Sydney Harbour Hospital: Tom's Redemption (21 page)

‘I’m not sure—’ her voice wavered slightly ‘—that I want to talk to you.’

He heard the squeak of hinges and he shot out his hand, hoping to stop the door from closing. His knuckles hit something soft.

‘Ouch.’ Her fingers closed around his hand, pushing it away. ‘Hell, Tom. First you break my heart and now you want to give me a black eye?’

His gut rolled on guilt and frustration. ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t bloody see and I thought you were closing the door on me.’ He went for contrition. ‘You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.’

‘I don’t know any such thing.’

His heart shuddered at the hardness in her voice and he sighed. ‘Fair call. I deserved that. All I’m asking is for ten minutes and after that you can throw me out.’

Please don’t
.

‘Okay.’ Her voice sounded utterly resigned as if she didn’t have the energy to say no but that talking to him was something she was being forced to endure. ‘It’s ten steps down the hall.’ She didn’t offer her arm. ‘Stick to the right to avoid the hall table and there are two steps down into the kitchen. The table with chairs is on your left.’

He wanted to sit next to her without a table between them. ‘Do you have a couch we could sit on?’

‘I don’t think so, Tom.’

Undiluted fear scuttled along his veins at her in tractable manner and it took all his concentration to walk to the table without stumbling into something.

Soon after that he heard the legs of her chair scraping on the floor and he realised she was sitting adjacent to him. He folded his hands loosely on the table in front of him. Once he’d thought staying at high school was hard. Once he’d thought the battle to rise out of poverty and carve out a name for himself in neurosurgery was hard, and more recently he’d thought learning how to function as a blind person in a sighted world was the hardest thing he’d ever done. But right now, sitting next to the woman he loved, and feeling the waves of her animosity dumping all over him, he knew that all of it—every other struggle he’d ever endured—paled into insignificance. This was the fight of his life.

He felt her stillness next to him and turned to face her, remembering the soft and curvy feel of her. He stuck to his rehearsed script. ‘Hayley, this last week’s been the longest of my life. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve missed your mess, your music, the way you spread-eagle yourself across the bed and how you talk to me so passionately about your work. You filled my apartment with life and
when you left, an emptiness moved in. For the first time in my life I’ve experienced real loneliness.’

‘You did ask me to leave and loneliness is easily fixed. Get a dog or ask Jared to move into the spare room. He’s good company.’

Her words shredded him like razor wire and he licked his lips. ‘Did you miss hearing the bit where I said it was
you
I missed?’

‘No.’ The word sounded positively breezy. ‘I heard you quite clearly.’

This wasn’t going anything like he’d planned and in desperation he abandoned his script. ‘Hayley, I love you.’

Her gasp of surprise gave him an injection of hope.

‘I don’t think you do, Tom.’

Her words crashed around him, shattering his dreams.
You’re losing her
. He opened his hands palms up in supplication. ‘I’m so sorry that I was slow to realise it, but you must believe me when I tell you that I do love you.’

‘I think you’ve confused love with loneliness.’ Her chair scraped back. ‘I can’t be your friend or your backup girl with benefits any more, Tom. Goodbye.’

Hope spluttered out like a candle starved of oxygen and he almost doubled over from the visceral pain. His arrogance and pride, which had stood him in such good stead in all other aspects of his life, was worth nothing here. It was as if he’d been cut adrift from everything he’d ever known and he was drowning by inches. He felt for his cane, which he’d hung over the back of his chair, and rose. Her scent twirled around him and he knew she was very close. Like a dying man, he grasped at one last straw. If he could just touch her then perhaps that would connect him to her in a way his words had so miserably fallen short. ‘Hayley?’ He reached out his hand and prayed she’d take it.

Hayley stared at Tom’s face, knowing all the contours and planes so well, having gazed at it for hours and traced it with her fingers and her lips. A face that at times could be as expressionless as granite and at other times open and responsive. Right now, it combined desperation with pleading—two emotions she’d not seen on him before. She wanted to believe what he said, believe that he truly loved her, and she wanted to take his hand, but he’d hurt her too much for her to trust him.

I love you, Hayley
.

