Sweet Vengeance (40 page)

Jase
didn't answer right away, so Allie gave him some space and didn't press the
issue.

He
finally released a big sigh and tightened his hold on her.  "Allie,
there's something I need to tell you."

Something
in his tone warned her, and she couldn't help but stiffen.  Would their
happiness be that short-lived?  She steeled herself.  "What is it?"

He
lifted his head, pressing his lips softly against her cheek.  He held her that
way for a moment, before letting her go.

"You're
scaring me, Jase."

He
stroked her arm.  "Allie, you know I love you."

She
swallowed.  "Yes."  Her heart rate quickened.

"Do
you know how much?"

Allie
rolled over and turned on the bedside lamp.  She sat up and faced Jase. 
"What are you trying to say?  It's not good, is it?"  She pulled the
covers over her, trying to ward off the chill that had wrapped icy fingers
around her.

He
moved into a sitting position, too.  "It could be a good thing."  He
took her hand, stroking his thumb across her skin.  He shifted his focus to her
eyes.  She could see the apprehension etched in his features.  He sighed and
tried to smile.  "Allie, I'm going to tell you something, and I want you
to promise me you'll listen to everything I have to say before you react."

Wild
thoughts dashed through Allie's mind.  "I'm scared to hear this, Jase. 
Are the cops going to prosecute you as well?"

"No. 
Nothing bad like that."

She
released a breath.  "Well, then whatever it is, I'm sure it will be
fine."  It had to be.

He
didn't look so sure.  "I don't have to tell you our history, Allie, but
I'd like to remind you of a few things."

"Okay." 
She searched his face for some kind of sign that would tell her what he wanted
to say.

"You
remember the night we met."

She
nodded.  It was the biggest turning point in her life.

"Joey
had been murdered.  We were both shot, and I took you to my hideout."  He
continued when she nodded again.  "The Trasatti family was hot after you,
and you...were pregnant."

How
could she forget that?  She squeezed his hand.  "You saved me, Jase, and I
love you for it."

He
held up a hand.  "Save that thought until I finish."  His half-smile
didn't reassure her.  "I took you to Oregon where you decided you wanted
to give up your baby to a good family and get some education so you could take
care of yourself."

He
wasn't making any sense.  "I don't understand where you're going with all
this.  It's the past, not our future."  Her heart seemed to pause, as
though holding its breath for what he would say next.

"When
the baby was born, you called the number I gave you, and my people helped you
handle the adoption."

"Yes. 
I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you've done for me."  She
stopped, realization dawning.  "Jase?  Are you trying to tell me you know
the people who adopted my baby?"  Her pulse quickened.  She'd wondered so
many times what had become of her child.  "Do you know where my daughter
is?" 

Jase
nodded, his eyes dark and serious.

She
scooted closer, tilting her head.  "Tell me."

A
long moment of silence dragged out between them.  His expression froze as he
studied her face.

"You
didn't have a girl.  Your baby was a boy."

She
hadn't asked after she had given birth.  She knew if she took one look at her
baby, she wouldn't be able to follow through with her plans.  "A
boy?" 

He
nodded.

She
curled a fist and held it to her mouth to contain her emotion.  A son.  Tears
welled in her eyes for the child she'd given away.  "Does he have a good
life?  Do you know where he is?"  Just to know he was doing well would
give her a tremendous amount of peace.

"I
have him," Jase whispered. 

She
blinked.  "What?"  Her brain struggled to process the information. 
"You have him?  Where?"

"In
Oregon.  He lives with Carole and Robert at the ranch."

Her
mouth dropped open.  She stared at Jase, trying to piece together what he'd
told her.  She began to shake.  "A.J.?"  She thought of Carole's
sweet-tempered grandson.  "A.J. is my son?"  

"Yes." 
Jase looked sick.  "He's your son, Allie.  I didn't give him away.  I
couldn't."  His voice cracked.  "I had every intention of finding him
a good family.  I reviewed the names, the couples' profiles..."  He
dropped his head.

