Swinging Saved Our Marriage (4 page)

Ethan nodded. Although he felt sick to his stomach, he kept his mouth shut. He did not want to jump to the worst conclusion.

"I'm not saying any of that is an excuse for what I did," she went on, even though she knew that was exactly how it sounded. "It's just that I want you to know that was the frame of mind I was in. You see, this guy at work started flirting with me.” She saw Ethan's face harden. "And I flirted back with him. I thought it was just a harmless thing. You know how that can go sometimes. I always liked to flirt in college. Well, things went from just flirting to emails, and then he asked me to meet him for a drink one night and I agreed.”

Kyra couldn't look at her husband at all as she explained what happened outside the pub that night. When she finished the room was deadly silent. She didn't know what she would do if Ethan started crying. She wanted him to scream at her, get angry, call her names, but the silence was terrible and if he cried it would kill her.

"So that was it? All you did with this guy was kiss him?” Ethan kept an even monotone. He did not want to lose his temper. He was afraid of what he might say. Everything Kyra said leading up to her admission was true, but that did not give her license to go off with another guy. He might have lost it on her if he weren't carrying some guilt of his own.

Kyra felt like a specimen pinned to a board. Now that she had told him part of it, she felt compelled to tell him all of it. But could he forgive her? Would it end their marriage? She tried to think how she would feel if he made a similar admission. She would be furious if he did anything with another woman, but touching someone as intimately as she did with Bill was so much worse than just kissing someone. What if Ethan had gone to a hotel room and stripped another woman naked? What if he had gone down on her? Somehow she did not think his getting a handjob, like she'd done to Bill, would be as bad. That was such a passive act. She couldn't imagine Ethan being with someone else. Still and all, she felt like she had to tell him the whole thing. It would always be something between them if she weren't completely honest now. Melanie was right about that.

"There is more," she said tentatively.

Ethan sighed. Did he really want to hear it? Did he want to hear his wife tell him she slept with another man? He didn't know if he could take it.

"Tell me all of it. It's better to just get everything out now, but I can't promise how I am going to react," he said.

"I know. I know I've been terrible.” Kyra couldn't stop the tears.

"Don't start kicking yourself now. Let's just see if we can deal with this.” He took her hand. He could never stand to see her cry, and as mad as he was his, first instinct was to comfort her.

So Kyra told him—about going up to the hotel room with Bill, and about jerking him off. "I couldn't sleep with him. I just couldn't do that, because I love you,” she said.

She told Ethan that she gave Bill the hand job out of some twisted guilt. She did not quite tell her husband all of it, though. She did not tell him that she touched herself while she played with Bill's cock. She was sure Ethan would think she was a total slut to act that way. She also did not tell him how turned on she was when she did it. There was no reason for him to know that. This was not the time to get into her secret desires. When she finished confessing, she buried her face in her hands to hide her tears and he pulled her into his arms.
How can he be so tender?
She wondered.

Ethan was relieved. She didn't fuck this other guy!  She went to the precipice and could not do it. That told him there was still hope for their marriage. Kyra had not thrown their vows completely out the window. All she did was jerk the guy off, which was bad, but it did feed into Ethan's own guilt about what he had been doing. As she sobbed in his arms he knew he was going to have to make a confession of his own.

"Honey, it's okay. We can fix this. Please stop crying. I love you," he said as he stroked her hair and rocked her in his arms.

"It's not okay. What I did was not okay," she said, sniffling and wiping tears from her eyes. She could not believe how he was taking this. And she couldn’t help but notice that being in his arms felt so nice. Maybe there is hope for us, she thought. In that moment, she loved him more than ever.

Ethan held Kyra until she stopped crying, then handed her a tissue and got some water from the bathroom. He sat beside her on the bed again, but kept some distance. It was his turn to come clean. She was only just pulling herself together and he didn't want to be too close if she lost it again.

"Kyra, you shouldn't feel so bad about this. It was wrong, yeah, but it was not all you. There are things we have to work on in this marriage. And besides,” he paused. “You're not the only one who's been unfaithful."

The word
unfaithful
stung so much that it took a second for her to process what he had just said.
She wasn't the only one!
  What had Ethan done?
Oh God
, she thought and held her stomach. She thought she was going to be sick. This was just all too much. It had to be that whore Judy who works in HR at Ethan's office, she was sure of it. The woman was practically falling out of her dress at the Christmas party last year and, Kyra was sure she was coming on to Ethan.

"It's not like what you just told me, but I haven't stuck to my vows either. I'm sorry."

"Who is she?” Kyra asked, voice dripping with venom. She'd gone from sorrow to anger in the blink of an eye.

"It’s not like that. Please let me explain.” Ethan thought she was going to throw something at him. Her arms were across her chest and her eyes were narrowed, like she was trying to hurt him just by looking at him. It made Ethan angry. After what she had just confessed, how could she be so angry?
She probably thinks I slept with someone
, he realized."I didn't screw anyone. Like I said, it wasn't like that,” he said. "I'm not having an affair. I haven't been emotionally unfaithful in any way. This thing was just about the sex. Well, not sex really, but about getting off."