‘Tom, I don’t understand. A week ago you locked me out of your life because you believed you couldn’t protect me and that as a couple we’d fall at the first hurdle. Over the last seven days you haven’t regained your sight so how does the fact you think you love me change anything?’

His hand rested in midair, hovering between them with fingers splayed and a slight tremor at the tips. Her hand tingled and her fingers flexed, but she fisted them to keep them under control.

He cleared his throat. ‘The thought of spending the rest of my life without you scared me rigid.’

She pushed her hair out of her eyes as her heart sent new rafts of pain through her with every beat. ‘So now you love me out of fear? Great, Tom, I think that’s worse than telling me to go.’

The tremor in his hand increased and his jaw tensed as if it didn’t want to move and allow the words to come out. ‘Apart from Mick and Carol, I’ve essentially been alone my whole life and I’ve never allowed myself to need anyone because I was so focused on getting out of Derrybrook and staying out. It drove everything I did. Then you wandered into my life and turned it upside down and you opened my heart to knowing what I’d been missing all
these years. Suddenly I wanted all things I’d believed I’d never have. A woman who loved me. A family.’ His voice cracked. ‘The night in the tunnel when I thought you’d been hurt and I couldn’t do a thing to help you terrified me. I never wanted to feel like that again and I asked you to go. I’m beyond sorry.’

She bit her lip against his sorrow, trying to stand firm until she knew exactly what he was really saying. ‘Sorry for what?’

His other hand ploughed through his hair as pain scored his face. ‘For retreating into a lifelong habit of locking people out and focusing on work. You’re right. I try to be insanely independent and losing my sight has only made me worse. It took meeting you to show me how wrong that choice is.’

Her hurting heart hiccoughed.
Be careful
. But her arm lifted and she passively slid her fingers between his.

He instantly encased her hand with both of his, gripping them like a drowning man. ‘I love you, Hayley. You make me a better person and I’m begging you for a second chance.’

A picture of a future with Tom beamed in her mind, but she stalled it. ‘Tom, I never want to relive this last week. Sighted or unsighted, no one can totally protect me, just like I can’t totally protect you. How do I know that you’re not going to retreat on me again?’

‘Because I
never
want to relive this last week again either and should I ever fall back on old habits, you’ll remind me of how miserable I was without you and how much I need you.’ He brought one hand up to cup her cheek. ‘You’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know, but most importantly you’ve opened my eyes and shown me that my life with you is stronger, richer and happier. I
can only hope that you believe your life with me is stronger, richer and happier too.’

His heartfelt words all but demolished her doubts and she put her finger under his chin, tilting his head slightly so she could look directly into his eyes. She saw a deep and abiding love, and a pledge of commitment to her. He spoke the absolute truth. He really did love her. Warmth spread through her, clearing away the remnants of her misgivings, and the axis of her world righted itself, spinning on joy.

She touched his cheek. ‘I found a peace with you I’ve never known. I love you, Tom Jordan.’

Relief flooded his handsome face and he pulled her close, his lips seeking hers. She met them with her own, welcoming the heat of his desire, and at the same time recognising the change in it. This time love underpinned his need and it flowed through her as a living thing, touching every organ, bone, muscle, tendon, tissue and cell until she almost cried out from the intensity of it.

When he finally broke the kiss he said, ‘You love me and I’m the luckiest man alive.’

She leaned into him, still not quite believing that he’d come back and found her. ‘Don’t ever forget it,’ she half teased.

‘I won’t. I promise.’ He stroked her hair. ‘Hayley?’

Her senses reeled with the musky smell of him, the solid feel of him in her arms, and she never wanted to move. ‘Mmm.’

‘I spoke to Richard Hewitson today.’

She raised her head to look at him, holding her breath before she finally spoke. ‘And?’

He grinned. ‘I’m the new associate professor at Parkes School of Medicine, and as well as lecturing I’m setting up a support structure for disadvantaged students. Not only
for those enrolled in the programme but for students who aren’t here yet, like Jared. I’m going to help create pathways into medicine and then support the students when they’re here, like Mick and Carol did for me.’

He’s found his way
. Happiness flooded her and she kissed his cheek. ‘That’s fantastic, Tom. I’ve always said you had great rapport with young people.’

