Sweet Temptation (40 page)

“Ye have disgraced us. I told ye that ye couldna return.”

“I am no’ asking for myself but for Lady Carlisle.”

“Lady Carlisle!” Fraser repeated, sufficiently startled to forget his anger at his son and notice the figure of dejection standing in his wake. “What is she doing here? Has something happened at Estameer?”

“Gavin has thrown her out, and she needs somewhere to stay.”

Donald Fraser’s florid countenance flamed dangerously. “Tell me true, Ian Fraser, for I’ll have no lie from ye. Are ye the cause o’ this fresh calamity?”

Ian was too weak from the long ride to argue for his innocence. “Aye. If I had stayed at Blair Castle, this wouldna have happened.”

“Then Lady Carlisle can stay, but ye shall no’ darken this door until ye have repaired the damage ye have done with yer selfishness. Ye have brought shame on all the Frasers, that ye have, Ian. Tis a judgement on me for the way I brought ye up, aye, and my brother, too, for Colleen. I do no’ seek to avoid my share of the blame, but I willna shelter ye until ye dispel this cloud o’ yer making.”

Sara was aware that her horse had stopped, and she made a halfhearted attempt to gather her senses. She knew they had come to the Fraser home—she could hear Ian and his father arguing, and something told her she should pay attention to what was happening—but she didn’t care about that, or much of anything else. In fact, she didn’t much care about anything at all.

Gavin’s attack had been such a complete shock, it had taken her several hours to convince herself she hadn’t imagined it. At first she thought he must have gone completely mad; now she was certain
she
had. She didn’t understand it, and she had no idea why he had told her to leave, but when he threw virtually everything she owned into the corridor, she knew she had to get away, to go somewhere until she could figure out what had gone wrong.

And something was definitely wrong. Gavin loved her, of that she was certain. They had behind them two months of almost perfect harmony, when he left for Aberdeen. Something had happened during that trip, something much more terrible than finding Ian at Estameer. She knew now that the noise she heard must have been his footsteps, that he must have seen Ian kiss her, must have seen that she didn’t push him away. She would have expected him to fall into a furious rage, to strike her, threaten to kill Ian—well, he almost had done that—anything except stand there like a tailor’s dummy telling her to leave.

She had known something was wrong when she looked into his eyes. There was nothing there,
nothing,
just two empty black holes. She knew it was useless to appeal to him.
There was no one inside to hear her!
He was like a shell, with all the inner being drained away by the poison which had destroyed her hope for the future; he was the charred remains left behind by the firestorm that had consumed her happiness. But she would find out what had gone wrong. Somewhere there was a key, and it had to do with Aberdeen and the Duke’s camp. She didn’t know how she would do it, she didn’t care who or what stood in her path, but she must get to the English camp and talk to Cumberland. She didn’t care about the war or whose side anybody was on. All she only cared about was Gavin, and she wasn’t about to stand aside while someone attempted to destroy his love for her.

When Gavin returned to his senses two days later, he was sitting astride his horse on the ridge above the river where they had thrown Ian’s rifles. For a moment he didn’t know where he was or how he had come to be there, but gradually the numbness left his brain, the thick clouds began to evaporate from his memory, and the wall of pain descended upon him with annihilating force. A part of him wanted to return to that state of nonexistence, to that land of the living dead, but Nature would no longer shield him with her protective cocoon. From now on he would have to bear the full weight of the pain.

It was well past mid-afternoon, but he did not turn his horse toward home. There was no reason; there was nothing but emptiness at Estameer now. No, there was something worse. There was the memory of what he had almost captured, the memory of a dream nearly fulfilled, of paradise tasted but snatched too soon from his grasp. There was also bitterness and disappointment, and he could see no chance that there would ever be anything else.

He struggled to clear his mind of the fog that obliterated the better part of two days. He had to remember what had happened. He knew Sara was gone, the feeling of numbness in his heart told him that, but he had to remember why. Somehow he knew he was the cause, but he couldn’t recall what he had done. Then he remembered the Earl.