"So,
you kept him?"  This didn't make sense.  "I wanted him to have a
loving family.  Good parents."  She wiped her wet eyes.  "What kind
of life have you given him?  Carole says you're never there."  She
paused.  "Oh, my God.  That's what Carole was talking about.  She said you
only come home for your horse, but she meant A.J., didn't she?  Not
Muffin." 

"Muffin?" 
He looked confused.

"God,
you don't even have a horse, do you?"  Her shock turned to frustration. 
"What kind of father have you been?  He needs a family to be there with
him."

"Robert
and Carole are his family, too.  He loves them.  He's happy there." 
Jase's eyes pleaded with her.  "I love him, Allie.  He's a part of you,
and I couldn't stand to give him away.  I needed to know he was safe."

She
exhaled.  "So, that's what this is about.  You controlling lives, making
sure everyone is
safe
.  Exactly what you've been doing to me all these
years."  She shook her head.  His revelation staggered her. 

"No. 
You're wrong."  Jase tried to take her hand, but she pulled away. 
"I've given him a good home."

"You
don't get it, Jase.  You've locked us away in ivory towers.  Sure, we've been
safe, but I needed your love, and if you decided to be his father, that little
boy deserves your love, too.  It's not enough to provide for the physical.  We
need you."

Pain
reflected in Jase's eyes.  "I know I've screwed up."

"Jase,
this is more than a screw-up.  You're messing with our lives.  We're not your
puppets to be kept in a glass case."

"God,
Allie, I know that.  That's not what I was trying to do.   I just didn't want
you to get hurt."

"You
are unbelievable.  Do you know that?"  She shook her head.  "You say
you didn't want to hurt us, but that's exactly what you've done.  Granted, I'm
a grown woman, but your rejection was nearly unbearable.  I can't imagine how
A.J. must feel."  She swiped her tears as she climbed out of bed, grabbing
her shirt that had fallen in a heap on the floor.

He
climbed out of the bed after her.  "Allie—"

"No." 
She slipped the shirt over her head and then turned on him.  "I can't do
this anymore, Jase."  Her voice shook.  "I can't live like this. 
A.J. shouldn't have to, either."  She speared him with a look.  "He's
a little boy, an infant when you first got him.  He needs a parent's love. 
That's why I gave him away."

"Don't
doubt that I love him, Allie, and he has Carole and Robert, too."

"No. 
He needs a parent
there
, with him.  I thought I'd given him two
parents."  She shook her head, grief and anger distorting her features. 
"Grandparents are wonderful, but don't you think he ever wonders why his
father is never around?  How do you think that makes him feel?"

Jase's
skin had turned pasty white, but she couldn't feel sorry for him.  "That's
not fair.  A.J. has a good home.  He knows I love him."

She
picked up her jeans and slipped them on.

"Allie,
I want to be that father for him."  He grabbed her hand, holding it firmly
between his.  "I want us to be a family.  I want that more than anything. 
I want to take you back to Oregon, and we can all be together.  We can raise
your son,
our
son, and even have more kids if you'd like."

Her
bottom lip trembled at the thought.  Then she steeled her features.  "No. 
You make it sound so lovely and wonderful, but it's going to be more of the
same."  Her tears came faster now.  "It'll be the same stuff you've
been giving us for years, the same cruel promise of love, but no follow
through.  It's not enough.  You've gone too far this time." 

"I'll
make it enough.  I'll do and be whatever you need."  His gaze pleaded with
her.  "Things are different now.  Trasatti has been neutralized.  We have
a chance at a wonderful future.  Let's take it, Allie.  Let's make it
ours."

She
pushed away.  "I can't."  She struggled for words.  "I could
never love someone so cruel."  She headed for the door.  She needed to get
out of there before she suffocated.  When she reached the door, she looked
back.  "I'm going to Oregon, Jase."  She gave him a pointed look,
ignoring the despair shining in his eyes.  "I don't want you to follow
me.  I want some time to get to know my son without you interfering.  I mean
that Jase, don't interfere in my life again."

