Sweetness (40 page)

When officer Lewis closes the door behind me, I
hear screeching tires come to a halt in the driveway.
Justin climbs out of his truck and we run toward each
other, crashing our bodies into one another as we meet
halfway across the yard. The tears come back and so
does the shaking. Justin and I hold each other tight and
sink to our knees on the front lawn.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Emma. Shhh,” Justin says though
his sobs as he tries to calm me down by rubbing my back.
“Justin, he’s gone. He told me he loved me then he
was gone. I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, I couldn’t help him.
I tried, I swear, I tried,” I scream.
“Emma. Shhhh…its okay. Its not your
fault…Shhhh.”
Justin pulls away slightly and cups my face with
his hands. “It’ll be okay. Well get through it. Together,
okay. You’re not alone. Whatever you need I’m here.”
Justin stands up and helps me to my feet. I feel a
hand on my shoulder and Dominic’s father Jason looks
into my eyes with pure sadness. It’s hard looking at him
because he looks so much like the man I just left. The one
that died in front of me. The one that took my heart with
him to wherever it is he is now. I break into another fit of
sobs and I am pulled into the same warm embrace that
reminds me of Dominic. His father even smells a little
like him, which does nothing for my sense of reality.
I close my eyes and let Jason’s arms hold me and
calm me. In my mind right now, Dominic is holding me
because I have woken up from this nightmare and he is
telling me this is all a bad dream. That’s what this all is.
One big nightmare. The last hour of my left never
happened. Dominic is holding me so he can’t be dead.
When Jason pulls back and brushes a piece of hair away
from my face my world tumbles back to the ground.
“You ok?” Jason asks, but I have no words. The
only response I can give him is a shake of my head.
“Come on lets get you cleaned up.”
Jason puts his arm around my shoulder and leads
me into the house. Oh my god, Nancy. How is she going
to handle this? I can’t look at her. I can’t watch her fall
apart for the loss of her son. I stop in my tracks and as if
he is reading my mind, Jason gives me a reassuring smile
and me at tells me Nancy is at work. He explains to me
Officer Lewis is going to drive him to the hospital so they
can talk to his wife personally before she hears it over the
police scanner in the ER. He hands me over to Justin and
tells us to stay as long as we want.
Justin takes my hand and leads me up to
Dominic’s bedroom. The bedroom that just a few hours
ago we were laughing and making love in. It is just as we
left it and being in here makes my insides feel like they
are being jabbed with a hot poker.
Justin looks through some drawers and pulls out a
pair of sweatpants, socks, and a t-shirt and lays them on
the bed. He sits me down and takes off my shoes before
grabbing my hand and leading me off to the bathroom. I
am not sure why he is making me take a shower until I
look in the mirror in horror. My face and hair are
completely covered in dried blood; it looks like I have
been in an accident. My eyes are puffy with black, tearstreaked lines dripping down my face. I look like I just
walked out of a horror movie, hell I feel like I am in a
horror movie.
Justin fixes the water and turns on the shower.
“Are you ok or do you need help?”
“I can get undressed but can you come back and
sit with me in here. I don’t want to be alone,” I ask him.
My voice is small and unrecognizable. He agrees.
After Justin leaves the bathroom I strip off my
clothes and step into the shower. The opaque shower
curtain will allow some privacy so Justin can’t see me
when he comes back in. I give him the all clear sign and I
hear the door open and close alerting me that he is in the
room. The hot water is soothing and I just stand
underneath the stream and take a shaky deep breath
trying to bring calmness to my body. I wash my hair with
his shampoo and conditioner, I wash my body with his
soap and all of his scents envelope me with a feeling of
serenity. For the first time since the accident I can breath.
“Are you okay, Emma?” Justin asks in the saddest
voice I have ever heard.
“For now. Thanks.”
“No worries. Its what Dom….it’s what Dominic
would want me to do.” His voice cracks at the end and I
quickly rinse myself off and turn off the water. I reach
my hand from behind the curtain and Justin slips a towel
in my hand. I get out of the shower wrapped in a fluffy
white towel and see Justin leaning against the door
trying to fight back the tears. He is trying to be strong for
me, knowing that Dominic would want him to, but he
lost his best friend and he should be able to grieve also.
I put out my hand and pull Justin toward me,
holding him while he breaks down into a sobbing mess.
He lost his friend. His friend that he has known far
longer then I have. A friend he grew up with, and who
he made a career with. Now it is my job to be his friend
and help him though this just like he has helped me
through all my shit with Glen. We will do this together.
We will get through the next few days and beyond
together, help each other move forward.
The doorbell breaks into the silence and Justin
pulls back, wiping his tears before stepping out of the
bathroom. I collect my bra and panties and go back to
Dominic’s room to get changed. Once I am dressed and
my hair is brushed I gather the rest of my clothes and
walk downstairs into the kitchen. Familiar brown eyes
hit me from across the room. Gabe is in front of me in
seconds. He doesn’t say anything or try to touch me. He
just searches my face to see if I am alright. I give him a
curt nod and Justin hands me a plastic shopping bag for
my clothes.
“Gabe, what are you doing here?” My voice is
small and weak.
“Justin called me. He told me what happened so I
had Luke drop me off. I didn’t think it was a good idea
you drive back home alone.” He rubs his hand over my
wet hair and rubs his thumb on the top of my forehead as
if he is wiping something off. “Are you okay, Emma?
You didn’t get hurt did you?”
“No. I’m fine,” I tell Gabe.
Oh, I got hurt alright. Just because my wounds are
not visible to the naked eye, doesn’t mean they are not
there.
I walk over to Justin and take a bottle of water he
holds out for me. The cool liquid burns my sore, dry
throat at first before bringing much needed relief.
“Emma, why don’t you let Gabe take you home.
Nancy and Jason are on their way back. Jason tells me
Nancy is not in a good place right now. The last thing
you need is to see her breakdown,” Justin tells me as he
pulls me into another hug. I nod into his chest.
I can’t take that right now, either. Watching Nancy
fall to pieces will only make me fall to pieces and I have
to be strong. The next few days are going to be hard on
all of us and I need to be strong. Dominic would want me
to be strong. I can take care of myself. I always have. I
will just do as I always do and throw up another
impenetrable wall and march on.
“Ok. Are you going to be alright?” I ask Justin. He
gives me a tight smile that doesn’t’ reach his eyes.
“I’ll call you later. If you need anything, call me. I
mean it, Emma. Anything at all.”
Justin and I hug one more time and I walk toward
the front door and out of the house into the late
afternoon sunshine. Dominic’s black sweatpants are a bit
too big so I have to hold the legs up to walk. His t-shirt
smells like him and it makes me a little sad. Wearing his
clothes after showering with his products make me feel
closer to him in some silly way.
I climb into my car with Gabe’s help and Gabe sits
in the driver seat. When he pushes the button for the car
to start, the sweet sound of Dominic’s voice fills the air
as, Sweetness, plays over the radio. Gabe tries to turn it
off quickly but I stop him. The words ring true to my
soul as if he knew that this is what I needed to hear. The
song he wrote for me has an even more profound
meaning than when he wrote it originally.