His mouth kicked up at one corner. ‘And I finally heard you.’ He pressed a kiss into her hair. ‘You know, not being able to operate will always feel like I’ve lost a limb, but there’s nothing I can do to get my sight back. I have to move on, and being blind has led me to this new job and the possibility of helping kids just like me. I know it’s going to challenge me in new and different ways, and that feels exciting. Most importantly, my blindness led me to you.’

His love and sincerity cocooned her and she rested her forehead against his. ‘If I’ve opened your eyes then you’ve given me back the dark. Thank you.’

His hand curved around the back of her neck. ‘Like you told me, we make a good team. Will you make us a permanent team by marrying me?’

She didn’t even try to stifle her squeal of delight as she enthusiastically threw her arms around his neck. ‘Yes. Oh, yes.’

He swayed from her body slam and grinned at her. ‘I love your answer, but do you have a couch we could sit on before you knock me off my feet?’

‘No.’ She dropped her voice to the smoky timbre she knew he adored. ‘But I do have a bed.’

His eyes flared with love and desire. ‘Even better.’

‘I’m full of good ideas.’ She took his hand. ‘Follow me.’

His fingers closed around hers. ‘I’ll follow you anywhere, Hayley.’

Her heart melted with happiness. ‘And I’ll walk beside you for the rest of my life.’

Smiling, he brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it, and she knew she was home.

EPILOGUE

T
OM
Jordan—Prof to almost everyone—felt his academic robes slide over his knees as he rose to his feet and joined in the applause for the graduating class. Sixty new doctors would be commencing their internships in hospitals across Australia and Jared was one of them. Tom could only remember a couple of other times in his life that he’d felt this proud.

Hayley’s hand slipped into his and he thought he heard her sniff. ‘I can’t believe he’s going to be working at The Harbour.’

‘Daddy, why is Jared throwing his funny hat in the air?’

He looked down at the daughter he’d never seen, but his picture of her was crystal clear in his mind. He’d held her within seconds of her birth, counted her fingers and toes, felt her snub nose, tangled his fingers in her masses of hair and had recognised the differences in her cries ahead of Hayley. ‘He’s celebrating, Sasha. This is his special day.’

‘Like my party?’ Sasha had recently turned five and her voice sounded hopeful. ‘Is there cake?’

His hand ruffled her silky hair. ‘Yes, Nanna Carol made Jared a great big cake.’

‘When Mummy was at the hospital?’

‘That’s right.’ Hayley was now a consultant at The Harbour and had two registrars working under her.

People started moving around him and Hayley said, ‘We should probably go now so we’re home before our guests arrive. Sasha, hold my hand, please.’

Tom reached down, his left hand clasping leather. ‘Forward, Baxter.’

His guide dog rose and safely guided him through the crowd, the way he’d been doing for seven years, and it constantly amazed Tom how expert he was at it. He smiled when he thought back to when he and Hayley had got married and how hard she’d worked to convince him that a guide dog would suit him perfectly. Years on, he knew that Hayley understood him almost better than he understood himself, and as a result he was much more open to her suggestions. He loved having a dog and couldn’t imagine himself without one.

Two hours later, the party was in full swing. Tom had made a speech and was taking a breather from all the noise out on the balcony.

‘Hey, Prof.’

Tom turned toward the voice. ‘Hey, Dr Jared Perkins.’

Jared came and stood next to him. ‘I’ve imagined being called “Doctor” for so long, but now it’s here it sounds so weird. Six long years and I’m a doctor.’

Tom smiled. ‘If you want to do neurosurgery, you’re preparing to scale another mountain. Seven to ten more years.’

‘Yeah, but it will be worth it. Without neurosurgery and without you I wouldn’t be here. Thanks, Tom.’

The emotion in his friend’s voice stirred the well in Tom he no longer hid, and he found Jared’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. ‘It goes both ways, mate.’

‘What does?’

Hayley’s perfume and quick steps had preceded her, and Tom dropped his arm from Jared’s shoulder and extended it toward his wife. ‘Thanks go both ways.’

‘They do.’ Her smile sounded clear in her voice. ‘Now you’re dealing with rosters, Jared, Sasha’s going to miss your Friday night visits. No other babysitter lets her get away with pizza in front of her favourite DVD.’