Sweet Evil (17 page)

He let out a big, burly laugh.

“You thought you’d stump me with that one, didn’t you? It’s actually very simple. The purpose of life is to find your way back to a spiritual way of thinking and living—to be able to get past the physical stuff. That’s pretty much the whole test. And every soul is given talents and strengths to help them along the way.”

“That’s
it
?!”

He snickered at my bug-eyed response.

“It’s much harder than it sounds.” He looked up at the clock now. “Ten more minutes, little one. What else you got for me?”

There was thunder in my heart. I looked at his big, weathered hands holding mine on the table. I couldn’t put it off any longer.

“Is it true there’s a stain on my soul, and I’m condemned to go to hell no matter what? That’s not true, is it?”

His breathing had gone shallow as he stared at me. A tremble began to shake his chin, and he looked away.
No. Please, no.
I shook my head, pulling my hands away to cover my face. My heart ached and my eyes stung.

“Please forgive me, Anna.” His voice was quiet. “This is why I never wanted children. Please look at me.”

I moved my hands down from my watering eyes, pressing my fingers over my mouth.

“It might be different for you. Your mother’s good might cancel out my bad. We don’t know. And if it’s true, then I’ll be there with you. We’ll stick together through the darkness.”

“Why would He do that to us?” My voice rose. “To all of the Nephilim children? It’s not our fault!”

He leaned across the table, grasping my hands from my face and holding them. His eyes were set on mine.

“Nothing good comes from anger,” he said. “Trust me. It’ll keep you from thinking clearly. I know you don’t want that. Don’t lose hope. Remember, hell is only a holding place. You’ll get your shot at judgment. We can’t know everything about the ultimate plan. It’d be like trying to teach infants quantum physics.”

I rubbed my face, trying to nod and swallow the sob in my chest. I didn’t want to go to hell. There was nothing more petrifying than the idea of a place absent of love.

“Two minutes!” hollered a guard by the door. “Wrap it up and say your good-byes, folks.”

We both stood. I came around the table and went into his thick, solid arms. He smelled like soap. It was surreal to be hugged by him, but so right. He kissed the top of my head.

“I love you, Dad.”

“You don’t know how good those words sound to me. I’ve loved you every day of your life. Thank you for coming to me. I’m proud of you.”

He pulled away and lifted my chin to make me look at him.

“Remember everything I told you, got that?”

I nodded.

“And tell the Rowe boy to keep his paws off my little girl, ’cause I’ll be out soon to take care of him if he doesn’t.”

“
Daaaad
.”

Embarrassing.

A whistle blew and we pulled away from each other. Everyone was standing, hugging, and walking to the doors. My stomach tightened.

“Please be careful,” he urged.

“I’ll see you soon?”

“You bet.” He kissed my forehead and I grudgingly joined the other visitors leaving.

At the door I turned back. He was still watching me, tall and stoic. My whole life I’d fooled myself into thinking I didn’t need his love, but I’d been wrong. Everyone needed their father’s love.

A freshly shaved Kaidan leaned against his shiny black SUV with his arms crossed in the bright California sunshine. He stood up and took off his sunglasses when he saw me. I couldn’t look at him. I walked past and opened the door, climbing in.

He didn’t ask any questions. He just got in and drove, keeping his eyes on the road. When we’d driven five miles from the prison, I hid my face in my hands and let loose every tear I had in me.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

F
IRST
S
ACRIFICE

A
cross from the hotel was a tiny Laundromat with five washers and five dryers run by coin slots. I spent the afternoon doing laundry while Kaidan went to the hotel’s gym. He’d given me his phone in case the convent called. I sat alone in a small chair, thinking, while the dryer ran.

I’d asked Kaidan if he’d been listening to our conversation while he waited at the prison. He admitted that when he returned that afternoon, he listened for a moment to make sure I was okay, but that was it, and I believed him.

I told him every detail of what my father said. He had been a quiet listener, not saying much. Not even
I told you so
about the final part.

The clothes were finally dry, so I stood there pulling them out one at a time, folding them.

I jumped and let out an embarrassing squeak when two hands came around my waist.

“Just me, luv,” he said, close to my ear. “Aren’t you the picture of domestication? Do you cook as well?”

I put both hands on the edge of the dryer to steady myself. The machine was still hot.

“Kai,” I said. I could feel his nose and mouth move over my hair. Why was he doing this to me? Telling me not to romanticize him, and then nuzzling me from behind? “You shouldn’t...”

My knees were shaking. I was so confused. What I really wanted to do was close my eyes and lean back into him, pretending for just a moment that we were together. But I pressed on from a place inside of me that was stronger than my body. I couldn’t be one of his momentary girls.

“Unless you’re going to be my boyfriend, you shouldn’t touch me like this.”

He did not pull away, repulsed, as I had expected. Instead, he spoke into my hair.

