to be his partner. “For you are too absent during the Season, Andrew.”

Andrew continued almost as though she hadn’t spoken. “I know how close you and Giles are, Sabrina. How is he holding up under the strain of having to act the family friend with Clare?”

Sabrina mentally scolded herself for having been so foolish, even if for only a moment, to think that Andrew More had any special interest in her. “He does not talk about it, even to me, but I can sense his heartbreak.”

“How did this ever come about? The friendship between Giles and Clare goes back so far. And she never seemed the sort to be swept off her feet by charm and flattery.”

“I can only guess at the reason,” said Sabrina. “I believe that what she and Giles felt for each other went beyond friendship, but my chivalrous brother did not wish to hurry her. I don’t think he ever revealed his need for her or his passion. Evidently Rainsborough did, and that meant everything.”

“I see.” And Andrew did. Granted, given his status as a younger son, he couldn’t let himself indulge in any fantasies about Lady Sabrina Whitton. But if he had been free to, he would have acted very differently from Giles and not held back for anyone.

He smiled down at Sabrina sympathetically, and they shared a wordless minute of understanding. It was one of Giles’s most endearing qualities, this ability to separate his own need from the need of those he loved. And it was his greatest strength that had become his greatest weakness. In protecting Clare from his own desire, he had lost her.

* * * *

The rest of the Season went by very quickly for Clare as she was caught up in the whirlwind preparations for her wedding. On her wedding day itself, she felt as though she were standing and looking through a kaleidoscope. All was a blur as she dressed and drove to the church. And then there were the moments that stood out perfectly, as things shifted and fell into place: Giles’s face looking set and serious as she moved past him down the aisle, a glimpse of her mother from the altar, looking so much older than she had remembered her, and Justin, gazing into her eyes as he said his vows with such loving intensity she thought she might faint.

During the wedding breakfast, Giles came over to congratulate them. It was the first time he and Justin had said more than a few words to one another, and Clare was hoping that one day they could all be comfortable. It was obvious, from the way Justin’s hand tightened over hers, that this was not the day. He and Giles smiled smiles that came nowhere near their eyes and uttered the usual formalities.

“I wish you both happy.”

“Thank you, Whitton.”

It was only when Giles was turning to leave that any real emotion was expressed. He turned back quickly and said fiercely: “Clare is very dear to me, Rainsborough. I know that you will treat her as the treasure she is.”

“She is even dearer to me, Whitton. You need not concern yourself further with her happiness.”

Given the coldness of Justin’s tone, his answer was like a slap in the face. Giles colored, nodded, and bowed his farewell to both of them.

They set off on the first stage of their journey early in the afternoon, planning to stop in Farnborough. One of Justin’s cousins owned a small house there and had placed it at his disposal.

“Do you mind if I close my eyes for a while, Justin,” Clare asked as they left London behind. “I find I am exhausted from this past week.” She slipped her hand in his and leaned her head against his shoulder.

“Not at all, my dear.”

Clare was asleep almost immediately and did not wake up until they were only an hour from Farnborough. She could tell from the light that it was late afternoon and was horrified that she had slept so long.

“I am so sorry, Justin.”

Her husband looked at her with affectionate amusement as she sat up and smoothed her hair.

“No need to apologize, Clare. Actually, I am very pleased that you feel so comfortable with me.”

Clare blushed. It
had
felt very natural to be that close. And tonight they would be even closer.

Justin’s cousin had made sure that his housekeeper had everything ready and had left a light supper for them.

“This is so much nicer than an inn, Justin. I am grateful to your cousin,” Clare said as they sat down to eat after washing up.

“I wanted our first evening to be ours alone, Clare. No friends, no relatives, no servants. I wanted you to myself,” he added, putting his hand over hers. Clare would have been very ready to push her chair back and go upstairs right that minute. It amazed her that although she certainly had some natural fears about the night ahead of her, for the most part she was eager to become Justin’s wife. His slightest touch made her feel such desire that she was left breathless.