Mine wasn't emotional either
, Kyra thought. It was only ever about the way Bill made her feel sexy, the way he turned her on with his desire. She never had any real feelings for him. She wasn't going to let Ethan think he had a better excuse than she did. "So what was it about then?"

"It was just about getting off, like I said. Listen, I haven't been having an affair, I've just gone to a massage parlor a few times."

"
Just gone to a massage parlor
? How many times is a few times?"

"I dunno. I haven't been counting. Listen, I don't like your tone.” Ethan was getting defensive. Even thought she might not agree, he thought, what she had done was way worse.

"Was it one of those happy ending places?"

"Yeah, it's just a hand job, like you did, at least that's all I paid for. I think you can get more if you want, but I didn't."

Kyra felt slapped by his
like you did
, but he had a point. Who was she to climb onto some moral high horse? She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Hadn't she just told herself that if he had gotten a hand job that it wasn't as bad? But that was before she knew he'd actually done it.
Get a hold of yourself!  Ethan just handled hearing my confession, and my betrayal much worse than ‘just a handjob.’ This is about our marriage. Don't make it about you.

"I'm sorry for overreacting. It's just an emotional night, you know?" Kyra said.

"I know, I know. This is all a lot to deal with."

"Can I ask why?” she asked.

"I guess for the same reasons you did what you did. I was lonely. We weren't connecting and I felt like if I didn't do something I was going to burst. Things haven't been too exciting in the bedroom and I didn't know how to talk to you about it."

"I wish you had talked to me about it. There are so many things I've wanted to say to you too, but I just didn't have the words. Things just used to come so easily to us."

"I know. Intimacy was never a problem for us."

"Is it me? Obviously you're still horny. Aren't you attracted to me anymore?” Kyra stared into her lap when she said it. It wasn't a question she thought she wanted answered, but if they were putting all their cards on the table she had to ask. How could they fix things if they held back?

"Oh God. No!  It's nothing like that at all. I still think you're as beautiful as ever!” He took both of her hands. "Honey, I love you."

"Loving me and wanting me are not the same thing."

"I do want you, but it's just been weird. I don't know. It seems like the last couple years, with the kids and our jobs, with our busy lives, it just seems like time in the bedroom has lost its priority. I thought you just weren't interested anymore."

"Why?” She brushed tears back again. This time they were tears of relief. "I am still interested. Very interested."

"I don't know. You just don't act like it sometimes. There used to be this fire in you when we were together and I don't feel it anymore."

Kyra was taken aback. Sure, she was tired sometimes. Maybe they never got dressed up to go out anymore, but they were parents now. It didn't seem like making time for one another was as important. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I guess I've just fallen into a routine."

"You don't have to apologize. I understand, it's just that after a while, when I thought you weren't interested I guess I stopped making the effort too. It's hard to always be the person initiating things. I can't remember the last time I saw that lingerie I used to buy you."

"I guess I never thought about it like that. When you stopped buying me new stuff, I just thought you didn't want to see me in it."

"I knew you were self-conscious after Caren was born, but I still think you're sexy as ever."

"Come on," she replied, blushing. "You cannot tell me you are as attracted to this body as you were when we met."

"Maybe if I saw more of it I could tell you," Ethan smiled.

Although it may not have been the most appropriate time, Kyra pulled the t-shirt over her head. Despite, or maybe because of, the emotional night she was aroused. She did not realize it until just that moment. She struggled against the urge to turn off the lights. She reminded herself it was broad daylight when she lay beside Bill in that hotel room and she didn't hesitate then.

Ethan was as turned on as his wife, and equally unsure why. He was still angry about what she’d done, but he had to admit that there was just a tiny part of him that found it sexy that she would go and do something like that. It wasn’t that he
wanted
Kyra to be with another man, but it was hot to know she had that in her. It showed there were still some depths they hadn’t explored, even after all these years together. He wondered what else she might be open to.

“I think I need a closer look,” he said, moving across the bed. He knelt beside her and cupped her breasts. Her pale nipples sprang immediately to hardness and he rubbed them with his thumbs. He loved the way she shivered when he teased her nipples.

“You don’t look with your hands,” she sighed and then smiled.

“Then maybe I should look with my lips.”

He lowered his face and kissed a breast while still fondling the other. He kissed all around the creamy globe before finally swirling his tongue around her nipple. She moaned his name and lay back on the bed while stroking his hair. Ethan knew just how she liked to be touched. He went from licking to sucking, and even nibbled her nipple as she arched her back, cramming her breast into his mouth. She was so turned on and wanted him more than she had in so long. He pushed his hand into her shorts and she wickedly wondered how he would react if she touched herself while he watched. Maybe she would try that sometime. Right now, she was content with how he was touching her.

His fingers glided over her downy mound, briefly grazing her clit before slipping inside her. It felt good, but sometimes she wished he spent more time on her clit. Even when he went down on her, which hadn’t happened in forever, he seemed to miss it as much as he hit it. Still, she was damp when he started touching her, but after he was fingering her for a couple minutes, she was soaked. Kyra was happy that even though she was ready, he did not rush to get on top of her. He was still happy to pleasure her, moving his hungry mouth from one breast to the other. She pulled down his boxers, grabbed his stiff shaft and stroked it.