“The Neph are not permitted to be in relationships, especially not with one another.”

“Nobody has to know,” I said into the air, closing my eyes. “Just us.”

“It can never happen.” His rejection was gentle, but firm.

Again, from the place of strength, I found myself taking his hands, untwining them from around my waist, and moving them away from me. A second later he was gone. Hot and then cold, over and over.

It can never happen.
I had to lean on the dryer now, breathing deeply, feeling the heat. For once my eyes stayed dry.

I had known in my heart there was no chance. Of course there wasn’t. He hadn’t said he did not want to be with me, only that it wasn’t allowed. I tried to cling to that, but I knew I shouldn’t. Whatever the reason, there would never be an “us,” not even in secret, certainly not exclusive, and the sooner I got my head wrapped around that fact, the better.

I piled the clothes into my arms and headed to the room.

Kaidan was watching TV on his bed. He didn’t look at me. I set his clothes on the dresser and packed mine back into my bag. I saw the red T-shirt in the bottom of my bag, the one he’d loaned me at his house. I went and placed it on his pile. I thought about what to do next. My book bag sat on the floor with all my summer reading for AP English that Patti had insisted I bring. I picked it up and lugged it to my bed.

“What are you getting into?” he asked.

I guessed he was going to act like nothing happened. Well, two could play that.

“English,” I said, tossing a book of American poetry and my notebook on the bed in front of me. Kaidan turned off the TV and came over, laying his long self across my bed, taking the book, and opening it.

The nerve.

And then it dawned on me painfully. Maybe he wasn’t pretending it was no big deal. Maybe it really wasn’t a big deal to him at all. And why would it be? Many girls, far more enticing than me, had no doubt asked him to commit, and he’d rejected each one. Why did I think I was any different? Because we shared a secret about our parents and some freaky senses?

I’ve heard the saying that you can’t miss what you never had. Only I did. The disappointment hurt.

I found an unoccupied corner at the top of my bed and sat with my legs crossed. My head was killing me. I pulled the braid over my shoulder and tugged off the rubber band. I untwined the strands of hair and ran my nails along my sore scalp. I combed my fingers through the deep waves made by the braid to get out any tangles. Kaidan made a strange guttural sound and then coughed. When I looked over he was staring hard at the book. His eyes moved over me and went back to the book again. What was his problem?

I felt pouty, and I was glad I knew how to hide my colors now. I opened my notebook with a dramatic whoosh and yanked out the top worksheet. The first question made me grumble.

“What’s the matter?” Kaidan asked.

“I can’t stand these kinds of questions. ‘What is the author’s opinion of death, as seen in lines eighteen to twenty-one?’ It’s a poem, for crying out loud! The beauty of poetry is that it can mean different things to different people at different times. But you know they’re expecting one specific, so-called correct answer, and any other thoughtful response will be counted off. It’s wrong to dissect poetry like this!”

I threw down the paper in heated passion and felt his hand cup my cheek. I hadn’t even noticed him sitting up during my tirade. My heart was already pumping hard when I turned my face to him. Kaidan’s eyes were on fire, and his sweet, earthy scent slammed my senses.

“Seriously,” I whispered, unable to look away. “You’re doing that bedroom-eyes thing again.”

We met halfway. His lips were as hot as his eyes, sending a shock wave through me. His tender mouth opened mine and I could sense the red of passion, like silk, circling us, pulling us closer. I was aware of a halfhearted battle within me, but I clambered nearer, pushing the notebook and papers to the floor.

His lips broke away from mine and moved greedily down my neck. A moan escaped me at the feel of his hot breath on my skin, and it was all the encouragement he needed. He was on top of me, and I was gripped by an unfamiliar hunger. I hushed the urgent whisper of my heart by grabbing his shirt and tugging it up until it was over his head, and his smooth brown skin was
everywhere
, emanating heat. He unbuttoned my shirt and I wiggled out of it. It was off, tossed to the floor with the notebook, and my tank top was over my head, in his hand, then soaring across the room. His lips were on mine again, our bare skin crushed together, but we still needed to be closer. He pulled his lips just far enough away to speak.

“What time will Patti be calling?”

I managed a glimpse at the clock, feeling his mouth on my collarbone.

“Not for an hour,” I whispered.

“That simply is
not
going to be enough time.”

In one smooth motion he flipped us so we were both sitting up, me across his lap with my legs wrapped around him. My hair brushed my skin, soft in contrast to the hardness of his hands. His perfect lips moved over my shoulders, pushing my bra straps down and nipping with just enough pressure. My head lolled back into his waiting hand. I pressed my hips against his and was rewarded when he groaned, flipping us again, so fluidly.

His mouth was on the small swell of skin peeking out from the top of my bra. My hands were in his thick hair. He kissed down my upper body to my belly button, keeping his hands under my back, concentrating on my skin. I was gasping for short breaths now, unable to control myself as his lips burned a trail down to the edge of my shorts. He flicked open the button and licked the sensitive skin there. I gasped, and he made a masculine growling sound at me before he spoke.