All the nights we spent together,
with the moonlight in your hair.
It’s your face that I remember,
but your kisses that I feel.
When I looked up you were gone,
I didn’t get to say good-bye.
I didn’t get to tell you,
I didn’t care about the lie.

I wanna taste you…I wanna feel you,
Damn, I miss you…my Sweetness.
Now here you are again,
my angel dressed in black.
I want to make you smile;
I want you to love me back.
You’re my vision of a future;
your kiss sutures my broken heeeaaarrrrtttttttt.

It’s getting late baby,
I don’t want to say good-bye.
The road is calling me angel;
I can’t even stay the night.

I will count the days ‘til I see your face again.
Once last kiss for old times,
one last kiss before I gooooooooo….

I’ll wanna taste you…I’ll wanna feel you,
Damn, I’ll miss you…
My Sweetness.

I close my eyes and listen to him tell me how much he
will miss me when he is gone. Between the smell of his
clothes and the sound of his voice I know he is here with
me…always.

The past few days are a blur.
I have hid away in my
room for days, listening to Dominic’s music and wanting
to cry. But I can’t. I haven’t been able to cry since the day
it happened. I can’t feel anything. That’s not entirely true.
I feel empty. Like a piece of me is now missing. Like one
of my limbs are gone, or something. But I am not sure
empty is an emotion.

