Sweet Reflection (29 page)

“Oh, poor darling, here all alone. Don’t you worry, I’ll take good care of you tonight.” She says, as she takes a step closer. God, that’s the last thing I want. I look around for an escape and nearly yell with excitement when I see Sebastian Burrows, one of the architects I’ve got on well with since we both worked on a housing development a couple of years ago. Seb and his wife Tiffany, make these things bearable and they’ve saved me from many a tight spot like this one. He nudges his wife, who’s in conversation with someone else and when Tiff looks over at me she throws her head back laughing. As they make their way over from the other side of the room, a photographer from a country home magazine comes over and asks if we would mind a picture. “Of course. James, let the nice man take a photo of us. It’ll look good for the press.” I begrudgingly let the photographer do his thing whilst Sarah drapes herself over me and pushes her breast into the side of my chest. As soon as the photographer leaves, I expect her to give me some space but she stays right where she is.

“Excuse me. Sarah, great to see you again. I’m afraid I’m going to have to steal James away for a while. We have business to discuss. James?” Seb smiles at Sarah, who looks like she’s just eaten a lemon, then looks at me. “Of course, excuse me Sarah.”

I don’t give her the time to reply, I can’t wait to get the hell away from her. I’ll keep one eye on her tonight though, I don’t want to give her any opportunity to corner me again or make good on her promise of looking after me.

“You’re getting too old for this now, James.” Seb chuckles, and slaps me on the back.

“And you’re too young for the old married couple routine, Burrows. You need to show this lady of yours a good time.” I say as Tiff joins us and reaches up to kiss my cheek.

“Did you hear that Seb? I need a good time. And falling asleep on the sofa is not what I call a good time.” Tiff admonishes as she tips back her Champagne. “Is it sad that I actually look forward to these awards each year because it’s the only thing we ever do?”

“Sweetheart, you know I work long hours, and I get up so early I can’t help it.” He looks guilty as he tries to placate his wife but she laughs and her eyes roll; I bet they’ve had the same conversation many times before. Seb’s nothing if not predictable.

“I know you love me. Anyway, James, how are you?”

“You know she doesn’t care how you are, she just wants to know whether you’ve got a girlfriend yet.” Tiff huffs and puts her hand on her hip, “No, idiot, I actually want to know how
he
is. How are you?” She turns back to me with a small smile on her lips and I can’t help but smile too, they’re a great match and remind me so much of Laurel and I.

“Great thanks. Work’s going well, and I’ve met someone. Couldn’t be better actually.” It could if Judy was okay, but they don’t need to know about that.

“Oh,” Tiff claps her hands together and squeals, “Finally! You’ve got to tell me about her.” We find our seats and relax into them as I talk about Laurel for the next half an hour. I’ve bored Seb, he sits back in his seat and yawns, but Tiff leans forward, nodding along and asking me so many questions it feels like Laurel’s actually here with me. I take a break to check my phone and when there’s no messages or calls I relax again. Judy must be fine.

I leave it next to me in case anything comes through and turn back to Tiff and Seb. As I pick up my glass to take a drink hands come round my neck and fingernails dig deep into my shoulders.

“Fancy seeing you here.” The low and sultry voice breathes against my ear, forcing a shudder to rock my whole body. These women will make me go ape-shit if they don’t give me a break.

“Alex, what are you doing here?”

“Oh darling, I have a house in London don’t forget. And when I heard you were nominated I just wanted to show my support. And I’m seated for dinner at your table, isn’t that just the funniest coincidence?” It’s no fucking coincidence. Stalker alert!

“I don’t need your support. What the hell has gotten in to you?” I lower my voice to a frustrated whisper, hoping to rattle her. She laughs and settles into the seat next to me.

“Darling, don’t be mad. I just wanted to see you. I wanted to see you win, I mean.”

“I’m not going to win.”