*       
*        *

Allie
followed the curving road again, this time knowing exactly where she was
headed.  Colder temperatures had arrived since she'd last been in Oregon, and
she turned on the heater to ward off the chill.  The once bright yellow leaves
were turning brown and falling to the ground.  Just like her hopes for a future
with Jase. 

She
hadn't left Chicago the day Jase had given her the shocking news.  She'd had to
wait for clearance from Cates.  So instead, she'd spent a few days visiting her
old haunts.  She'd gone back to see Mr. Wood at the bowling alley and thanked
him for guarding Joey's bowling ball.  She'd given him the ball as a gift, a
reminder of the boy who'd been like a son to him. 

Then,
she'd driven past Aunt Rita's house.  The old Ford was no longer in the
driveway.  Maybe her aunt had moved, or maybe she'd gotten a new car.  Allie
sat for a moment in front of the dilapidated structure.  She'd wanted to go in,
still holding on to the hope she'd been part of their family, too.  But she
could no longer allow wishes to disguise the reality of her existence.  That
life was no longer hers, and Aunt Rita had never treated her like family.

Her
final stop had been at her mother's grave where she'd placed a basket of golden
chrysanthemums.  Allie had tried to tell her mother everything that had
happened, but couldn't.  It was too much, too emotional.  But she did tell her
mom about her son.  Allie loved her mother, and for the first time since A.J.'s
birth, she realized what an awesome responsibility it was to be a mom.  Now,
there was someone waiting for her who needed a mother. 

After
that, she'd immediately left for Oregon.

Allie
found the hidden turnoff with ease this time and was surprised to find the
gates to the ranch were open.  Had Jase warned Carole and Robert she was
coming?  What would they say to her?  Would they try to keep her away from A.J.
or encourage their relationship?

She
blew out a breath filled with trepidation as she parked in front of the house. 
Before she could open the door, A.J. and Boo came dashing outside with Carole
following behind.

Allie
climbed out to a barking dog and an apprehensive young man.  Her dog jumped up
to greet her.  From his reaction, it seemed like she'd been gone for years. 
"Oh, I've missed you, boy."  She smiled and ruffled his ears. 

She
switched her gaze from Boo to A.J., an overwhelming feeling of love settling
over her.  She studied him now.  Looking for all the things she might have
missed from the first visit.  He had Joey's eyes and that lopsided lock of hair
that settled on his forehead.  How could she not have noticed the resemblance
before?  But he had her mouth, pout and all.

"Hi,
A.J.  Have you been taking good care of my dog?"

He
nodded as tears welled in his eyes.  The action tugged at her heart.  What had
her little boy so upset? 

Allie
glanced at Carole who stayed in the background.  It looked like it was up to Allie
to help him with his problem.  Her son.  Wow.

A.J.
rubbed a palm across his eyes.  Allie squatted down beside him.  "What's
the matter, honey?  Why are you crying?"

"You're
back, and I don't want Boo to go home now."  His bottom lip quivered with
sadness.

Allie
smiled, relieved it was such a trivial matter.  She put a hand on his
shoulder.  "It's okay, A.J.  Boo's not leaving yet."

A.J.
sniffled.  "He's not?"

Allie
shook her head.  "No.  In fact, if it's okay with you and your Grandma
Carole, I was hoping I could stay here a while."

Carole
smiled then and stepped forward.  "Absolutely, Allie.  We'd love to have
you."

*       
*        *

During
the month Allie had been back in Oregon, she'd come to learn mornings with A.J.
were quite the adventure.  Allie studied her son as he dumped cereal in his
bowl.  Lucky Charms filled the bowl before cascading down the side.  A.J. sat
the box upright and then started picking the marshmallow treats out from the
rest of the cereal.