Wanda and Max have tried to talk to me and have
even tried to get me to eat, but I can’t. I am so tired and
numb, I can’t even feel the pain anymore. I just want to
sleep, but every time I close my eyes I see the wreck
happening on repeat.

Max has been staying over and has tried to lay
with me and provide the comfort he used to when I had
nightmares, but I couldn’t have him in my bed. It feels
wrong to share my bed with another man so soon, even if
it is only Max.

As I stand here looking at the hole in the ground,
the hole that will be Dominic’s final resting place, I can
feel my lower lip tremble for the first time in days. I blink
a few times, finally registering what is happening around
me. Rocco and Chris are sitting in the front row with,
Nancy and Jason, as the priest in front of them says a
final prayer. Justin and I stand off to the side and watch
as the large crowd of people surrounds the display.

I don’t know what I would have done without
Justin, today. He has been with me every step of the way,
helping me in and out of cars, and holding onto me,
silently waiting for me to fall apart. Directly across from
me I see Gabe standing at attention, carefully watching
my every move from behind his sunglasses. His lips thin
and he hangs his head as the priest completes the service.

When the priest hands Nancy a single red rose to
place upon her son’s casket she looses all sense of
decency and throws herself over the white box. Jason
and Chris are on her immediately, pulling her away as
she yells to the heavens how unfair life is, and asking
God why he took her baby boy. And that is when it
finally dawns on me that this is it. This is actually
happening.

I turn my head into Justin’s chest and cry for the
first time in days. Not pretty crying either. Ugly, sobbing,
gut wrenching cries. Rocco wraps his thick arms around
me as Justin releases me to him. He rubs small circles
with his palm on my back and whispers soothing words
that I can’t hear through my clogged ears. I slightly open
my blurred eyes to see that the crowd is thinning and
people are returning to their cars.

“Do you want to say good-bye?” Rocco asks as he
flattens my hair on the back of my head with his large
palm.