“Now would be the time to stop me, luv. You’re about to be undressed, and trust me when I say it will be too late after that.”

My body was overpowering my mind. I couldn’t think. I could only smell and taste and see and hear and
feel
him.

An annoying whisper sounded from the depths of my mind again, but something else was there too: something I had managed to flatten to the bottom of my consciousness until now. The demonic doubt.

We were damned for simply being born. So why was I holding fast to rules that didn’t really apply to me anyway? Why shouldn’t I take from this life what I could in the time I had? This had nothing to do with what Pharzuph demanded of us, and everything to do with what Kaidan and I had become to each other.

“No, Kai,” I said, arching my back under his hot fingers. “Don’t stop.”

His face was in front of mine again, our mouths moving in a harmonic frenzy. My hands moved from his hair, over his hard chest, down the ripple of his stomach, around his waist, and up over his firm back. I pulled him to me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Excitement and fear coursed through my blood.

And then there was...
confusion.

He was murmuring something to himself that I couldn’t make out, then shaking his head. I pulled him to me again, but he reached down, taking my wrists and holding them between us. I lifted my hips to him and was shocked to meet resistance. What was going on?

“We can’t,” he barely whispered.

“Kai?” He was pulling himself away from me, and it was such torture that I could hardly bear it.

I made one final attempt to revive the closeness, reaching for him, but he had gone to stone above me.

“Damn it, Ann, please! Don’t. Move.”

I lay still, breathing hard and staring into his deep blue eyes until he ripped his gaze away.

He rolled to the side of the bed and got up, moving an agonizing distance away. He groaned and grabbed his hair hard in both of his fists, then began to pace, shaking his head from side to side. His bloodred badge pumped as hard as my heart.

I sat up, mindful of my heated, exposed skin in the room’s cool air. I grabbed a pillow and pressed it to my chest in a tight hug. Every inch of skin he had kissed felt like it was on fire.

Rejection swept over me, turning my heat to ice. Saying he wouldn’t be my boyfriend was one thing. But this?

“You don’t want me.” Such a pathetic revelation would have been better left unsaid.

He groaned again, louder this time, and squatted to the floor, pushing his fists into his eyes. He was in obvious pain. I wanted to reach out to him, but I knew I couldn’t.

“Don’t do that.” His voice was jagged. “That was the single most difficult thing I’ve done in my entire life.”

He stood again, the sight of his body slamming into me full force.

“I don’t understand, then,” I whispered.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?” His voice edged on frantic. “And don’t think for a second I don’t want you—” He had to stop and growl at this, pressing his knuckles to his forehead. “It shouldn’t be like this,” he said.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Uncommitted. In a hotel room.”

“Then commit,” I said. His face tightened and he held his arms out in frustration.

“I can’t!” he shouted. “And I’m
not
taking your virginity. You would regret it.”

He turned away from me, leaning his forehead against the wall. He was still out of breath as he slid downward, turning and slumping in the corner of the room, elbows on his knees, face in his hands.

I let the meaning of what had just happened soak in. We’d come so close, and Kaidan denied himself. For me. He’d made his very first self-sacrifice. For me. He’d defied his demon father. For me.

A vibrant energy rushed through my body as the pieces slammed into place. Oh, dear Lord. I was in love with him. And there wasn’t a thing on earth, in heaven, or in hell that could have stopped me.

In that moment of shocking realization, he turned to me and stared. My emotional guard was down. I snapped my mind back into hiding mode, but it was too late. He’d seen it. I held my breath for his reaction. He closed his eyes and let his head drop to his chest, posture slumping. Not the response of my dreams.

I focused, finding it difficult to contain the hugeness of my emotion for him. Now that I saw it for what it was, it was all-encompassing. I closed my eyes and kept it hidden with every scrap of willpower in me.

I stood, still hugging the pillow, and walked quickly over to retrieve my shirt from the top of the television. Dropping the pillow, I pulled the tank top over my head and buttoned my shorts. I needed to leave—take a walk to clear my head and give him time to himself.

And then the phone rang. Oh, geez!

He didn’t move, so I walked over to the nightstand where it lay and peeked at the caller ID. My heart leaped and my fingers fumbled to pick it up and press the green button.

“Hello?” I said.

“Miss Whitt? It’s Sister Emily.”

“Is she awake?”

“I’m so sorry, dear. Sister Ruth has gone to be with the Lord.”

What?! My stomach plummeted and I sat hard on the bed, a profound sense of loss inundating my soul.

“No,” I whispered.

“I’m afraid so. Several years ago she had a will drawn up, and she left everything to you. I’ve gone through her personal effects and there was only one thing besides her clothing and her Bible. A small box. Can you come to the convent?”

“Yes. I’ll be right there.”