Why had he decided to go to Aberdeen? If Cumberland was so worried about why Gavin had armed the men of Estameer, he could have come to see for himself. But it was too late to think of that now. He had gone, and his father had sown the seeds of doubt and disillusionment, seeds he knew would fall on fertile ground. Damn him! Would he never be free from the curse of being that man’s son?
Only when you cease to believe everything he says,
a voice whispered to him. You have within yourself the power to break the shackles that bind you to him. Sara gave you the key, but you are the only one who can use it.

Sara! He hadn’t meant to utter that name aloud, and he was shocked at the sound of his own voice. It was like a wild and untamed cry, like the wail of a wounded animal. What had he done? What had he said to her? He couldn’t remember. It was as though a heavy veil was drawn across his mind shutting out everything that happened that afternoon.

The kiss. He remembered a kiss, but she wasn’t kissing him; she was kissing Ian. Gavin shook his head, but the image wouldn’t go away. But Sara wouldn’t kiss another man, no matter how much she wanted to, not while she was married to him. But she
had
kissed Ian! He had seen it, and his father had warned him … he forced his mind to abandon the rest of the sentence. He would cast his father’s accusations from his mind. He would never think of them again.

Why had she kissed Ian? She hadn’t told him. You never asked her, never gave her a chance to explain, the accusing voice whispered as he remembered more and more of that afternoon. She was guilty, Guilty, GUILTY! Then why did she welcome you so joyfully? It was deceit. Then why did she look so shattered, when you told her to leave and promised to see that she got her money? If that was all she wanted why did she look as though she wished she could die? The closer Gavin came to Estameer and the more he remembered of that nightmare, the more his doubts grew.

Once again his father had played him like a harp. He had pulled the right strings, and Gavin’s fear and his habit of cutting people off from himself had done the rest. Only this time, something inside Gavin would not let him believe Sara was the deceitful she-devil his father had painted. There was some truth to the accusations she had wanted control of her money, she must have made that pact with the Earl, Ian was at Estameer, and she was kissing him. But as damning as those facts seemed to be, Gavin could not put aside the feeling that he had missed the true meaning of all those things. He kept remembering Sara’s spontaneous smile whenever she saw him, her unquestioning welcome of his embraces, her continuing effort to learn to please him, the fact that everyone she met liked her immediately, and he was certain that there was an explanation for all his questions, that if he would only listen to her, she would explain away all his doubts.

Then, just as suddenly, he knew he didn’t care whether or not she could explain what she had done. He loved her, and that was all that mattered. It was the single most momentous moment of Gavin’s life, even more so than when he finally unmasked his father’s true character. That had almost destroyed him; now it was possible that he might someday be whole again.

For years he had lived in a virtual paranoiac fear of falling in love. He had expected something terrible to happen to him—he wasn’t sure exactly what—but the rush of euphoria, of pure happiness, caught him completely by surprise. Then so many things happened at once, he started to feel so many things for the first time, it was like being an entirely different person. It was as though he had been seeing life in reverse; where there had been shadow, now there was gleaming light. Gavin could see that he had been backing away from everything he had ever wanted, and that only Sara’s love had been able to change the direction of his life. He could only marvel at the tricks the mind could play on a person who let hate and fear rule his life.

Obviously he had loved Sara for a long time. Why couldn’t he have seen it? Had he simply refused to see it? And she loved him. He had no doubt of that any longer. If she had been tempted by Ian,
if,
then it was partially his fault for taking so long to recognize and return her unselfish outpouring of love. It was possible she had grown tired of waiting, but after the way she greeted him, Gavin’s heart wouldn’t accept that. However, his brutal treatment of her when he found her with Ian may have achieved what his blindness could never achieve. It may have killed her love.