“Sweetie, you have to. I’ll go with you. It will be
okay. I’m right here with you.
“I can’t do it.”
Justin approaches us and for the first time I
actually see him. His red, blotchy face is slightly hidden
by a pair of aviator sunglasses. “Come on, Emm. We are
all here for you. You can do this. You will never forgive
yourself if you don’t,” Justin says as he hands me a single
red rose to place upon his casket.
I glance around, quickly looking through the
flower arrangements for what I am looking for. Next to
the pearl white casket I see a flower arrangement made
up of a guitar. The center of the guitar is made up of
black magic roses and on top sits the one thing I am
looking for.
I walk on shaky legs to the casket and remove the
single yellow rose from the arrangement. Justin, Chris,
and Rocco surround me like a protective wall as I kiss the
casket and leave a bright red stamp of my lips behind.
The sharp contrast of red on white is the only blemish on
the shiny rectangular box. When I place the rose on the
casket, I stand a bit straighter, willing myself to be brave.
“I love you, Dominic Ross. I will always love
you.”
With Justin and Chris at my side and Rocco
behind me, I feel for the first time in days, something
real. Grief. And suddenly my heart actually hurts. It is an
odd feeling, grief. It feels as though your body is eating
itself from the inside out and you are helpless to stop it. It
feels like a burning, deep within your gut that can’t be
put out. It’s a feeling that is foreign to me. A feeling I
have never had to experience before.
“Come on, Emma. Lets go.” Chris says. I nod in
agreement and we walk in a cluster with our heads
down, to the parking lot.
The cemetery is so peaceful and quiet. It is filled
with old oak trees that provide shade on this sunny,
seasonably cold, November day. It is not until I hear a
branch snap next to us that we all look up. And there
under a tall oak tree we find, Glen Maser, lurking.
Without hesitation Justin drops his arms and is lunging
toward him. Rocco grabs his arms just before he reaches
Glen, but Glen only takes a half step back. Clearly, Justin
does not scare him.
“The fuck you doing here, Maser?”
“He was my friend too, Justin. I have every right
to morn him like the rest of you.”
“I beg to differ, asshole. He fucking hated you. I
am sure my sister told you all about what happened
when we were on tour. So you know he didn’t take
kindly to what you did to, Emma. Therefore you are not
his friend, and you are not welcome here. So go!” Justin
points to the near empty parking lot.
“Not now, Justin. Lets just go.” Christ pleads
while holding me close to his side as I shake. More with
fear, then from the cold.
With Dominic gone, and Glens secret out, he will
come at me with a vengeance. “Chris is right, Justin. Just
let him be,” I say, barely audible.
Rocco releases Justin, and Justin straightens his
suit. “You’re not worth it, you sick son of a bitch.”
“I’m sorry. I am. I just wanted to talk to, Emma,
for a minute.”
“Like hell you will.” Rocco bellows, crossing his
arms in front of him.
I need this to stop. I mentally can’t take this right
now. I don’t want to talk to Glen but I can’t let this day
get any worse. I don’t want the day I buried my fiancé, to
be the day his friends all get sent to jail for murdering
this sleaze bag.
“Its fine, guys. Let him say what he came to say so
he will leave.”
“Emma?” Rocco questions.
“Its okay, Roc. He can’t hurt me. Not with you
guys here. So let him say what he came to say, so he can
leave.”
Glen leans in toward me causing me to flinch. “I
was hoping to talk to you privately.”
“Yeah, not going to happen, douchbag.” Chris
snorts.
“Just stay close. I will make this quick.” I tell them.
They all reluctantly take a few steps away and each one
of them bump Glens shoulder with their chest as they
walk past him.
“I guess they all hate me, huh.”
“Can you blame them? What do you want, Glen?”
“I just want to tell you how sorry I am for what
happened to Dominic. I know you really cared about
him. I did, too. He was my best friend. I’m going to miss
him, too.”
There was not an ounce of malice in his voice. For
the first time ever, I actually feel a bit sorry for him. He
has lost someone just like the rest of us. Dominic was
Glen’s best friend for a long time. The one person who
knew more about him then anyone on the planet; and
now he’s gone. Despite my relationship with Glen, he
should be allowed to grieve just like anyone else.
Regardless of everything we have been through, I can’t
take the memories of his friend away from him no matter
how hard I want to. No matter how badly I would like to
think this is some kind of peace offering, something tells
me to be on point.
I look past Glen to see the guys watching us like
hawks, ready to pounce if necessary.
“Glen, I know he was your friend. And I know
this can’t be easy for you. I am sorry for how things
worked out between the two of you but you have to
understand why I had to tell him.”
“I do.” He looks away and for a second almost
looks remorseful. “I just want to put all of this behind us.
No more hostility.”
I cautiously watch as Glen leans in to hug me. I
stiffen and hold up my hand to Rocco who takes a few
steps forward. I really don’t care to hug him but if this is
his way of calling a truce, at least I won’t have to worry
about him lurking around every dark corner. Worrying
about when and where he will pop up to take his
vengeance on me for turning his best friend against him.
As Glen’s snake like arms wrap around my
shoulders, he whispers into my ear, “Tit for tat, Princess.
You took someone away from me that I loved, so now
you know how it feels.” Glen kisses my cheek and turns
to leave without another word said.
My eyes grow as wide as saucers as I watch him
walk away. Me knees buckle out from under me as my
brain registers what he just confessed. Did he just tell me
he killed Dominic? No. Even a twisted son of a bitch like
Glen would have killed his own best friend just to get
back at me.
Would he?
The guys are on me all at once, dropping to their
knees in front of me checking to see if I am okay. I cannot
hear their muffled voices as I watch Glen walk to his car.
Just before he slides in, he gives me a wolf like smile and
slips into the drivers seat.
He did it. He really did it.
“Emma, are you okay. Talk to me Emma. What
happened? What did he say to you,” Justin asks. “What
did you say to her you piece of shit?” he yells across the
parking lot as Glen closes his car door.
“Emma, what happened? Talk to us. What did he
say to you?” Chris asks. But I can’t speak. I am
completely dumbfounded by Glen’s revelation.
Panic. Panic.
The world is spinning.
Everything is getting dark.
“Emm-“ is the last thing I hear before the world
around me goes black.