“Oh don’t be silly, you will.” She rests her hand on my arm and leans in closer showing me a clear view of her breasts. I jump up and away from her as quickly as possible. That was way too damn close. Tiff gives me a sympathetic look as I head through the tables to the toilets and put some distance between me and every other female that’s glanced up and smiled as I walked through the hall. Why does it have to be like this? The only woman I actually want here, isn’t. She’s at home, going through a shitty time with her mother, and I’m here having a shit time at an awards ceremony I haven’t got a hope in hell of winning. I slam my hands down on the sink and take a few calming breaths in.
She’s at home
, I think again. She has no choice but to be there. So why the fuck am I here? A hundred miles away. It’s too far. I have to get back. I’m leaving.

I walk back into the room, and the heat of hundreds of sets of eyes on me has me wanting to shrink back in the corner. I’ve missed something, clearly.

“Ah, there he is, ladies and gentlemen. Bathroom break, James?” The MC on the stage laughs and so does everyone else in the room.

“Ladies and gentlemen, again, the winner of Breakthrough Talent 2013, James Dawson.” The MC’s voice echoes loudly and he points his arm out toward me. I’m stood still in shock until someone shouts at me to get up on stage. The next few minutes go by in a blur, as I walk towards the stage, clamber up the stairs, pose for photographs and mumble a few words about my inspiration and my work and how thankful I am. As I walk back towards my table, I’m stopped several times by acquaintances offering their congratulations, and I glance up to see Sarah sitting with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes narrowed in my direction. At least I beat her. One good thing to come of tonight.

“Well done, mate. I knew you had it in you.”

“James, it’s so well deserved. Congratulations.” Seb and Tiff get out their seats to hug me and I’m still in shock I can only mutter a thank you.

“I’ve got to go. Long drive back and all.” I give a pointed look to Alex and they seem to get it because they just nod and sit back quietly in their chairs. I pat my trousers to make sure I’ve got everything. Phone? Where’s my phone? Table. I stretch over and pick it up quickly. Now I’ve decided to leave, I just want to get back.

An hour and a half later I’m slowing down as I drive into Stamford. I made good time, could be because my foot slipped and landed hard on the accelerator a few times. I pull in the garage and get out the car with determination. I need to hear Laurel’s voice. I need to make sure she’s okay, not having heard from her at all worries me. Maybe she just wants to give me a night to myself, but I don’t need it, I need her. I slump back on my bed and dig out my phone. Swiping across the screen does nothing. I take out the battery then put it back in again and give it another try.
Shit.
It’s broken
.
What the hell? It was fine earlier. I only had it on the table, how could it have broken? I glance at the clock and it’s nearly midnight. I can’t do anything about it now. I rest my head on the pillow and drift off to sleep with an uneasy feeling. Anything could have happened and I won’t know until tomorrow.

Chapter Twenty One

Laurel

The monitor beeps. The clock hand ticks slowly round. The dirt mark on the floor doesn’t go away no matter how hard I stare at it. I pull my arms around myself to keep the shivers at bay. I’m not cold. I’m scared. Four years ago I was sat in a room that looked and smelled exactly like this one. Clinical, bare, with the scent of antiseptic and disinfectant. Sterile. No trace of the people who have been here before. No trace of my dad. He’s gone. And now, so might my mum. I’ll be all alone. I pull out my phone and will it to ring. I left James a voicemail last night. I didn’t want to ring him and spoil his night but when mum came downstairs looking pale and struggling to breathe it was obvious she needed to come here. I rang Cassie and she came and spent some time with me. I didn’t want him to come back, just to hear his comforting voice with its soft, gravelly timber. He still hasn’t called me back. It was so hard to let him go on his own last night. I wanted to be there supporting him, by his side showing him belief, praise, and strength. But I feel the weakest I’ve ever felt. And that’s not what he needs. He deserves someone who’s not this snivelling, crying shell but a woman who’s character shines, who will make his life better, happier.