He must find her; he must tell her that he loved her more than life itself. He wanted to shout it to the whole world, to let them know what a fool he had been, but he contented himself with turning his horse for home.

Gavin was astounded at the way his heart leapt for joy, the moment he decided he had to find Sara. He cautioned himself to reserve his feelings. While he didn’t believe Sara’s actions were as black as they had been painted, he might find that neither was she wholly without blame. He didn’t know if he could live with only part of her heart, but he knew he could not give her up. Not ever.

Mary and Tom were both in the great hall when he returned. “Where is my wife?” he asked immediately, but their silence answered his question. They looked bereaved, like someone had died. “Where is she?”

“She went with Mr. Fraser and his cousin,” Mary answered. There was accusation in her tone, but there was also fear and bewilderment. “They left before dinner two days ago.”

Gavin turned to go, but Tom called after him, “There’s a note.”

“Why didn’t you say so, man?” Gavin called, his habitual decisiveness returning at last. “Where is it?” Tom took a twisted piece of paper from a vest pocket, but Gavin’s eagerness faded when he saw it was not Sara’s handwriting.

Your Lordship,

I know I shouldn’t be writing to you this way, especially not after what you did to my mistress, but I had to have my say. I never did think you were good enough for Miss Sara, but she could never see anything but good in you. No matter how wonderful everyone else was, including Mr. Fraser and that nice young Prince, they couldn’t measure up to you in her eyes.

And look how you repaid her faith. She took care of Mr. Fraser out of the kindness of her heart, but you could only see bad in it. You ought to know she could never turn anyone away who was hurt. She never turned you away, did she? She was always insisting you was hurting inside when nobody else could see anything but meanness in the way you treated her. After all she did for you, couldn’t you trust her even a little bit?

She’s going away now, and if I have anything to do with it, she’ll never come back. She still wishes you the best, but I wish old Peg’s hound dog had got you.

Betty

Gavin didn’t know how he could feel worse, but he did. Betty’s letter seemed to point up all the things he had realized, only they seemed much more devastating when coming from someone else. He balled up the letter and shrugged off the extra burden of guilt as he tossed it into the fire. He knew more fully than Betty how badly he had mistreated Sara, but if he bad learned one lesson during these months, it was that living with the past could very easily destroy the future.

“I’m going to bring Lady Carlisle home,” he announced to Mary. “See that her rooms are gotten ready.”

“She left orders that her things should be packed up and sent after her,” Mary told him uneasily.

“Put everything back exactly as it was.” He had almost reached the door before Mary’s voice called him back.

“Is she really coming back?” Mary asked.

“I’ll never set foot on Estameer again, unless she’s at my side,” Gavin assured her, and Mary broke into a smile of relief. She
knew
Sara was coming back now. The young master would sooner die than be banished from Estameer.

It was Colleen he saw when he reached the Fraser’s home, and her greeting was anything but friendly.

“I suppose ye have come tae ask after yer wife?”

“Where is she?” Gavin demanded impatiently. The strains of the last few days were beginning to tell on him, and he had no time for Colleen.

“She’s no’ here. She’s gone,” Colleen said, eying him in a way Gavin found uncomfortable. “But I am.” She drew closer, until she could rub her generous bosom against his chest, but her eyes held a dangerous challenge, one Gavin couldn’t fathom.

“I want to see Sara,” Gavin said, taking Colleen by the arms and putting her from him. “Where is she?”

“I said she’s no’ here.” Colleen drew near and started to rub herself against Gavin once more. “There’s nothing tae keep us from acting like we used tae.” Again her body issued the invitation, but Gavin would have sworn her eyes defied him to accept. Well, he didn’t have time to figure out what was wrong with Colleen. Let Ian or her uncle worry about it. He had to find Sara.

“I don’t want anyone but my wife,” Gavin said, once more taking Colleen by the arms and placing her at a distance. “Now tell me where she is, or I’ll ask someone else.”