The thoughts hit me like rapid fire bullets, slamming into my body one after the other in quick succession. He deserves more. More than I can give him now. I am now starting to see why Darren left. He wanted a girlfriend who didn’t spend all her time in a hospital. That’s not too much to ask is it? He wanted someone to go to parties with, hang out, laugh at movies, go bowling and go on holiday. Live life. Why didn’t I see it before? He was right to leave. His youth and naivety gave him the courage and determination to do it but James, having been through this with his mum, will go through it all again for me and my mum. I can’t let him do that to himself. I have to set him free or I’ll just end up dragging him down too. I suppress the niggling feeling it should be his choice. It has to be now. My heart is already piecing itself back together with his love. I have to do this before it’s made whole. He has the power to completely shatter it all over again. I’d be devastated if he left me, and where would that leave my mum? She needs me. I’m all she has. She always put me first, now it’s my turn.

“Laurel, your mother is asking for you.” The nurse’s voice snaps me back to the present. I’m in the corridor on the next floor, I didn’t even realise I’d been walking.

“You know, once you’ve seen her, you should really go home and get some rest, sugar. You look tired. She’s in good hands here.” The nurse’s sad smile stays with me as I head down stairs. I turn into the next corridor and the big number ten on the door sends comfort round me even if I don't yet know what I'm going to be walking in on. She’s just had a meeting with a specialist and wanted to be on her own for it so she could process any information herself first without worrying about me. She’s sitting up in bed, on first glance it looks like she’s fine, happy even. But as I get closer I notice the dark circles under eyes, her skin’s still pale and her cheeks are sunken in. She looks gaunt and frail. Worse than I’ve ever seen her. I plaster a small smile over my frown quickly so she doesn’t see.

“Laurel, sit down sweetie.” She nods to the chair next to the bed and I get the drowning feeling I got when I first found out about her cancer. If there was good news she would have told me straight away. She takes my hand and my body shakes involuntarily at the cool touch of her fingers.

“You look tired. You should go home and get some rest.” Another one to comment on how I look. One more time and I’ll end up hitting something.

“I’m fine, mum. Can we cut to the chase please? What did he say?”

She sighs and looks down at her fingers fiddling with the plaster covering the drip on the back of her hand. One of my worst vices is saying things without thinking them through first. She’s the one going through this shit, not me.

“Sorry mum. I just…I need to know what’s happening. I don’t want you to hide anything from me like you did with dad. I want to be here for you.” I feel helpless if I don’t have all the information.

She lifts her eyes to mine and they soften as she reaches out to cup my cheek. “I know. It’s just hard to face the reality sometimes. I don’t want you to have to go through seeing another sick parent.”

“I’m fine. I’m just worried about
you
. Just tell me enough so I know what’s happening if you can’t tell me everything.” I plead with her silently and as she watches my face, I see the resignation flash in her eyes. She takes in a deep breath before playing with a few strands of my hair that have fallen forward, twisting them round her fingers.

“The doctor said I should be honest with you. Said you’re old enough, a woman now. And if you’re going to be the one caring for me then you need to know how I’m feeling, but you’re still my daughter. I should be the one caring for you. You shouldn’t have to see me like this.” The tears pool in her eyes, but I can see the steely Matthews resolve holding them back. The tension in her body has knotted it tight. Her grip on my hand gets stronger and her other hand fists into the blanket on the bed.

“So, what I had was just a panic attack. But the chemo I’ve been having hasn’t been successful in shrinking the cancer. They’ve now changed the formula and given me a different combination. Basically a stronger cocktail. We just have to keep our fingers crossed this time it works.” There’s a pause whilst she gathers her thoughts. “I promise you now, I will fight to the very last breath for a life with you,” she bites out as she turns her head to look out at the window. “It’s you and me. We’ll be there for each other, positive attitudes are a must now. It’ll make us enjoy our time together so much more while the doctors do all they can. Help us deal with the heavy stuff. I’ll do whatever treatment and lifestyle choices are necessary, but you have to promise me, if you’re having a bad day you tell me. And the doctor has already talked to me about what I may have to go through with the stronger drugs. It isn’t pretty and I’ll have plenty of bad days too. Please don’t think that means that I’m losing the fight or worry about me because of it. There’ll be times I just want to have a crabby day. So just let me. Got it?” Her voice is shaky but I can feel her strength soaking into me. I’ll stay positive for her. It won’t cure her, but it might stop me going completely insane. I nod and squeeze her hand so she knows I understand.